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Back Home and Wore Out

Sunday, March 21, 2010

We arrived home about forty five minutes ago. Everything went smoothly yesterday. The funeral was both touching and uplifting. There was a lot of inspiration that came from the family members who eulogized Joan's brother.

The amazing thing was the people he worked with at Lowes in Louisville. He had always worn a Hawaiian shirt to work. Yesterday and Friday all the people who knew him and worked with him wore Hawaiian shirts to work. A few of his other brother-in-laws wore them to the funeral. We went to the store after the funeral and they gave his brothers and sisters Lowes hats and tee shirts. It was very moving.

We spent the rest of the day together until 11 at night. Joan and I squeezed church in last night. We went to Mass at the church we were married at and where all the kids were baptized at. We were members there for close to twenty five years until we moved to Owensboro. It was good to see a lot of folks who still remembered us and I think it was good for Joan because she got to grieve a bit with some old friends.

I stayed within my calorie limits both days. I ate a lot of chicken and veggies! I did not get to the gym as planned yesterday. Even though Joan told me to go ahead and go for it I felt it was better I stayed with the family. So.......... I am unpacked and the gym opens in thirty minutes and that's where I shall be.

Thank you again, all of you, for your support and prayers and most importantly your friendship.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CMBELISLE 3/22/2010 10:51AM

    Congrats on staying within your calorie range. I totally understand not making it to your workout too. It does sound like he was respected/loved at his job and I love the Hawaiian shirt theme.

Hope you have a great week!

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MARCYNA 3/22/2010 6:05AM

    It's so moving John...I'm going to wear a hawaian shirt in the summer to honor you & brother in law...He was really loved as I can see and surely he's in heaven.
Congrats on the wise choices, a great sorrow like this could have threatened all the hard work but your endurance made it possible!!!!! emoticon
PS I bought a hawaian shirt last summer now I know why!!!!!

Comment edited on: 3/22/2010 6:05:14 AM

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TINKERBELL200 3/21/2010 10:02PM

    It sounds like it was amazing! Especially what his coworkers did! He must have made an impact on their lives! I think it was awesome you got to go to the church where you and Joan were married. My hubby and I go back where we were married every few years It was wisdom on your part to skip the gym. At times like this your wife family needed you more!
It's awesome you made good food choices and stayed in your limits! It feels great when you make good choices!
Glad to here you all made it home safely! I bet it feels great to be home too.
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Lynne

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SUBVET688 3/21/2010 9:50PM

    Glad you are back and Kudos to you on staying on plan through all of this.

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DOLLIE6 3/21/2010 4:42PM

    I'm proud you all are back safe and sound. I am also proud you were able to eat healthy. I hope you have a good workout and a good week.

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GERIKRAGH 3/21/2010 4:10PM

    I'm glad everything went well. We have a funeral to attend on Friday and then everyone's coming back to our house for food. I hope it turns out as wonderful as the one you went to.

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KLEONIKI 3/21/2010 4:04PM

    Welcome back on track!

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NJMATTICE 3/21/2010 3:02PM

    emoticon

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STORMTMB 3/21/2010 2:24PM

    Glad you're back home safely and even stayed in the calorie range. Continued prayers for the family as you all try to resume "normal" lives again. I think that's probably even harder. Hugs to you and Joan.

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CAROLYN0107 3/21/2010 2:12PM

    What a nice gesture of the Lowe's workers and others in the family to follow by wearing Hawaiian shirts. Congratulations to you for staying in your calorie range.

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AMABILE75 3/21/2010 1:35PM

    I'm really glad you made it home safe and sound. It is nice to see that you have such a wonderfully supportive family and that even the employees of Lowes were so kind. I know to say that you have had a very difficult week is a huge understatement. But it really says a lot about you and your commitment to a healthier you that you were able to stick within your calorie range considering the week you have had. I'm so proud of you, and more inspired than I could possibly explain.


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Tara

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A Quick Update

Saturday, March 20, 2010

A very brief yet heartfelt note to thank all of you for your wishes, prayers and support. I knew I had some friends here at Spark but I didnt realize how many friends I had and just how much they cared.

The wake went well last night. It was mostly family members and so it was somewhat of a reunion. I liked the tone of the whole evening because it was more of a celebration of her brothers life and all the interesting and funny stories that went with it.

Joan was pretty tired and as write she is in the shower. The funeral is at 10:00 AM

I have stayed within my calorie limits. At the funeral home last night they had a veggie tray with some cream cheese dip. I ate a lot of broccoli and carrots and while I didnt feel full I felt satisfied.

The hotel cardio equipment is not functioning. No worries. The gym my son belong to is about a mile away and I can get a one day pass for fifteen dollars. I believe my health is worth fifteen dollars. So sometime this afternoon or early this evening I am going to get my cardio in.

I could write all day about how grateful I am for your support and prayers but I will leave it with the thought that I will pray for all of you this morning at the funeral service.

