Wednesday, June 08, 2011
In the center of town stands a massive sassafras tree. I pass it each morning on my walk. Itís been there forever but I never really noticed until the other day. Beside it is one of those historical markers. Iíd stopped to tie my shoe and I saw a sign that told me this tree was ďfirst mentionedĒ in town documents in 1861. According to the plaque it had been around for a good while back then. I kept walking and I thought just how long that tree had been there. It had witnessed The Civil War, both World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, bot wars in IraqÖÖÖ Iíve missed a few Iím sure along with so many other events we mark time by. People were born, people died and that tree stood there, strong and regal. It provided shade for generations of people. It was there before I was born and it will be there long after I am gone.
In her book Quantum Wellness, Kathy Freston talks aboutĒ setting intentionsĒ. An intention is different than a goal because itís an activity you commit to day after day. It has meaning to you in your journey. For example one of her intentions is that she is silent as she eats her breakfast. It allows her to focus on her day and gather some much needed spiritual energy. Itís a behavior or intention she practices each day. I have been looking for such an intention in my life
As I walked past the tree it dawned on me that I am simply a visitor on this planet. I do not own it or anything on it and truth be told; by some of my actions, I do not honor it as a visitor should. If I came to your house to visit I would respect you, your wishes and your customs. I would be very careful not to disturb anything. You would do the same for me. Yet here I sit on a planet where I am a guest and I treat it as if it should bow to my whims and fancies. Long after I am dust, that tree and many others will continue to provide shade and life for millions of people. As is stands strong through turmoil I am simply passing through.
My intention is to walk by that tree every morning and remember that everything great and small, important or seemingly insignificant deserves respect. That respect begins with me. It begins with looking into the mirror and shows a healthy respect for myself and my life. It begins when I value every part of me as much as I possibly can and realize that while I am only a guest on this planet, I have an important responsibility. It begins when I look into your eyes and see the amazingly wonderful value inside of you.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
I often reassure people by telling them ďNo problem is a small problem if it is your problem.Ē I believe it when I say it. Sometimes itís very easy for me to sit back and look at another personís issues or concerns and hear that tiny voice inside of me whine, ďWhatís their problem? They donít really have a problem!!! They need to quit complaining.Ē Itís an awfully selfish perspective. I grew up with my mother and a cadre of old nuns dressed in black wagging a finger under my nose and reminding me that there was starving children all over the world whoíd love to be where I was. Iím quite sure there were and still am. I was remonstrated to accept my suffering, whatever it was in a noble manner and move forward. It usually ended with the promise of ďa place for me in heavenÖ..Ē Actually it only served to make me bitter at times. Any issue that occurred in my life was minimized by starving third world people.
I had become, as many have, a product of the times. I cared about me and my concerns because the good Lord knows no one else will. If you have a problem, well thatís your problem. I slowly began to change when I saw the brave behavior of many, many people who were succeeding in their lives despite their problems and issues. They not only acknowledged their issues but they embraced them, owned them and wore them as a badge of honor and dignity. I started to notice that those people who seemed to have so little to give in a material sense were always first in line to give freely and without reservation. In spite of their own issues and problems they acknowledged that mine were EQUALLY important to me. I thought they were angels or maybe even saints. They honored my pain and suffering.
I write that lengthy tome as a preface of sorts to the tiny but powerful revelation I had yesterday. My blog on Job began with my own personal tale of woe. As I reflected on it a bit I started to see that my sufferings and trials were not making me angry and bitter but rather opening my mind to a feeling of love and compassion for those around me. It is really easy to snap at people, take a break from your goals, be unavailable because ďyou are going through a lot.Ē Everyone understands and itís a great opportunity for me to lick my wounds. It is much more difficult for me to accept Iím not Super-John, life does hit me in the gut occasionally and it should not stop me from reaching out to those around me.
Maybe that was the point of this rather painful lesson Iím going through. Maybe it is there to remind me that I am frail and I am strong and loving, all at the same time. Maybe it happened to show me what life is really all about. Itís about joining hands with the person next to you and sometimes dragging them along because they havenít the strength to walk on their own and by the way, you are limping themselves.
Health is not only the number on a scale, the circumference of your waist, whether you binge or not. Itís not only the knowledge in your head, often itís the growth of your heart and your soul.
Monday, June 06, 2011
One of my closest friends may be brain dead. My eighty seven year old father finds out today or tomorrow if he has bone cancer. My eighty year old mother may have a bowel obstruction. I am so stressed out that my legs and lower back scream with pain the minute I move wrong. The reconstruction of my lower level moves at a snailís pace. I do not feel inspired to blog or write at all Ė This has always been my saving grace. A client ďlostĒ an eight thousand dollar invoice and will ďtryĒ to pay me today or tomorrow. They were genuinely sorry.
Should I go on?
