Monday, October 22, 2012
It's no fun being over weight. Whether its fifteen pounds or one hundred pounds we seem to have an internal radar that compares us to other people and I've found that shaky self confidence often goes hand in hand with obesity. We feel pressured dont we? Pressured to be like everyone else. Oh, I know, publicly we spout off mantras that suggest we're our own person and we NEVER, did I say NEVER compare ourselves to others. (I know double negative but its my blog, my rules, lol) Then why do we exist in varying degrees of misery? Why do so many of us fail and give up? If we didnt listen to all the chatter that steadily hums in the background would we be successful?
Each morning I do a short guided meditation to start my day. It guides me into the present, the now. This is vital for me. I usually get out of bed with my mind whirling and in short order I'm stuck in a ditch somewhere feeling tense, frustrated and anxious. This morning my mind moved to that feeling of self judgment I get when I start comparing myself to other people. My first impulse is to panic and try something very radical to get me where I perceive to the need to be in a hurry. I might look at all the Spark success stories on the log in page and tell myself "You need to amp it up John." My mind moves me towards activity and that activity usually goes beyond my bodies capability.
As I allowed my body to relax I had this image of a cut on one of my fingers. I stood before my doctor and said, "I cut my finger, could your amputate my hand?" The inner John laughed but there was an amazing wisdom in that image. How often do I engage my over kill instinct because I perceive myself to be "less than." I have to catch up quick and rather than wait for some healing I employ drastic measures only to find myself with even more issues that I began with.
Close your eyes for just a moment and focus on right here, right now. You'll be glad you did. Warts and all you are an amazing person living in a most amazing time.
And here we are.
Namaste dear ones
Friday, October 19, 2012
I try to limit my blogs to 500 words. I've found as a writer you obey the old adage "You tell someone what time it is, you don't tell them how to build a watch." It's the reason I wish we could all sit around a large virtual table, share a beverage and our thoughts. I don't always get my point across in a clear manner. (I have this compulsion to entertain people. )
The point I was trying to make yesterday was that in the old days I would have rationalized NOT throwing the cookies away. I would have convinced myself that with people going to bed hungry each night it was my moral duty to eat those cookies. Once they were gone I'd find a reason to buy more, along with cakes, candy and the like. The fact that I drug my sorry butt out of bed at 2 AM to throw them away shows real progress on my part.
I cant have sweets in the house. I simply run amuck when I do. It is, as they say, what it is. It was a huge step towards mindfulness to remove them right then and there along with the fruit slices I didnt tell you about A grape and a cookie can be sitting side by side and I'll grab the cookie every time, if it's there.
Joan finally spoke on the issue and told me she believed I wanted to get caught or I would have tossed them when she wasnt home.
This is a huge step for me and I wanted to share it with you because I know some of you struggle with the same issues and I want you to know I do to. So do lots of other people. But there is hope!!! If I can hang in there, so can you!!!
There!!! LOL What time is it?
Thursday, October 18, 2012
I know what you are going to say before you say it. Intellectually I agree with you. I should keep a cadre of fresh fruits and veggies handy. I should phone a friend.
Side Note: As long as Spark has been around I really wish they had a "chat" option. There are days I could really use the interaction with other people who encounter the same obstacles and yes, I have suggested it
Yes, I know I have been at this long enough to know all the danger signs. Okay, now that we've gotten past that........... on with the show.
I didnt lose any weight last week. I didnt gain any either. You know what that meant dont you, lol, I did something wrong? I examined my food plan. It was good to go. Exercise, sleep and mindfulness issues all on target. It had to be me. Maybe I was eating too much...........Ahhhhhhhhhh that's it!!! I'll cut back.
I was very careful about what went into my mouth this week. (My weigh in day is Saturday.) I was hungry all the time but I rationalized it was punishment for my alleged yet unseen sins. I was at the grocery yesterday and I spied a box of cookies. They were small cookies and a "few" wouldnt hurt me. So I purchased the box and stored it in a desk drawer. I didnt say I hid it I said I stored it! (I realize none of you have ever done this so I am quite sure you're shocked at my behavior!!!) When I got hungry I'd snag a cookie.......... okay maybe two............ALRIGHT maybe five. Hey, I was hungry!!!
I woke up at two this morning feeling guilty about the cookies and what it said about me as a person, etc. Quietly I went down to my office and opened the desk drawer. I went to the kitchen and prepared to dump them in the trash when Joan appeared in the kitchen doorway and said "What are you doing?!?!" I now know what a man feels like when he is caught in the arms of another woman. There we were, me and my cookies, hiding out.
"I was throwing them away," I said meekly.
Joan didnt say anything. She started to three or four times but finally went back upstairs. I tried to explain at breakfast but she told me it was okay. Some moments in life are sacred.
The diet myth is one that's hard to bust. We preach about health and balance yet as soon as we dont see the progress our minds envision we freak out. It was a good lesson for me and I'm going to Kroger soon to get fruit. Joan just keeps shaking her head.
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