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On the last day.......

Friday, December 31, 2010

Of this year I sit and reflect, not of events but of another time. My entire life I have kept a journal- of hopes, dreams,ups and downs- to show life might be awful today but so full tomorrow. That hope and joy would always come back. And come back it did until two years ago. Now I have to face hard truths that so many doors have closed for me for the last time. I'll never have my own couture business, never own my own home, never get to fall in love with my goth prince. So for two years I've written nothing. But I know I must pull deep from inside- to encourage others,to help where I can , to continue to fight this cancer. Because even if my plans are done , there are so many others who depend on me to be there to help make their wishes, hopes, dreams and goals a reality!! My resolution- to write again to keep perspective, lest I ever think my life, no matter how small it's gotten, doesn't matter!

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WRWW13 1/2/2011 1:38PM

    Forever Friend of my heart, You do make a tremendous difference in so many lives!!!! I am one of them! I don't know how I would make it without U!!!!! U are an awesome inspiration to all that are lucky enough 2 know you!!!! I don't know how I would face my own medical problems without your support. You mean the world to so many!!!! Hang in there Chica!!!! Some doors may be only temporarily closed and there are others that will open. Don't give up on your dreams they may still happen. We never know what may happen. U have been a blessing in my life beyond my wildest imagination! U have enriched my life forever!!!! Sending you much luv and tons of huggsss!!!!!! When I run across that prince I will give him a kick in the ass and send him your way. He tarries too long. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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In the words of Velvet Revolver-"Its been a long year........"

Thursday, May 27, 2010

It's been a little over a year now since the morning I got up and COULDN'T get up. So much has changed. I could write all I've lost OR I could tell you the amazing turn my life has taken!!! I can get up each day and ,barring the monthly drs appointments,I can do whatever I please!! I can sketch my kitties or one of the many other animals around here or I can paint a new pic for the "gallery" I have in my kitchen. Works of mine and others. I can scan through my cookbooks and pick a few things to whip up and then get on the phone and invite a few work-weary friends over for a meal. I can walk down the lane and visit with the horses or spend the entire day re-reading Nin or a Brotherhood novel-how I love those men! Each day is a full out fashion event for me. No more " who will I offend or freak out?" my goth flag flies free! I have time to write real letters to friends, give quick calls to friends that just need someone to listen, to pray for the people in my life that need the touch of the hand of God. I have time to actually MAKE the clothes I design. Have time to teach the younger ones to sew and cook. I can finally drive again so I shop on off hours with no crowds and visit those who have heard way too much of only their own voice. I get to go to concerts and then revel in the afterglow the next day while everyone else drags off to work. I get to watch the sun come up at 4:45 in the morning or get up at 3 to sit outside in the glow of a giant full moon, a barn cat in my lap.
Do I still have cancer? Yes. On a scale of one to five is the pain like 30??? You betcha!! Was I mortified when I had to go to the Pearl Jam concert a few weeks ago in a wheelchair because it was too far to walk from the parking lot to the arena? Oh yeah!!! But as I walked down the isle in the dark and all the people with me gave me the thumbs up, I was absolutely STOKED!!! We can go either way in life. We can either bemoan every affront or we can revel in the good fortune of the serendipity of our lives!! My life ROCKS!!!! I just hope there is a LOT more of it left!!

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WRWW13 5/30/2010 10:17PM

    Friend of my heart, U have the greatest attitude!!!! U so totally ROCK!!!! I am so glad that you can drive again!!!! U hang in there sweetie - I am sure there are lots more blessings coming your way. U R such an inspiration to me. Sending U lots of Huggsss and much love.

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90 days of Summer

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Its been about three months since my last entry. Since then Ive gone from city girl back to the farm life I ran screaming from so many years ago. Thanx to the love and persieverence of my wonderful brother, Ive gone from a helpless lump on the floor, feeling sorry for herself to a fairly independent woman.The crow of the roosters replace the sound of my alarm in the morning. Walks around the barnyard making sure the potbellied pig hasnt gone to visit the neighbors has replaced my 2 mile jog down the towpath each day. My hairs golden now with platinum streaks in it from the sun. Cant dye it the rocket red it was anymore. Cant keep the bathroom clean from the scarlet stain when it takes you 45 minutes to just clean the everyday mess!!Im really poor now with the disability barely covering my bills and my homeopathic remedies, so I only wear makeup when I " leave the farm". Still my skin looks better than it has in years. Washed in spring water each day, lightly tanned from being in the garden or reading or cutting up veggies to freeze on my stoop.Use castoroil instead of $30 Olay and you can feel the difference-in a GOOD way!Instead of dressing to my glorious Goth nines, I wear loose clothes ,simple, cool, so I can keep moving-a little further,a little straighter each day. And my tan......only in the off hours but man, Im buttery-licious!!
Inside Im still Goth, but with a quiet peace , a newfound spirituality. Ive taken this time to study Native American medicine practice and found that its the closest way to describe the brother I love so much and who has gotten me through these days. His perfect understanding and respect for nature, the living ONLY in the present, the mind/body belief in healing.I am who I am today because of his constant encouragement and "cheerleading".
Ive missed a lot of things this summer. I missed KoRn and Crue Fest. I missed Allentown and Elmwood Festivals. I missed driving to the beach i the daytime and driving to Tops for and N/A beer in the middle of the night.But I gained so much as well. The "society" of chickens and roosters that live outside my door. The half dozen rabbits that live there with them. One black, two grey,two brown and one little white one with black ears! Of course the pig, named Bacon by the people my brother got him from and renamed Macon because "thats just wrong to call him that".The cats and the dogs-try playing catch with a dachshund who wants you to throw her a rock bigger than she is! Got to see them all in a pile, a peacable kingdom, on a lazy afternoon. Rabbit,dog,pig,cat and chickens on top!
Ive been to see "regular" doctors the past few weeks. My ND says she needs help now. The MDs tells me I may walk again, maybe even have a regular life again.But things have changed and I can t go back. Ive been renewed in these 90 days of summer. The life I fought to get away from has been my salvation. No matter what happens Im here for good! Im filled with a peace I never want to lose and I feel like Ill find my purpose here. Besides, if I left , who would keep an eye on the pig?

