JORDAN1019   39,430
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Eat to live, not live to eat... or at least to survive in this case

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I say to survive only cause lately that's all I've been doing. Although It's hard to admit that all my so called living has been a fake out to show people I'm thriving as a single mother who's got it together. The only one I'm lying to is myself of course. Everyone else can see the physical toll it's taken starting with weight gain, followed by hair loss, then adult acne. I mean come on who am I kidding?..Right? Problem is I really just don't know how to let it out, fall apart, and sob uncontrollably, which would be a much needed soul cleansing. Instead I hold it together while numbing whatever feelings I'm not allowed to feel. I read this quote from Jim Carrey.. not sure if he said it or not, but it got me thinking if I can stop hiding behind a smile by numbing with food and allow myself to really feel.

"Heaven is on the other side of that feeling you get when you're sitting on the couch and you get up and make a triple decker sandwich. It's on the other side of that, when you don't make the sandwich. It's about sacrifice... It's about giving up the things that basically keep you from feeling. That's what I believe , anyway. I'm always asking 'What am I going to give up next?' Because I want to feel - Jim Carrey

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CBRECK77 9/18/2013 2:20PM

    This was awesome. I admire your honesty. No one has it all together, no matter what it looks like on the outside. I definitely don't, but I sure try to make it look like I do. I'm always happy and outgoing, but at night I drink or snack or veg out to numb the stress or sense of purposeless in my life lately. I gave up drinking yesterday as my way to "give up the things that keep me from feeling" like your quote said. I have tried this before and failed. I am going to try again

Thanks for your honest post. It is encouraging.

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It's all I can do right now...

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I've been trying to set new goals for myself for a while, but after hitting road blocks and anxiety from gaining so much weight back I've decided to just keep it simple. I will not set a goal right now as far as weight loss goes. Instead I will work on just staying on track with proper nutrition and increase activity. The last year + has been a challenge in dealing with a pending divorce and kids that are just not coping well. I also have not coped well by neglecting myself physically, emotionally and financially. All of which have taken a toll on life in general. Right now life is just survival mode, but the silver lining is that working out regularly the last three weeks has really made a difference clearing my mental fog. I feel better and more positive about tackling pending issues one at a time. I'm starting to really believe wading through all this muck will make me stronger in the end.

"Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny" C.S. Lewis

Still Smiling...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

UNICORN212 4/11/2013 11:55PM

    You will come through this and be stronger than before. You are probably grieving the marriage that "should have been" - and not the marriage that is now over. Set small goals - even if it is to get through the week in one piece. And then applaud when you reach each small goal. Focus on making each day better than the one before. One step at a time.

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-ICANDOIT- 4/11/2013 1:55PM

    You are so beautiful and powerful- and you have a grip on what to do to keep moving forward! Stay strong and keep going!!

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JORDAN1019 4/10/2013 2:53PM

    Thank you all for the sweet comments. I vent here cause as women 'in the real world' we must keep going strong and look good doing!

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STARLIGHT615 4/10/2013 2:17PM

    Sorry your going through alot right now!! You are a strong women and will get past it all!! Just keep ur head up and stay positive!! If you need anything let me know!!

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NEWSGIRL2177 4/10/2013 1:47PM

    Sorry things are rough. I feel you on that one. Keep marching forward! And running is always great for mental clarity. Hang in there!

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GIRL*IN*MOTION 4/10/2013 1:09PM

  *hugs** friend! Sorry you are going through a rough, patch but glad you are getting back to focusing on you and feeling better :) Keep it up, you'll get there.

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PRETTYPITHY 4/10/2013 1:06PM


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Missing her...

Thursday, February 28, 2013

By her, I mean the new me that once was. Where did she go? I started reading old blogs from when I was motivated and living a healthy life in hopes to recapture that lost drive. It has been more than a year since my husband and I separated and although there was a small glimmer of reconciliation for a brief moment that all went out the window quickly. I cannot continue to sit here are blame my backpedaling on external circumstances, I must be stopped. When he had his first affair, I blamed that fact that I was heavy and this motivated me to shape up in order to not look at myself as the reason for my failed marriage. I became aesthetically pleasing to him, but I learned that was not the problem, it was deeper than how I looked (confirmed by second affair) at which point he moved out. I have struggled to deal with this for a year and a half now and have lost that motivated, happy person I worked so hard to find. All I feel right now is despair and uncertainty and I want that girl back. This time I do not want it to be about pleasing someone else; it is more about feeling good and living the best life for me. Enough about relationships affecting my choices, done!...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOLFKITTY 3/12/2013 10:22PM

    Hang in there! It can be tough, I know, but we will master all of the changes that life brings. :)

Adapting our routine, finding ways to stay happy and healthy through varying circumstances, is exactly what we need to practice - and this is practice!


