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get this fat girl out of my head!

Monday, September 27, 2010

I went out to a show with a bunch of friends yesterday. I wore pants that haven't fit since I accidentally shrunk them two years ago and that were tight to begin with and they fit perfectly. I even thought i looked pretty good, i had even looked in the mirror and said damn girl you are really shrinking. As i walked over to my friends i was greeted with absolute raves about how fabulous I am looking these days. It felt GREAT for about a minute then i just felt terribly awkward. Thinking i didn't deserve such praise, i'm still fat, they're just being nice because they know i'm working on it etc etc. One friend who I think has a very nice body was even saying that i'm catching up to her. i was like what? no way i'm still 170 pounds; I am NOT thin. i'm guessing she weighs about 130 but was really insistent that i'm getting close to her size. I just don't understand, I cannot see that although others agreed. I still feel awkward and like I take up too much room and don't deserve attention or to feel attractive. I tried to tell myself how i've lost 20 pounds in the past few months and that i'm much less then the 215 i was when i met this group. It didn't help. Somehow I think I feel even less attractive then when I was heavy. I feel like i just want to blend into the background. I'm feeling very shy and insecure more so then before! I don't talk negatively to myself very much anymore but there is still the fat girl in my head and I don't know how to get her to go away. I want to feel as good as people say I look. I want to feel sexy again. I finally got a handle on viewing this lifestyle as a journey to be enjoyed instead of a means to an end. I feel good about all the positive things I am doing I just don't know how to get my sexy back. I feel like I don't deserve to wear sexy clothing even though I dressed very sexy when I was heavy and had no problem doing so! I feel like a lost puppy today.. sorry for the rant!

On a more positive note I am finally able to work out at a decent intensity again, my cough is starting to subside a bit. So i had two good workouts this weekend which is fabulous. I am also smoking no more than 10 cigarettes a day since thursday. I keep reminding myself of all the new clothes and accessories I can buy with the money I will be saving!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNSHINE1234 9/30/2010 12:13PM

    i'm having trouble "seeing"or 'feeling' my weight loss. i have lost 30 lbs and I can see that i am a little bit smaller but i think i am still in the "i'm fat" stage. Good luck to you!!!

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PATTYCAKE17 9/28/2010 9:26AM

    Hate to say it, but been there, done that. If you don't accept yourself at the weight you're at, you'll either turn around and put on every pound that you eventually lose, or else you'll give up way ahead of the finish line just so you can return to your comfort zone. Wish I was so smart years ago, but my head was much fatter then, and I had to work through years of pain and disappointment. Now I just really love myself as God loves me, so I'm ok at any weight, but my health is not, and my comfort zone is not into fat anymore. Oh yes, it took years of one on one couseling and 12 step support groups, but boy! was it ever worth it! I highly recommend nicotine anon. and overeaters anon. to help you work your way out of your head. I really believe you want to change and feel good about yourself, so I'm just sharing what worked for me, not sending empty emoticonyour way. emoticon emoticonand more emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/28/2010 9:28:24 AM

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JAVAQUEEN74 9/28/2010 8:44AM

    #1 - CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PROGRESS! 20lbs is no easy feat! And you've DONE it! That's emoticon

#2 - I believe that the fat girl in your head will shut her face very soon. Stop listening to her now! She's got nothin' on ya. ;)

#3 - I love how you are thinking about how many clothes you can buy with the money you save from NOT buying cigarettes. I need to tell myself the same thing. :| I try to tell myself that each pack is a Zumba class, or 3-4 Zumba classes on $1 day! So far, it's not helping me so much. BAH. Maybe we can take this smoking thing on together??

Keep doing what you're doing. It's working! Pretty soon that fat chick in your head will get tired of all the AWESOMENESS and just leave. :)

Hang in there! You've TOTALLY got this! emoticon emoticon

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 9/28/2010 7:47AM

    On my drive yesterday, I was thinking about how I have to shift the work from only the physical to the emotional. My ex pretty much f'd me over in that department, and I am going to have to spend time and effort unlearning what he drove home. Sounds like you need to start doing something similar. If you are going to weigh 170, then ROCK 170. Who cares. Attitude is so much more important. We love you hon!

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EUPHRATES 9/28/2010 2:11AM

    It takes time, hon. I've got a friend who lost 100 lbs last year and looks fabulous...but she still doesn't see it and focuses on the fact she's still a size 14, not teeny. Your brain hasn't caught up to your body yet, that's all.

Remember to enjoy what *is*, even while you're on the journey.

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ANALOGY 9/27/2010 3:03PM

    I agree that "thank you" is the easy way to deal with a compliment. As for the rest, I expect time is the answer. You will get used to your new improved body, see it as such, and if you had enough self-esteem to feel sexy 40 pounds ago, I'm sure you will have enough to feel sexy at this weight or a thinner one. We all have off-days/weeks/months.

