Friday, November 12, 2010
I don’t know about you but frustration, anger, envy ---- all those emotions we subscribe to “other people” have always been a thorn in my side when it comes to emotional eating. We don’t like to talk about our sordid journeys to the refrigerator or Coldstone when our world comes unraveled or when we don’t live up to one another’s expectations. I have read all the strategies and yet there are days I find myself perched on the precipice of pecan pie hell, just waiting for an opportunity to dive in.
It may sound awfully arrogant of me to say that my own blog inspired me yesterday. The good Lord knows there are enough other inspirations here but the whole notion of how hard I try to be something I am not most days struck me as a major road block.
“Here’s a thought, John. Why don’t you concentrate on the talents you have and develop them!!!”
What a novel idea!! At best I find myself mimicking other people and then head for a plate of chocolate chip cookies when I don’t achieve the lofty heights they do. Naturally I blame it on my own lack of self-worth and value. I mean if YOU can do it why can’t I? Get my drift here?
I never stop to think there are lots of things I do well and that if I took the time to first of all locate them beneath all this self-loathing and bitterness because I don’t weight 150 pounds and have a full head of hair I might begin to assert my own value and worth to not only myself but to the world.
When I choose to concentrate on my talents and on the things I do well, my self-esteem goes through the roof. The moment I try to be YOU, and I fail, it crashes into the basement. I head for my drug of choice which is food. It comforts me until I look at my belly and the cycle begins again.
Most of us have been taught to be somewhat self-deprecating and develop this “I’m not that good!!!” mentality. The word we use is humility. If you look at the root of that word, humility, it means “to be truthful.” Following the self-oppressing logic that we apply only to ourselves we are saying the truth is that we are not worth it.
The truth is you and I have all kinds of talents and they are not found on the Spark Page of IAMSKINNYAND URNOT. They are found within your heart, your mind and your soul. They were given to you at your creation and they are yours and yours alone.
So please put down the donut, stop feeling sorry for yourself, walk out the front door and inspire yourself today. When all is said and done the best person in the world for you to hang around with in this ever loving world is you.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
We had to stand in line at Target for a while last night. Someone was waiting for a price check. It gave me an opportunity to look at the magazine rack to my immediate left. Slick and glossy covers stared back at me offering me advice on every aspect of my life. By the way, did you know your breasts were crying out for attention? I didn’t.
Two things caught my eye. The first was how sleek and svelte everyone, male and female looked. I am not sure I could look like that if I devoted all day and all night to getting there. The second thing I noticed was how many times the word “FAT” was used. It was used just as I printed it, in upper case letters screaming derision and shame. I even sucked my gut in a bit so no one would notice.
I am not FAT
We have made lots of progress in our society as it relates to how we treat and view each other. We have created a process were the use derogatory terms for gender, age, national origin, religion and sexual preference have become unacceptable and rightfully so. We seem to believe it is still okay to refer to anyone who struggles with weight as FAT!!! It seems as if we’ve developed the logic that when we shame those of us who are over our ideal weight enough, well we’ll do something about it.
I am not FAT
Look at any book or publication (Including the holy grail of this web site, The Spark) and see the visual projections of the so called finished product. They are all sleek, slender, dressed well and have a blessed smile about their faces. They are the ideal. Now here’s the problem. There is no ideal.
From a very young age we are conditioned to believe that there is a preferred way to look. It’s so important that we are told our very success in life depends upon it. I’m not talking about being healthy. I’m talking about being attractive and so are they. The problem starts when you create a blanket definition for attractive. It just doesn’t work. What is attractive to me may not be attractive to you. Is it up to Vanity Fair to create a standard?
Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to reach my ideal weight and have all the factors that determine health for a person my age. I am also keenly aware that my obesity is my own responsibility, not the universes. If I choose to be overweight it is not society’s fault. It’s my own choice.
I am not FAT.
I believe the standard of health I achieve in my life has to do with a number of things least of all what the cover of Men’s Health tells me I am supposed to look like. I have watched people; some of them here at Spark, mortgage their health and souls to look like the magazine covers only to realize they can’t sustain that level of appearance.
It’s about health. I have some very tall friends and some very short friends and then there are people like myself who God seems to have forgotten about the neck when he created us. He made up for it by giving me long legs. It is insane for me to compare my weight and health journey to my tall and short friends.
I am not FAT
There are lots of things in my life I need to change. I need to change them because I am worth the change, I deserve the change and I show up here most days to hang around with real people!!! (That would be you. You can take a bow now.) I need to eat better, exercise more and keep my eye on a healthy weight.
We reached the car and I told Joan everything I was thinking. As I started the engine I smirked a bit. She asked me why I had that look on my face.
“Suppose, “I said.” That a magazine published pictures of the ideal Caucasian, Hispanic and African American, and Asian person. What do you think the reaction would be?”
