Monday, August 06, 2012
This weekend I had awful, beyond-painful cramps. After a couple weeks of stress upon stress, my period started. But it came with terrible abdominal cramps and back pain so severe that it nearly brought me to my knees.
Today I went to the Dr since the pain was so bad. I expected her to tell me I had another cyst. Or something along those lines.
Instead I learned that I was having an early miscarriage. We aren't trying to have a baby. In fact, it's not even a good idea to have another baby since my last pregnancy was so complicated.
But I am heart broken. I have spent today alternating between shock and tears. I have an ultra sound on Wednesday to make sure that everything is okay. But for now, I'm just sad.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Yesterday was my daughter's 4th birthday. She is the ONLY grandchild on both sides of the family and spoiled rotten! On Thursday night, my parents (who live across the street) returned from a 7 week trip. On Friday my mother in law, sister in law, Father in law, and his wife all came over to stay with us. That means feeding 6 extra adults during a weekend of celebration. HARD diet issue for me.
Yesterday morning we had the traditional birthday part with lots of kids and friends. I decided to eat the hotdog and small portion of chips, and load up from fresh fruits and veggies. And yes... I had a cupcake.
Last night we grilled turkey burgers. I had 1/2, plus fresh fruit salad and lettuce salad. And another small piece of dessert. We also bought some delicious egg roles from a friend (a fund raiser). They were WONDERFUL as an easy appetizer for a group, but not exactly diet friendly. I tried to keep the portion size down.
This morning was IHOP with family. I TRIED to keep it a little healthy, and cut down on my portions.
My MIL and SIL left this morning. My FIL and step-MIL are here until tomorrow. Tonight are turkey tacos with lots of garden fixings.
I do NOT expect a weight loss this week. And I honestly think I'm okay with that. I made a conscious decision to not track my food, but to try to reduce portions. I decided to focus on family and not spend energy on cooking separately for myself.
I think this is life. There may be holidays, celebrations, vacations, etc., that tracking and eating 100% healthy isn't practical. The important thing for me to remember is that this was a CHOICE. I didn't "fall off the wagon". I made a choice. And that means that tomorrow I chose to go back to my "normal" menus and eating habits. In fact my juicer came yesterday. I'm looking forward to purchasing some great fresh produce this week and using it! I'm hoping to substitute juice for breakfast and one snack a day. Not planning to juice fast, just want to boost my nutrition (particularly iron level!)
Anyway.... off to go spend some time with family.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Yesterday I broke down and went to buy some new pants. I have a dress code at work that is getting difficult for me to meet. The belt I bought a few weeks ago certainly kept me wearing those 26W's MUCH longer than I could have. But seriously... even with the belt they were looking (and feeling) ridiculous.
Now... I have 1 pair of size 20 capri's that fit pretty well. But I picked them up at a yard sale for cheap, even tho they are a good brand. I figured that they weren't the same "20" as a cheap brand. Like Walmart. Where I went yesterday (I refuse to spend a bunch of money on clothes I won't be in long!)
So, I picked out a few pairs of capris, in different styles and sizes, and head to the fitting room. Tried on the 22/24. Stared at them. They were too loose. But it honestly took staring at myself in the mirror for several minutes to believe it. To let it sink in.
So, I tried on the 18/20. No remember... this is Walmart. In my experience, their clothes run small. They fit. They are a little snug, but they fit. I sit down on the bench. Huh.... they don't feel too tight. I stand up. Nothing bunches funny when I move. Huh. That can't be right. They fit? Maybe it's just the style. It's cut too big.
I tried on a different pair in a 22/24. Too big. Really? Try that style on in the 18/20. A little snug, but they fit. Fancy that! Really!?!
Now... to me an 18/20 is a SMALL size. Last time I was able to fit my ample behind into them was high school. I have friend who wear an 18/20. In my eyes and mind, they are heavy, but not BIG like me. They aren't "people stare at you funny while you walk down the street" big. They are "normal" big.
I looked in the mirror. All I see is fat. All I see are rolls and dimples. All I see is 420# of obesity staring back at me. All I see is the me that I was 10 years ago.
I sat down and teared up. I am no longer 420# I lost that weight a long, long time ago. I haven't been that size for over a decade. I started THIS journey at a bit over 300#. But even THAT is long gone. I'm in the 250's now... nowhere near 300.
I looked in the mirror again... and I still see the fat. I still see the super obese girl who has always just grabbed the largest size available and prayed it fit!
Now... I'm a mental health professional. I KNOW that body dysmorphic is real, and very, very common when losing weight. I KNOW that it will take a while to catch up. I KNOW what I'm seeing is not a true reflection. Because I do see glimpses of the new, real me. Today on the seated leg squat machine, I realized how much smaller my legs look. Yesterday in the bath tub, I realized how much bigger my tub has gotten. I get it.
I'm just waiting for my brain to catch up.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I've been slacking a bit. It feels like I've been hit with one thing after another. First, several dental issues piled on top of each other, and a procedure that took me out of the gym for a couple weeks. Then an injury that needed to heal. Now a summer cold.
My nutrition has remained pretty stable this whole time, but my workouts? They have been sporadic. And the weight loss reflects that.
Time to step it up. I have 50# gone, but a long way to go. I still have about 100# to lose... 20# to hit the goal I set for this year. Back to the gym more frequently. Keep the food intake where it is. Focus my energy. I can do this.
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