Monday, October 10, 2011
I take a step forward and the pain radiates through my hip and buttock. My leg bends a bit. I feel my shoulders tense. My torso grows rigid and my anxiety level starts to creep higher. My hands clench the handle of the grocery cart. It comes and goes and thanks to a really good chiropractor, after one week of work it’s “going.” I tried to push ahead but I was too tense. Inside a small voice directed me. “Even the pain…..” it said. I did an emotional “huh?” “Resist nothing, even the pain.”
While standing in the meat aisle at Kroger, I closed my eyes, relaxed my jaw, and took a few deep breaths. I let the pain rise up, through and out of me. After a moment or so, I took a tentative step forward. My leg was weak but there was no pain. I thought about this off and on the rest of the day. It’s not just the aches, pains and physical injuries that hold us back, it’s the mental and emotional pain I am often really scared to deal with. I stuff it back down deep because the accusatory fingers pointing back at me are too much to bear. So like my leg and back pain I muster all the forces I can to fight it.
Pain of any sort suggests I did something wrong and being wrong implies I am guilty of something. Maybe I ate too much, didn’t study hard enough, forgot to stretch before I exercised and suddenly I am “less than.” I begin to compare myself to you and always fall short. “It’s just better to push it back down….. Better to pretend it never happened”
I never realized how often I think like this, how often my emotional pain suggests a feeling of inadequacy and instead of bringing it into the light of day and seeing it for what it is, I choose to ignore it. I treat it the same way I treat my physical pain, looking for some sort of ibuprofen to relieve it. The voice inside of me, my God, my source suggests I resist nothing, not even the pain. I won’t lie. That’s scary.
Be blessed this Monday
Sunday, October 09, 2011
I lie in bed last night and I began wondering about all the things I won’t think about. Maybe you know what I’m talking about? They are the thoughts that usually end with “But that’s the past and the past is the past.” Or “Let’s not go there……….. Boy I really messed that one up……………Lets think happy thoughts!” So I stuff them down, forget about them, move on to something else because they are things about me and my life that I’d rather not think about or remember. Then I notice my jaw clench. My legs get a bit tight and I toss to the left and turn to the right. “Happy thoughts, John, happy thoughts.”
Two dear friends recommended the same book to me in the course of three or four weeks. You don’t have to hit me over the head………… Well maybe you do but not really often. The book: A Course In Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. The book came in the mail Friday and I prepared to be inspired. I said inspired, right? I didn’t say disconcerted or mildly uncomfortable, right? Good, just checking. Her opening salvo goes like this: “Your body itself is completely neutral. It causes nothing; it is completely an effect not a cause.”
Okay Marianne, tell my back and shoulder that; could you please explain to me why my legs only work right about fifty percent of the time? My body is neutral? AL righty then………… Did I mention the part about being hit over the head with a hard and dense object? My chiropractor suggested increasing my meditation time to help relax my muscles and reduce the spasms in my lower back. I have practiced meditation or creative visualization or whatever term you choose since the late 1980’s. I teach it in some of my seminars and with a few coaching clients. What could I possibly learn that I didn’t already know?
Friday evening I stumbled upon a meditation called “Resting In The Source.” It’s from a group called Meditation Oasis run by Mary and Richard Maddux. I’ll tell ya it’s a long one………. Close to twenty six minutes and the first time I went through it I got really confused. I just couldn’t figure out what I should be focusing on. That ever happen to you?
Last night, while relaxing and getting into the right place and space a small voice whispered in my heart, “Resist nothing.” As I listened to Mary’s gentle voice in my head phones I began to have a kinds of feelings, some pleasant, some not, bubble up. I unclenched my jaw, followed her instructions and let those thoughts pass through me. I had an image that I was lying at the bottom of a pool and these thoughts and feelings were bubbles floating out of me and to the surface. As they left my body and mind they were replaced by the love and light of my source. I didn’t shoot up and dance or scream. I simply drifted into an amazing calm. That’s when I put it all together.
As long as I allow them to do so, my thoughts, feelings and beliefs about myself and this world I live in, will hold me prisoner. They will always have me coming up short, they will place value on the meaningless and subtlety hold me back from living within my true self.
I woke up this morning as was conscious of what I felt. Some thoughts were pleasing and some not. My first inclination was to quickly brush away the “bad” ones and replace them with something more pleasant. I didn’t. I unlocked my jaw and just let them float though and by me and I sorta waved at them. Then I got brave. There are two things from long ago I could kick myself in the butt for doing. I try not to think about them. What is you knew? You might hate me, or think less of me or OMG………….” This morning I didn’t let that happen. I let them rise one at a time and just felt them pass through me. In my mind I kept repeating ‘resist nothing.”
I’d like to tell you they were gentle bubbles that went up and away. It was more like large chunks of the Titanic broke away and bobbed up and down really hard. The feelings were so massive and dense that they not only overwhelmed me but frightened me. They hung there, dense, nasty and full of accusation. Eventually they floated away, out of my emotional field of vision and they were replaced by a huge void. The void is neither good nor bad, only a void.
We all have those holes. Those things we rid ourselves of only to find something missing. In truth we are looking for our Source. Refer to it as God, as The Universe as Your Source. The older I get the more I realize finding it, not naming it is what’s important. If it seeks to control you, if it puts restrictions upon your spirit and uses guilt to inspire you then it is not your source. It is your minds creation.
A worthy goal, to resist nothing that floats before me. From now on I blog from the seat of my soul. Come with me?
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
I hung around mostly in the back ground the past week. Part of it was fear, part panic and part realization that if I didn’t do something soon and quick, I would have regained ALL the weight I’d lost in the past two years. I’d ballooned to 303.8. My starting weight two years ago was 326.0. At my best point I’d weighed 251.0. I was within twenty five pounds of my initial goal weight.
It’s been difficult to exercise the past three months after I injured my back so I aestheticized myself with food. It would have been nice if it has been the right kind of food but alas it wasn’t. Mostly carbs and sugar, mostly all day every day, mostly seeing everything I’d worked for slip away. It was and is depressing, to say the least.
I was ashamed, LOL, to put my weight on the tracker two weeks ago. I was over 300 pounds again. Me, Mr. Freakin’ Spark. Talk about your downward spirals. So I took a mini break, got reorganized and dealt with reality.
Reality One……………. Right now any cardio is out of the question until I get my back straightened out. It is what it is and crying about it to anyone who will listen, accomplishes nothing. I have to concentrate on my intake.
Reality Two………….. A fruit and/or veggie at every meal really do help.
Reality Three………….. If you don’t track what goes in your mouth you won’t know what goes in your mouth.
In a nutshell I went back to what worked. When I weighed yesterday afternoon I had lost 9.6 pounds. Yes, I’m happy. Yes I’m motivated. Yes I am back on track.
It’s the day to day stuff, the often dull and boring stuff that gets us back on track. A huge thanks to those who have hung on with me. I love ya, I really do.
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