Thursday, June 17, 2010
If you had told me six months ago that my life would have changed this dramatically in a short period of time I might have suggested you get yourself drug screened. Yes, the weight loss is wonderful, super and all those other fantabulous modifiers, but the real change I have seen is the beginning of and continued development of the real and authentic me. As I peel back the layers I am finding all sorts of treats and have met all sorts of friends. My attitude towards many things has changed but more importantly my behavior is changing.
I find my way to the gym six days out of seven. Iíd like to tell you that itís the same time every day but itís not. I go when I have time and itís not unusual for me to be there three times during the course of a day to get my allotted work out in. I have to admit that ninety percent of the time I look forward to exercising and the other ten percent of the time I am glad I went after I finish even though I am kicking and screaming all the way there.
I have started to run. Well, it resembles running. I never dreamed six months ago I would do anything more than trot to the fridge. I would have laughed. Reading some your blogs inspired me and I began C25K training. I have completed weeks one and two and Iíll admit here that I had to do them both twice. I am now on week three and I actually ran farther Sunday and Tuesday than I ever have in my life. That is something I am starting to look forward to also.
People who know me stop me and gush about how good I look and while I admit itís a really good feeling I canít help but feel a bit disconcerted at times. Those people, who want to be my buddy, didnít look at me twice seventy one pounds ago. Thatís not right. You wonít convince me otherwise. My appearance is different I agree but I am still the same child of God. What I have learned is to be more open and more sensitive to people. I have learned to stop for a moment everyday and reach out to someone who may never have had anyone reach out to them before.
Six months ago I knew Joan and the kids loved me I didnít know I would find so many genuine and wonderful friends like I have found here. So many of you, young, and old and in between have been so supportive of me and so open to help. I have to laugh at times because when I reach a milestone I think ďOMG, I have to call *Your Name Here* and tell them my good newsÖÖĒ You are that real and important to me. I am closer to some of you than others but if we have crossed paths here, you have taught me something and I am applying it in my life. Never under estimate the power of a smile, a song or a poem.
Six months ago I thought I was starting another diet and today I realize I am in the middle of an experience that will only end when I am called home to spread the Spark for all eternity.
The tale of the tape says seventy one point eight pounds. There is no way to measure the internal growth and enormous wisdom I have learned from each of you. I am so happy to be part of your family and so honored that you share part of yourself with me on a daily basis.
I am excited about the next six months. I can only imagine what I will learn, who I will meet, and as Dr Seuss said ďOh the places youíll go and the people youíll meet.Ē
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
If this was easy, anyone could do it.
Itís why dieting doesnít work. Someone lures you in with promises of an overnight life style change and glossy pictures of people who donít exist to begin with and suddenly we are all sixteen again. Well we are until reality sets in and whatís going on inside of us, the anxiety, the struggle and some days plain old pain, doesnít match the glossy pictures. We get tired of the same repetitive behavior with little to no results and we do what we are often want to do, we blame ourselves. There must be some sort of fatal character flaw within us because Lord knows all those people got skinny in a hurry and here we sit waddling through life.
If this was easy anyone could do it.
We have a lot of choices to make every day. Temptation is a big one. Most of us love eating and love good food and unfortunately the food we have come to love doesnít always have our best interest at heart. We struggle between the apple and the piece of pie. We pray, we talk to friends and somehow we endure. Yeah, we stumble and fall but we get up and keep moving forward.
Itís the hard choice of getting off the couch and going to the gym or running or the difficult task of fighting the millions of excuses our minds create not to exercise. We huff and puff, put ice packs on our aching joints and promise ourselves we will never do this again.
We overcome our fear, our anxiety and we work out along side people who appear to resemble machines. Sometimes we get discouraged but every day we go back.
If this were easy anyone could do it.
