Fear Strikes Out

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Reasons why I Shouldn’t Go To Swim Class Today – Monday October 22

1. I hate new things, things I can’t control
2. I do not trust the instructor
3. I’m claustrophobic
4. I’m 59, I’ve gotten by this far without really knowing how to swim
5. No one will save me if I start to drown
6. Other people in the pool will laugh at me
7. I’ll have an anxiety attack
8. What if I can’t breathe once I put my head in the water
9. I could use the time in more effective ways.

I couldn’t think of a tenth one and my well defined sense of order was driving me crazy!!! I’d dreaded it all weekend. My first ACTUAL swimming class, the one where we’d learn to breathe under water. There are few things that terrify me more than being under water. After Fridays initial assessment at my lumbering attempt to swim Julia told me it would be a good idea to get some swimming goggles. They’d keep the chlorine from burning my eyes. I waited until late Monday morning hoping against hope that there wouldn’t be the right pair for me and then I could call and cancel and abusage my guilt and anxiety with a bag of orange slices. I walked around with a note pad and kept writing reasons why I shouldn’t go. Maybe I could pretend to be sick?It was quite an internal battle. I kept pushing forward and each time I’d make a small step forward the anxiety monster would pop up and beat me with this huge hammer. As I was sitting on the bench waiting for Julia all the previous swim lessons in my life started floating in front of me, all the failures and botched attempts at doing anything.

Julia came bouncing out of the locker room and took off her sweats “Time to rock and roll. How ya doing today?”

“I’m scared.”

Julia flexed her arm and squeezed her bicep. “Don’t worry John, I’m strong enough. I won’t let you drowned!” I thought this is where I was supposed to get a hug or something?

It’s really kind of funny, you know, because after about fifteen minutes of doing exactly what she told me to do I suddenly realized I was swimming. I wasn’t David Phelps but I was displacing water in a relatively smooth fashion. I let someone have control. Julia clapped her hands and jumped up and down. (I didn’t tell you the child is terminally perky!!)

It dawned on me later Monday evening that my first reason for not wanting to come back is the main reason I don’t do a lot of things. “I hate new things I can’t control.” Between us good friends I hate anything I can’t control so I rationalize not doing things for a host of really valid excuses. (Well at least they are valid in my mind.) I’d like to tell you that I conquered my fear of water and there is a wreath of birds chirping above my head as I walk through life. I have not conquered my fear of water but come Friday at 2:30 I’ll be waiting for Julia on the bench and we’ll do another lesson. Between now and then maybe I’m going to look at some of the other things that petrify me and start dealing with them. Care to join me?

Namaste

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The Little But Oh So Important Things

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I have a lot of friends here at Spark. I'm not bragging just reflecting on how very fortunate I am to be able to sample life's buffet table from all different perspectives. From the very athletic to the beginners I can always find someone to get me gong at the right moment.

I found a friend here that's relatively new to Spark. She blogs daily and if you read her blogs they are short, sweet and to the point. She drinks eight glasses of water each day. She walks or jogs three days a week. She exercises. Like you and I she has to tweak her diet plan to stay on track and like you and I she has challenges. Nothing really exotic, just the meat and potatoes of health.

She ended her blog today by asking "What's everyone elses goals for the day?" Gee, lol, that's right, I have to do this every day. Years ago I had a boss who used to remind me "Take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves." The proof is in the pudding?

Thank you my new and dear friend for sharing part of your journey today. It's just what I needed.

Namaste

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Right Here, Right Now

Monday, October 22, 2012

It's no fun being over weight. Whether its fifteen pounds or one hundred pounds we seem to have an internal radar that compares us to other people and I've found that shaky self confidence often goes hand in hand with obesity. We feel pressured dont we? Pressured to be like everyone else. Oh, I know, publicly we spout off mantras that suggest we're our own person and we NEVER, did I say NEVER compare ourselves to others. (I know double negative but its my blog, my rules, lol) Then why do we exist in varying degrees of misery? Why do so many of us fail and give up? If we didnt listen to all the chatter that steadily hums in the background would we be successful?

