Monday, August 01, 2011
Sometimes I stand in line at the grocery store and while I’m waiting to check out I look at the magazine covers. It’s become a reflex action, hardly noticeable, but I find my hand going across my bald head feeling for something that resembles hair. My belly automatically sucks in a bit and I stand a little taller. I start to compare myself to the image staring back at me. As I load the groceries into the car I start making all sorts of mental resolutions and set some fantastic goals. I’ve compared myself to someone else and I’ve come up lacking. All the way home I curse my last bottle of beer and last carb loaded lunch. I rationalize that it’s all in my genes and that I am always going to be this way. I lock my jaw a bit more firmly. “I WILL do this!!!” And I do. At last count, to the best of my recollection, I’ve done these things eight or ten times in my adult life and each time I end up back in the same spot, heavier, less healthy and more frustrated. Want a laundry list of the things I’ve tried? I’ll skip that part because you’ve probably tried them also. It’s really frustrating isn’t it? You reach a success plateau, celebrate a bit and watch your success slowly unravel.
The answer came to me of in all places Sam’s Club yesterday morning. Joan gave me one of those “Wait here,” commands while she walked down an aisle to look at something. I was staring off into space when this massive revelation entered my mind. “You can’t change what you don’t believe in.” Most of my life I’ve been really good at “removing” things. Bad habits, weight control, you name it. I ferret those little buggers out and attack them head on. The missing integer has simply been taking a deep breath and accepting and loving myself just as I am, right now! If I never change another thing, never lose another ounce, never eat another healthy balanced meal or run a 5K, I’ll be the most wonderful and cherished person God created. We were born as we are and then as soon as we were able we began comparing and changing. We wanted to look more like……… We wanted to sound more like……………… It hardly ever worked.
I sit here today, overweight, in a bit of physical distress because of my back and legs and it dawns on me that maybe all of this happened because I am being shown that my worth and my value has nothing to do with a scale or how fast and far I run, but in accepting who and what I am right now, today, and loving me as is, no extended warranties, no promise of an updated model, just me as me to be loved and to love. It comes down to looking at me and accepting what’s in front of me, not running away, getting lost in magazine images but simply and purely loving me as I am. I cannot begin to create any sort of action plan until I dig deep and look at ALL that I am and accept and love me.
I’ve been Sparking for almost twenty months. This lesson is the most important one I’ve learned to date. Accept who I am, learn to love myself as I am, and then and only then can I see any real change. Once I know I am happy with me as I am, right now, only then can I create a vision of my future.
Many years ago, a wise man told me “Where you are is where you are supposed to be, right now” I didn’t understand that message until yesterday in Sam’s Club.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
What if we believed……………..
We were perfect just the way God made us
We were loved unconditionally and without any expectation.
We were loved simply because we were created.
That we were wise
That we had the capability inside of us to be healthy and fit
That it didn’t really matter what we looked like
That running fast or jumping high or swinging weights didn’t make us any better, or any worse.
That it’s okay to fail every now and then
That it was perfectly fine that we learned a bit slower than the person next to us.
That the gifts, treasure and insights we possess made all the difference to those we live with and those we love.
What if we believed in us, you and in me, and what if we held that amazing belief we had in ourselves out like a beacon for others to see. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
My legs weren’t feeling any better, my attitude was in the toilet, I was able to do less and less and Joan gave me the option of either seeing another doctor or getting a good attorney!! Since my last visit to the doctor and the exhortation to rest, swim and apply cold packs to my thighs things hadn’t gotten any better. They hadn’t gotten any worse, but had stabilized to a dull ache and a lack of mobility. This, in turn, made John one very cranky person to be around. My whole lower body was stiff and sore.
My doctor is out of town so I went to an immediate care facility. I’d had good luck in the past with these folks and the PA on staff there is known to be thorough and easy to get along with. So I sat on an examination table, gave her my list of woes, she smiled and said “X-Rays” After bending my lower body into positions I don’t think it should be bent into she told me I had a slight bulge in the disc between my L2 and L3 vertebrae with a few tiny bone spurs thrown in to boot. All of my spinning and TRX training had aggravated the condition. Those vertebrae are responsible for providing feeling, etc. to the legs. I’m scratching my head because my back didn’t hurt.
She gave me a shot containing an anti-inflammatory and a prescription for muscle relaxers. She scheduled me for PT starting early next week and told me to walk as much as I can along with swimming. I popped a muscle relaxer before bed last night and woke up feeling relaxed LOL. Joan and I took a walk this morning and I walked about one half mile. That is the longest I’ve been able to walk in a month. The only area sore right now is the injection sight.
Her assessment is that my biking and spinning days are over because of the pressure it puts on my lower back. It felt good to be able to walk unencumbered this morning. As I write I feel pretty good. Just thought I’d share.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
It’s always the little things, isn’t it? I set a really good plan in place, make sure the “right” food is in the house, mark time off on my calendar to make sure I swim and do my stretches, and lo and behold, like a penny on a railroad track something so small and insignificant threatens to derail me? Does that happen to you? I pray, I meditate, I hold “good thoughts” in my head. I visualize myself as being healthy, active and well within my weight limits. (Often I see myself as rather “dashing” lol) I read all the right articles and blogs and study my goals. One tiny feather, one slight breeze blowing cross wind and whamo blamo my world is threatened.
I am learning that my life isn’t just what I put in my mouth or how many laps I swim; it is what I do when a huge ball of negativity rolls around the corner and threatens to squash all my best efforts. It’s staying within my calorie limits and grabbing the cup of water melon rather than the plate of cookies. I am learning not to turn to food for salvation and relief but rather to look inside, find the pebble in my emotional or spiritual shoe and work to remove it. Balance in my life is achieved when I look at everything, all the time on a daily basis and realize that my attitude is just as important as a food label. It means fear; anxiety and anger are issues to be worked out and dealt with gently and at face value.
I find that precious balance that is often fleeting when I repeat my mantra; “You are worth it, you deserve, it you are what you believe you are and you are who you hang around with.” Some days it swirls in my head continually and oh, those days are so magnificent. Other days its MIA, I couldn’t find it with a GPS if my life depended on it.
The precious balance in my life comes only when I look inward and out at those who love, support and nurture me, all at the same time..
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