Itís not. Nothing worthwhile ever is. Nothing that has meaning and value ever comes without a price. The price we pay for our hard work, our sweat and often our tears is the knowledge that we remain part of a group of people who triumphed over adversity and setbacks.
Not everyone can do this, just me and you.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Losing your focus is like falling in darkness. You are not sure where the bottom is. So you float and you learn that the harder you try to focus the harder it becomes to do so. A friend points something out on your Spark Page and all of a sudden itís ďLet there be light.Ē Everything seems so clear. You are not quite sure how to get where you want to go but at least you know where you are going.
There is not a lot of balance in my life. Truth is known there never has been. Itís always been all or nothing with me and in most cases both. I plunge into something with a lot of energy and when I canít sustain the energy forever I give up. Itís why I am over weight. Itís why I feel I have to do it all. Itís this feeling of not being quite equal to everyone else. It means Iím a ďpeople pleaserĒ because I have to be better than you just to be equal to you. It means I set a lot of unrealistic expectations for myself and when I donít achieve them I give up. Itís why I lost my focus last week. I was asking myself to be perfect in a world where perfection is impossible. Excellence, yes. Perfection, simply a dream. Itís a dream I always thought was attainable because if I did what no one else did than maybe it would balance the scales.
What my friend wrote on my Spark Page about being a people pleaser removed the scales from my eyes. I saw what was motivating me and how I needed to change it. I need to develop a sense of balance.
For the remainder of last week thatís what I did. I looked at the three areas of my life that are important to me; the physical, the emotional and the spiritual and realized that if I didnít pay attention to all three equally, I would not be successful in doing anything positive.
Another Spark friend blogged about keeping an exercise journal. I went to Target and got a cheap calendar that I could carry with me. I wrote my exercise plan out for the week. Because of my travel schedule I was not able to exercise at all on Thursday. This was my first challenge. I had to deal with that. If I miss a day, no matter what anyone says, I feel like I have failed. Well, last Thursday there was no way I could exercise. I didnít and I told myself I had stuck with my plan, which made me a success.
Food was another issue. I had to eat three meals out last week. No way around it. The answer was fresh fish and veggies and yeah I had a piece of bread, LOL. I did make a meal plan, went to the grocery before I left town and packed enough of my own food to get me through the three days I was gone. Lotsí of water, lots Ďof un sweet ice tea. I planned and I prepared and I didnít have to be perfect, because I was prepared. I felt confident. End result was a six pound loss for the week.
I think a lot of that loss had to do with paying attention to the emotional part of me. I made sure I got enough rest. I realized that too much rest was just as bad as not getting enough rest. By getting eight hours sleep and the security of knowing I had created a good food and exercise plan a lot of the needless stress was gone and I could concentrate on, well, concentrate on being me.
The spiritual part of my life is the most important part of my life and probably the area I feel I fail at the most. I have a hard time talking about what I feel and what I believe because I have always been turned off by people who take God, open your mouth, and shove Him down your throat just so they can feel they did something good and put a gold star next to their name. I donít ever want to be like that.
I could write reams and not express it well, so I will share with you a line from a song I like. It goes: ďTake my life and let it be, a living prayer, my God, to thee.Ē
Thatís all I really want out of life if I am going to be honest. I want to love and be loved. I want to share and be shared with and the odd thing is that for the longest time I felt that if I shared all of who I really was with you, well you wouldnít like me. Itís that need to please. I do want to let you know everything God has done for me.
It all came together yesterday morning. The dramatic way would be to say it happened at church. It didnít. It happened at the park while I was starting week three of C25K training. It was hot, I was aching and that nasty little voice inside of me kept telling me to quit. I would never be able to run a 5K. I tried to brush it way but it just wouldnít stop.
I got mad, really mad. I yelled at it to go away, to leave me alone that I didnít need it anymore and please donít come back. It was still hot, I still ached, but I ran farther yesterday that I have since I was a kid and I did it because I wanted to, not because anyone required me to.
My focus is returning.
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