Each morning I do a short guided meditation to start my day. It guides me into the present, the now. This is vital for me. I usually get out of bed with my mind whirling and in short order I'm stuck in a ditch somewhere feeling tense, frustrated and anxious. This morning my mind moved to that feeling of self judgment I get when I start comparing myself to other people. My first impulse is to panic and try something very radical to get me where I perceive to the need to be in a hurry. I might look at all the Spark success stories on the log in page and tell myself "You need to amp it up John." My mind moves me towards activity and that activity usually goes beyond my bodies capability.

As I allowed my body to relax I had this image of a cut on one of my fingers. I stood before my doctor and said, "I cut my finger, could your amputate my hand?" The inner John laughed but there was an amazing wisdom in that image. How often do I engage my over kill instinct because I perceive myself to be "less than." I have to catch up quick and rather than wait for some healing I employ drastic measures only to find myself with even more issues that I began with.

Close your eyes for just a moment and focus on right here, right now. You'll be glad you did. Warts and all you are an amazing person living in a most amazing time.

And here we are.

Namaste dear ones

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There Is Less of Me To Love This Week and I Really Don't Mind

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I lost 3.2 pounds this past week. Even I was surprised. I sat here for a few moments and tried to reach out and capture some pearl of wisdom to share with you that caused that type of loss. I apologize, I simply can't. I can't come up with anything other than I've stuck to the three goals I set for myself a few months back.

I stayed within my calorie limits.
I exercised for 30 minutes 6 days per week.
I practice mindful meditation at least once daily for 10 minutes.

There's a fourth and its hard to capture in words but I will try.

My daughters stopped over with a pizza last night. It was thin crust with cheese and veggies. I didnt stress. We hadn't planned anything for dinner. I had three slices. I was content and was well within my calorie limits. Did I say I didnt stress? What was important is the time I spent around the table with my wife and daughters. I may never have that moment again and I know what you're thinking "You could have sat there and not eaten." Yeah, probably, but I wouldnt have had as much fun. I know the plan I am following is a good one. I know I'll stumble and fall and I know one day I'll reach my goal weight. In the interim if life allows a few slices of veggie pizza into my universe so be it.

Yeah, I know we had the cookie fiasco earlier this week but we dealt with it. And really, isnt that what life is, dealing with stuff? So no worries, right now. I'm sure someday soon I'll have them again. This morning I just want to enjoy the 3.2 pound loss.

"We just get one ride around the sun in this dream of time.
It goes so fast that one day we look back and we ask:
Was that my life?"
Jo dee Messina

Namaste

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Caught In The Act Part Two

Friday, October 19, 2012

I try to limit my blogs to 500 words. I've found as a writer you obey the old adage "You tell someone what time it is, you don't tell them how to build a watch." It's the reason I wish we could all sit around a large virtual table, share a beverage and our thoughts. I don't always get my point across in a clear manner. (I have this compulsion to entertain people. )

The point I was trying to make yesterday was that in the old days I would have rationalized NOT throwing the cookies away. I would have convinced myself that with people going to bed hungry each night it was my moral duty to eat those cookies. Once they were gone I'd find a reason to buy more, along with cakes, candy and the like. The fact that I drug my sorry butt out of bed at 2 AM to throw them away shows real progress on my part.

I cant have sweets in the house. I simply run amuck when I do. It is, as they say, what it is. It was a huge step towards mindfulness to remove them right then and there along with the fruit slices I didnt tell you about A grape and a cookie can be sitting side by side and I'll grab the cookie every time, if it's there.

Joan finally spoke on the issue and told me she believed I wanted to get caught or I would have tossed them when she wasnt home.

This is a huge step for me and I wanted to share it with you because I know some of you struggle with the same issues and I want you to know I do to. So do lots of other people. But there is hope!!! If I can hang in there, so can you!!!

There!!! LOL What time is it?

Namaste

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