I am still self-conscious taking my shirt off in front of my wife even though the giant belly in this photo is long gone. I still see it there in my head. But I expect I will get over it.

Comment edited on: 9/27/2010 3:04:06 PM

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BUTTERCUPP77 9/27/2010 1:36PM

    It's really hard to ignore that self-conscious voice in your head, I have a hard time accepting compliments, but I've learned that the only appropriate response is "thank you." Most people are not that free with compliments, so generally, if they spontaneously say it, (as in, you didn't start with "what do you think of my outfit?"), it's usually sincere. I always tell my head-voice that if they didn't think it or want me know it, they wouldn't have said it.

You've worked SUPER hard this summer. Why wouldn't your friends notice and be supportive? The number on the scale is just a number. You know that you're densely packed- and with the muscle you're building, you're getting a lot more compact. The number on the scale may well be in your mental fatzone, but that doesn't tell you how little space you take up in the world.

Don't let your own low self-esteem win.

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ASH72461 9/27/2010 1:18PM

you are doing awesome
downsizing clothes,
while also kicking a bad habit
i am very proud of you emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FLIGGACHICA 9/27/2010 1:06PM

    awesome, good progress!

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bored? frustrated? i don't know.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I'm feeling a bit blah today and yesterday. I feel like I need to spice things up a bit. Most of my workouts this month have been totally lame. I know I could not help that due to getting sick but it is still disappointing and I am feeling the effects in my energy levels and mood. I just want this cough to go away so I can start doing more intense activity. Right now I can barely maintain a moderate pace on the bike because my body is still a bit fatigued and I'll have a coughing fit when i push myself. I am looking forward to setting some new goals for October. October is my favorite month! I love the fall and Halloween is my favorite holiday. I know one of my goals is to tone up some more so i can rock a super sexy costume with confidence. I know two of my goals for October will be to rock more strength training. I intend to do 30 day shred twice a week and do two upper body focused sessions a week. I also plan to rock some changes to my cardio I'd like to include some more turbo jam now that i've discovered it and I'm going to buy a new dvd as my reward for hitting my 60 day streak. Not sure which one yet. I also intend to up my protein somehow (not really sure how to do that without sacrificing other nutrients) but I want to build some seriously sexy muscle!

I figure by setting my new workout goals for October instead of focusing on this coming week will allow my body some more time to heal. Damn this cough! I just want to be better already. I miss my workouts and its making me cranky.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OPTIMISSPRIME 9/24/2010 2:39PM

    You can do it!! emoticon

I hope you feel better soon. Being sick sucks!!! emoticon emoticon

By the way, as a vegetarian it's also hard for me to get enough protein. Some foods that have really helped me are:

- Nonfat plain yogurt (1 serving has about 120 calories and 22 grams of protein, although I sweeten it with some fruit which adds a little to the calories)

- Alvardo st. bakery flax bread (2 slices = 100 calories and 8 grams of protein!)

- Broccoli (3 cups = 90 calories and 9 grams of protein!). I mix it with 1 tbslp of olive oil, some lemon juice or vinegar, some cayenne, and some salt, for a super quick very green and simple salad :)

- Tofu. Depending on the brand, the calorie and protein count differs. If your local grocery store sells the Tofu Life brand of tofu (1 serving = 120 calories, 18 grams of protein) I highly recommend it because it's already seasoned and really flavorful. If you can't get that, Trader Joe's high-protein tofu is also good, but it's not seasoned or anything.

I hope some of these suggestions help!! emoticon

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100 Days til the New Year!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I'd like to thank Mezzoangel for the idea!

My goal is simple to keep living a healthy lifestyle.

1. Eat in my calorie range at least 80% of the time
2. On cheat days don't eat a weeks worth of calories! indulge with thought and care (especially with those pesky holidays coming up!)
3. Continue my exercise streak
4. Encourage others everyday
5. Work on going back to school and my career path!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEHUALADY 9/23/2010 7:03PM

    Thanks for the reminder...a lot can be accomplished in 100 days! I'm back on track myself, starting today...let's see what happens in the next 100! Happy Equinox! Bonnie

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LEHUALADY 9/23/2010 7:03PM

    Thanks for the reminder...a lot can be accomplished in 100 days! I'm back on track myself, starting today...let's see what happens in the next 100! Happy Equinox! Bonnie

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Had a great weigh in yesterday and today!! Yesterday said 170 and today 170.5 so I'm tracking it as 170.5! Which means essentially i hit my september goal of 170, I will definitely lose at least a half pound in the next week although it won't be reflected on the scale (its that TOM next week) for a bit which is why I weighed in today instead of waiting until next week. I am so excited!

