Saturday, April 28, 2012
I decided to change up my routine at the gym this morning. I usually hit the elliptical for 30 minutes and do my thing. But since Saturdays I go with my hubby, I wanted to do something different and work out next to him. So, I jumped on the treadmill. I set my incline, and started walking.
About 10 minutes in, I wanted to see if I COULD jog. I increased my speed and went with it. I got to a jog! I only maintained for 15-20 seconds, but I JOGGED! For the first time in over 20 years, this body jogged. I slowed back down and kept a brisk walk pace. I worked in 2 more jogging bursts before I was done.
To me, the length of time and speed of my jogging are irrelevant. I DID IT! Less than 4 months ago, I LITERALLY fell off the elliptical my first day at the gym. Today I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to and word towards.
Today, I jogged. It wasn't long. It wasn't fast. It sure as HECK wasn't pretty. But I did it. That is a victory.
I'd like to say I looked like an athlete, but......
Pride. That is name of this feeling. It feels wonderful.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I can't tell you how many times I heard that as a child. I heard it from my parents, sunday school teachers, school teachers in my Christian school, friends, etc. "God doesn't make mistakes". So easy to say. For me, impossible to believe.
I knew as a very small child that God, indeed, did make mistakes. And I was the proof of that. You see, when I was born, my birth mother left the hospital without me. She had made no arrangements for my care, and simply abandoned me in the hospital. The nurses cared for me for a week until a court order put me into foster care. I was adopted by my family as a baby. And while my parents love me dearly, there were a lot of things in my family and upbringing that were tragic, traumatic, and painful. Add to that the fact that I fit into my community about as well as a round peg in a square hole. I grew up in a very small, close knit Dutch community, mostly governed by the church. Nearly all my friends were fair haired and blue eyed. My red hair and brown eyes stood out. The fact that I was overweight? Yeah..... I was an easy target for school bullies.
God DID make mistakes, my young mind always insisted. Because God had made me. "God should have given me to a mom who wanted me", "God could have made me thin", "God could have kept this situation from happening", etc., etc., etc. Such was the inner dialogue in my mind.
In the last 15 years, I've done a lot of emotional work to deal with my adoption and some other issues. I've come to accept that it was HUMANS who had made the mistakes... not God. I have come to see the beauty that he brought from the ashes of their misguided, selfish decisions.
Except when it comes to my weight. A little part of me has held out on my grudge against God. For some reason, something in my mind broke thru today while on the elliptical.
"God didn't make me look like this! I made me look like this! God gave me two working legs. He created me with a healthy body that can move and exercise. I CHOSE not to. He created me with an intelligent mind, yet I never educated myself about nutrition. I DID THIS! ME! "
And with that gut-wrenching realization, the next thought brought hope:
"These were my mistakes. But my God can bring beauty from the ashes."
Today I made good choices. Today I found a little bit of healing. It was a good day.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Tonight my hubby and I left our 3 yr old with my folks and had a little date. We finally checked out Texas Roadhouse and thought it was great! With a little research I was able to order a delicious dinner that still fit into my calorie goals. Fun dinner out without the guilt! Love it!
Afterwards, hubby and I went to Value Village and just snooped around. I packed up my size 28 pants last month (which were skin tight in January), and moved into the size 26's. I'm a classic pear shape. I'm wearing an 18/20 (2x) top, but a 26 jeans. Go figure. Anyway.... while my jeans fit with some alteration, they are becoming looser. I found 2 pair of jeans in great condition in a size 24. I bought them, figuring that in a couple months I'll need them.
I tried them on when we got home. Guess what? They button and zip with no trouble right now! Now... they are a little tighter than what I'd be comfortable wearing, but in 10# or so, they will probably be my go-to jeans. Wow!
For a little reference.... The night I graduated from high school in 1992, I wore a size 22/24 outfit. I remember that vividly because my graduation gown was so tight over my first outfit choice that I had to change into an outfit with less material so the gown would fit better. Aren't those gown supposed to be huge? I'm actually about 40 pounds heavier now than that night I graduated, but the fact that I can get into a size 24 is exciting for me.
Once again.... I'm reminded that what I see myself to be isn't necessarily the truth. This is one time I'm really, really glad to be wrong.
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