Becoming "Undependent"

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

My wife looked over my shoulder as I typed the heading and said, ‘Are you sure “undependant” is a word?”

I laughed. “It is now.”

I am a dependant person. In many ways I depend on the good things in my life. They are as someone once said “the fabric that is me.” They are my family, my friends, both three dimensional and virtual. They are my principles and my values. They are my compass. Without them I just drift.

I have struggled with my weight for what seems like a life time. My self esteem was tied to that number. If it went down I was wonderful. If it went up I was a complete and total failure which meant it was time to bring out the donuts, which meant thirty minutes later I was in a sugar induced state of depression contemplating my total and complete lack of value. I was so ashamed. Here I am this bright eloquent, charming person, who is so quick to help others and he can’t even help himself. I would look in the mirror and I would avert my eyes. If you really knew me you would hate me.

I was dependant on a number of things but mostly the scale. It ruled my life. Ever go weigh yourself before you decided whether to have a candy bar or a piece of fruit? Ever get to feeling kind of shaky and go to the scale to make yourself feel better? Ever go buy a new scale because the perfectly good one you have had for only a month, “just couldn’t be right?”

I would begin a diet and my total and complete self esteem was tied in to “the number.” If it was a big one, I would do the happy dance. If it was a gain I questioned my entire worth. I would dread weigh in day. I was dependant.
I don’t feel that way anymore. Yes, I am conscious of what the scale says. It just doesn’t control me the way it used to. How come?

In the past three months I have worked very hard on discovering myself. As one of my Spark Friends said, “Flying high sure beats digging deep.” Amen. It’s nice to stand up and cheer, give yourself gold stars when things are going well. It’s difficult to dig the foundation to sustain those wonderful feelings. But every time we find some dingy old box in our metaphorical basement shouldn’t we give ourselves a gold star anyway?

What was I really saying when I looked in the mirror? I was questioning my value as a human being. It wasn’t about the additional hundred pounds hanging off my frame it was the lack of value I saw in myself. This stunned me because I have always prided myself on being positive and upbeat and all that other cool stuff. It was a wakeup call.

I am working very hard on being happy. The weight loss is a manifestation of my happiness. Yes, I weigh once a week, but with each successive week I am less and less dependent on what that number says. I am building confidence in what I do during the week. I am beginning to know that if I follow “my plan” I will get good results.

I believe in me. I believe in what I am doing. I spend forty minute each day exercising. I would like it to be at the same time each day but it always isn’t. Some people I know tell me I should push myself harder, do more, be more. I will, when I am ready for it.

I have a plan and my plan allows me to grow which allows me to shrink. I couldn’t have done it without starting to live a complete life that wasn’t dependant on a lot of negative factors.

My journey is blessed by my family, by my friends and by this wonderful process I have embraced.

I am “Undependent.”

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAINBOWMF 3/13/2010 7:32PM

to working on you! You write great blogs. Report Inappropriate Comment

WANNABTHIN02 3/11/2010 7:23AM

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

GEINAHG0757 3/9/2010 1:07PM

Your blogs are SO powerful! (I have "lurked" them for a while courtesy of Annie - BIBLIOHOLIC57... ) This one really hit home with me. I just accomplished a huge goal I had set for myself and am left with the "Now What's?" I fell off the wagon BIG time the last time I met a goal. Your idea of being UNdependent on anything except your self motivation and your PLAN is what I am going to hold onto from here forward. Thank you for sharing - it means a lot. (P.S. YOUR plan is working - go, go, GO!) Report Inappropriate Comment

SPARKENISTA 3/9/2010 11:51AM

I know I always look for the easy way out, and certainly hopping on the scale is just that. It's a shortcut. It's more difficult to ask myself whether I have been true to myself in following my program. It's easier than measuring with a tape measure. Measuring self esteem by the number on the scale is the easy way out, too. Becoming "undependent" is an amazing way to disconnect from the easy way out and tune in to the more important issues that are really driving us. Thank you for this! Report Inappropriate Comment

DEWBERRYJAMIE 3/9/2010 11:36AM

Great blog post. Becoming undependant of the scale is such a huge step in your journey. I wish I has your courage, becuase my scale calls to me every morning. Thank you for sharing such insightful thoughts!! Jamie Report Inappropriate Comment

TRIPLE_EMME 3/9/2010 11:26AM

I think that becoming "undependent" on the scale is a huge sign of progress (on so many levels!). Report Inappropriate Comment

STORMTMB 3/9/2010 11:16AM

Well, between you and another Spark friend, WorkingStiff, I was slapped upside the head twice already this morning. I'm thinking of signing off before I get beat up any further!!! I have been overweight so long that I can't remember a time when I wasn't. All I remember is my Mom bribing me to lose weight. She still hedges there occasionally. My weight has always defined me - or at least been an excuse for whatever I couldn't do. I like what you said that I am happy now and the other things follow. I have to work on that. Just like the motivation I discussed yesterday. The happiness has to come from within or else I won't be happy even when I lose the weight. Thanks once again for saying it like it is and giving me good stuff to think about. I always look forward to your insights. Have a great day - and a healthy one. Tina Report Inappropriate Comment

CMBELISLE 3/9/2010 10:22AM

Whether or not I comment on your blogs, I read it every time you post. I see bits and pieces of me in you, whether now or previously. I'm growing and learning and still have lots of digging to do, but as you say about pushing yourself hard, I'll do the digging as I'm ready to make those discoveries. Thanks for sharing! Report Inappropriate Comment

