Friday, January 21, 2011
One of the reasons I decided to help people as a career is that I wanted them to see and believe you didnít need to be perfect to be successful. I am living proof of that, LOL. I wanted people to see that you could still have some bumps and bruises and still be happy and healthy. Recently, Iíve hit a few bumps myself, really big ones. The kind that jar your teeth. You have been there and done that and you know it is not a pleasant feeling. If you didnít read my blog two days ago, go back and read it. It pretty much summarizes how I felt and in many ways still feel. I just didnít know why, until this morning. Somewhere, somehow this light goes on in my head and while the gloomy clouds werenít whisked away at least I understand the ďwhy.Ē
First, the back story. (I always have a back story.) A good life coach has a coach of their own. Iím fortunate enough to work with someone who specializes in coaching coaches. We talk once a week for about an hour, mostly about how I am doing in making progress towards the goals I am working on. Itís a productivity session not a therapy session.
Back in December, my coach asked me what big change Iíd like to see in 2011. Thanks to some of you, who pointed a few things out to me along the way, I realized I have control issues. In other words in order to feel safe and secure I have to have a lot of control over my environment. Itís really silly if you think about it. Not much changes in reality, just inside of me when I try and control things. I have always had a fear of not having enough money. Itís one of those stay awake at night sort of things. My response to that misperception was to keep a tight fist on our expenses so I knew where every penny was. The problem is that my mind isnít a financial mind; it just likes to control things, LOL. Joan is much better at managing money.
I decided in early December that as of January 1 Joan would take over our finances. She was more than glad to do so. Initially I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off of me. Soon, I started feeling; well I started feeling ďweird.Ē I was nit picking about the way the house was kept, the way the dishes were stacked, what we were eating, when we were eating itÖÖ Now none of this dawned on me until this morning. I went to the grocery and had no cash. In the old days, that being last month, I always kept cash. Itís not that I canít have any, itís just that I got out of the habit of keeping money in my wallet. So I am grumbling and groaning as I drive to Kroger and it hits me. Whatís really upsetting me is the fact Iím no longer in control and the ďother John,Ē AKA my ego is revolting. I took away a precious part of the control freak that lives inside of me. He doesnít care for that at all and like a little kid throwing stones at you, he is acting out. He is throwing everything at me heís got and that means all my weaknesses magnified by ten.
If you want me to feel really insecure just attack the way I look or the fact that I am not perfect and never will be or make me feel alone. Can you say ďbasket case?Ē Part of me is rebelling against my desire to be healthy. The caterpillar doesnít want to be a butterfly; it wants to crawl on the ground. There is a huge battle inside of me.
That revelation brought about a modicum of peace. I cocked an eye skyward and one of the tings I really love about God is that He is God. There is never a lecture. He listens to me and then lets me know He is happy for me and we go on.
I react better and can plan better when I know what is going on. When I know the ďwhyĒ I can usually figure out how to deal with it. I know I have to quit dealing with it alone. Thatís another part of my journey. I have a tendency to want to do it all by myself.
The big change I see in me is that I want to tackle these issues. Being torn apart emotionally isnít a lot of fun, nor do I look forward to it. I only look forward to the end result. If you build your house on a foundation of stone, it can withstand just about anything.
Iím healthier today than I was yesterday and Iíll be healthier tomorrow then I am today. Right now, thatís enough for me.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
There are days when I feel like I am in a room that is very small and no matter in which direction I turn, my nose hits a wall. I am beyond being frustrated. I am beyond being angry. I donít care and it scares me. I have been here before. I have been within twenty pounds of an initial goal weight almost to the pound and everything stops. Then slowly and almost like some brand of torture the pounds slowly slip back on. Itís like there is this little voice inside of me that keeps saying ĎNader, nader, nader, you aint gonna make it.Ē I donít.
Since December 19, when I reset my weight ticker and decided upon a fresh approach I have gained ten pounds. Blame the holidays, injuries, and illness, whatever you choose it is starting all over again. I am so dam$ed angry. Iím not mad at the world Iím mad at me.
I feel like a fake, a phony and a fraud. I feel like the faster I run, the slower I go. I am not a motivator, a community team member or much of a Sparker anymore. I feel so alone. I took a few days off from blogging, tried to reestablish some perspective. I do believe that you are who you hang around with so I have concentrated on the blogs of those people who have really accomplished their goals trying to glean some spark to motivate me. Nothing, nada, zip.
I am scared. I am scared because I feel like I am holding sand in my hands and it slips through. I have completely lost my frame of reference, my focus and quite honestly what I am all about. Iím not blue or depressed, I am apathetic. I am scared because the apathy wonít leave.
I feel so alone and fragmented. I feel like I am on an island all by myself. Iíd like to cheer myself up, use my own words of wisdom on me but it just isnít working. Iíd like to find out whatís wrong and remove it. As honest as I can be with myself and with anyone else: I really wish I had a close friend, someone to talk to, to run with to complain and moan with, to maybe laugh and maybe cry some days. Joan and I are as close as close can be but we canít always be objective with each other.
Iíd like to end this on a really upbeat note but the closest I can get to that is to tell you I started Hal Higdonís 10K Training Program on Monday. It is a ten week progression that takes me exactly up to the date of my 10K. Running seems to be the only thing I can get a bit excited about.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
In the past two weeks about a mile in to each of my runs the arches in my feet begin to feel like someone is hitting them with a ballpeen hammer. Once I stop running and take off my running shoes the pain subsides, but while I am running it's bad enough to cause me to stop and walk.
My running shoes are approximatley nine months old and I average anywhere between ten and twelve miles a week. I dont know if its time for new shoes or if I have another issue.
Get An Email Alert Each Time JOHNTJ1 Posts