Monday, February 17, 2014
Hello, Iím Jo, a grateful believer in Jesus Christ. I suffer from a living problem.
More to be revealed.
I was dropped off by the mothership and adopted by an earth family.
Now I know Iím truly not an alien, but it sure would explain why I didnít fit in for so long.
I came to my Mom and Dad at around 6 days old. They had waited all summer for a girl. I truly was a blessed child to have them as parents.
I didnít live in peace for very long. My brother decided I was his personal play toy from the time I was 18 months old and he played rough.
When I was four my brother began to find a different way to play with his little sister. He began to sexually abuse me. Then he learned he could get a lot more out of me if he let others use me. In many cases the people, who he let use me, could have easily killed me. I learned through much abuse to know what they wanted and began to crave it just to get by. In all this mess I still found something I can now be thankful for. My brother was put in jail when I was 12 years old. I never had to hide from him again.
My parents took us to church and Sunday school every Sunday. I sang in the choir before I could read.
I heard the stories in Sunday school about the God of Isaac, Jacob and Samual. I heard about God rescuing Jonah, Noah and Moses. I heard about Jesus feeding the many, raising the dead and healing the sick. Then I got old enough to understand what was being taught in church. God suddenly became a God of fire and brimstone. I wasnít so sure I wanted that God in my life. But I kept going. I taught Sunday School, went to youth group and Church Camp. I had God in this neat little box. Right where I could keep Him close but not have to follow all His rules. I would be touched by God while at camp.
I was in awe with the nature He created. I accepted Jesus as my savior at one such camp, only I lost sight of Him when I got home. Praise GOD, He never lost sight of me.
My parents new what a budget was so I only got 3 outfits at the beginning of school. It didnít take kids long to figure out how few clothes I had and the teasing started and continued. Since some of the boys my brother had let use me also went to school with me you can only imagine what other things were going around the school and being hurled at me. I spent Jr High hiding behind my lunch bag to eat lunch. Senior High I found the band practice rooms a perfect place for lunch.
During High School I had made several friends in youth group. They seemed to be the only on Godís turf kinda friends. Not a nod at school or a day to hang out. I felt totally alone except on Sunday at youth group.
Since my brother had been such a screw up, I put way to much pressure on myself to not be. My parents expected good grades and I got them. They never said I had to take college prep classes and keep up. Didnít say I had to learn instruments, and play them well. I still felt the pressure.
When I was 13 years old our church had a mother, daughter banquet. Of course Mom and I went. The entertainment was a womenís barbershop group. I was hooked. I couldnít join until I was 14 years old. I had to earn the money for dues, costumes and competition. It was where I belonged. I even got to hang out after practice. I started living for Tuesday practice instead of Sunday. I was again slipping down a slippery slope.
I was a Junior in High School when this guy my age moved in across the street. I sat on my porch watching him move in. Watching him paint the garage. Watching him mow the lawn.
I didnít know his name. He started going to youth group, and I started baby sitting his sisterís kids.
Christmas of my Junior year I spent dinner at my boy friends house.
That boy friend came with a price. He didnít know the meaning of the word ďnoĒ. He stirred up that craving for sex again, so I quit saying no.
Here I was back in the same mess Iíd gotten out of with my brother. Except. This guy was suppose to love me. I wouldnít leave him for fear of being alone again.
But, I wanted out.
Out of the relationship
Out of the town
Yes even out of Church.
In 1982 I joined the US Air Force. San Antonio seemed like far enough to escape my problems. Too bad I took the biggest problem with me. Myself.
Basic training has one time when you donít have the Training Instructor staring you down. Chapel. No big commitment there. I can recall one Sunday we sang Ďebony and ivoryí. Really? In church? I could deal with it.
I attended Tech school in the lovely city of Biloxi, MS. There used to be signs on some yards ďDogs and Airmen keep off the grassĒ
I turned 19 shortly after school started. Some of the folks in the dorm decided to take me out to celebrate. Chicago (a guy from the windy city, go figure) handed me a grasshopper. Then I got another and another.
I donít remember much after the 3rd grasshopper. I was told Iíd continued drinking until they poured me into bed.
The next weekend we all went to a keg party. Chicago was pouring. I asked for a cup and he says, ďyou canít handle your alcohol.Ē To which I replied, ďI can if you hand it to meĒ At one such party I was offered marijuana, I knew if I drank Iíd get sent to rehab, but if I got caught doing drugs Iíd get kicked out. I needed the job. Thank GOD I was kept from that path, for I truly think I wouldnít have survived it.
