JOYFULJUDYLYNN   19,203
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JOYFULJUDYLYNN's Recent Blog Entries

Shock and a broken heart

Monday, August 06, 2012

This weekend I had awful, beyond-painful cramps. After a couple weeks of stress upon stress, my period started. But it came with terrible abdominal cramps and back pain so severe that it nearly brought me to my knees.

Today I went to the Dr since the pain was so bad. I expected her to tell me I had another cyst. Or something along those lines.

Instead I learned that I was having an early miscarriage. We aren't trying to have a baby. In fact, it's not even a good idea to have another baby since my last pregnancy was so complicated.

But I am heart broken. I have spent today alternating between shock and tears. I have an ultra sound on Wednesday to make sure that everything is okay. But for now, I'm just sad.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RITEEBEE 8/7/2012 3:27PM

    So sorry to hear :( Even if you weren't planning on having a baby it is still a huge tradegy!! Sorry for your loss!!

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KJDOESLIFE 8/7/2012 11:22AM

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BREL0524 8/7/2012 10:51AM

    emoticon emoticon

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DAREDEVILME 8/7/2012 10:05AM

    I'm so sorry, and I send big hugs...

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LESLIELENORE 8/7/2012 9:25AM

    emoticon

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SLADA69 8/7/2012 1:11AM

    My friend,I am so sorry for your loss.......:((:((:((
I know how you feel because I have two,so you have to be strong my friend.
I think sometime life is not fair and we are hurt but this is life hon.I know it suck sometime,but after every rain comes sun my friend.You will be in emotional pain hon for some time and it should pass,just believe in God and you will feel better.
I am here if you need me my friend,I wish you fast recovery from emotional and physical pain........love you my friend emoticon

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TARAFROMTX1 8/6/2012 11:06PM

    I am so sorry for the pain your going threw and for your loss. Hugs and prayers for you my friend. My heart goes out to you. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALLIEALLIE2 8/6/2012 11:03PM

    emoticonhope your body and your heart heals soon emoticon

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ACM20111 8/6/2012 11:02PM

    Oh my, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you and your husband find peace. Please know we are all here for you to help you get through this. emoticon

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MISJOSIE 8/6/2012 10:52PM

    Oh, Lynn...my heart is with you. I wish you all the best in your time of grief and recovery. Please take care.

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TRACYNOTGIVINUP 8/6/2012 10:21PM

    Hugs to you! I am so sorry to hear of your pain and loss. No matter what the circumstances, it is a loss and will be hard to deal with. we are all here for you! Take care

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TRACYNOTGIVINUP 8/6/2012 10:21PM

    Hugs to you! I am so sorry to hear of your pain and loss. No matter what the circumstances, it is a loss and will be hard to deal with. we are all here for you! Take care

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OBIESMOM2 8/6/2012 10:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DAWNDMOORE40 8/6/2012 10:13PM

    emoticonOh I wished I could be there to give you a great big hug! I am sure it's a shock to find out you miscarried since you didn't even know you were pregnant, but remember that is the sadness your feeling has anything to do with guilt, then please don't allow yourself to think that way because you didn't even know there was a living fetus inside of you to be able to do anything about it. I believe it is God's way of saying that maybe it just wasn't the right time, but that your time will come soon! I know it's difficult! I pray that God will open those doors for you when the time is right, but until then, cry if you need to, but remember you have friends and family who love you and they want you to be strong and carry on so that you can take care of yourself! emoticon emoticon

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DEBBY4576 8/6/2012 9:56PM

    What you are feeling makes sense to me. It's a loss, whether I knew I was pregnant or just found out, I would feel a sense of loss. The right time to have another baby will come again. But you will never not remember this loss. It's not trivial just know that. So if you need to cry, do it. No one knows what you are feeling unless this same exact scenario happened to them. And even then, you are you and they are themselves. You'll feel better in a while. So sorry.

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AEROGIRL1594 8/6/2012 9:49PM

    Oh wow, I am so sorry!! I can only imagine how hard for you that must be! Just remember that there is a reason for everything. You have family and friends that love you and will support you through everything, and that includes your sparkfamily!! Keep your head up, everything will be okay chicka!!
xoxo,
Emma
emoticon

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EDELWEISS33 8/6/2012 9:48PM

    Interesting that that should be. I am sad for you. I hope you feel better and that technology will help you have a healthy baby someday.

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First weekend in 7 months of eating "Whatever"...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Yesterday was my daughter's 4th birthday. She is the ONLY grandchild on both sides of the family and spoiled rotten! On Thursday night, my parents (who live across the street) returned from a 7 week trip. On Friday my mother in law, sister in law, Father in law, and his wife all came over to stay with us. That means feeding 6 extra adults during a weekend of celebration. HARD diet issue for me.

