Thursday, May 27, 2010
I have learned a lot from my dad. I have been fortunate. The thing I will always remember most is this: “If you always tell the truth, you don’t have to ever remember what story to tell.”
Initially, I wanted this blog to be a bit of an apology for the minor meltdown I had yesterday over my medical snafu and going over my calorie limits. I was riding my bike earlier and the thought struck me that I have nothing to apologize for. Again, I learned a bit more about John.
Come close, Sparkies, I am not sure the whole world needs to hear this: “I found out I am not perfect.”
I found out that no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise there is still this bit of a desire, a need, call it whatever you like, to be perfect. Honestly, it was a bit shocking. I thought we had dealt with all that stuff. Apparently not. The residue of the diet mentality is not completely erased.
I think it goes deeper than that. I think you can change your body but unless you work equally hard on your mind and spirit then ultimately you end right back up where you started from. Trappergirl999 said it best the other day when she commented on one of my postings. She said”…….. Because if nothing changes, nothing changes.” Those words are ringing in my ears.
When I am perfect I am like the cool kids. I am not fat anymore I am skinny and lithe and move with grace. I have to be perfect to be equal because of the fact I am fat. It’s a flaw inside of me. That distorted thinking caused me to emotionally spiral yesterday. I am glad I did. I am glad I got a glimpse of what’s really going on inside of me.
I won’t lie. I learned a lot but I know that feeling isn’t going to vanish over night because it didn’t get there over night. It built up over the years of feeling insecure and out-of-place because of my weight. But at least I know.
“Yeah but John, you have accomplished so much in close to six months. You should be proud.” I am. I am proud and I am scared. Scared that I am going to wake up one day and all of this will unravel because I am not worthy to be happy and healthy.
So what do ya do?
You get up this morning and you ride your bike for thirty five minutes before it gets to hot out. You track your breakfast calories and keep in mind that you need to add a bit of protein to them. You slap yourself really hard when you start thinking “diet” and “failure.” You track your food and then you get ready to go do strength training followed by a one hour deep tissue massage because you really do deserve it………
You blog and you read the amazing support you get from those people who really do love you but are bound up by so much convention and appropriate dialogue and political correctness that they tell you they love you in code words and you ask yourself this question.
“Do I really want to waste all that energy on being perfect?”
No I dont
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I need some advice because I feel as if I am being pulled in about ten different directions.
Let me set the scene for you:
I have lost close to seventy pounds in a little over five months. I suffer from hypertension and have been on medication for over three years. A lot of it had to do with weight and hereditary factors. I have been exercising regularly, about 45 to 60 minutes of cardio per day. Three weeks ago I added the C25K training podcast because I would like to run a 5K one day. A week ago I added strength training three times per week.
The past few mornings, after taking my blood pressure medication I have felt like I have vertigo. It’s more annoying than anything. This morning, before I exercised, I felt really light headed. I asked the nurse at my gym to take my blood pressure and it was 100/60. That’s low for me. With medication it usually runs 120/90. I didn’t work out, instead I walked across the parking lot to my doctors office and talked to her. She adjusted my blood pressure meds but told me that my blood pressure was still within normal limits.
My son, who runs half marathons, told me that since I have been trying to run the past few weeks that training is lowering my blood pressure naturally. My wife suggested that I am not eating enough since I ramped up my activity levels. I usually stay within my calorie levels but at the low end.
Help guys!!! My doctor smiled and told me it was a good thing that we needed to lower my medication. Am I exercising too much, not eating enough? I’m lost.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sometimes the written word isn’t adequate. Some days I sit at my keyboard and I want to express an emotion or a thought and I just don’t have a human word or sentence for it. I suspect that’s how God’s love is for us, so wonderful, awesome and unconditional that there are no words for it.
I do believe in heroes. I believe they are the everyday people like me and you who make a decision to be healthy, to be happy and to be successful. We are are never on the cover of People or the stars in a reality show. Mostly, our lives are our own reality shows, except we don’t get to hawk our own line of clothing or get paid a boat load of money when we find a pimple on our fore heads.
No, you and I are the people who get up each day and face our lives. Whether the day has been good or bad, we go to bed knowing it’s going to be there waiting for us the next morning when we wake up. That’s what makes us heroes. It is our ability to persevere and to triumph over all the adversity we face on a day-to-day basis.
We have rent and mortgages and sick kids and teenagers with issues and spouses and jobs that suddenly aren’t there one day. We sit and stare out the window and we wonder how we are going to make it another day. But we do.
We choose to be healthy. We don’t always get it right, but when we do get it, well it sticks. We drag ourselves off the couch and we walk, or we run or we cycle or we Wii-Fit it when we’d rather curl up and forget about all this nonsense.
We read about healthy alternatives to the stuff we been putting in our bodies for years and we scour the produce section of our groceries for new treats. Yes, we lie in bed at night thinking about that four layer lemon crème cake with the lemon butter cream icing, but we never eat it.