Binge drinking on the weekend was how it started. Trying to make a 0530 formation after falling into bed drunk at midnight is where it progressed to, and worse. After an sexual attack the instructors looked the other way when I came to school drunk. I even went so far as to hide bottles in my dorm room and sneak a shot or two at lunch. Drinking and the sex that went with the keg parties became what I was living for. Since men kept using it to hurt me why not accept it and fall back into my sexual addiction.
I managed to sweat it out between Tech school and my first duty station while I was home. I thought, okay new station, drop the drinking. That lasted all of, 18 hours.
Now Iím a blackout drinker. So I donít know what Iíve done, except to lose face. For you see I got kicked out of hotelís and ended up sleeping on Biloxiís beach, basically a sidewalk with a little sand. I scraped up my face. I was at a party, I thought the merry go round looked fun. Except you shouldnít walk off it while itís going. Yep, there went my face. Riding a bicycle while still drunk from the night before and hitting a car, yep there went my face on the asphalt. So at least physically since Iíve sobered up I havenít lost my face.
I learned 2 months after getting to Arizona that I found out I was 4 months pregnant from that hurtful incident at Tech school.
For 5 months I beat on a piano everyday. Screaming along. I hurt. I was blaming God.
God new I was hurt, God made sure I had a refuge during those next months.
One of the chaplains was sent on a year long unaccompanied assignment to Alaska. He left behind his wife and 2 little boys. His wife was giving me piano lessons and invited me over after learning of my circumstances. Her home was safe - no men. I spent many a day there just feeling safe. She new I was hurting but never knew exactly how much.
My son Isaac was born on October 4th 1983. I gave him up for adoption. Part of me still aches for him on October 4th. I wonder what kind of man he is. It was the decision I could live with. The Catholic Chaplain told me while I was in the hospital that no one would have blamed me for going the other route, but I had enough of God in that small corner of my heart I had reserved for Him not to take that route.
After he was born I began house sitting for people. I cleaned out many a home bar and Thank GOD never drove while drunk.
I stayed in Arizona for another year and a half. I got orders for Hawaii. Yeah a hard over seas assignment but someone had to do it. I took leave and the ex boyfriend wanted to ďtalkĒ He still didnít take no for an answer and 9 months later my daughter was born.
Iíd decided that child never had to see me drunk. She never has. My daughter just turned 28 years old and God willing on April 1st Iíll have 29 years sobriety.
My daughterís babysitter started having an affair at my apartment. Her lover brought along his best friend. Another guy that didnít take no for an answer. Stirring back that desire I couldnít quite get away from. Nine months later my daughter was born.
Two months later my daughter was in intensive care and the doctorís telling me sheíd never walk or talk. My Mom prayed. God heard. My daughter is amazing. She wins ribbons and medals at every Special Olympics. God Rocks!
Well we had a daughter together and he asked me to marry him. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Then I found the drug paraphernalia under the couch. Then I had my babies sleeping on the floor while my husband ran to Burger King. Then I had a husband lying to the EPA, he was not doing tests he needed to do, just writing down the numbers. Then I had a husband writing bad checks. Then I had a husband bringing others to our marriage bed. Then I had enough and left.
Now if you thought my life was sticky thus far, hang on to your socks.
I left my husband for a woman.
Iíd been hurt by every man Iíd let in my life, so why not?
13 months later I had my daughter. (nope you arenít getting details, we donít have time and thatís my inventory)
She turned out to be worse then any of the men Iíd been with. Physically, sexually and emotionally abusive. So I found another, and another, and another and another. Trying desperately to fill that void that no one on earth could fill.
Women were not working out any better then the men.
I found myself stuck. With no money, it had all been wasted trying to fix everyone and everything. No love. No hope.
I ran full force into the side of the house.
I then said I was going to find a truck to run in front of.
Iíd been cutting, biting, destroying myself and now was ready to press that last button. I was done.
The police caught me before I was 3 blocks from the house.
No shoes and no inhaler.
Nope not going anywhere real fast.
I got an ambulance ride to the hospital.
I was placed in a program for self injury.
While I was in the hospital I got kicked out of my house.
When I got out I had no place to live.