John

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DBELLE39 3/22/2010 8:08PM

    John so sorry for your loss -- but even in what many would use as an excuse to hit the junkfood - -you have overcame & are still shining that positive attitude. God bless my dear brother.

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SUBVET688 3/21/2010 9:48PM

    You don't know me from Adam, but I crossed your path here on SP and liked your positive page. I came in to read your blog because I knew it would be positive, and it is, even in your grief and stress. I recognize and appreciate that and think it is a great example of someone doing it right. Keep strong as I know you will. My prayers to your family.

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TINKERBELL200 3/20/2010 10:14PM

    John, you and Joan and the family are in my thoughts and prayers! That's the way a wake and funeral should be is a celebration of life.
I think it's awesome that you ate the veggies and went to the gym! You have definitely made some positive lifestyle changes! Keep up the good work.
Take care of yourself and your lovely family.
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Lynne

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PINETREEGIRL 3/20/2010 8:31PM

    For some moments in life there are no words. All my best to you, John.
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KATIEGLEN012 3/20/2010 8:23PM

    I am so very sorry for your loss. That the family is able to come together is wonderful and that the atmosphere is supportive. Take care of those you love, including yourself. You are in my prayers.

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SPARKENISTA 3/20/2010 7:32PM

    John--So sorry for your loss. I have not been getting notification of your blogs and just checked in now. It's easy to space out at times like this and revert to old familiar (and unhealthy) habits. Clearly, these few months have really changed your core.

I hope that the wake and funeral are a good catharsis and that you return home in a bit of a better state of mind.

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GETFIT2LIVE 3/20/2010 3:56PM

    You, your wife, and the family are in my prayers as well during this difficult time. Keep taking care of yourself and your wife; celebrating her brother's life together is one of the best ways to remember and honor him.

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DOLLBABE56 3/20/2010 1:14PM

    It was good that you were able to have a nice evening at such a sad time. My thoughts are with you both.

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KLEONIKI 3/20/2010 1:13PM

    I like reading through your lines that keeping your commitment to exercise and health is A FIRST PRIORITY so promising and motivating for me!
Good luck1
and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS 15 USD are nothing for keep on the right track.DO IT!
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AMABILE75 3/20/2010 12:30PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Thank you for the update my friend. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers, not just during this horrible time, but always. 'm glad to hear you have been taking care of yourself.

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BIBLIOHOLIC57 3/20/2010 10:48AM

    John,

My thoughts and prayes are with you and your family. It's good to know that you have such a supportive family.

$15.00 is worth it for the day at the gym. It's a lot easier to spend $15+ for a meal.

Take care of yourself. Get some rest, too!

Annie emoticon

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DOLLIE6 3/20/2010 10:29AM

    emoticon emoticon

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TAZZIEGIRL 3/20/2010 9:54AM

    You are both in our thoughts.
HUGS

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WANDAH3 3/20/2010 9:37AM

    Give Joan a big hug for us too. I'm glad that you have been able to celebrate your BIL's life.

Hugs,
Wanda

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NJMATTICE 3/20/2010 9:18AM

    emoticon

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STORMTMB 3/20/2010 8:56AM

    Thinking of the you and Joan this weekend. Give her a hug for me.

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CRYSELLE 3/20/2010 8:52AM

    *hugs* John I have been sick and quiet but believe me you are in my thoughts and prayers always!

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Being Out of Balance and Being Mature or How To Survive A Stress Filled Week

Friday, March 19, 2010

Ever feel like you are looking at the world through a bowl full of green Jell-O? Okay you can put your hands down now. Looks like itís been most of us.
Whatís the first thing we usually do? Ok Iíll answer because I am a pro at this. We grab the food of choice. And we grab and we grab and we grab. Then we feel guilty and despondent and then we give up because the almighty cookie, cake or brownie has assumed its control over us once again.

It reminds me of the riddle: Where does a 500 pound gorilla sit in your refrigerator? Any where it wants.

Up until this week my journey into Sparkville has been relatively stress free. Oh Iíve been tempted by that scent of chocolate and the sweet seduction of blackberry cobbler with a pure lard crust has tickled my fancy. I have been strong. I have survived. The past few days I have been looking at the world through Jell-O!

The phone rang at midnight, Wednesday. When the person on the other end begins with ďJohn, this is Joe. (My wifeís twin brother.) Iím afraid I have some bad newsÖÖ..Ē You sort of know he wasnít calling to see how youíre feeling.
In a nutshell Joanís oldest brother died in his sleep sometime between Monday night and Tuesday night. He had been in poor health for the past year, was single and lived alone. The best guess is he had a heart attack and peacefully slept away. So I hang up the phone. I sleep with one eye open, Joan sleeps like a rock. It would be even money if the second coming would wake her up or not.

So I have to wake her. Now imagine how you feel being woken up from a sound sleep to begin with. Imagine being all groggy and having someone tell you your oldest brother just died. Not a good feeling.

