Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I was stretching on the living room floor this morning, getting ready to take my morning walk, when sudden;y there was this very cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. I believe in popular parlance it's called "fear." Conventional wisdom tells us that the very moment someone tells us they are scared we are to quickly respond with "Oh, there is no need to be scared. You will do just fine." See, if you let me be scared then there is the possibility that you could be scared and then you'd have to acknowledge it. Best to pooh-pooh our fears.
I run my first 5K Saturday. I am prepared physically, I am preparing mentally. I found out this morning I am not well prepared emotionally. I was scared.
I got fat by not facing my fears. I stuffed them, hid them, denied them, made light of them. I ate them away.
On May 8, 2010 Joan and I walked in a 5K. Overcome by middle aged foolishness or caught up in the crowd I ran the last one eight mile or so. I felt good. The next morning I walked three miles and the following Monday I downloaded the pod casts for the C25K training program. I began to run. I was comfortable running because I couldn't ever envision me running any farther than fifteen feet and by the way; that 5K might as well have been ten years away. It didn't register on the radar. This Saturday, four short days away, I run the 5K. Somewhere in that mix I went from running to being a runner.
I laid on the living room floor, scared. I got up and started my walk and decided to figure out what I was scared of before the walk was over. It didn't take long. I was scared of success. Once i complete this first 5K I have to set another goal, and then another one and suddenly in territory I never dreamed of being in. It's scary. I can stand up in front of five hundred people and talk for an hour and shake it off as fun. I can run around the neighborhood and listen to my I pod with no fear. Saturday morning I am going to run with a whole bunch of other people with a whole bunch more people watching. I am not scared of tripping and falling, that might be a blessing. I was scared of doing it well and forcing myself into a new comfort zone.
I realized too, that this weight plateau I reached had nothing at all to do with my body adjusting. It had to do with my mind and soul being petrified of having to live in the light. It has to do with John wanting to Talk the talk but not always walk the walk.
It's okay to be scared as long as you deal with it and deal with it as soon as possible. I ended my walk with a grin. I learned something new about me.
Now I am ready emotionally. I'm going to run Saturday because right now, it's what I know how to do.