Sunday, February 07, 2010
I look forward to Sunday mornings. I look forward to going to church. It's not that I am some great and holy person. To be honest there are weeks I do not go. I look forward to going to church because it means in many ways I have that one solitary hour of isolation. Truth be known, most weeks I zone out sometime during Mass. No one can call me on my phone, no one needs anything. It's just me and my higher power. I believe we have an "inner voice." I believe that if we rely on that inner voice it will help guide us. Some people call that voice angels, some believe it's God himself or a long since passed friend or relative. I have learned to trust that inner voice.
I write this long and windy preface so that you get a feeling for what happened to me this morning. Sitting in silence and being very grateful for everything God has done for me my inner voice asked me a question. "Why do you do everything you do?" (Sometimes I am not fond of my inner voice!!) "Are you kind, do you share, are you loving, so people will notice you or say what a great guy you are or do you love simply for loves sake, because it's the right thing to do?"
Truth be known I did not want to hear this. See I was feeling really, really good about myself. But........ I started to think that the small voice had a really valid point. I wonder how often in my life I have said "I'll do this or that and then I'll get this or that." Sort of like keeping score. It humbled me in a very good way. I was starting to get "the big head." At the same time I felt this wonderful sesne of freedom.
I forgot that a few months ago I was miserable, and despondent. I kept gaining weight, and nothing I tried worked. I prayed really hard and to be honest with you there were days I'd cry. (Yeah guys cry.) But something inside of kept saying "You'll get it dont worry." I do not believe in guilt or punishment or any of that stuff. I believe in forgiveness and letting the past slip away.
This morning was a cold bucket of water that I needed. I AM becoming healthy and my hope is that as I make this journey, in a very sincere and loving way, I can reach out to other people who are struggling and simply love because I was created in love and I am love.
Guess I have a new goal and most likely it will take a life time to achieve. I still belive I am a good and wonderful person, otherwise I would not have been created, but I see my purpose clearer.