My daughters hear her crying, come in our bedroom and suffice to say we were up until four am. Emotional exhaustion causes us to crash for about three hours or so and then Joan gets busy communicating with her remaining seven brothers and sisters who are flung out across the United States. I am trying to reschedule my appointments until next week and well you know how you feel when youíre looking at the world through a bowl full of green Jell-O.
Somewhere in all of this Joanís youngest brother calls to say ďGuess what? He didnít have any life insurance and no other money to speak of.Ē Now grief has a twin, itís called massive stress. You are sitting there and thinking all sorts of evil thoughts about how someone could not have any life insurance, and then you think about the poor guy all alone. You go back and forth. You wonder who is paying for all this and then you mentally slap yourself for thinking like a butt head. Your wife is wondering the same thing only she must feel ten times worse than you do because it is her brother!!!

Why do I share all this?

In the past Iíd head straight for food and rationalize about a five pound gain from the fact that no one should or could blame me for eating. I am under a lot of stress and we just lost a family member and the list goes on and on.

I didnít. There were a couple times I wanted to but I didnít.

See, I think I am genuinely maturing. Yeah I reached age twenty one eons ago but now I am maturing. In the lesser moments I told myself it wasnít worth it and in the most stressful I went down stairs and did some meditation to relax and regain control of myself. I went out and cleaned the garage, picked up junk, picked up the back yard. I have stayed busy. I knew if I didnít stay busy, I would suffer the consequences.

Anyone here recall how Americans grieve? Yup, itís with food and lots of it. Iím not talking about wholesome, whole grain dishes with plenty of veggies. I am talking about Mac and Cheese, strawberry shortcake---------- stuff like that. I could throw my hands up in the air and blame the stars, the cosmos and anyone else who crosses my mind or I could have a plan

Slowly adult John took over. I suspect that for the rest of my natural life, when times of supreme stress arrive and I am looking at the world through green Jell-O I will want to eat. Each time I will be faced with a choice and each time I will succeed. In my mind there is no other option. Itís like breathing.
I am packing my own food. If someone throws a hissy, thatís tough. The good news is one of my sister-in-laws is a vegetarian. I will lean on her. My lap top goes with me so I can track my food and yes we are staying at a hotel with a workout room.
My wife needs my support. I will concentrate on that. I am a lot more mature today then I was a few months ago. The temptation is there but I will not give in. I am on the road to success. Just because I am stuck in some green Jell-O right now is no reason to give in.

I owe many of you a word of thanks. You are the people who have really supported me and encouraged me and when I needed it kicked me in the rear end. It will be a big help.

Like the James Taylor song says ďAint it good to know you got a friendÖ.Ē
I will see you all Monday. Be safe and God bless

I want to apologize if I didnít respond personally to everyone who posted comments on my blogs the past few days. I tried to get to as many of you as I could

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATJAMN 3/22/2010 12:33PM

    I am so sorry for this loss. I am sure this has been a trying time.
Kudos for the self control.
Being there for the wife way more important.


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MARCYNA 3/22/2010 6:10AM

    So sorry for your brother in law, it must have been awful!
I'm admiring your conquered new attitude and rejoice at it. If you made it in extreme circumstance it's something which is now ingrained in your life...anyway my prayers are with you and yesterday at Mass I offered the Lord all the pain, and asked Him to take care of the whole situation. I'm sure He will!!!
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Comment edited on: 3/22/2010 6:12:10 AM

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SAMGERBINE 3/21/2010 12:54AM

    Your family will be in our prayers.

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PINETREEGIRL 3/20/2010 8:33PM

    emoticon

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GREENCAT1 3/20/2010 3:10PM

    John so sorry for your loss. I am so impressed with the way that you take care of others, but never forget to care for yourself. You inspire me. My condolences to you and your family. emoticon

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TSISQUAUSDI 3/19/2010 10:19PM

    John, I'm proud to have you for a Spark Friend - You are a really good person! Kudos to you making good food decisions - You're going to win this battle!

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WANDAH3 3/19/2010 6:17PM

    I'm sure that Joan is really appreciating your comfort and support through all of this. Congratulations on putting temptation in its place.

Thinking of you all,
Hugs,
Wanda

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TINKERBELL200 3/19/2010 6:14PM

    I'm really sorry to hear about your BIL death. I'm praying for peace for you and your whole family, especially your wife. I only have my 1 sister left in my family, so I know it's hard to lose a sibling or parent.
In spite of all the turmoil I think you are weathering quite well John. It sounds like you are indeed making lifestyle changes. It's easy to fall off the wagon, when stress hits us. Hang on and you will continue to succeed! Life is full of choices, and it sounds like you are getting it and making good choices.
God Bless and don't stress!
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Lynne

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AMYTATH 3/19/2010 5:52PM

    Ok...not to make light of this situation but...there is no reason to blame the Mac-n-Cheese!!! lol Sorry...my all time favorite food! =D

You guys know Im thinking about you and you have come along way not to turn food for comfort.

