Saturday, February 11, 2012
Today I feel something that I have felt little of as my weight ballooned.... SELF PRIDE. This morning, I did 3.51 miles on the elliptical, in 45 minutes, set to interval (1 and 8 resistance). This is HUGE for me!!!
6 weeks ago, in spite of a panic attack in the parking lot, I joined a gym. That day, I nearly fell off the machine after 10 minutes (with zero resistance). 6 weeks. I've lost 15 pounds in that time, and while that's a decent amount, there are days that I am frustrated it isn't much more. But today it's all too evident that in that time I've also GAINED muscle, stamina, coordination, and endurance. Lost fat. Gained those things that are essential to overall fitness... and great for my self esteem.
Today my husband and I are hitting a movie ("The Vow"). I can't wait. I'm sneaking a healthy snack in my purse, and plan to buy a bottle of water. That's my plan to avoid the umpteen calories in the popcorn I usually get.
Tonight we are headed to PF Changs for Hubby's birthday dinner. I've looked at their menu, figured out their portions, and have a plan. Yes, I will likely go slightly over my calories today, but I also burned an extra 300 today. I feel good about it.
No more telling myself "I can do this!".... instead I shout inside my head in victory, "I AM DOING THIS".
Thursday, February 09, 2012
What started as a routine mommy-duty activity of calling the pediatrician this morning, turned into a nightmare for me. My 3 year old has been falling lately... like her balance is a little off. And we've noticed a time or two where were eyes aren't quite aligned. I called to schedule a check up just to talk to the pediatrician about it. Soon, the nurse called back, asked a bunch of questions, and before I knew it, the Dr was sending us straight to the ER. He wanted her to have an MRI or CT scan to rule out a brain tumor which manifests in children at this age, displaying these symptoms.
Now... I already knew that was a SLIGHT, OUTSIDE posibility. 3 years ago, my nearly 5 year old nephew died from DIPG, a brain tumor that first manifested in a similar way.
The ER staff examined my beautiful girl, and declared the scans unnecessary and sent us home. I called the pediatrician back and told them what occurred. We now go back to see the pediatrician tomorrow for evaluation and possible referral for a scan.
Needless to say... I didn't get a work out in today. I stayed in my calorie range, tho. And spend my day a nervous wreck.
We're praying that it is a simple answer..... inner ear trouble, vision issue, or the fact that my child INSISTS on walking on her tip toes most of the time. We shall see. I know she is in God's hands, but right now my mother's heart is terrified.
Monday, February 06, 2012
I found this fact causing me to smile most of the day. I think it's almost time to pull out the next size smaller.
Those 2.75" I lost in my hips in January is showing. Go me!
My husband asked what I wanted for V-Day and my b-day in a couple months. I told him additional sessions with my trainer. Who is this girl the mirror????
Shhh..... I think I like her!
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Yesterday, I told my trainer that my HUGE goal right now is to get under 200 pounds. I graduated high school at about 220. I don't think I've been below 200 since I was about 16. Sad, but true.
I was a chubby child/adolescent, and the time in my life when I was "thin" was but a blink of an eye, it seems. At age 13, I went camping with a friend's family for several weeks. Walking and swimming constantly mixed with a young metabolism, and I dropped weight quickly. I was 5'4", and weighed 117 pounds. I stayed about that weight for about a year. As stressors, traumas, and tragedies happened, the weight came on.
In some small corner of my mind, I saw the weight as an insulator. I loathed it... hated being fat... but it also gave me protection. Protection from those that would hurt or abuse.... an excuse to not have to be "perfect".... and an easy, accessible coping skill that never turned me away. But I always saw the "true" me in my mind's eye, underneath. Swallowed by the pounds and pounds of fat, "I" was still in there.
At my highest weight (420#), I hit my rockbottom and realized that nothing about my weight was protecting me anymore, but rather killing me. I shed 170#. And saw glimpses of "me" in the mirror. Then, of course, I gained about 70# back thru a difficult pregnancy and even more difficult recovery.
So, this time I'm taking a holistic approach. No more surgery. No drastic starving. Adding fitness components of cardio and strength training. Taking time to allow myself to feel strong and able. Seeing my mileage on the machines increase, my stamina improve. And taking the time to allow myself to think about WHY I have never been able to allow myself to thrive. Rather, I have hidden myself away within myself.
As I said... in my mind's eye, I've always seen "me" inside my body.... an inner core if you will. And as I approach this (hopefully LAST) attempt to shed my outer self, I an visualizing a ice sculpture and a large, ungainly block of ice. The ice isn't particularly attractive, but inside, the artist sees what it is truly meant to be... the beauty that is already there, just waiting to be released by shedding it's excess.
I, too, am working to shed my excess. But not just excess fat. Excess fears. Excess anxieties. Excess self doubts. God and I are working are shedding my excess to release the true me... the epitome of my being that is just too insulated to be appreciated right now. But I rest assured that in the Master's eye, He sees me as He created me... perfect and whole. He sees the potential just waiting to be released.
In January, I shed nearly 15# of excess. I have 93 pounds to go to be under 200#, and 43 to hit my first goal. It's a lot, and nearly overwhelming to imagine. Then I visualize a block of ice, chipped away.... some larger pieces of ice falling away, but also fine dustings and shavings. Not everything can happen in big acts... the finest masterpieces require the most time and attention.
We are all masterpieces, just waiting to be seen for our potential.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
I am ridiculously PROUD of myself!
I met with my trainer today. In 30 days, I've lost 14.6#!!!
Waist - Down 1 inch
Hips - Down 2.75 inches!!!
Thigh - .75 inch
upper arm - .5 inch
I worked HARD for each pound and inch! I've done diets before (and been pretty successful at times), but this is the first time I've ever added fitness. And I'm seeing the difference... for that I'm excited.
I can do this. Oh wait! I AM DOING THIS!
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