Friday, March 19, 2010
Ever feel like you are looking at the world through a bowl full of green Jell-O? Okay you can put your hands down now. Looks like itís been most of us.
Whatís the first thing we usually do? Ok Iíll answer because I am a pro at this. We grab the food of choice. And we grab and we grab and we grab. Then we feel guilty and despondent and then we give up because the almighty cookie, cake or brownie has assumed its control over us once again.
It reminds me of the riddle: Where does a 500 pound gorilla sit in your refrigerator? Any where it wants.
Up until this week my journey into Sparkville has been relatively stress free. Oh Iíve been tempted by that scent of chocolate and the sweet seduction of blackberry cobbler with a pure lard crust has tickled my fancy. I have been strong. I have survived. The past few days I have been looking at the world through Jell-O!
The phone rang at midnight, Wednesday. When the person on the other end begins with ďJohn, this is Joe. (My wifeís twin brother.) Iím afraid I have some bad newsÖÖ..Ē You sort of know he wasnít calling to see how youíre feeling.
In a nutshell Joanís oldest brother died in his sleep sometime between Monday night and Tuesday night. He had been in poor health for the past year, was single and lived alone. The best guess is he had a heart attack and peacefully slept away. So I hang up the phone. I sleep with one eye open, Joan sleeps like a rock. It would be even money if the second coming would wake her up or not.
So I have to wake her. Now imagine how you feel being woken up from a sound sleep to begin with. Imagine being all groggy and having someone tell you your oldest brother just died. Not a good feeling.
My daughters hear her crying, come in our bedroom and suffice to say we were up until four am. Emotional exhaustion causes us to crash for about three hours or so and then Joan gets busy communicating with her remaining seven brothers and sisters who are flung out across the United States. I am trying to reschedule my appointments until next week and well you know how you feel when youíre looking at the world through a bowl full of green Jell-O.
Somewhere in all of this Joanís youngest brother calls to say ďGuess what? He didnít have any life insurance and no other money to speak of.Ē Now grief has a twin, itís called massive stress. You are sitting there and thinking all sorts of evil thoughts about how someone could not have any life insurance, and then you think about the poor guy all alone. You go back and forth. You wonder who is paying for all this and then you mentally slap yourself for thinking like a butt head. Your wife is wondering the same thing only she must feel ten times worse than you do because it is her brother!!!
Why do I share all this?
In the past Iíd head straight for food and rationalize about a five pound gain from the fact that no one should or could blame me for eating. I am under a lot of stress and we just lost a family member and the list goes on and on.
I didnít. There were a couple times I wanted to but I didnít.
See, I think I am genuinely maturing. Yeah I reached age twenty one eons ago but now I am maturing. In the lesser moments I told myself it wasnít worth it and in the most stressful I went down stairs and did some meditation to relax and regain control of myself. I went out and cleaned the garage, picked up junk, picked up the back yard. I have stayed busy. I knew if I didnít stay busy, I would suffer the consequences.
Anyone here recall how Americans grieve? Yup, itís with food and lots of it. Iím not talking about wholesome, whole grain dishes with plenty of veggies. I am talking about Mac and Cheese, strawberry shortcake---------- stuff like that. I could throw my hands up in the air and blame the stars, the cosmos and anyone else who crosses my mind or I could have a plan
Slowly adult John took over. I suspect that for the rest of my natural life, when times of supreme stress arrive and I am looking at the world through green Jell-O I will want to eat. Each time I will be faced with a choice and each time I will succeed. In my mind there is no other option. Itís like breathing.
I am packing my own food. If someone throws a hissy, thatís tough. The good news is one of my sister-in-laws is a vegetarian. I will lean on her. My lap top goes with me so I can track my food and yes we are staying at a hotel with a workout room.
My wife needs my support. I will concentrate on that. I am a lot more mature today then I was a few months ago. The temptation is there but I will not give in. I am on the road to success. Just because I am stuck in some green Jell-O right now is no reason to give in.