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TNTEACHER2 3/19/2010 5:37PM

    I wish you a calm, but happy family reunion at this sad time. You will see everyone, talk about the brother, and come home feeling a little better. It is always more difficult when we are not prepared for a death, but it hops right out at us. May God be with you.
Marcy

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DIASTER 3/19/2010 2:03PM

  Even in your pain of losing a family member you are teaching us to plan ahead and keep on the right road. Always with grace and wisdom you are keeping us centered. Bless you and your family.

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TAZZAT2003 3/19/2010 12:18PM

    Oh John,
I am so sorry to hear this horrible news. On the other hand I am glad that you somehow found the strength not to slip. I know it may seem like you can justify taking a pit stop but, especially in light of these unfortunate events I am sure you realize how important your decisions are. I will keep you and you family in my prayers I hope that you can find wisdom and peace during this struggle. God be with you. And know that I am here.

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DOLLIE6 3/19/2010 10:41AM

    John, I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I will keep you in my prayers.
I am proud of you for your maturity on handling your food. It seems like if we can keep a grip on one something like that it makes us stronger, to be able to be there for others. I may not be expressing myself like I should but I have a feeling you understand. Be strong, John. We all are rooting for you.

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YOYONOMORE1 3/19/2010 10:07AM

    Thoughts and prayers are with you and Joan and the family. It sounds like mentally you have prepared for the food issue ahead of time, you know it's going to be there, but with your plan I am sure you'll do just fine. With Joan's family coming from all over I am sure there will be a lot of catching up to do with people, it's hard to eat and talk at the same time. Just take care of Joan and yourself.

Hugs,
Shirl

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TRIPLE_EMME 3/19/2010 10:04AM

    John,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your BIL. emoticon

You've devised a good plan to combat the food temptations that may try to lure you down a naughty path. Good luck avoiding the green jello haze.

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CMBELISLE 3/19/2010 9:27AM

    I'm sorry to hear about your BIL - you know you and your family will be in my prayers.

Whenever I have to attend family functions that revolve around food like that, I try to follow a few mental rules - find the fresh veggie tray and pile 'em on (there is almost always one), find the fresh plain fruit (if available), the greasier it looks - the smaller the portion I take, and avoid the desert table. In the south, there are usually things like green beans, lima beans and other veggies available, so I get more of them, even if they are cooked with ham or bacon. I do my best to fill up on the foods with the lowest calorie counts.

Good luck - it was a really good idea to create a plan in advance.

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CRANBERRYKITTY 3/19/2010 8:50AM

    Good job making a plan that includes bringing healthy food choices and going to the gym at the hotel. Maybe you can get outside and go for a walk in the morning too (if it's a nice location). I'm sure you'll be rock for everyone to lean on in this kind of situation, just don't forget that you deserve someone to lean on too.. we're here for ya :)





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NJMATTICE 3/19/2010 8:37AM

    Be safe. Take care.
Love,
Nancy

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WALKNLOVE 3/19/2010 8:35AM

    John, Sooooo sorry for your family's loss. I hope your brother-in-law was a Christian.If so, he is in a better place...a much better place.I pray for all of your family during this difficult time.God will supply all your needs.
Glad to hear you have matured(LOL)...it takes us many years past 21 to get there!Ha!It is good to see you thinking ahead & planning ahead how you will take care of yourself so you don't fall back into an old pattern of doing things.We all know the old way doesn't work and that is what has brought all of us here.
Most of all thanks for being real! Being real is what makes us vulnerable, but it is also what makes us see we are all in this together and we aren't that different.By sharing with each other, we can learn from our successes as well as our failures! Thanks again for sharing and being a spark motivator to so many of us! emoticon

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STORMTMB 3/19/2010 8:32AM

    John,

My sympathy to you and Joan and to her entire family. Blessings to you as you provide comfort and support your wife and as you endure the temptations of food. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers this weekend.

Tina

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FOXEYES2 3/19/2010 8:23AM

  My condolences to the entire family. I wish you all peace and comfort in the days ahead and for you to have the wisdom on how to best support your wife and the rest of her family as well as the wisdom on how to best take care of yourself during this time. Peace.

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AMABILE75 3/19/2010 8:15AM

    John, I am so very sorry for your family's loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

You are such an amazing person. So strong and dedicated. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for helping keep me motivated and for inspiring me. Thank you for showing how dedication really works. Even in the face of such horrible times, you remain dedicated. I am so proud to call you friend. emoticon

You take care of yourself. I know you will be there to support your wife because that is who you are. Just make sure that you take care of YOU too, because if you don't take care of YOU... you can't truly be there for her. emoticon

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Tara

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MOTHERLORI 3/19/2010 8:14AM

    So sorry for your family's loss ~ it's such a difficult time! But I'm so proud of how you've handled it. And I know all about the food during grieving ~ our community loves to shower you with everything to make those bad feelings go away ~ but it just makes you sluggish and nasty feeling. So, it's great to know that you really have found a different way to deal with those horrible feelings. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. Meanwhile, I'll be sending you fruit and veggies in my thoughts as well. emoticon Lori

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Honoring My Commitments or Yeah I Know "Just Do It"

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Itís 4:50 AM. The gym opens in twenty five minutes and I will be there. It simply comes down to the fact that I said I would be there every day for forty minutes. I will be traveling all day to day and by the time I return home, I know I will be tired. I know I wonít change my clothes and head for forty minutes of invigorating cardio!!! So at 4:40 AM I drug myself out of bed and got dressed. Itís cold and I am not quite awake.