Yesterday morning we had the traditional birthday part with lots of kids and friends. I decided to eat the hotdog and small portion of chips, and load up from fresh fruits and veggies. And yes... I had a cupcake.

Last night we grilled turkey burgers. I had 1/2, plus fresh fruit salad and lettuce salad. And another small piece of dessert. We also bought some delicious egg roles from a friend (a fund raiser). They were WONDERFUL as an easy appetizer for a group, but not exactly diet friendly. I tried to keep the portion size down.

This morning was IHOP with family. I TRIED to keep it a little healthy, and cut down on my portions.

My MIL and SIL left this morning. My FIL and step-MIL are here until tomorrow. Tonight are turkey tacos with lots of garden fixings.

I do NOT expect a weight loss this week. And I honestly think I'm okay with that. I made a conscious decision to not track my food, but to try to reduce portions. I decided to focus on family and not spend energy on cooking separately for myself.

I think this is life. There may be holidays, celebrations, vacations, etc., that tracking and eating 100% healthy isn't practical. The important thing for me to remember is that this was a CHOICE. I didn't "fall off the wagon". I made a choice. And that means that tomorrow I chose to go back to my "normal" menus and eating habits. In fact my juicer came yesterday. I'm looking forward to purchasing some great fresh produce this week and using it! I'm hoping to substitute juice for breakfast and one snack a day. Not planning to juice fast, just want to boost my nutrition (particularly iron level!)

Anyway.... off to go spend some time with family. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LESLIELENORE 7/29/2012 5:46PM

    Sounds like you made some healthy choices for yourself. It is more about balance and moderation I think, than sticking to a strict manner of eating. Just my opinion.

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OBIESMOM2 7/29/2012 5:38PM

    emoticon

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DAREDEVILME 7/29/2012 4:40PM

    Way to go! You're making some really positive choices and changes.
I know you'll just get right back on track.

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MYSTERY-LADY1 7/29/2012 4:25PM

    emoticon

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The difference that 6 months of GOOD decisions makes

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Yesterday my cell phone was having huge issues, and we had to go stop at Verizon and have my phone reset. They worked their magic, and reset my phone... and all it's settings. But they were able to save all my pictures on it. The man at the cell place told me how to back them up and recommended it. I did it as soon as we got home. I don't know about you, but there are a lot of pics on my cell phone that I want to save... it's a handy camera for those moments that sneak up on you and you don't have a "real camera".

ANYWAY.... I found a picture from February of this year with my daughter. I remember that night.... we went to PF Changs for my husband's birthday. I had already lost about 15# and was feeling really good about it and the food choices I made that night.


2/11/12

I hadn't looked at or noticed this picture since (probably because of the glowing eyes, haha). But I sure noticed it yesterday.

Because yesterday we took our daughter out to lunch as part of a pre-birthday family day for her. This is the picture my husband took of her and I:



I see SO MANY changes in those pictures. There is a sadness in my face in the first one that isn't as present in yesterdays'. There is more confidence in yesterday's picture. And there is a lot less of me.

52# are gone. What a difference 6 months can make. Can't wait to re-evaluate in another 6!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2BFREE2LIVE 7/29/2012 3:12PM

    emoticonphoto of the two of you . Hey I have been seeing a difference in your photos every time you post one.
I am so proud of you for sticking to your plan and the results are right in front of you, you look alive and healthy and have that sparkle in your eyes.
Great job my friend. emoticonyour way to your goal. Sandy

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MISJOSIE 7/23/2012 1:12AM

    Amazing! So glad you are taking time to enjoy all of your hard work and success!

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AEROGIRL1594 7/22/2012 11:28AM

    Wow, that has to be great encouragement for you! You look amazing! I know that you can do anything that you put your mind to!! Good luck reaching your goals!
xoxo,
Emma
emoticon

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ALLIEALLIE2 7/21/2012 3:12PM

    Wow!!I love before and after pics but this one is much more than that as you say you exude confidence I love it!! Your little girl is super cute btw!!

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LESLIELENORE 7/21/2012 2:46PM

    I love seeing comparison pictures, You do look happier! (And thinner...)

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DAREDEVILME 7/21/2012 1:52PM

    You look happy, and have such a great smile! Keep up the good work, it's very obviously getting results!!
Have a happy weekend.

