Monday, September 10, 2012
Yesterday my mind monkeys wouldn’t let go. No matter how many bananas I tossed them they rode the edges of my brain whispering all sorts of negative mantras. You see, I had just stepped off the scale with ONLY (lol) a 2.2 pound loss. It certainly wasn’t the seven pound loss from the week before.
I was slipping back into old patterns and behaviors, wasn’t I?
I had walked this road before only to stumble and skin my knee and remain, well remain FAT.
At least that’s what those monkeys swinging from my synaptic junctions kept telling me. We’re hard wired for the negative. Everything in our world screams “Make you better.” When we fall short of whatever better is, usually on the cover of US and People, we slip into a state of depression and the monkeys go wild. At least mine do. Yesterday I tossed them a few emotional bananas and while it didn’t totally satisfy them it quieted them down long enough for me to have a really good day that didn’t revolve around what I put in my mouth.
My clothing has begun to fit better. It’s not baggy or anything like that. Let’s say it’s less snug. I noticed it around mid-week. This road has been traveled well too. The mind says something like “Ooooooo you’re gonna weigh in with a huge loss!!” The day comes to weigh in and you want to see if your scale is broken. “But never mind, ignore the nice feeling lose clothes give you it was ONLY 2.2 pounds.”
In reality whatever I am doing is starting to work. I’m following the path of my September goals; portion control, thirty minutes of movement or exercise each day and ten minutes of quiet time each day.
The week following a huge loss is like winning the Super Bowl or the World Series. What do you do the next week; lose eight pounds, then nine the next and suddenly you are on life support? There is a lot of pressure to succeed and when we put it on ourselves only one thing is going to happen; someone finds the key, opens the door and the mind monkeys go wild.
I sat at church yesterday and heard the beautiful gospel reading about Jesus curing the man who was deaf and mute. He uttered the words “Be Open.” The monkeys quieted down. He asked that we open ourselves and our lives to everything that comes our way, good, bad or indifferent. In this story he opens us up to all sorts of possibilities if we only stop for a few minutes and really listen to them.
I am 2.2 pounds lighter, my clothes fit better, I am sleeping better and I am more alert and much more active. When I sit and close my eyes those are the images that dance before my eyes.
Sunday, September 09, 2012
As cats go Mickey wasn’t with us very long. A little over five years after we rescued him he became listless and wouldn’t eat. He spit up a lot. The vet gave him the once over and closed the door to the examining room. I’ve seen that look before. Over 39 years we’ve had four dogs and four cats. Based on the blood work his determination was Mickey suffered from pancreatic cancer. There was a large mass in his abdomen. Treatment was expensive and had about a ten percent success rate. This type of cancer was extremely rare in cats.
We were shocked and not quite ready to part with Mickey, so we bundled him up, made an appointment to have him euthanized the next morning. We took him home. He slept with us that evening, lying at the foot of the bed, curled up in a ball. I didn’t sleep too well and when my anxiety washed over me, trying to figure out why this poor cat had to suffer I would hear a soft “meow.” Somehow, for some reason I couldn’t explain until today, it soothed me. Lying there in pain; Mickey was sending me a message that it was going to be okay.
This morning at church I thought about Mickey and his soft “meow.” Amidst the choir trying to reach a decibel level not known to man, readers reading, and preachers preaching I closed my eyes, a bit perturbed at all the noise. As I sat there I heard that divine “meow,” so soft and gentle like a rain washing over me. There was a moment of warmth, security and peace and then a bit of a chuckle inside as I saw the voice of God through my long gone cat and again as The Scripture says in the whispering of the wind.
Saturday, September 08, 2012
A strong cold front blew through late last night and so we were able to open the windows this morning for the first time in what seemed like months. I sat in my chair and began my morning meditation period. I try to take ten minutes each morning to open myself to what is present inside of me andto the workings of God within me.
As I relaxed I became aware of a breeze blowing gently across my face and upper body and the thought rolled through my mind that within that breeze lie the breath of God. My inner self smiled a bit. I asked myself how many times I’d shook my fist at heavens and asked God to “show himself!!!”
He’s been there all along, just as the scripture says, in the whispering of the wind.
Thursday, September 06, 2012
My journey towards health has included a really hard look at the things that upset my sense of balance and wholeness. I’m sure you have them too and when we stop and look at them we discover they are the tiny and inconsequential issues, like a penny on a rail track that seem to dislodge our sense of balance and equilibrium.
My sister-in-law posted a comment on Facebook that I disagreed with. As Joan will tell you I’ve never met a discussion I didn’t like. I usually jump in with both feet, as I did with this one. Apparently my sister-in-law took so much issue with my comment that she decided to no longer be my friend on Facebook. I have to admit, it hurt.
I went to the bank to deposit a check shortly after I found out I’d been kicked to the curb, lol. The teller in the drive thru is an old friend. I asked her if she was behaving and she laughed. “I never behave John. I’m the black sheep. You know what that’s like. You’re one yourself.”
What the He** did that mean?
I drive away wondering if there is some cosmic and karmic plot to derail my bliss. But, ahhhhhhhhh, instead of grabbing a cookie or pie or putting on a disguise and slinking down the narrow carbohydrate alley of sin, I took three or four deep breaths smiled inwardly and went on with my day. I nodded a prayer of gratitude to the Divine within me and realized I am one fortunate person………. For a lot of reasons.
The door swings both ways, doesn’t it? Those little things that often send us into a tailspin can also be the things that keep us on course.
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