Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I say to survive only cause lately that's all I've been doing. Although It's hard to admit that all my so called living has been a fake out to show people I'm thriving as a single mother who's got it together. The only one I'm lying to is myself of course. Everyone else can see the physical toll it's taken starting with weight gain, followed by hair loss, then adult acne. I mean come on who am I kidding?..Right? Problem is I really just don't know how to let it out, fall apart, and sob uncontrollably, which would be a much needed soul cleansing. Instead I hold it together while numbing whatever feelings I'm not allowed to feel. I read this quote from Jim Carrey.. not sure if he said it or not, but it got me thinking if I can stop hiding behind a smile by numbing with food and allow myself to really feel.
"Heaven is on the other side of that feeling you get when you're sitting on the couch and you get up and make a triple decker sandwich. It's on the other side of that, when you don't make the sandwich. It's about sacrifice... It's about giving up the things that basically keep you from feeling. That's what I believe , anyway. I'm always asking 'What am I going to give up next?' Because I want to feel - Jim Carrey
Thursday, November 01, 2012
I finally found the courage to blog about were life has taken me this past year. It hasn't been pretty and I want to find the person I was before life took this not so unexpected turn for the worse. The title of this blog is from the reflection I had yesterday about the way i've been spending my free time lately. Prior to my separation from my husband of 11 years I had found a happy place in my consistent workouts and healthy lifestyle. I had full control of the one thing I could control, ME. I still remember my step aerobics instructor telling the handful of girls working out on a friday evening that this was our idea of "happy hour"; it made me happy to be part of this group of people. That was then... The now is a sad example of unhealthy habits that have led me to gaining back 20+lbs.
I met a man and started seeing, he is the complete opposite of my ex and I am drawn to his energy. It's more of a friendship, and someone who I could hike and hang out with. He had the same goals of living a healthy life, and seemed like the right fit. He is fun loving has many friends that are always willing to meet up at a last minute notice. I became part of this new group and my once healthy routine also became non existent. The hikes, workouts, and healthy eating went out the window, and were replaced by happy hour and weekends that involved too much eating and drinking.
It's obvious that this friendship/relationship is fun, but no longer a healthy one and my life is pulling me in so many different directions that I need to step back and refocus my energy. I hate the fact that I got so caught up in something that was leading me nowhere fast, but now I have to take control of the wheel again and go back to the 'happy hour' that brought me true joy and sense of accomplishment. I can't blame anyone for my choices, but I can choose to be part of his life without losing my own.
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