Saturday, January 22, 2011
I was lying in bed around four this morning and the thought struck me that I really wonder how many times I get off course because I confuse who I am with what I do? I think it happens a lot. I rolled over on my back and started to ďdefineĒ me and I realized after a few minutes the picture I painted had a lot to do with things ďI did.Ē For example, how often do I say, ďIím a writer,Ē Iím a coach,Ē or ďIím a runner.Ē All of these things define me through things I do and ultimately lead me to comparing my activity to other peopleís activities and accomplishments. Inevitably I will always find someone who is better, quicker or brighter and the negative destruction begins. I donít know if it ever happens to you. It sort of crept up on me, gradually, through my life. My value, my sense of worth, all built on a stack of activity and accomplishments. I look around at other people and use them as a yard stick or ruler.
So where is my ďdefault setting.Ē Who am I versus what I do? It took me a few minutes to come up with it, distill it down into words that were ďinactive.Ē (Thatís a difficult thing to do when you are programmed towards using ďaction wordsĒ all the time.)
I am a child of God. I was created in His image and likeness. I am a reflection of God. I was created, good and pure and holy in the truest sense of the word. God loves me unlike anyone else in this universe, galaxy or world can love me and for Him, my existence is good enough. When I embrace that definition, which isnít really all that often to be quite frank, the energy I produce radiates and mirrors that love and reflects it to other people. When I accept other people, donít judge, donít compare and simply allow myself to love and be loved. Thatís my default setting.
You may refer to God in other terms, formats or conditions; I donít think it bothers him/her. I think the main concern is that we find our way back to who we really are. All the other stuff may be fun, enjoyable and teach us some sort of life lesson, but I think if I set my sights on just being me, Iíll have enough to do. It almost sounds like itís not enough doesnít it? Itís almost like that voice inside of you says ďThatís it?Ē Itís hard to accept help and love from other people. I felt really weird the other day after I wrote what I call my ďmeltdown blogĒ and I received this outpouring of support, affection and love. Part of me said ďStay away, Iím not used to this happening.Ē Another part said ďThese people must think Iím really messed up.Ē
The Miracle inside of me rises to the surface occasionally and I get a glimpse of who I really am in the eyes of my Creator. There are times we are called to take and times we are called to give and times we are called to be and bask in Divine love however we define it. I laughed a bit as I rolled over. How do you put into words that you have a goal of running a 10K in ten weeks and allowing God to show you who you really are.
I drifted off to sleep until the dogs came in at five, whimpering to go out and eat. Joan rolled over and reminded me it was my turn. I didnít think it would do any good to let her know Iíd just discovered I canít be defined by my activity. She usually has a good comeback.
Friday, January 21, 2011
One of the reasons I decided to help people as a career is that I wanted them to see and believe you didnít need to be perfect to be successful. I am living proof of that, LOL. I wanted people to see that you could still have some bumps and bruises and still be happy and healthy. Recently, Iíve hit a few bumps myself, really big ones. The kind that jar your teeth. You have been there and done that and you know it is not a pleasant feeling. If you didnít read my blog two days ago, go back and read it. It pretty much summarizes how I felt and in many ways still feel. I just didnít know why, until this morning. Somewhere, somehow this light goes on in my head and while the gloomy clouds werenít whisked away at least I understand the ďwhy.Ē
First, the back story. (I always have a back story.) A good life coach has a coach of their own. Iím fortunate enough to work with someone who specializes in coaching coaches. We talk once a week for about an hour, mostly about how I am doing in making progress towards the goals I am working on. Itís a productivity session not a therapy session.
Back in December, my coach asked me what big change Iíd like to see in 2011. Thanks to some of you, who pointed a few things out to me along the way, I realized I have control issues. In other words in order to feel safe and secure I have to have a lot of control over my environment. Itís really silly if you think about it. Not much changes in reality, just inside of me when I try and control things. I have always had a fear of not having enough money. Itís one of those stay awake at night sort of things. My response to that misperception was to keep a tight fist on our expenses so I knew where every penny was. The problem is that my mind isnít a financial mind; it just likes to control things, LOL. Joan is much better at managing money.
