Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sometimes giving up is easy. It’s even easier to judge someone who has given up. Not that you or I ever give up. That’s for quitters, losers and the like. Excuse me while I put my smug hat on for just a bit, K?
My daughter works with someone who has won our city gold championship for amateurs the last five years running. Last year he won the state amateur championship and made the final qualifying tournament for the US Open. He missed qualifying by two strokes. That’s not to shabby and considering he is the ripe old age of thirty three, he has lots of accomplishments left in his bag. I picked up the paper yesterday morning to read he had withdrawn for the tournament before Sunday’s final round began. I called my daughter at work to find out why. I wondered if he’d been injured or ill. As my daughter put it “He was so far behind dad and he said he just wasn’t feeling it yesterday so he decided to quit. He was ten strokes behind. He decided to go home and relax.”
“The nerve of that man,” is what I thought. “What kind of example is he setting? Just because he couldn’t win, he quit?”
LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL. Yeah, like I don’t ever give up!!! Like I don’t quit tracking my food when I have a run of bad decision days and go over (sometimes WAY OVER) my calorie limits. I mean what’s the use? I already blew it didn’t I?
How about when I don’t exercise? Maybe I had a schedule challenge and missed a few days but instead of getting right back to it, I use it as a reason to give up. Woe is me, life isn’t fair. I’ll never be like “fill in the blank.”
When I quit I blame everyone around me and am very careful not to take any responsibility for my actions. If the world would just bend a little to the left and move forward about ten feet then just maybe I could keep my commitments. And anyway, who knows but me, right? If I blow it I just don’t tell anyone and secretly judge all those other quitters. When I am judgmental I am simply wasting a precious amount of energy that’s been given to me to use for good and healthy activity.
When I encounter a failure in my life or an obstacle that seems over whelming to me I only have two choices. The first is to fall to the ground, curse my fate and give up. The second is to admit I blew it, look for the reason why I blew it and try to figure out how not to blow it again. It’s the old live and learn principle. It’s why diets don’t work. They don’t allow for the failure factor, the subliminally preach judgment. Those of us who are obese know its really easy to judge all our own failure at the drop of a hat.
Don’t find me redeemed, dear friends. I’ll contemplate giving up again. It’s part of human nature. As long as I continue to judge myself I’ll judge other people. I have to work on me and the principles I believe in
I am worth the effort and yes even the failures
I deserve to have success even though the price is often a painful one
I am who I hang around with
When I believe I am whole and healthy, I am whole and healthy.
That should keep me busy for the next twenty years or so.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I usually do my Sparking early in the morning. I have the house to myself, it’s quiet and I’m in no big hurry. Yesterday morning as I huddled with one of my teams I noticed a blog title over to the left side of the page. It was titled “Louise Hay: Forgive But Not Condone; Can It Work?” I read it. It was good. I was not convinced and as I told myself at the time, it gave me a lot to think about and really, seriously, do you think I wanted a lot to think about at 6 AM on a Sunday morning? I don’t think so!
It hit a tender spot, a spot I didn’t want to deal with. I’ve been very angry with the Catholic Church for a long, long time. I cannot in any way, shape or form condone the actions of an organization that lies and protects people who use their authority to molest children. Not only is it wrong, it’s criminal. Six months ago a young man in our parish committed suicide in front of the church because he had been abused by two priest most of his life. Neither priest was at our parish. The hierarchy promised an investigation into the matter. That was in February. To date there is no news. Joan and I decided that we would continue to attend church weekly but would not contribute to the Church. We just increased our contributions to other charities. I enjoy going to church. It gives me an oasis of peace. I can sit, pray and sing and lose myself. What I didn’t need to read was a blog on forgiveness, twenty minutes before I went to church!!!
I’ve come to realize that health, real health, is so much more than what goes into your mouth, or how quickly you can sprint or cycle. Real health is a balance, it is the fine art of learning to let go, to find reasons TO forgive and not hate. It hates the sin, not the sinner. It knows deep down inside of you that if John wants to GET healthy and STAY healthy, well John needs to deal with his issues. I’ve been really angry for a long time. That anger has slowly eaten away at my soul.