Why?

Because I looked myself in the mirror three months ago and said I would. I said Iíd honor the commitment I made to myself. Itís not all hearts and flowers and Spark Goodies. They are nice, they are appreciated and they give us a sense of belonging and friendship.

What kind of friend would I be to you if I didnít honor my commitments? What kind of example of health or motivator do I become if I donít do what I said Iíd do. In that case Iím not even honoring myself.

Thatís the most important thing. I could tell Joan and my friends and the kids that I ďover slept!Ē No one would know. I would. Iíd know I fudged on a commitment and then Iíd start fudging on a lot of other commitments and all of a sudden I am back to where I was three months ago --- lying to myself.

Donít pin an award on my chest. Iím not walking out the door with a huge grin on my face. A very large part of me would rather be under the bed. Iíll do my work out, shower and head for my first appointment of the morning. Iíll get home late this afternoon. No, this was not in my top ten things to do today.

I can lie to you all day and all night and in a lot of respects you would never know. I cant lie to me anymore. I can be something Iím not or I cant say something I donít mean. It is the very small things in life that make up the total fabric of a large and beautiful tapestry. It can be very small actions that push us to great victories or by the same token unravel the whole fabric.

Sorry this is short. I have to honor a commitment I made to myself.

Care to join me?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BTINTERNET 8/12/2010 10:41PM

    I know you wrote this a while ago but I'm only up to here in reading the archive, but I had to say something. Honoring that commitment is SO hard for me - thanks for the gentle shove.

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TINKERBELL200 3/18/2010 9:59PM

    John you are awesome! You are exactly right, you would be lying to yourself. And if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? Keep on keeping on and you will meet your goals! Your doing emoticon!!!! You know you're committed when you just do it anyway, whether you feel like it or not!!!
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Lynne

Comment edited on: 3/18/2010 10:00:19 PM

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GIRANIMAL 3/18/2010 3:27PM

    Bravo! Sometimes it really is just about nose-to-grindstone getting it done. And you did! emoticon emoticon

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TNTEACHER2 3/18/2010 12:35PM

    AS always, John, it hits the spot!

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WORKINGSTIFF 3/18/2010 11:47AM

    I am not, repeat, not an early A.M. exerciser. Made a decision a long time ago that as long as I get the workout in, I have to make it at least bearable for myself, or I won't commit.

Kudos to you for being there for yourself. You are right-no one but you would know your reasons for not getting there.

Thanks for living as an example for the rest of us.

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DOLLIE6 3/18/2010 11:16AM

    You are right John, just do it. No fan fare, no lies, no whinning, just do it.
Thanks for sharing. I hope you had a good day. emoticon emoticon

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TAZZAT2003 3/18/2010 10:42AM

    I have always told everyone I call friend, Honesty is the most important part of any relationship. I think one thing that slips most people's minds is you have a relationship with yourself. If you lie to yourself you are hurting that relationship and possibly other relationships as well. Glad that you are staying committed to yourself. I will not be at the gym this morning but you can bet your britches I will be there this evening.
Have a great day John!

~Jess

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TRIPLE_EMME 3/18/2010 10:27AM

    Wow! Your blog entry is just the kick in the butt that I need.

Thank you!

Yes, I do care to join you!

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KATJAMN 3/18/2010 10:16AM

    AWWWWWWWWWW JOHN --
It wouldn't count if we loved every minute of it!!! LOL
You are so wonderful with words.
Thanks for being you and honoring your commitment!!

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VTORIA3 3/18/2010 9:15AM

    Great blog. Honesty is good and, in fact, a requirement. I can't rah-rah all the time. Some days are just very hard. It's what you do with that to turn it into a positive that counts. We can create our own results. Kudos to you today for sharing your story.

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BIBLIOHOLIC57 3/18/2010 9:15AM

    John, you rock!

I've learned that the time I'd spend arguing/discussing/coaxing myself to NOT exercise is more of a waste of time than just doing it (oh no, I'm paraphrasing NIKE!). And I feel more energetic, happier when I do.

Good for you, and keep it up.

Have a great day!

Annie

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NJMATTICE 3/18/2010 9:05AM

    Keeping promises to yourself. Way to go.
I'll join you and I'll eat a vegetable/grain and bean combination for ya. With a fruit for dessert!
Love,
Nancy

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STORMTMB 3/18/2010 8:08AM

    You make a great point in that once we start breaking commitments in one area of life, they start to slip in all other areas too. Thanks for a great reminder.