ďThere was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evilÖÖÖ..Ē Regardless of your spiritual belief, the book of Job is a good read. Itís the story of a wager between God and the devil. God tells the devil to throw everything he has at Job and God is banking on the fact that Job wonít give up and lose faith. The devil takes his best shot and God stands by watching. In the end, Job hangs on and everything he lost, plus more is restored to him. Thatís not to say that Job sat there with a grin on his face. He suffered, he was in pain. At one point his body was covered with boils and his family was killed in a variety of disasters. He ended up sitting on a large pile of dung with his head hung low. His friends walked by and laughed. Many told him to ďcurse God and die.Ē He didnít. He persevered. He believed in something and he believed his faith and his ability would cause him to win in the end, even when the whole world seemed to be tilted away from him.
Simply put this is a really good story about persevering. Job had a set of beliefs, goals, things he wanted to do and no matter what happened to him he kept sight of those things and no matter how much people jeered and laughed he kept moving forward. In the end he was rewarded for his faith. Iím no Job. My faith isnít that strong, but I am persevering. I am stumbling and falling and cursing my rotten luck in life and wondering why I am surrounded by so much mayhem, but Iím not losing sight of my goals. For every one of you here who supports me, there are people I know who tell me I should just give up. They tell me that some people were justĒ born fatĒ and itís a losing battle. They tell me fifty seven is too old to start running or spinning or working really hard on a twenty year plan.
You know what? Some days I am tempted to listen to them. Some days I have to fight the urge to pick from one of the disasters in my life and just give in. Some days it would be really easy to ďcurse God and die,Ē so to speak. Some days I am so stressed out that I use food as an excuse to feel better. I go way beyond my calorie limits and tell myself its okay. I wake up in the middle of the night, often I cry a bit and feel like a total and complete failure. My self-worth gets tied up in my appearance. I feel alone, like I donít have a single friend. My well of inspiration has dried up. My own personal pile of dung!!!!
Iím not writing to get consolation, support or love. (Itís welcome but itís not the reason Iím writing.) Each morning, after another night of not sleeping well I gingerly get out of bed and I walk, run or cycle. I ache, but each day I tell myself today is the day everything will turn around. I have a healthy, balanced breakfast and I tell myself today is the day Iíll stay in my calorie limits!!! I do not give up. I persevere. I believe in John. I believe what John is doing is going to help him follow through on his twenty year plan.
Iíll get there despite my short comings and failures. In the end Iíll be smiling and it will all have been worth it. Iím learning never to compare myself and my experiences to other peoples. I am learning that through my pain and disappointment the precious practice of love and compassion for other people, no matter who they are or what they do. I am learning to persevere.
ďDonít give up, donít ever give up.Ē Jim Valvano
Sunday, June 05, 2011
At the end of March I decided to set an activity goal of taking ten thousand steps a day. Since Iíve been using my BodyBugg itís tracked automatically and I simply upload the information in my computer each evening. Itís ninety percent accurate. April was a really great month! I averaged 11,202 steps each day. I was feeling really good. Nothing could stop me, could it? I sat down to total up and average out the month of May. As I looked at my figures I saw some pretty big numbers. YeahÖÖÖÖ there were some small ones but mostly nice five digit numbers. I felt confident, until I averaged the totalsÖÖÖÖ 9,688. I ran the figures again, then had Joan run them and they still came out the sameÖÖ. 9,688. I had failed to reach a goal. My world started to crumble and I swear I could feel my waistline slowly but surely expanding on me!!! I was 312 steps a day short of my goal. I sat at my computer with sweat forming around my brow. I was calculating how many steps Iíd have to make up in June to compensate and suddenly I sat back in my chair and asked myself why in the name of all that was sane and sacred was I freaking out? Plain and simple, after further review, I had fallen short of reaching a goal. It wasnít from lack of effort or desire. There were some days, out of business necessity that I spent four hours or more in my car traveling. There was at least a week I spent on my hands and knees pulling up carpet, padding and vinyl from our ground water attack early in the month. I made an effort every single day to get those 10,000 steps into my activity.
Reality, well reality is reality. Itís like a feather on a windy day, it blows as and where it chooses and sometimes we are simply along for the ride. Do I wish May had turned out different? Yes, indeed I do. Is there much I can do in June? Not really. Every morning when I wake up my intention is to walk my 10,000 steps. I havenít given up or set it aside because there is a degree of difficulty to achieving it. Thatís how I know itís a good goal. Itís going to be hard.
Iím not fooling anyone, including me when I put goals out there that are simple and easy to reach. It may give me some sort of false sense of pride but really, I know what Iím doing and when I try to fool myself. In the long run it never works.
So my May wasnít what I expected it to be. I could give you a million reasons why and youíd probably agree with most of them but suffice to say I have found a goal thatís going to be tough to attain and then maintain.
Thatís how I know itís a good one.
Saturday, June 04, 2011
As of late yesterday my friend Ron was still in a coma and his wife told me he was not responding or communicating. The doctors are not sure how long his brain was deprived of oxygen. They are running EEG's every few hours to monitor his brain function. If I understood his wife correctly the maximum brain function level is scored at a 15, Ron's is at a 9. They are hoping this improves.
Because they are still trying to stabilize him they have not even dealt with the damage to his heart as of yet.
Thanks so much for your love and your thoughts and prayers. I shared with his wife Jackie, that there were many people praying for him. I'll keep you posted
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