This means I accomplished two September goals so far, hitting 170 and doing 5 real pushups! I am on track to get my 60 day work out streak (7 days left til 60) and will most likely finish The Spark tonight! The only thing that did not happen yet is 3 complete circuits of banish fat boost metabolism, I actually haven't even done it this month because of being so fatigued and achey while my body tried to fight this sickness and then being so sick once the cold came on! I'm still coughing so still taking it easy but I'm working on easing back into more moderate activity,

I find it kind of funny that now that I am not obsessed with the scale and don't really much care what the number is since my inches are decreasing and I am feeling and experiencing many improvements that NOW the scale cooperates rather easily! I did not expect to reach 170 this month, i was slightly disappointed but then realized this has been a good month really. Sure I had a few eating binges but each time I picked myself up and did better the next day. I continued my workouts despite sickness, binge days and exhaustion. Yeah, sure I overate quite a bit some days but overall I've done well on most days and I ENJOYED this month. I didn't beat myself up or deprive myself of anything (although I should have deprived myself a LITTLE more when going out to eat, still a downfall of mine).

On another note I am seriously considering quitting smoking. I know I know, I shouldn't be smoking. I've smoked since I was 14, about a pack a day most days. I want to quit for my health and so I can workout better but I am really afraid of gaining weight and I have a hard time not identifying myself as a smoker. Something I have to think about I guess. I really also want to save the money, its such a waste. I keep thinking about how i could buy cute clothes and shoes for my new shrinking body if only I had the money. Its just so hard to quit!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESSSPARK 9/23/2010 3:12PM

    I smoked for 10 years and have been clean for 11. What finally worked for me was taking wellbutrin for several weeks (at the time Zyban was the non-generic of this) then I quit and went on the patch for like 2 months, then I weaned off the patch and stayed on the meds for another month or so then went off the meds.

The patch obviously helped with physical withdrawal, the wellbutrin made a HUGE difference for me in my psychological withdrawal (I did not want to take people's cigarettes while beating them into a bloody pulp like every other time I quit).

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WENDYSPARKS 9/23/2010 3:00PM


Wendy :) emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 9/23/2010 2:56PM

    I am so so so so proud of you for both the 170 and the push ups. That is so cool.

I am inspired, gorgeous.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BUTTERCUPP77 9/23/2010 2:27PM

    I'm so proud of you for beating your own expectations!!!! (You thought it would take the month to accomplish all that, but it didn't!)

Just a suggestion, but you could approach quitting smoking as a long-term commitment- exactly the way you're working on your weight loss goals). If you start by cutting back by just one cigarette a day, you'll have started...

I've had friends quit different ways. For some, it's been cold turkey. Others need to wean themselves down. (One friend was only allowed to smoke on his work breaks. Then he kept pushing back that cigarette until eventually, he was't smoking anymore at all). I've heard some say that the first 3 days were the worst... I think it's very personal and you'll have to experiment to find a way that works best for you. You CAN do it- but you have to be sure you're really ready. I wonder how much your workouts would improve...


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doing well!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Yesterday I went to Ruby Tuesdays with my boyfriend. Made some bad food decisions because i was really craving some crap to be honest. I definitely way over indulged and am not beating myself up for it. I didn't eat emotionally I chose to over eat and it was delicious! It's funny though how much of a difference I've noticed in the amount of food I can eat. Normally I would have felt fine after that meal but yesterday I felt stuffed! Now I know I shouldn't have had this indulgence after just coming off a bad week but hell this is a lifestyle and this is just the way it happened to fall. No big deal!

I have been sick since last Wednesday and have been only doing 20 minutes of stretching (Pilates for Flexibility) everyday. As much as I enjoy stretching and its benefits I want some intense cardio!! I'm in withdrawal but my lungs are still congested so i know i have to wait. I'm hoping this doesn't affect my ability to complete three circuits of Banish Fat Boost Metabolism for my September goal, there is only a little over a week of the month left and I haven't even tried yet!

However I did my measurements and have seen some amazing results in the past month! Last month I weighed in at 179.5,
Waist: 35.25
Thigh: 26
Upper Arm: 13 and a little less than a quarter
Calf: 16.

This Month!!! I have only lost about 4.5 pounds BUT my measurements have changed alot.
Waist: 34 (out of the danger zone!!)
Thigh: 25
Upper Arm: 12.75
Calf 15.5 (this means I will now fit into most hot topic knee high boots, one of my motivations!!)

I'm not longer worried about the lack of change on the scale since my body is shrinking at a good pace! I guess I must be building muscle!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EUPHRATES 9/21/2010 1:10AM

    You're doing so great!

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JESSSPARK 9/20/2010 9:03PM

I love the boot comment, it's something that was on my goal list for around this weight but it never really occured to me that they would not have FIT my calves previous to now.. So hot!

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