I owe many of you a word of thanks. You are the people who have really supported me and encouraged me and when I needed it kicked me in the rear end. It will be a big help.
Like the James Taylor song says ďAint it good to know you got a friendÖ.Ē
I will see you all Monday. Be safe and God bless
I want to apologize if I didnít respond personally to everyone who posted comments on my blogs the past few days. I tried to get to as many of you as I could
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Before I began this journey towards health I lived under the misperception that there were all kinds of things and people that I needed in my life. I clung to that notion like a drowning man clings to a life raft. I drew lines in the sand. Either you were for me or you were against me. If you were for me, you had better agree with what I say. If you didnít, well you were history. What you had to say contained little to no value if you made the choice to not agree with me. Of course I never spoke any of it out loud. It all swirled around in my head and the harder it swirled, well the more I ate. My name is John and I am an emotional eater.
HappyÖÖÖÖ. Pass the pasta. SadÖÖÖÖ. Send in the burger, fries and beer. AnxiousÖÖÖÖ there is a cake with my name on it someplace. I clung to those beliefs with a tight fist. We all do. We all have those beliefs inside of us that motivate us. Yes I said motivate us, but in the wrong way. Instead of pulling us closer to a healthy life style they push us further away. They teach us to say the right thing so that everyone around us nods and smiles. Thatís because we are scared that if those people knew what went on inside of our heads they may not like us. My name is John and I get scared.
Sometimes I am scared of being scared. Some days Iím scared and I donít know what I am scared of but Iím so used to being scared that itís just ďwhat I do.Ē I canít tell you any of that. You may not care for me, or support me or cheer for me. Itís all about control.
Then there came a cross roads of sorts. Itís time to go one way or another. ďTimeĒ that voice said inside of me. ďTime to let go.Ē My name is John and I was petrified.
I know how to be fat. I know misery and I know people that will tell me anything I want to hear just so Iíll go away. Let go? There are people who ďsayĒ they care but in the end their actions speak differently.
I let go. For me it was one freaked out moment.
Health in every way shape and form means that I let go of the toxic and embrace that which challenges me to grow. As long as we cling to the toxic, whether itís a food, a thought or a person, then we are only fooling ourselves. We live in a society that encourages us to be toxic, to make excuses and to deal with symptoms and not diseases. If you donít believe me go into a book store and look what two sections are the largest? They are the sections on dieting and on self help. We are encouraged to get smaller and smarter without really ever coming to know ourselves or the person sitting next to us. We are encouraged to polarize.
This whole Spark process breaks that mold. It tells us to be healthy and to be happy. But I learned in my own life that until I consented to let go and let other people help me attain those two goals I would never reach them. Itís meant I had to admit that my way wasnít always the best way and that there were other people who knew more than me.
The amazing thing is that as I dig deep I am less and less concerned with food. I find myself stressing less and less about what I eat because what goes in my mouth is benchmarked against the growing sense of excellence I have concerning myself. What I work on with a dizzying diligence is my perception of my health and establishing relationships with people who can help me do that. I am breaking the mold.
There are people who do not have my best interest at heart and I had to say good bye to them. It hurt, it was painful but at age fifty six I figure I got a good fifty years left and there is a bunch of stuff I want to do. I am not ready to concede. This chrysalis I have experienced is due in large part to you who sit and read this. If I was the kind of person who liked to embarrass other people Iíd name you one by one and then write forever about the unique part of you that you have shared with me. Yes, I made the choice to listen to you. I get a gold star for that, but it was you, right there, sipping your coffee or water that helped me learn to let go by your life.
The past is behind us and beyond our grasp. Time to let go of old ways and come into the healing light of healthy self awareness.
In the most sincere sense of the word, I love you all.
Itís only been three months. My God how good will it feel in three years?
Have a blessed day.
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