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CMBELISLE 3/18/2010 7:54AM

    No matter how much I want to sleep late and/or hit the snooze button, I somehow manage to drag myself out of the bed, up the stairs, change into my workout clothes, get my coffee and hit the bike or elliptical. Once I've done it, I usually feel better and have more energy to face the day. It doesn't mean I like it or want to do it all the time, it's just what I know I NEED to do it. I can face the day better and even though I often exercise longer since I switched to exercising first, I have found that I can usually make it to work earlier too. Being true to yourself is the biggest priority we all have - it's absolutely amazing how easy that is to forget.

BTW - I was on the bike at 4:45am, so you could say that I already joined you.

Comment edited on: 3/18/2010 7:56:12 AM

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WANDAH3 3/18/2010 7:50AM

    John, Amabile75 said it so well. Yep, we might fight and argue and drag ourselves to do our exercises...but we sure do feel great once they are done. It's the honoring our commitment to change our lifestyle and become a healthier person that gives us such an energy boost.

Have a great day.

Hugs,
Wanda

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KLEONIKI 3/18/2010 7:48AM

    Totally with you!
See ya there! emoticon

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AMABILE75 3/18/2010 7:46AM

    One that that always amazed me is how even on those days you drag your butt kicking and screaming to the gym, the entire time fighting with yourself, trying to force yourself to turn around and skip today.... after you finish your workout you feel so great! Sometimes I feel even better because on those days I not only feel great for getting in a good workout... but for doing it when I really did not want to!! Way to go!!

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DOLLBABE56 3/18/2010 7:21AM

    You'll be glad you did go exercise when you get there. And you will also be proud and confident for the rest of your day. Now, to get myself up and motivated too!

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MARCYNA 3/18/2010 7:11AM

    Join you, join you!!!!...made it to the gym yesterday and ordered my costume for the show.
Me on stage is a committment to SP.
Love, thanks for being an example emoticon emoticon

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KATIEGLEN012 3/18/2010 6:44AM

    You are bound to have a great day...since you got off to such a good start. Being true to yourself is an important part of having a good day!

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JNNANNE 3/18/2010 6:13AM

    I think you've nailed it on the head - we can lie, excuse, explain away almost anything to others, but you can't get away with lying to yourself. Congratulations and keep up the great work!

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The Journey To Health and It's Decisions

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Before I began this journey towards health I lived under the misperception that there were all kinds of things and people that I needed in my life. I clung to that notion like a drowning man clings to a life raft. I drew lines in the sand. Either you were for me or you were against me. If you were for me, you had better agree with what I say. If you didnít, well you were history. What you had to say contained little to no value if you made the choice to not agree with me. Of course I never spoke any of it out loud. It all swirled around in my head and the harder it swirled, well the more I ate. My name is John and I am an emotional eater.

HappyÖÖÖÖ. Pass the pasta. SadÖÖÖÖ. Send in the burger, fries and beer. AnxiousÖÖÖÖ there is a cake with my name on it someplace. I clung to those beliefs with a tight fist. We all do. We all have those beliefs inside of us that motivate us. Yes I said motivate us, but in the wrong way. Instead of pulling us closer to a healthy life style they push us further away. They teach us to say the right thing so that everyone around us nods and smiles. Thatís because we are scared that if those people knew what went on inside of our heads they may not like us. My name is John and I get scared.

Sometimes I am scared of being scared. Some days Iím scared and I donít know what I am scared of but Iím so used to being scared that itís just ďwhat I do.Ē I canít tell you any of that. You may not care for me, or support me or cheer for me. Itís all about control.

Then there came a cross roads of sorts. Itís time to go one way or another. ďTimeĒ that voice said inside of me. ďTime to let go.Ē My name is John and I was petrified.
I know how to be fat. I know misery and I know people that will tell me anything I want to hear just so Iíll go away. Let go? There are people who ďsayĒ they care but in the end their actions speak differently.

I let go. For me it was one freaked out moment.

Health in every way shape and form means that I let go of the toxic and embrace that which challenges me to grow. As long as we cling to the toxic, whether itís a food, a thought or a person, then we are only fooling ourselves. We live in a society that encourages us to be toxic, to make excuses and to deal with symptoms and not diseases. If you donít believe me go into a book store and look what two sections are the largest? They are the sections on dieting and on self help. We are encouraged to get smaller and smarter without really ever coming to know ourselves or the person sitting next to us. We are encouraged to polarize.

This whole Spark process breaks that mold. It tells us to be healthy and to be happy. But I learned in my own life that until I consented to let go and let other people help me attain those two goals I would never reach them. Itís meant I had to admit that my way wasnít always the best way and that there were other people who knew more than me.

