Wednesday, January 27, 2010
First a thousand apologies for feeling sorry for myself all over this blog posting yesterday. i walked around half of yesterday feeling not good and not bad but odd. I did my cardio, but never quite got the rush I normally get from it. I felt like I was walking through jello most of the day.
Around lunch time it hit me. I have grown a lot on the outside in the past month or so. I have shaped up, toned up, slimmed down, developed better eating habits etc..............BUT the inside of me,where a lot of the perceptions, values and beliefsare, they have lagged far behind that external change. when I reached one of my milestones Sunday, the me I had neglected for awhile decided it was time to crawl back into his cave and pout a bit. He wasn't, as one of my close friends says "Ready for the big time."
I count this as one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in my life. I belive its why I have failed at my goals so often. I have paid so much attention to the exterior and failed to develop my internal self at an equal pace.
This means a whole new set of goals that match up the inside of me, with the outside of me. I am very grateful to those of you who shared their wisdon and insite with me yesterday and helped me reach this point
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I am really proud of what I've accomplished in the past month or so. I am so proud that I feel guilty. While the exterior of me is gradually changing and I am becoming comfortable with changing the way I look at food and exercise I realized this morning that the inside portion of me, the you I really dont let a lot of people see has a very long way to go. In short, I dont feel like I deserve all this. I know the day will come when I have a setback, a day where I don't exercise or that I inhale 1/5 of all the Dunkin donuts known to man. That, I rationalize, I will deserve. That, too fail, is the pattern I have embraced.
With each successive day I get more scared. With each pound that drops, each piece of clothing that fits better encourages me and scares me at the same time. I am challenging myself in ways I have never done before and while I feel good about it this tiny voice keeps saying "Who do you think you are!!"
It's fresh ground and its virgin territory and somedays I just want to have one large, massive anxiety attack and get it over with.
I wont, I'll go the gym, i'll choose the fresh garden salad over the quarter pounder with cheese and I'll realize that one day the inside of me will indeed catch up with the outside of me and that I'll know in my heart, not just my head how special I really am.
Have a great day.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I had one of "those" weeks. A lotta really good moments, a few shaky ones and a couple, "Oh my what do I do now." (I dont really say "oh my" but you get the point.)
I fought off just chucking this all together: way to much to do and remember.
I thought maybe I could do virtual cardio and become virtually healthy.
I successfully navigated my youngest daughters 24th birthday dinner last night at a restaurant where they only thing healthy were the twenty something servers. (I ate one fourth of a club sandwich and some cole slaw. I took two chips and slathered them in salsa.)
I got all seven days of cardio in for the first time since I became a Spark Person.
I lost four pounds this week.
All the doubts, fears and worry, worry, worry, went right down the drain the minute I saw the loss.
My wife gave me a hug this morning and said "Oh wow I can get my arms around you."
I wrote earlier this week about looking for the good in you. It's there right in front of you. It doesnt have to be something you did when you were younger. Me and you, some of the greatest people in history are doing amazing things and becoming even more amazing people every second of every day. I call all I do "Special ME"
I turned down ice cream yesterday. It wasn't with a "Aghhhhhhhhhhh I'm on a diet." It was with a "No thanks."
I am becoming more and more "ME" and so are you. When you finish reading this go look in the mirror and look at the very best person on the face of the earth. Then close you eyes and think about all the other very best people you know. Amazing, isnt it?
To me that's when it's worth it. Thank you for traveling this part of the journey with me.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I woke up at three am this morning because I had a cramp in my left big toe. It hurt bad enough that I was fully awake. In five minutes the cramp was gone but I was still wide awake. I laid there for a bit letting all kinds of stuff float through my head. I am one of those people who if I cant find something to worry about, I worry!!! Damn, the luck that my life the past few weeks has been crisis and drama free. Given there was no trivial issue to obsess over I just laid there.
"You're fifty six years old and you have never read War and Peace"
That's the thought that stuck. I am an avid reader. It almost borders on obsession. If I am not currently reading a book I have issues. I'll read anything. My mother told me she believes it comes from how I was toilet trained. She sat me on the toilet with a book. But I never read War and Peace. Me being me, I decided that as soon as the library opened this morning I would check the book out and then when I woke up in the middle of the night the next time I could smugly cross that off the list of things I have done.
At breakfast this morning I shared my thoughts with my wife. She looked over her cup of coffee and said "Have you ever read any Tolstoy?"
"Nope" I responded.
"Maybe, you should start with one of his shorter works so you get used to his style of writing," she said. "I read War and Peace between my junior and senior years, it was a struggle.
Good advice, not only for Tolstoy, but for life. I think about all the times I plunged into something head long, trying to be bigger, better and faster than everyone else and ended up falling flat on my face.
Making transitions in life is hard enough, but when I choose not to enjoy those moments, when I choose not to savor very small victories I am not only unhappy John, but ultimately I'll fail to reach my goals.
My wife was right, reading War and Peace today would seem almost like a punishment. It dawned on me that I'd often looked at nutrition in the same way. "I'm On A Diet!!!" This automatically suggests some fatal character flaw.
I'm not on a diet. I am on a journey. I will enjoy the journey. I think this will be the hardest lesson of all for me to learn.
And............. my dear and precious friends, I thank you for your support
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