Friday, December 31, 2010
Of this year I sit and reflect, not of events but of another time. My entire life I have kept a journal- of hopes, dreams,ups and downs- to show life might be awful today but so full tomorrow. That hope and joy would always come back. And come back it did until two years ago. Now I have to face hard truths that so many doors have closed for me for the last time. I'll never have my own couture business, never own my own home, never get to fall in love with my goth prince. So for two years I've written nothing. But I know I must pull deep from inside- to encourage others,to help where I can , to continue to fight this cancer. Because even if my plans are done , there are so many others who depend on me to be there to help make their wishes, hopes, dreams and goals a reality!! My resolution- to write again to keep perspective, lest I ever think my life, no matter how small it's gotten, doesn't matter!
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Its been about three months since my last entry. Since then Ive gone from city girl back to the farm life I ran screaming from so many years ago. Thanx to the love and persieverence of my wonderful brother, Ive gone from a helpless lump on the floor, feeling sorry for herself to a fairly independent woman.The crow of the roosters replace the sound of my alarm in the morning. Walks around the barnyard making sure the potbellied pig hasnt gone to visit the neighbors has replaced my 2 mile jog down the towpath each day. My hairs golden now with platinum streaks in it from the sun. Cant dye it the rocket red it was anymore. Cant keep the bathroom clean from the scarlet stain when it takes you 45 minutes to just clean the everyday mess!!Im really poor now with the disability barely covering my bills and my homeopathic remedies, so I only wear makeup when I " leave the farm". Still my skin looks better than it has in years. Washed in spring water each day, lightly tanned from being in the garden or reading or cutting up veggies to freeze on my stoop.Use castoroil instead of $30 Olay and you can feel the difference-in a GOOD way!Instead of dressing to my glorious Goth nines, I wear loose clothes ,simple, cool, so I can keep moving-a little further,a little straighter each day. And my tan......only in the off hours but man, Im buttery-licious!!
Inside Im still Goth, but with a quiet peace , a newfound spirituality. Ive taken this time to study Native American medicine practice and found that its the closest way to describe the brother I love so much and who has gotten me through these days. His perfect understanding and respect for nature, the living ONLY in the present, the mind/body belief in healing.I am who I am today because of his constant encouragement and "cheerleading".
Ive missed a lot of things this summer. I missed KoRn and Crue Fest. I missed Allentown and Elmwood Festivals. I missed driving to the beach i the daytime and driving to Tops for and N/A beer in the middle of the night.But I gained so much as well. The "society" of chickens and roosters that live outside my door. The half dozen rabbits that live there with them. One black, two grey,two brown and one little white one with black ears! Of course the pig, named Bacon by the people my brother got him from and renamed Macon because "thats just wrong to call him that".The cats and the dogs-try playing catch with a dachshund who wants you to throw her a rock bigger than she is! Got to see them all in a pile, a peacable kingdom, on a lazy afternoon. Rabbit,dog,pig,cat and chickens on top!
Ive been to see "regular" doctors the past few weeks. My ND says she needs help now. The MDs tells me I may walk again, maybe even have a regular life again.But things have changed and I can t go back. Ive been renewed in these 90 days of summer. The life I fought to get away from has been my salvation. No matter what happens Im here for good! Im filled with a peace I never want to lose and I feel like Ill find my purpose here. Besides, if I left , who would keep an eye on the pig?
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Im sitting here very bummed this morning. Last night my very favorite band in the world, KoRn, played a venue about 50 miles away. Did I have the money for the ticket? YES! Did I have a great outfit to wear?YES! But I got this crazy hip that just wont work!!I can even drive my truck, I just think Id have quite the time crawling from the parking lot down the street to the armory!
In the two months since this has happened Ive had a lot of time to think about what I was supposed to take from this experience, what Im supposed to learn. I said i would remember what it was like to be trapped in the house and not even be able to see the sun for days at a time. I would remember what it was like not to be able to get to a store for myself and get the right yogurt that wouldnt upset my stomach , the right razor that wouldnt rip the flesh, the right magazine that would keep the boredom away for another month.
And now I will remember what its like to miss a concert, show, play ,festival, etc because while you may be able to get yourself there , you cant get yourself around. So much of the healing process and of course the quality of life is a mental state.WHEN I am well I plan to try and find a way to remedy these things for others.It seems like a little thing to remedy that I see makes all the difference in the world to a person. If I could give someone elses life a boost, make someone elses life all the better, this would have been a lesson well learned! Keep prayin' for me guys! I got work to do!! Hugggggs
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I miss getting up at the @$$crack of dawn to pray, workout and get ready for work. I miss the quiet in the kitchen while I go around and turn everything on. Changing into my cook clogs and unlocking all the coolers. Starting the laundry and bringing up my knives and measuring cups. The smell of fresh muffins. The milkman banging at the door. Smalltalk with the dishwasher when he arrives. Gossip with my boss when HE arrives. Explaining "what the H%%L" that is when I eat my lunch every day. I miss walking out of the bathroom all dressed in goth splendor to head home. Miss driving my beautiful little truck home while laughing at Shredd and Reaggan, sitting in my driveway and wishing SOMETHING would happen in my life.Something happened all right...........................God something happened.
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