The amazing thing is that as I dig deep I am less and less concerned with food. I find myself stressing less and less about what I eat because what goes in my mouth is benchmarked against the growing sense of excellence I have concerning myself. What I work on with a dizzying diligence is my perception of my health and establishing relationships with people who can help me do that. I am breaking the mold.

There are people who do not have my best interest at heart and I had to say good bye to them. It hurt, it was painful but at age fifty six I figure I got a good fifty years left and there is a bunch of stuff I want to do. I am not ready to concede. This chrysalis I have experienced is due in large part to you who sit and read this. If I was the kind of person who liked to embarrass other people Iíd name you one by one and then write forever about the unique part of you that you have shared with me. Yes, I made the choice to listen to you. I get a gold star for that, but it was you, right there, sipping your coffee or water that helped me learn to let go by your life.

The past is behind us and beyond our grasp. Time to let go of old ways and come into the healing light of healthy self awareness.

In the most sincere sense of the word, I love you all.

Itís only been three months. My God how good will it feel in three years?

Have a blessed day.



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRANBERRYKITTY 3/18/2010 9:44PM

    Hey John,

I'm right there with you on this one. I love to help other people but accepting that I need help from others or that I'm wrong about something is so, so difficult.

Being able to write about my feelings and see that there's someone else out there who has the same reactions makes this whole thing a lot less scary.

Thanks,
Sydney

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GRAMMABENJI 3/18/2010 12:29AM

    you have such amazing blogs. you write well and share your feelings with all of us.

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KATJAMN 3/17/2010 5:36PM

    Hey John,
another great blog.
I love this process of self awareness, I also hate this process of self awareness. LOL
Thank you so much for you words of wisdom and strength.
I do believe we are gonna make it!!!

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WANDAH3 3/17/2010 4:40PM

    Thank you for your wisdom and for sharing it with the rest of us.

Hugs,
Wanda

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TRIPLE_EMME 3/17/2010 3:18PM

    John,

Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

I love you, Sparkfriend!

emoticon

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_RAMONA 3/17/2010 12:41PM

    "...as I dig deep I am less and less concerned with food."

BRILLIANT!

{{{
{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}
Ramona

Comment edited on: 3/17/2010 4:52:44 PM

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STORMTMB 3/17/2010 12:32PM

    "Health in every way shape and form means that I let go of the toxic and embrace that which challenges me to grow. As long as we cling to the toxic, whether itís a food, a thought or a person, then we are only fooling ourselves."

Your words spoke to me, John. Nothing that I can explain here, but the Voice from above has used 2 or 3 people to deliver this message. Pretty soon I'm going to get slapped upside the head... As always, thanks for your words of wisdom.

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ALICEELIZABETH4 3/17/2010 12:29PM

  Hi John, I am new here. I read your blog for the first time today. I, too, have come to the realization that I need help to live a healthy lifestyle that is also full and meaningful. I have been used up so to speak in meeting the needs of everyone around me and have noticed that when I hear feedback they are mostly allowing me to help to make me feel good about me, and that feed back blew me away! I have been wearing myself out to help those that don't really need help except maybe in the drama department. With the help of my medical doctor, I am starting the first day of my healthy lifestyle journey today. Thank you for your blog. I look forward to hearing more.

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BECCALYNN75 3/17/2010 11:50AM

    These two sentences really stood out to me:

(1) We live in a society that encourages us to be toxic, to make excuses and to deal with symptoms and not diseases.
(2) This whole Spark process breaks that mold. It tells us to be healthy and to be happy.

I think this is what I had to "get my head around" too. For me it became the line in my signature "Taking responsibility and not allowing excuses". Some of those were my excuses, some from others who may have meant well, and some from society in general.

Another great blog John! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly and wish I could express myself half as well.

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MOTHERLORI 3/17/2010 11:25AM

    Happiness is a choice ~ I always try to surround myself with happy people, so when I'm choosing not to be happy, they remind me, it's my choice. That's why I always read your blog John, you understand what so many people don't, how we live our life is our choice, how we deal with our emotions is our choice, how we overcome our difficulties is our choice. I appreciate your choices! Lori emoticon emoticon

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TNTEACHER2 3/17/2010 10:50AM

    Another good one, John.

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GREENCAT1 3/17/2010 10:37AM

    John - I am sitting here in tears. Your blog was exactly what I needed to hear today. For some reason I am feeling overwhelmed by all of the major changes and little changes that I have been making and that I have ahead of me yet. I feel that I am at a fork in the road and I either cling to the old, comfortable ways and live with the consequences, or bravely walk into the unknown and embrace health. I don't think I can live to my fullest potential and do all of the things that I am led to do if I back out now. Your words speak to my heart and have given me some strength on a day when I surely need it. Thank you for sharing.....

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CMBELISLE 3/17/2010 10:32AM

    Fear can be a great paralyzer and when we work toward leaving our "comfort zone" we are often afraid. However, living a successful and happy life often requires us to leave that zone.

As usual, another great blog.

Hope you're having a great week!

