Monday, September 12, 2011
Life is made up of events, both large and small that determine our outlook. No one ever has a free ride. It often seems that way, especially when we see ourselves standing at the bottom of a steep hill and everyone else is at the summit and appears to be having a good time. Often, we have little or no control over those events. All we can do is determine how we allow them to affect us. In the parlance of todayís generation we ďdeal.Ē
When we live in a world that invites inaction and encourages entitlement in dealing with lifeís difficulties dealing with reality is the last thing we want to do. Itís often better, we rationalize, to sit back, lick our wounds and allow the universe to feel sorry for us, because, after all, no one has gone through what weíve gone through. We lose weight and we clap. We gain weight and we slink away ashamed and embarrassed of what weíve failed to accomplish. Itís as if we have a large scarlet ďAĒ branded on our foreheads. We exercise faithfully and then one morning we run out of motivation and one morning leads to two and then we forget where the gym is and we take out our branding iron and stamp ďfailureĒ all over our bodies.
Success is for cartoon characters and magazine heroes. It happens to our neighbors, our friends, but never us. We are often, in our own minds a foot note in the grand scheme of life. We sail along happy and healthy and then we trip and fall hard and we just canít believe it.
I havenít been able to exercise for close to three months. My legs ache, my ankle stiffens, I get cramps. MRIís, X-Rays, consultations galore simply tell me whatís not wrong. Do you know I actually dream about being able to walk normally and Saturday night I dreamt about running in a huge field and OMG I was so happy and it was so real and I woke up and realized I was dreaming. I cried. I buried my head in the pillow and I cried. I have not been a good Spark friend recently. No blogs, little encouragement for others, just licking my wounds and wondering why. The neurosurgeon I saw last Tuesday told me to lose weight and exercise that would help the soreness and pain. Uhm, Mr. Doctor, I canít walk any more than two hundred feet without getting cramps and my left leg getting stiff.
I am tense all the time. Joan says a lot of the pain and stiffness comes from we walking like I have a board up my butt. I am depressed. I benchmark activities against how hard it will be for me to walk and donít look forward to a lot. I am tired of feeling the way I do, both physically and emotionally. So I decided this morning that I need to deal. Iíve decided that I may be this way forever and if I am I canít sit around like Oscar The Grouch for all of eternity. I have reached my own ground zero. Whether I ever get to walk normally again is not going to be an excuse for giving up on living and loving. Oh yeah, Iíll get frustrated and please donít ever mistake me for a saint.
My massage therapist who stands five foot, one and weighs a whole one hundred pounds told me it was time to start taking my own advice. It hurt and it stung and deep inside I got madder than hells but I turned my head and looked at her and realized she was right. A Spark friend I admire deeply told me last week the thing she admires about me the most is that I donít quit. I donít and I wonít.
It really sucks having people do stuff for you. You lose all sense of control, and destiny. You have to open up and ďaskĒ for things. People give them gladly, but itís the sinking sense of vulnerability that makes you feel so damned naked. Scared? Yeah I am. My worlds been rocked. I feel perfectly fine as long as Iím sitting down. As soon as I stand up life becomes and adventure.
So, Iíll deal.
I am worth it. I deserve it. I am who I hang around with and life is what it is.
Thank you for being someone who is willing to help. It is appreciated.