Monday, May 31, 2010
We will be headed back to Owensboro this afternoon sometime after a whirlwind visit with all the kids plus a trip to the Indianapolis 500 to sit in temperatures of 93, 95 or 97 degrees depending on which source you choose to believe. It was hot. Thank goodness we sat in the grand stand and were under some cover. I havent been to Indy in fifteen years and I had a good time.
Off to visit our grand daughter just a bit more and then home. I need to run!!! It's been since Friday.
Have a great Monday and TTYL
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I have learned a lot from my dad. I have been fortunate. The thing I will always remember most is this: “If you always tell the truth, you don’t have to ever remember what story to tell.”
Initially, I wanted this blog to be a bit of an apology for the minor meltdown I had yesterday over my medical snafu and going over my calorie limits. I was riding my bike earlier and the thought struck me that I have nothing to apologize for. Again, I learned a bit more about John.
Come close, Sparkies, I am not sure the whole world needs to hear this: “I found out I am not perfect.”
I found out that no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise there is still this bit of a desire, a need, call it whatever you like, to be perfect. Honestly, it was a bit shocking. I thought we had dealt with all that stuff. Apparently not. The residue of the diet mentality is not completely erased.
I think it goes deeper than that. I think you can change your body but unless you work equally hard on your mind and spirit then ultimately you end right back up where you started from. Trappergirl999 said it best the other day when she commented on one of my postings. She said”…….. Because if nothing changes, nothing changes.” Those words are ringing in my ears.
When I am perfect I am like the cool kids. I am not fat anymore I am skinny and lithe and move with grace. I have to be perfect to be equal because of the fact I am fat. It’s a flaw inside of me. That distorted thinking caused me to emotionally spiral yesterday. I am glad I did. I am glad I got a glimpse of what’s really going on inside of me.
I won’t lie. I learned a lot but I know that feeling isn’t going to vanish over night because it didn’t get there over night. It built up over the years of feeling insecure and out-of-place because of my weight. But at least I know.
“Yeah but John, you have accomplished so much in close to six months. You should be proud.” I am. I am proud and I am scared. Scared that I am going to wake up one day and all of this will unravel because I am not worthy to be happy and healthy.
So what do ya do?
You get up this morning and you ride your bike for thirty five minutes before it gets to hot out. You track your breakfast calories and keep in mind that you need to add a bit of protein to them. You slap yourself really hard when you start thinking “diet” and “failure.” You track your food and then you get ready to go do strength training followed by a one hour deep tissue massage because you really do deserve it………
You blog and you read the amazing support you get from those people who really do love you but are bound up by so much convention and appropriate dialogue and political correctness that they tell you they love you in code words and you ask yourself this question.
“Do I really want to waste all that energy on being perfect?”
No I dont
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I need some advice because I feel as if I am being pulled in about ten different directions.
Let me set the scene for you:
I have lost close to seventy pounds in a little over five months. I suffer from hypertension and have been on medication for over three years. A lot of it had to do with weight and hereditary factors. I have been exercising regularly, about 45 to 60 minutes of cardio per day. Three weeks ago I added the C25K training podcast because I would like to run a 5K one day. A week ago I added strength training three times per week.
The past few mornings, after taking my blood pressure medication I have felt like I have vertigo. It’s more annoying than anything. This morning, before I exercised, I felt really light headed. I asked the nurse at my gym to take my blood pressure and it was 100/60. That’s low for me. With medication it usually runs 120/90. I didn’t work out, instead I walked across the parking lot to my doctors office and talked to her. She adjusted my blood pressure meds but told me that my blood pressure was still within normal limits.
My son, who runs half marathons, told me that since I have been trying to run the past few weeks that training is lowering my blood pressure naturally. My wife suggested that I am not eating enough since I ramped up my activity levels. I usually stay within my calorie levels but at the low end.
Help guys!!! My doctor smiled and told me it was a good thing that we needed to lower my medication. Am I exercising too much, not eating enough? I’m lost.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sometimes the written word isn’t adequate. Some days I sit at my keyboard and I want to express an emotion or a thought and I just don’t have a human word or sentence for it. I suspect that’s how God’s love is for us, so wonderful, awesome and unconditional that there are no words for it.
I do believe in heroes. I believe they are the everyday people like me and you who make a decision to be healthy, to be happy and to be successful. We are are never on the cover of People or the stars in a reality show. Mostly, our lives are our own reality shows, except we don’t get to hawk our own line of clothing or get paid a boat load of money when we find a pimple on our fore heads.
No, you and I are the people who get up each day and face our lives. Whether the day has been good or bad, we go to bed knowing it’s going to be there waiting for us the next morning when we wake up. That’s what makes us heroes. It is our ability to persevere and to triumph over all the adversity we face on a day-to-day basis.
We have rent and mortgages and sick kids and teenagers with issues and spouses and jobs that suddenly aren’t there one day. We sit and stare out the window and we wonder how we are going to make it another day. But we do.
We choose to be healthy. We don’t always get it right, but when we do get it, well it sticks. We drag ourselves off the couch and we walk, or we run or we cycle or we Wii-Fit it when we’d rather curl up and forget about all this nonsense.
We read about healthy alternatives to the stuff we been putting in our bodies for years and we scour the produce section of our groceries for new treats. Yes, we lie in bed at night thinking about that four layer lemon crème cake with the lemon butter cream icing, but we never eat it.
We are human. We have scars to show and truth be known, most of us try to hide them rather than show them off. We write blogs, read blogs, comment on blogs, encourage each other and get really worried when we see our progress isn’t what everyone else’s is.
Somehow we move forward. There is a “Spark” inside of us that pushes us to be the true definition of hero. We keep at it and keep at it until we get it right and when we do then we smile a most satisfying smile and move on to our next challenge. We are a great and noble people who are not smug in our victories. No, not us. We share those victories by encouraging other people and telling them “You can do it!!!” They are the people whose support and encouragement has me training to run a 5K when I never thought I could walk more than five feet.
We tend to shun the heroic because when we compare ourselves to those comic books type heroes we will never live up to their performance and frankly it’s futile to try. That type of heroism isn’t real. Ours is.
My heroes reside within this web site. They are people just like me. They are you. Those heroes write to me and encourage me and seem to know when to send me a Spark Mail that says “You been awfully quiet today. Is everything okay?”
Why did I write this? I read so much of what you write, whether it is to me personally or your own thoughts in a blog or on your Spark page. I read how frustrated you get and how you wish things would change, but I notice that you are back every day, making an effort to get it right. That’s why you’re a hero. It’s not because of all the weight you lost or the races you have run or the awards you have collected. Those are amazingly cool things but……………. You are my heroes because there is blood on every ounce and inch you have lost. There is a blister on every toe and a callus on every heel for every mile you have walked or run. Victory is an outcome and victory doesn’t make heroes. Hard work and perseverance does.
Sometimes I am not sure I have the right words to express what I feel, but I keep coming back until I get it right.
Just like you.
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