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DEUCE119 9/2/2009 7:11PM

    You sound better then you have for a long time. sometimes the best thing for us is to just go home. I just moved away from my hometown that I loved and was used to. It broke my heart and took me a short while to get thru, but here I am. Just remember, PEACE is good thing, even if you are Goth! hehe emoticon

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AMBERROGUE 9/2/2009 2:27PM

    So happy to hear that you have found peace. That, more than anything else in the world, is important to our inner, spiritual and yes, even physical health.

Brightest Blessings!

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OCEAN76 9/2/2009 1:42PM

    wow you are great inspiration and one day if you are not already you will be a blessing to alot of peoples lives that you may not even know about......... Keep up the hard but great work

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Now this is just annoying..............

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Im sitting here very bummed this morning. Last night my very favorite band in the world, KoRn, played a venue about 50 miles away. Did I have the money for the ticket? YES! Did I have a great outfit to wear?YES! But I got this crazy hip that just wont work!!I can even drive my truck, I just think Id have quite the time crawling from the parking lot down the street to the armory!
In the two months since this has happened Ive had a lot of time to think about what I was supposed to take from this experience, what Im supposed to learn. I said i would remember what it was like to be trapped in the house and not even be able to see the sun for days at a time. I would remember what it was like not to be able to get to a store for myself and get the right yogurt that wouldnt upset my stomach , the right razor that wouldnt rip the flesh, the right magazine that would keep the boredom away for another month.
And now I will remember what its like to miss a concert, show, play ,festival, etc because while you may be able to get yourself there , you cant get yourself around. So much of the healing process and of course the quality of life is a mental state.WHEN I am well I plan to try and find a way to remedy these things for others.It seems like a little thing to remedy that I see makes all the difference in the world to a person. If I could give someone elses life a boost, make someone elses life all the better, this would have been a lesson well learned! Keep prayin' for me guys! I got work to do!! Hugggggs

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BUFFALOGAL1952 5/23/2009 12:25AM

    It is all about attitude and how you view your the glass half empty or half full? I think you are a "half full" kind of gal and your attitude is going to get you thru this. Don't let yourself down girlfriend! I truly believe you are going to come out of this a much better person that the one you were when it all started. Keep your head up and your heart open! You'll get there!

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PRETTYNINK23 5/20/2009 10:24PM

    Your right in looking at this as a learning experience and being grateful every day for the things we have! you WILL get better and you WILL appreciate the little things a thousand times more than ever! i cant wait to see your healing process begin and remember you got a lot of people praying for you girl! :)

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DEUCE119 5/19/2009 9:21PM

    Hopefully your pain will be the worlds gain! You show a lot of strength and courage even when you are down! emoticon emoticon

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GLM19566 5/19/2009 5:00PM

    Hay, Woman, Sounds like some folks are going to benefit from your experience. This life is really about what we can do to help others, cuz when we help others we are really helping ourselves and the rest of the world in general. They say we are really all ONE with the ONE! You are very much an encouragement to me, and while this thing that your going thru is not fun your strength and courage to face it with a great attitude help us all. G-L

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BUTTERFLY_MT 5/19/2009 1:02PM

    any idea what's wrong with the hip? Are you able to see a doctor or anything?

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AMBERROGUE 5/19/2009 12:46PM

    That's it! Keep that chin up! emoticon Way to USE the frustration for something positive!!

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I miss.............

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I miss getting up at the @$$crack of dawn to pray, workout and get ready for work. I miss the quiet in the kitchen while I go around and turn everything on. Changing into my cook clogs and unlocking all the coolers. Starting the laundry and bringing up my knives and measuring cups. The smell of fresh muffins. The milkman banging at the door. Smalltalk with the dishwasher when he arrives. Gossip with my boss when HE arrives. Explaining "what the H%%L" that is when I eat my lunch every day. I miss walking out of the bathroom all dressed in goth splendor to head home. Miss driving my beautiful little truck home while laughing at Shredd and Reaggan, sitting in my driveway and wishing SOMETHING would happen in my life.Something happened all right...........................God something happened.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WRWW13 5/15/2009 11:14AM

    Hang in there Girlie, Hope your hip improves more rapidly that it has been. I know how much you miss your job and driving. U R such an independent spirit. Someday soon U will soar again. Now is a good time to catch up on your reading and draw amazing goth designs. I know with all the pain it must be awful. Sending U lots of healing vibes, wish I could be there to help. We could get into so much trouble - LOL.

Love Ya
Huggsss & mischief!!!!

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DEUCE119 5/14/2009 6:56PM

    Sounds like the job was a pleasure for you most of the time. I know you miss your house and job, but it isn't forever. You will mend and be able to once again explain to all what the heck you are eating!

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BUTTERFLY_MT 5/14/2009 3:58PM

    The middle of your story sounds like you had a lot of fun at your job. It's a job I probably wouldn't be good at or enjoy, but it seemed a good fit for you.

Hope you're doing better and that hip heals up super quick. Otherwise, I can just second FaeryKitten in saying just hang in there and look for the best out of this.

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AMBERROGUE 5/14/2009 3:20PM

    emoticon Hang in there. There's a silver lining to every cloud. Just sometimes you have to look harder for it than others.

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