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TKRINER 3/17/2010 10:01AM

    Thank you for your blog. It's very insightful.

Feel the fear, do it anyway. - Jillian Micheles

When I start to get scared I remember this quote.

Hugs, Tami

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YOYONOMORE1 3/17/2010 9:56AM

    John, you are an amazing person and a great inspiration, you certainly do have a way with words that reach out to us and help us want to continue this journey together. A very Happy St. Patrick's Day to you and Joan, I take it this is a day of celebrating in your home. Keep the blogs coming.

Hugs
Shirl

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TAZZAT2003 3/17/2010 9:50AM

    For me it has been just over a month. However, in that month I have grown so much. A lot of that growth has been because of you, John. When I first read your blog I was in "Aww". Your honesty, your optimism and your sincerity touched my heart. I thought to myself, "I wish I could be optimistic like him. I wish I had something profound to say that would have a positive impact on someone's life." Then, one day, it just happened.(I believe it was the day you posted about choosing to be happy.) I decided to be happy. Now, more often then not there is a big smile on my face and I am sharing my experience with others. I do not know for sure but, I like to think that I too have been able to positively impact someone's life.
The journey to health and happiness is long but, always know that you have got a friend here, always.

In light of the occasion:

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the rains fall soft upon your fields,
And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
emoticon

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AMYTATH 3/17/2010 9:28AM

    John!!! This is so totally what I did about 9 months ago...you might not know this to talk to me now but I used to be one of the most pessimistic people you would have ever met! Life was out to get me, everyone I really talked to had drama and life was just drama. Stuff at home was hard and I always thought about the negative. Then I was reading one day and one sentence caught my attention and changed my life. "If you only think and dwell on the negative, negative is all you will see." It went on to explain that negative thinking brings about negativity. Instead of THINKING about the negative, find the positive and think and talk about that.

OMG it changed my life. Yes, life happens and sometimes its negative but if you find the positive you can still be happy with life. I don't associate with the people who only want to talk about the fight they had with someone, or how they hate their job and the people they work with...ect. My home life is better, my JOB is better. It was even reflected on the annual evaluation I got at work about a week ago.

Thinking positively and surrounding yourself with people who are positive brings positivity in your own life!!! I live by this now!

Have a great day John!!!
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KLEONIKI 3/17/2010 9:27AM

    Yes, yes!
I can relate to this blog too... My words, are accurately spoken by you dear John!

It is soothing to find another one of one's kind...

But It is better if after THE CHANGE had taken place , the relation could continue to exist! This is the challenge for me!
To be able to exchange words even out of points- rewarding mode, to have the interest to share even though some or all of us have reached the goal aimed... In other words to become FRIENDS.

Good luck with you journey!
Keep on the good job!
K



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NJMATTICE 3/17/2010 9:16AM

    You'll feel thinner. That's my guess.
For me it has been a process of allowing myself to mature. (grow up) I can still be child-like but have to let go of the childish. I was clinging to the dependent side of my nature. Dependent on everyone else but myself to get my needs met. That way I could blame others for my unhappiness. Spouse, family, food, alcohol, cigarettes whatever or whoever. I was a victim. Poor me.
The phrase that resonated with me this fine St. Paddy's day morn with the bright sun on my shoulder, (run on sentence, my favorite literary device) is this:

"growing sense of excellence"

A nice term for high self-esteem. I like it. I'm taking it with me. Here's what my Spark Journey has taught me.
Self Esteem is build one healthy choice at a time. Every time that I do the work, make the hard choice, keep the promise that I have made to myself, my self esteem grows. With good self esteem, good choices become easier to make.
Distilling this has given me the simplicity that I need to succeed. And finally becoming a "responsible adult" has given me a terrific quality of life. I'm the boss. I'm large an in charge and I love it.

You have inspired me to be verbose. You are doing great. You are also Large and In Charge my friend. Have a great day. Erin go bragh or whatever that means.
Love,
Nancy

Comment edited on: 3/17/2010 9:17:22 AM

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AMABILE75 3/17/2010 9:15AM

    emoticon We are right here to walk this path with you. Some days we may decide to take the quick direct route, while others we want to take the scenic route and make a few stops along the way. We're here at your pace, on your time table, when you need us. emoticon You are simply amazing!! Three months... wow! In three years NOTHING will be able to hold you back! :)

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Thanks for all of the support you continue to give me on my blogs & my page. Your support has truly made a difference in my life. emoticon

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MARCYNA 3/17/2010 8:40AM

    Hi John, what you've written is all about me - and I'm sure my name's on everything with 'chocolate' on it.
BTW I'm thinking I might as well CHANGE the people I hang on with.
Just as I'm starting to change the food I eat, I need to let go of wrong people.
Lots of love,
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/17/2010 8:45:37 AM

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BUGGYS 3/17/2010 8:15AM

    OMG! I could have written this blog...thank you for putting all of my feelings into words...you made my day...you have such a great attitude and you will reach your goal emoticon emoticon

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