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JENNIFERH625 7/21/2012 12:37PM

    Love it! I have pix at my heaviest too and could not agree more the pictures tell a story of their own. Even the pictures I took intentionally on my starting day I was not smiling just blah, and now in my 60lb pics I am smiling! Keep going! You are awesome!

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JUNEAU2010 7/21/2012 12:06PM

    Congrats! Thanks for posting this blog! I needed the inspiration!

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Waiting for my mind to SEE the changes I've made

Friday, July 13, 2012

Yesterday I broke down and went to buy some new pants. I have a dress code at work that is getting difficult for me to meet. The belt I bought a few weeks ago certainly kept me wearing those 26W's MUCH longer than I could have. But seriously... even with the belt they were looking (and feeling) ridiculous.

Now... I have 1 pair of size 20 capri's that fit pretty well. But I picked them up at a yard sale for cheap, even tho they are a good brand. I figured that they weren't the same "20" as a cheap brand. Like Walmart. Where I went yesterday (I refuse to spend a bunch of money on clothes I won't be in long!)

So, I picked out a few pairs of capris, in different styles and sizes, and head to the fitting room. Tried on the 22/24. Stared at them. They were too loose. But it honestly took staring at myself in the mirror for several minutes to believe it. To let it sink in.

So, I tried on the 18/20. No remember... this is Walmart. In my experience, their clothes run small. They fit. They are a little snug, but they fit. I sit down on the bench. Huh.... they don't feel too tight. I stand up. Nothing bunches funny when I move. Huh. That can't be right. They fit? Maybe it's just the style. It's cut too big.

I tried on a different pair in a 22/24. Too big. Really? Try that style on in the 18/20. A little snug, but they fit. Fancy that! Really!?!

Now... to me an 18/20 is a SMALL size. Last time I was able to fit my ample behind into them was high school. I have friend who wear an 18/20. In my eyes and mind, they are heavy, but not BIG like me. They aren't "people stare at you funny while you walk down the street" big. They are "normal" big.

I looked in the mirror. All I see is fat. All I see are rolls and dimples. All I see is 420# of obesity staring back at me. All I see is the me that I was 10 years ago.

I sat down and teared up. I am no longer 420# I lost that weight a long, long time ago. I haven't been that size for over a decade. I started THIS journey at a bit over 300#. But even THAT is long gone. I'm in the 250's now... nowhere near 300.

I looked in the mirror again... and I still see the fat. I still see the super obese girl who has always just grabbed the largest size available and prayed it fit!

Now... I'm a mental health professional. I KNOW that body dysmorphic is real, and very, very common when losing weight. I KNOW that it will take a while to catch up. I KNOW what I'm seeing is not a true reflection. Because I do see glimpses of the new, real me. Today on the seated leg squat machine, I realized how much smaller my legs look. Yesterday in the bath tub, I realized how much bigger my tub has gotten. I get it.

I'm just waiting for my brain to catch up.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAYSPRING-STAR 7/16/2012 11:01PM

    If I could, I would reach over through this computer and give you a hug! You are so very honest about this path you are on.

Your blog led me from laughter to tears!

Just today I bought myself a pair of jeans at the Goodwill because I didn't want to pay even Walmart prices on clothing that I hope will be too large for me sometime in the next couple months. When I got them home and tried them on, I found that they are too big. I swear I held them up to me and looked at the size tag. No returns or exchanges on purchases at the Goodwill. But you know what, that $2.50 was well spent on opening my brain to the new possibilities that I may be able to do this after all.

You are beautiful. You are an inspiration! You are a Spark! Keep Sparkling my friend! emoticon

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MOMMA-MOOSE 7/13/2012 7:37PM

    I totally get that. I seem to flip flop though. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't feel any different. Sometimes I feel lots smaller then worry that I'm walking around feeling good but everyone is seeing this super fat woman. So I'm waiting for my brain to figure it all out once and for all.

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LESLIELENORE 7/13/2012 3:19PM

    My brain is still catching up too. We will get to the point where reality and self perception meet, but it definitely takes a while, doesn't it?

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Time to focus again

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I've been slacking a bit. It feels like I've been hit with one thing after another. First, several dental issues piled on top of each other, and a procedure that took me out of the gym for a couple weeks. Then an injury that needed to heal. Now a summer cold.

My nutrition has remained pretty stable this whole time, but my workouts? They have been sporadic. And the weight loss reflects that.

Time to step it up. I have 50# gone, but a long way to go. I still have about 100# to lose... 20# to hit the goal I set for this year. Back to the gym more frequently. Keep the food intake where it is. Focus my energy. I can do this.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LESLIELENORE 7/10/2012 10:39AM

    emoticon You can totally do this!

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