Something to think about
I am not FAT
Sunday, November 07, 2010
I was able to get to the gym yesterday afternoon and it was probably the most pleasant experience I had all week. I was able to run two and one half miles and my poor old body paid for the lack of activity over the past four days. I felt renewed and refreshed. As I ran, I started thinking about all my alleged trials and tribulations. Yes, I had a rather disconcerting week, LOL, and yes it threw me for a loop.
As I ran, though, I started thinking about the story of Job. In essence Satan told God he wasn’t as hot as he thought he was and that he would let God pick any person he wanted and Satan would make that person despair of God. God told him “Take my servant Job.” Again, in essence, Job had it all going his way. Nice house, nice family and a pretty hefty income. (He probably worked out five days a week also in a state of the art gym!) God told Satan to take his best shot, Job wouldn’t despair of God. So Satan did. Job lost everything and in the end was sitting “on a pile of dung, covered in sores.” However, he never despaired. He never cried “uncle.” In the end God restored everything Job had lost and Satan went looking for another, albeit weaker victim.” Everybody around Job told him to give in but he didn’t.
Now hopefully I don’t end up on a pile of dung covered in sores but sometimes it seems like my grandmother was right, “No problem is a small problem if it’s your problem!” But unlike Job I often despair. Oh I don’t give up on God. I get a bit miffed with Him from time to time but I don’t give up. Job didn’t have chocolate chunk cookies and Mickey D’s. He didn’t have pizza, beer and powdered covered sugar donuts. When things are going good so is I. when they get tough I have a tendency to bail out and then wonder why I don’t reach any of my goals. There is really nothing in my life I can’t deal with, I choose not to deal with it!! I wring my hands and turn into some sort of drama queen.
So as I ran around the track I thought about Job and I thought how much he endured and in the end he had everything restored tenfold. There’s a lesson there. The lesson to me is that if you stick with the things that made you successful and got you results you have to stick with them no matter how tough things get. It was a revealing yet humbling experience, all at once. I saw where I had failed and how my inability to deal with things caused me to get derailed.
I woke up this morning to a new day and to a new beginning. I’ll start over and I’ll fall down a few times but hopefully in a little while God can say “Take my servant John!!”
Have a blessed Sunday
Saturday, November 06, 2010
I have sat here for the last ten minutes trying to figure out a way to tell you about my week. I give up! Just let me say that you have had them too. The kind of week where you know you have a lot of challenges before it begins and then there are a few events sprinkled in there just to gauge how much you are able to handle. No matter how well you plan, things seem to come unhinged and stay there. Toss in an emotional melt down or two, lack of exercise since late Tuesday topped off with a few chocolate chunk cookies and you are really hoping next week is better but in a lot of ways you know it is going to be just as challenging. Anyone else ever feel this way? Good, I am glad to know I have company.
I had taken most of last week off to be home with Joan after her surgery so this week was going to be busy to begin with. Last Saturday a young friend of ours took his own life and the week ended with one of our dogs breaking a nail, spilling a lot of blood, but basically being okay. I was away so much that by the time I reached home at night the gym was either closed or getting ready to close and when all was said and done I was pretty depressed.
Wednesday I was driving to Louisville. It was raining, blowing and cold. So was I. Half way there I melted down. I lifted my eyes to heaven and said “I can’t do this. You got the wrong guy here. I don’t know why you picked me to begin with but I am not your guy. I got way to much baggage and if I were you I would have kicked me to the curb years ago.”
I felt so very alone and so very lonely. Yes I know there are people who love me. Yes, I have this wonderful network of people who support me……
I sometimes wish I just had someone in a three dimensional form I could talk to. Maybe whine to, LOL? I went on and on about not being able to handle everything. Lately it seems that everywhere I go I am reminded about all my mistakes. An event, a phrase, an issue comes up and it feels like I have been stabbed in the heart. How do you say “despondent.”
So I finish my talk with God and I resign myself to feeling crummy. Intellectually I know it will pass but emotionally I am out of breath. I ask Him for some help = something, anything.
Let me fast forward.
Six hours later I am eating lunch with a client. Physically I am present, emotionally I am hoping he shuts up really soon. My mood isn’t much better and now I’m feeling guilty because I am not paying attention. He pauses for just a moment and gets an odd look on his face.
“I’m not sure why I’m bringing this up,” He begins “Have you seen the movie Secretariat?”
“There is a great line in there and it just made me think of you. The line went like this,” he said.
“You can’t ever go forward as long as you drive looking in the rear view mirror.”
“You say stuff like that to me all the time.”
Fortunately he got a phone call and I had a few minutes to collect myself and was over whelmed with this wonderful divine sort of warmth. As quickly as it showed up it left. Prayers are answered, maybe not in the form or fashion we would like or suggest but so often God uses us as a vehicle for someone else to grow, learn and be at peace.
I’d like to tell you my world changed on a dime and the sub poked through the clouds. It was only Wednesday and the rest of my week sucked but it sucked in a way that made me focus on getting the plane through the thunderstorm and not looking in the mirror for something to catch up with me.
Be blessed this Saturday
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