Monday, June 07, 2010
We moved. It was a tremendous project, but now it's done, and here we are.
My mother has cancer. It's small and very aggresive, and she's starting chemo very soon. I can do nothing. I can't even travel to see her or hang with her or anything, thanks to the financial burden of moving.
My brother in law is getting married in 2 weeks. I love his fiancee, and I'm so happy for them, but I'd promised myself I'd lose weight for the wedding, and I have not. I've gained.
These are the big things, but life is full of the smaller stressors that add up, the moments and events that feel as though they're set to knock me down. Big stress and small stresses have led me to where I'm at now, which is (probably) pretty near my starting weight. That's bad, especially considering that I have to attend a family wedding in 2 weeks, a ceremony that both of my boys and my husband will be included in, so you know there are going to be pictures. Bad.
Thankfully, my hormones are in a good place -- today -- so I'm not whipping myself psychologically/ emotionally/ mentally. I'm discouraged, certainly, but I'm hoping that'll be impetus enough to get this show (back) on the road, returning to healthy habits, though it's going to be more difficult now, taking into consideration all of the changes the move has made necessary to my previous routines/ habits. No fitness center, no quick & easy access to Whole Foods, that kind of thing.
Changes need to be made. I suppose that's the bottom line. I hope I don't let myself down even worse.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I don't believe me.
I'm full of cheerful encouraging words. Full of ideas of how things are going to be different starting tomorrow morning. Full of promises and visions and knowledge.
I'm back up (and over) where I was weight-wise last Christmas, before I lost the last 10 pounds. Nothing changes.
I'm eating meat again, though I don't want to be. I want to be getting my protein from non-animal sources, want to be feeding my family healthy meals, being an example for my children and husband, parents and siblings. And yet... nothing changes.
I want to be a runner. Want to take the spare minutes to strengthen my body with Pilates, to limber my muscles and joints with yoga, to push myself and see definition by strength training. But I'm not. I'm doing nothing.
My clothes aren't fitting, and shopping is excruciating. The worse I look, the worse I feel, the worse I behave, the worse my choices. It's a cycle I'm all too familiar with.
And I can't seem to remember how to break it.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
I haven't articulated my goals for the new year very well, but I did decide that starting January 1st, I would cut meat, dairy and sugar. Today is January 2nd, and I broke that streak with the mocha latte I had after dinner tonight: sugar and dairy.
The part that makes this a true sin is that I totally knew that having that one mocha latte would break both streaks, two out of three, even. I knew it. I considered it. I did it anyway.
So, here's the thing: I'm restating the objective for the next week. Sunday to Sunday. No dairy, no sugar. I'll even try to avoid sugar substitutes (i.e. sugar-free syrups at Starbucks) and the agave nectar I use for coffee. I don't know how successful I'll be with the coffee/ agave issue, but I'll try anyway.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I made the second step. Actually, I've made the third and fourth too, despite stumblings between steps two and three.
That didn't make any sense, did it? No, it did not. See, I resolved this past week to get back on the wagon, made a plan, mapped it out on a calendar. Whatever I must to motivate myself for a short while. Then I got up on Thursday morning and went to the gym. Yay me!
Then I skipped on Friday. Skipped Saturday, too.
This weighed heavily on me, though, more so than usual. Each day felt like a FAIL. Sunday, however, I rolled my ample bottom out of bed and went to the gym and had a delightful workout. Long & painful, but delightful nonetheless. This morning I had a bit more trouble. I had a yucky night of sleep and this always makes it difficult to get up, let alone earlier than I'd like. But I reminded myself that I wouldn't feel better for having stayed in bed; I would feel the FAIL of it. That worked. Up I went.
I'm terribly out of shape. I'm so out of shape that simply working the elliptical machine for half an hour has fatigued my muscles as though I've done circuit training. I'm not kidding. My *abs* hurt. Biceps. My hips are killing me. Well, that last one is only remedied with regular Pilates, which, obviously, is going to have to happen sooner than later.
Anyway. Yay me.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Still working on that second step.
Blaming my hormones more than my writing, which is something new and different. *snort*
Someday, I swear it, if only to myself. Someday I'm going to do this right.
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