I got to Mass five minutes before it started. I slid into the back pew. Next to me was a young lady with a toddler. The little girl came over to me and smiled and waved and did what little kids do in church. Her mom looked wore out. She also looked like she was in need. Her clothes were worn and ripped in a few places and so were her daughters. If you have ever seen a look of despair on a person’s face, well this young lady had it on hers. When it came time to take up the collection I did what I always do, I stare straight ahead. I won’t lie. The blog I’d read sort of tugged at my heart and mind. If I really believed in the Gospel message, the message of love and forgiveness, then wasn’t I simply exercising some self-satisfying form of control by not contributing? I didn’t want to think about this.
The usher handed the basket to the young lady and at the same time her daughter ran to where I was sitting. As I looked up I saw her mom digging in her purse. She pulled out a dollar bill and about five coins. She put them in the basket and handed it to me. I just stared. As I handed the basket to the usher I started to shake a bit and then I covered my face so no one would see me cry. At that moment I saw all the things I was holding on to, the entire place in my heart and soul that was filled with unhealthy hatred, anger and judgment and not one of those things was doing anything to make me a better John. You see, I have all that anger because I know the things I direct it at I can’t control and rather than concentrating on the things I can control, well, I’d rather focus on the negative. Jesus told the story of the widow who gave her last dime to her church and he said this woman had so much more faith than someone who gave for what they had left over. She gave from her necessity. When that young woman dug into her purse and pulled out the dollar or so, I saw no hesitation, no doubt, just a tremendous amount of faith. She could have justified giving nothing, like me, but her actions spoke the knowledge that she would be taken care of and provided for. I spent the rest of Mass looking at the areas of my life I attempted to engineer and manipulate. I saw all the things I wasted energy on and where I needed to let go. Letting go of the things I cling to so tightly isn’t easy. Between me, you and the rest of the universe, it scared me half to death.
It’s really not negotiable, at least not for me. If I want to live a balanced life then I have to clean out my closets and fill them with positive things. I’ll never condone what has happened in the church but I can forgive and when I do, I’m making ah healthy statement about my life. No revelations today, no really happy endings, just the knowledge I have a lot of work to do.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
How much time do I spend focusing on using my talent to make this a better place to live?
Friday, July 08, 2011
We have a long narrow flower bed that wraps around one corner of our privacy fence. For whatever reason, every weed known to man has decided to root in it. Yesterday morning I decided it was time to clear the bed out, once and for all.
I pulled the old flowers out; a quick tug at their base neatly removed them. Then came the weeds. I have a lot of strength in my arms but after five minutes of tugging and almost falling face first into the dirt I went to the garage looking for some garden tools. They worked on about eighty percent of the weeds. There were still these long tendrils of grass snaking past the border stones and I swear were actively resisting me as I pulled, dug and mildly cursed them. This meant war.
I removed all the border stones and stacked them in a wheel barrow. I went in the house and put on my work boots, the ones with the steel toes. It’s eighty degrees outside, I’m sweating my face, arms and legs are streaked with dirt and Joan is giving me one of those “Oh Lord, what are you doing now” looks. I grabbed a spade from the garage and dug down deep in the flower bed. I suspect I had somewhat of a maniacal grin on my face believing I had out witted those snickering weeds once and for all. I chopped the dirt up and sifted through it yanking out the remaining weeds. I found the rake and smoothed the soil. Everything was neat and symmetrical. I was as proud as proud could be. I asked Joan to come see. She stood there for a minute or so and said “Okay, what are you planning on putting in there?”
“Well that’s not the point. All the weeds are gone.”
“I know John but so is everything else. What are we going to put in there?”
Okay so maybe she was right. But, as I told her much later in the day, I had time to reflect on how my life is like that flower bed. So very often I let those marvelous flowers that are my talents and treasures become over run and crowded out by my own fears and doubts about my abilities. After a while all I see are the weeds and slowly my talents, the REAL John, get starved out. My doubts rob all the oxygen and sunlight and I lose sight of my goals!!! In other words I’m a mess.
Spark people and you my dear wonderful friends are those garden tools that ferret out the weeds and provide me the fertile soil to grow and make the life style changes that are necessary for the real John to flourish and reach his goals and dreams. Once cleared away, all those bad habits allow the sunlight of success to shine on my life.
Down deep are the things I’d never seen, noticed or believed before. They were hidden by everything else. Those weeds, those tough tendrils of grass, hang on tight and fight my forward progress. They require a lot of perseverance and stamina and I have to dig deep. It’s often painful when you realize you are the real root of all your issues. When all is said and done there is new fertile soil for John to grow It’s mucho hard work!!!
I grinned proudly!
“That’s nice John, but you still haven’t told me what we are planting.”
And so go’s the philosophy of my flower bed.
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