Best things that could have happened.
I was lost. I knew I needed help. I was ready to surrender.
I went to Celebrate Recovery.
I was greeted with smiles. Handshakes. Hugs. Free dinner, which I really needed.
I went back to church.
I got down on my knees and asked Jesus back into my life.
Finally finding that One who could fill that void in my life.
I found an apartment and a month later was kicked out of it.
I asked my daughter if she wanted to find another place there or move back to Ohio.
She said ďmove to Ohio. Maybe God is leading us on a new pathĒ
With those words coming out of my teenagers mouth, I knew it was time to go.
I moved back home.
My Mom never stopped praying for me. My Dad didnít know how far Iíd fallen but he was ready with the safety net.
Iíve got a lot of paying back to do.
The first thing I found when I moved back was Celebrate Recovery. I would have driven 90 miles or more to find Celebrate Recovery, I truly know God put CR in my life to save my life.
As I mentioned Iíve got 28 years of sobriety under my belt, but only since Iíve come to CR have I truly found recovery. Thanks to Christ who loved me enough to die for me and cover all my past with His blood so I could start over.
Iíve since worked the steps with a caring accountability partner, and given all my hurts hangups, addictions and relationships to God. God is the true love I need in my life.
Iíve made bad decisions and good decisions. I know Godís got this, but some days I find it hard to accept. Then I get told to get over myself.
James 1:12 says - Blessed is the man who keeps on going when times get hard. After he has come through them he will receive a crown. The crown is life itself. God has promised it to those who love Him.
Times have been hard.
Times will still be hard. But, I wonít be alone.
Godís got this!
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
My daughter asked if I climbed a ladder to get so close to take this picture.
Actually all I did was take out the trash.
I went back out and sat awhile enjoyed the evening air.
Took a few shots with my new camera.
Using the trash can as my tripod.
So using what I have.
Getting fulfillment where I find it.
Living with what I have being happy where I am
Like reaching the moon with a camera.
Pulling dinosaurs out of paper with a pencil.
Or becoming an NBA star with my 4 year old
and his little tykes hoop in the backyard
I climb high when I can so the lows don't drag me down so far.
Find your ladder and join me.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
His feet hit the floor on a run.
He brightens my day like sunshine.
His birth-mom handed him a life born way too early, addicted to drugs, with little lungs on ventilator so long he now has slow down for asthma. He doesn't understand all these things.
He doesn't understand he's adopted. He doesn't understand because of these things he's not suppose to be able to do cartwheels. He just does them. He just runs for hugs and kisses from his Moms who love him.
He's playing life on his life's terms.
Today I woke to take pain pills, and waited for them to take hold, before I could even write this blog. That is my terms these days.
It hurts me not to be able to run with my boy, but I am blessed to be able to sit and read with my boy.
One day they may find what is causing all this pain or they may not.
On days I can we walk to the corner to the dollar store and buy a bottle of bubbles, chalk, or some other little treat that makes his day. He finds excitement. On days I can't we may just snuggle in my recliner and watch "Cars" again.
In the world's best selling book it says ",,, I shall not want,," I think it is is talking about learning to live life on life's terms. Not needing to do what we can't. Not needing the Big Mac when a peanut butter sandwich will feed us just as well.
I've learned to be happy with my walk to the corner, with my reading my boy a book, talking to my girls, parents, friends on the phone, being with my Hersband.
My second daughter had seizures which caused brain damage when she was a baby. She is 23 years old now and lives in a group home for mentally challenged adults. She called last night because I sent her a card. She was excited because she'd done all her laundry. She is excited to go to work shop, to go to a movie, to play wii or just hang out. Life on her the terms life has handed her. She touches more people with her attitude.
I don't know what else life has in store for me. I just know that life's terms for me is probably not a marathon, unless you count watching 5 Harry Potter movies in one weekend with my daughter so I could take her to see Harry Potter 6 Monday.
So if life is letting you run a marathon,,, WAY TO GO!!! If not be happy in what life is handing you. Find your life's terms and don't want.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I have flowers in my garden ,,, I didn't even plant
I am blessed
He brings me peace ,,, well when he sleeps
I am blessed
Arms full of love ,,, for her and for me
I am blessed
When my days are so full of allergies
When the diet just isn't working at all
When nothing goes right
When the budget won't work
At the days end I must remember
and that I am Blessed.
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