We are human. We have scars to show and truth be known, most of us try to hide them rather than show them off. We write blogs, read blogs, comment on blogs, encourage each other and get really worried when we see our progress isn’t what everyone else’s is.
Somehow we move forward. There is a “Spark” inside of us that pushes us to be the true definition of hero. We keep at it and keep at it until we get it right and when we do then we smile a most satisfying smile and move on to our next challenge. We are a great and noble people who are not smug in our victories. No, not us. We share those victories by encouraging other people and telling them “You can do it!!!” They are the people whose support and encouragement has me training to run a 5K when I never thought I could walk more than five feet.
We tend to shun the heroic because when we compare ourselves to those comic books type heroes we will never live up to their performance and frankly it’s futile to try. That type of heroism isn’t real. Ours is.
My heroes reside within this web site. They are people just like me. They are you. Those heroes write to me and encourage me and seem to know when to send me a Spark Mail that says “You been awfully quiet today. Is everything okay?”
Why did I write this? I read so much of what you write, whether it is to me personally or your own thoughts in a blog or on your Spark page. I read how frustrated you get and how you wish things would change, but I notice that you are back every day, making an effort to get it right. That’s why you’re a hero. It’s not because of all the weight you lost or the races you have run or the awards you have collected. Those are amazingly cool things but……………. You are my heroes because there is blood on every ounce and inch you have lost. There is a blister on every toe and a callus on every heel for every mile you have walked or run. Victory is an outcome and victory doesn’t make heroes. Hard work and perseverance does.
Sometimes I am not sure I have the right words to express what I feel, but I keep coming back until I get it right.
Just like you.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I have clothes that no longer fit me . They are too big. It feels good to be able to say that. I went out and got some new clothes. Remember I’m a guy so this whole trip took about an hour. Khaki pants, black pants and gray pants with shirts to match. My new clothes were snug a month ago and now they are loose.
Joan eyed me up when we got ready for church the other night and said. “I guess we will have to replace those clothes soon too.”
She looked in my closet and said “I thought you got rid of the clothes that didn’t fit? When Katie went to the shelter with her stuff I thought she was taking yours?”
I just shrugged and we went to church. It bothered me, those clothes just hanging there. My “fat clothes.” Katie asked me if I should take them and I told her no. I’d take them myself. I see them every day when I get dressed in the morning.
It dawned on me last night, after thinking about all the progress I made, I was getting into new territory here. I am hanging on to those old clothes because I am afraid to be skinny.
See, I know fat. I have been that way for gosh at least fifteen years, maybe more. I have been carrying this cargo around for so darned long that I can’t remember how darned long I have been carrying it around. I do not know skinny and healthy. Those clothes are my safety net. You know, for when I regain all the weight I lost. I’ll have clothes to fit. I have an “out.” Pretty messed up thinking, huh?
In our hope chest, at the foot of our bed is a copy of Rolling Stone Magazine from 1980. It’s not a commemorative issue or anything. It has an interview with Tom Petty. I like Tom Petty but he’s not one of my all time fav’s or anything I like that. I kept the magazine because of something he said. Thirty years later, it all made sense.
When asked what made him so successful Petty said when he was twelve he sold his prized possessions. He took the money he earned from selling those things and purchased a guitar. He was going to be a great musician and he would let nothing stand in his way. He left himself nothing to fall back on he said. If he had something to fall back on he felt he would. The rest as they say is history.
I’ve kept that magazine all these years because I have always been inspired by Petty’s story. Yesterday it made sense. As long as I hang on to those old “fat clothes” I have an excuse. I have something to fall back on. I may reach my goal but I won’t stay there or maybe I’ll give up because my old life style is calling me back. With my safety net I don’t have to put it all out there. I can hedge my bets a bit, just in case.
Talk about your major epiphany moments. I’ll admit my first feeling wasn’t a pleasant one at all. It was a bit of shame and a bit of embarrassment and a lot of “Oh My Goodness’s.” It reminded me of the poster I saw once that read “We have met the enemy and they are us!!!”
Those negative feelings were quickly replaced by an enlightened one. “Move forward, cut the ties, and oh yeah while you are at it John, start learning to deal with some of this stuff or we may have to give you an award for best actor in a dramatic role.”
The clothes are only a symbol of my fear to move forward. I wish I could get rid of that fear simply by removing my old clothes. I know it’s not all that easy. But it’s a step in the right direction.
It’s really my attitude, you know. I have made so many positive changes recently and I should be excited about what’s around the bend. I think I’ll throw that old attitude in the box with all my old clothes.
This may not seem like the most inspirational blog in the world to you reading it, but when I realized how much I was hanging on to my past, it made perfect sense to me!!!
Yeah I know “fat.”
I’m discovering “skinny.”
You are cordially invited to join me
Get An Email Alert Each Time JOHNTJ1 Posts