Monday, November 29, 2010
This blog is not going to be fun or inspirational. It may even be a bit dark and a tad bit depressing. So if youíre looking for light and fluffy today this is not the place to be. If you are interested in reading about how I plan to get back on track, read on.
I realized yesterday how far off the path Iíd gotten. Iíd convinced myself that I could cheat a little bit here, a little more there and things would be just fine because after all I run three days a week, let my personal trainer push me to the brink of death two other days and Iím adding spinning and yoga to freshen things up. I forgotÖÖÖÖ Iím a Spark rock star. So I can put whatever I want in my mouth, smile big for the camera John and the weight will melt off. Yeah right. I have made no progress for close to three months. Iíve been treading water. Sixty four pounds and it stopped. It bothered me till Iíd get one of those sweet little Spark Goodies from someone who found my page and found me inspirational. Did I mention Iím a Spark rock star?
My pastor cut me to the quick yesterday morning. He made me realize just how far away from who and what I want to be Iíd gotten. It was much needed and Iím grateful but itís sort of like having a tooth pulled. You know it needs to come out but it still hurts to no end when it does.
I woke up at two thirty this morning and proceeded to have a full blown panic attack. I have been dealing with these for over twenty years and intellectually I know no real harm will come from them. Itís like riding out a really bad storm. You know it will end and youíll be exhausted. I also know that the fears that trigger and precipitate them arenít realistic and I can honestly tell you none of them have ever come to pass. They are just like throwing one more piece of wood on a roaring fire. The flames get larger. Last nightís theme was failure and stupidity and thatís the short version. I finally fell back to sleep only because once the storm is over you are exhausted and canít help but sleep. I never wake up feeling rested after having one of these episodes. I feel drugged and like I am walking through Jell-O. I feel disjointed and out of touch and quite honestly I am going through the motions today. In short, starting over, getting back to basics really sucks.
No one can do this but me. You can pray for me all you like, Iíll appreciate it and thank you. You can write to me and inspire me, and Iíll be grateful to you. But when all is said and done only I can do this. Itís just me and me and while I have faith in myself and know that eventually it will all work out I also am aware that going back to what worked and letting go of those bad habits that crept back in is difficult and not always welcome.
So here is my short list of new goals to help get me back on track.
1. I noticed that my daily cardio time has remained the same for a year, roughly forty minutes per day. That allows me to wimp out at times so I have raised it to fifty minutes. I can handle that and it will give me a bit of a jump start.
2. Things work much better for me when my caloric intake resembles a decrescendo. My largest meal is breakfast, then a smaller lunch and finally a light supper. Along with this I am wrestling the carb monster. If I have a secret affair itís with bread of all types. Suffice to say Iíll be in a foul mood for a few days as I rid my body of those sticky and icky carbs. I need to return to water and tea instead of diet coke.
3. No food after six in the evening or three hours before retiring, whichever comes first. This will help me sleep better.
4. Meditation is medication for the mind and soul. I convinced myself I was too busy to take that ten to twenty minutes per day to revitalize and rejuvenate and keep my center of balance in focus. Today we begin again, slowly, but refocusing on the John who walks in the light surrounded by a positive energy vortex.
I am not giving up. Iíve learned to much about me in the past eleven months to quit now. I wish I hadnít gotten so far off track, but I did and now itís time to keep flying the plane through the storm once again. Thank you for caring about me and for loving me and simply for being there. Iíll return the favor.