Wednesday, February 09, 2011
When I joined Spark a little over a year ago I made a promise to myself that no matter how painful it was or how alone it made me feel I would never hide my feelings, my fears or my own self-doubts. If you read my blogs itís often like riding Space Mountain ---- you can get awfully dizzy and have a hard time following where I am going. Sometimes I do too!! One thing I will not do is stuff my feelings or perceptions because in reality itís impossible to do so. When I decide to deny a feeling, a thought or a perception and push it way down deep inside because after all, no one has ever felt the way I do or did annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd if you discovered how I felt about myself some days you just might not like me. I am not getting rid of the feeling I am stuffing it and it will find a way to surface. It may be through a bad mood or possibly disagreeing with absolutely everything you say simply because I can. It may be through emotional eating or being jealous of someone elseís success. We all got our own demons.
Hereís the question though: Do I run the demons or do the demons run me? On a good day itís about seventy-thirty in favor of John. On my worst day they win, hands down. Iím fat, ugly old and bald, no one loves me no one ever has and no one ever will. Heap on the self-pityÖÖÖÖ.. There is enough to go around.
So I am learning to let it out. If I donít like me today Iíll tell ya. I make no excuses or apologies. I am accepting a tremendous responsibility when I activate this process. Because when I let it out I have to deal with it. I have to accept responsibility for how I feel and do something about it if it warrants doing. Otherwise I am simply yelping and moaning and that does no one any good.
When I stuff my feelings I am being terribly vain and selfish. I presume that you do not have the capability to understand or accept me and in a perverse sort of my I turn my self-inferiority into a superiority of sorts that sets me above the rest of you. I refuse to do that. I refuse to be any more than your equal brother, linked arm and arm with you, metaphorically or otherwise, walking through this amazing process we call our lives.
When I stuff my feelings I become a coward. I run and hide behind my own need for approval and make sure I say all the right stuff so you will love me, like me and accept me. The irony here is that you probably feel the same way. So here we sit, huddled in our own self destructive corners wondering why no one cares.
Have you asked to be loved? Iím not talking about flowers, chocolate and a few moments of passion. Iím not talking about stick people on the fridge. Those are expressions of love. I am talking about that tremendous feeling of release you get when you allow yourself to become vulnerable to another and let them see you warts and all. I am talking about being accepted by the same warriors and heroes who fight the same battles and have your scars. When I donít stuff how I feel I am activating the courage gene deep inside of me and yeah it means Iíll most likely face some criticism and mucho pain and suffering but the release, ah the release that comes with knowing I am true and authentic and real. Then I cry but they are the same kind of tears I cried when I ran the last half mile of my first 5K. They were tears of triumph. They were tears of joy and relief to know I had endured and been real.
No matter how itís packaged, stuffing is not good for ya.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
I was looking for some meditations last night. I would like to start meditating before I excercise because I have noticed I am not as realxed as I should be prior to excercise and I end up with all sorts of little aches and pains.
I ran accross this meditation at a web site called www.learningmeditation.com. They have all sorts of ways to relax and they provide text for you too. This one caught my eye so I thought I'd share.
Be blessed today.
"Walking alone has always provided me with the time to mindfully quiet my thinking. Early morning is my favorite time to walk. I mean really early. The traffic sounds are at a minimum, the waking birds are at their most vocal.
I begin by just being aware of the environment. I notice the color of the sky, the mood the trees set, the way the air touches my skin and certainly, the sounds.
I always take deep breaths as I start out. Big, steady strides- not necessarily fast, but steady. Then, when I feel like Iím in sync, I begin to consciously turn my mind off.
I concentrate on my breathing. I inhale for two or three steps then I exhale for the next. If thoughts come to mind I discourage them leading to solo conversation. I just ignore myself.
Before I know it I am engrossed in doing nothing but moving and I am as relaxed as if I were in my sitting meditation position. The pace matches the rhythm of my breathing. My pulse is slow and steady.
I thoroughly enjoy nothingness. Often my spirit will divulge important messages to me as if by osmosis; they just occur to me completely. Not as a thought; I am not thinking, but as a fact, a feeling, a sense. a sensation.
From these messages I may decide upon a few words to use repetitively. Invariably this phrase touches exactly upon what my spirit and soul know I need to address. I continue on until I know it is time to return.
Walking meditation has long been practiced by people who are both physically and spiritually enlightened. The two practices go together naturally. Each provides the time and space to connect with your soul. Silent or with music, anything goes.
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