I decided in early December that as of January 1 Joan would take over our finances. She was more than glad to do so. Initially I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off of me. Soon, I started feeling; well I started feeling ďweird.Ē I was nit picking about the way the house was kept, the way the dishes were stacked, what we were eating, when we were eating itÖÖ Now none of this dawned on me until this morning. I went to the grocery and had no cash. In the old days, that being last month, I always kept cash. Itís not that I canít have any, itís just that I got out of the habit of keeping money in my wallet. So I am grumbling and groaning as I drive to Kroger and it hits me. Whatís really upsetting me is the fact Iím no longer in control and the ďother John,Ē AKA my ego is revolting. I took away a precious part of the control freak that lives inside of me. He doesnít care for that at all and like a little kid throwing stones at you, he is acting out. He is throwing everything at me heís got and that means all my weaknesses magnified by ten.
If you want me to feel really insecure just attack the way I look or the fact that I am not perfect and never will be or make me feel alone. Can you say ďbasket case?Ē Part of me is rebelling against my desire to be healthy. The caterpillar doesnít want to be a butterfly; it wants to crawl on the ground. There is a huge battle inside of me.
That revelation brought about a modicum of peace. I cocked an eye skyward and one of the tings I really love about God is that He is God. There is never a lecture. He listens to me and then lets me know He is happy for me and we go on.
I react better and can plan better when I know what is going on. When I know the ďwhyĒ I can usually figure out how to deal with it. I know I have to quit dealing with it alone. Thatís another part of my journey. I have a tendency to want to do it all by myself.
The big change I see in me is that I want to tackle these issues. Being torn apart emotionally isnít a lot of fun, nor do I look forward to it. I only look forward to the end result. If you build your house on a foundation of stone, it can withstand just about anything.
Iím healthier today than I was yesterday and Iíll be healthier tomorrow then I am today. Right now, thatís enough for me.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
There are days when I feel like I am in a room that is very small and no matter in which direction I turn, my nose hits a wall. I am beyond being frustrated. I am beyond being angry. I donít care and it scares me. I have been here before. I have been within twenty pounds of an initial goal weight almost to the pound and everything stops. Then slowly and almost like some brand of torture the pounds slowly slip back on. Itís like there is this little voice inside of me that keeps saying ĎNader, nader, nader, you aint gonna make it.Ē I donít.
Since December 19, when I reset my weight ticker and decided upon a fresh approach I have gained ten pounds. Blame the holidays, injuries, and illness, whatever you choose it is starting all over again. I am so dam$ed angry. Iím not mad at the world Iím mad at me.
I feel like a fake, a phony and a fraud. I feel like the faster I run, the slower I go. I am not a motivator, a community team member or much of a Sparker anymore. I feel so alone. I took a few days off from blogging, tried to reestablish some perspective. I do believe that you are who you hang around with so I have concentrated on the blogs of those people who have really accomplished their goals trying to glean some spark to motivate me. Nothing, nada, zip.
I am scared. I am scared because I feel like I am holding sand in my hands and it slips through. I have completely lost my frame of reference, my focus and quite honestly what I am all about. Iím not blue or depressed, I am apathetic. I am scared because the apathy wonít leave.
I feel so alone and fragmented. I feel like I am on an island all by myself. Iíd like to cheer myself up, use my own words of wisdom on me but it just isnít working. Iíd like to find out whatís wrong and remove it. As honest as I can be with myself and with anyone else: I really wish I had a close friend, someone to talk to, to run with to complain and moan with, to maybe laugh and maybe cry some days. Joan and I are as close as close can be but we canít always be objective with each other.
Iíd like to end this on a really upbeat note but the closest I can get to that is to tell you I started Hal Higdonís 10K Training Program on Monday. It is a ten week progression that takes me exactly up to the date of my 10K. Running seems to be the only thing I can get a bit excited about.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it
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