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KRISKECK 3/1/2013 10:01PM

    I am with you on that. I hear your pain. I've been there. Keep on trying to find her and don't settle for less. You deserve only the best.



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NWLIFESRC 2/28/2013 1:45PM

    I hear you loud and clear

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CASSCOTT70 2/28/2013 1:40PM

  Good for you!! We think that being selfish is a bad thing, but I think we must be a little selfish and love ourselves first and foremost, once that has been established the rest will follow.

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My happy Place is not happy hour...

Thursday, November 01, 2012

I finally found the courage to blog about were life has taken me this past year. It hasn't been pretty and I want to find the person I was before life took this not so unexpected turn for the worse. The title of this blog is from the reflection I had yesterday about the way i've been spending my free time lately. Prior to my separation from my husband of 11 years I had found a happy place in my consistent workouts and healthy lifestyle. I had full control of the one thing I could control, ME. I still remember my step aerobics instructor telling the handful of girls working out on a friday evening that this was our idea of "happy hour"; it made me happy to be part of this group of people. That was then... The now is a sad example of unhealthy habits that have led me to gaining back 20+lbs.
I met a man and started seeing, he is the complete opposite of my ex and I am drawn to his energy. It's more of a friendship, and someone who I could hike and hang out with. He had the same goals of living a healthy life, and seemed like the right fit. He is fun loving has many friends that are always willing to meet up at a last minute notice. I became part of this new group and my once healthy routine also became non existent. The hikes, workouts, and healthy eating went out the window, and were replaced by happy hour and weekends that involved too much eating and drinking.
It's obvious that this friendship/relationship is fun, but no longer a healthy one and my life is pulling me in so many different directions that I need to step back and refocus my energy. I hate the fact that I got so caught up in something that was leading me nowhere fast, but now I have to take control of the wheel again and go back to the 'happy hour' that brought me true joy and sense of accomplishment. I can't blame anyone for my choices, but I can choose to be part of his life without losing my own.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWSGIRL2177 11/1/2012 7:24PM

    We all make choices we look back on and think, What the...?! But you're smart and strong to now say, I'm taking back control and focusing on what I need. You'll be stronger after the dust settles.
Hang in there!

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I will find my light again, and it will shine brighter than ever...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I haven't blogged in what seems like ages. So much has gone on in my life lately that I felt I needed to write to one day remember this feeling and never come back to this dark place I've been in. I want to see myself the way my friends and family see me, not the pathetic woman I see myself as. I know it sounds horrible to say that about oneself, but this is the place I've sunk to.

A few month ago my husband decided he was no longer in love, but he cares for me. His words felt life a knife stabbing in my heart. We have two children and have been together for 16 years. I know we have had our ups and downs, but never did I expect to hear these words from him. Now I'm trying to get out of the dark hole i'm in. I stopped taking care of myself and have gained back 15lbs. The thought that I am not good enough keeps going through my head and I am really trying hard to squash it. I am feeling needy and starved for his attention which is were the pathetic thought comes from. I know all it does is push him further away. He says he feels confused and needs time away from our home to figure our what he wants. I need to give him the space he needs and some. I need to focus on my children and keeping my sanity.

Last night I read an passage from an inspirational text I received which read. "...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5, NKJV) I decided that all this moping and self hatred needs to stop right now. He has made a decision that benefits his life and is being true to his heart. I need to do the same and accept his words as a passage to whatever it is God has planned for me. I choose to open the door to joy because I am loved by many and I have a purpose in this life.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STARLIGHT615 9/17/2011 11:14AM

    I am so sorry to hear all the struggles that you are facing right now!! Focus on you right now! If you need anything email me.

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SWEETZMIX 9/15/2011 8:06PM

    Sorry to hear what you are going through. Everything will work out in time!

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APIRLRAIN888 9/15/2011 1:19PM

    Hugs! Omg I'm so sorry to hear that! Not to say I understand.but I was away for a few months too and in a downhill spiral. Depressed self loathing.
But sp found me...back 4wks now
Exercising and trying to get back into running has brought back my spark.
20lbs,8/10 again, couldn't run a mile...but 4 wks has turned my life around. Chk out my recent blogs.

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GIRL*IN*MOTION 9/15/2011 1:16PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon I'm sorry to hear you are going through a hard time. I read an inspiration/motivation quote as well and it always helps me get through hard times "with out the rain there cannot be rainbows". Perhaps this is just what you need to see some rainbows and you will start yourself on a journey of self discovery and come out stronger and better for it :)

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