TAZZAT2003 3/9/2010 9:52AM

Good luck, John! Keep that positive attitude. I know you know but, do not forget...what works for others may not work for you. You are the one trying to make a change. You are the one looking in the mirror. You are the one trying to find that mystical happy place. So accept what people say because you know they mean well and are trying to help you but, do what you gotta do. I know you will find that path to happiness. Just know that we are all here to help you rake away the leaves that have been blocking it all this time. Report Inappropriate Comment

WORKINGSTIFF 3/9/2010 9:47AM

The scale can be evil! We are more than a number-so much more! Digging deep is difficult, but necessary in order to fly high. Without understanding the "whys" (is that a word?) behind what we do, we can never change them if we need to, or feed those whys if they are working for us. Personally, the scale is getting ready to leave my house and go to Goodwill. There are those number munchers who will say, 'you're in denial,' but honestly, each person has to do what is best for him or herself. If I don't love myself at a high number, I will never love myself completely at a low number, because that's not what self love is about. Best to you! Report Inappropriate Comment

REMODELINGPAT 3/9/2010 9:37AM

Your blogs are always a delight to read. You see inside our struggles and pull out something new for us to chew on. I like that! It's common for caring people to forget to take care of themselves. That's one of the reasons I had to have bypass surgery...too busy taking care of others to take care of myself. But I'm back, 6 months Thursday, and better than ever, with no heart damage. Now to get on with the business of taking care of ME so that I CAN take care of others! for some great reads! your progress is worthy of celebration Report Inappropriate Comment

KATJAMN 3/9/2010 9:08AM

I love new words.. LOL Undependant is def a word if you can use it in a complete sentence. That is what I always say. Ya know what? I had to learn this lesson.. I will tell you a secret.. I was a person before I was a fat person. I was loveable before I was fat. I was cheerful before I was fat. I am all the same things, just bigger.. LOL The scale doesn't give you anything but numbers. Here's another little secret.. God gave you your joy.. not the scale.. only God can take away your joy and HE isn't gonna. The scale is SATAN!!! Sorry, but it's true.. even when it shows I have lost, sometimes it says to me..."looky looky.. you lost 2 lbs.. now you can eat whatever you want today..let all the other lbs worry about themselves. MU WA HA HA!" SATAN!! You are doing great. I love reading your blogs and I love your comments on mine. Thanks for being you!! Report Inappropriate Comment

COVINGTON69 3/9/2010 8:56AM

Great blog and great attitude. I am proud of you and your undependence. I am codependent and recovering so I feel your pain. No longer does my thoughts and moods depend on others. I am myself and will celebrate this. Keep up the great work. You are dedicated and strong! Report Inappropriate Comment

KLEONIKI 3/9/2010 8:38AM

Undependant"! Cool! I like people courageous enough to experiment and test new words, attitudes, perspectives. They are as rare as precious. Keep up with the good work! Not with a scale but with ourselves. SCALES ARE FOR FISH (i 've read it somewhere and i adored it) Good luck , co-buddy Kleoniki Report Inappropriate Comment

KAT573 3/9/2010 8:27AM

WHOOOOOT! This is so right; It is odd because I was thinking about the fact that so many people realize they need to exercise their bodies but forget that they also need to exercise their minds and that does not mean doing the things we have always done, every day, but challenging ourselves to become more, to become stronger; When we exercise, we realize that there is a lack of balance perhaps, in sets of muscles, or sides of bodies or whatever; we always find something and we also as we move along if we are mindful, realize we may need to work on those before we can do the exercise that requires a DIFFERENT set of muscles!! This is building the foundation; digging into where we are off balance in our minds and spirits is similar; and if overlooked, can undermine all the other more "obvious" things we are trying to do or build up. To me, the mind and spirit ARE the foundation, the body is the temple. So while it is fun to fly high, you need to have a ground or base off which to even HAVE that concept! YOU are on your way! Report Inappropriate Comment

MARCYNA 3/9/2010 8:25AM

We're all 'undependent' if we set ourselves free. If we discover our true worth and act as children of God: 'Truth will set you free' We're called to embrace freedom. PS Added the new word to dictionary... Comment edited on: 3/9/2010 8:26:57 AM Report Inappropriate Comment

DOLLBABE56 3/9/2010 8:14AM

I sure can relate. I used to weigh everyday. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. Then I would decide "if" I could eat. Anything. This started in high school - starving for days at a time. At one point in my life my idea of a "vegetarian" diet consisted of a piece of lettuce. My parents were very worried. I am proud to say that I have not "eaten" this way for over 30 years. It is true that you can get wiser the older you get. Emphasize the CAN. I have found over the years that I SHOULD NOT WAY MYSELF EVERYDAY! It plays with my head and is not a realistic measure of my weight. And it sets of that old diet mentality that is so dangerous. When I was growing up my role models were Twiggy and Barbie. Unrealistic and impossible goals to reach for. And very damaging to young girls when they want to be like them, which I did. Sorry, I don't know where all of this came from. I rarely talk about this. And you know what? I feels good to face up! Report Inappropriate Comment

AMABILE75 3/9/2010 8:01AM

I would love to sit and chat with you every day!! I love the way your mind works, I love the way you write. Your words are always so moving, always! I'm always so uplifted after reading your blog. Every morning I get a huge smile on my face when I check my email and see the words: "New entry or comment on JOHNTJ1's SparkPage Blog which you are subscribed to at SparkPeople." You have made such progress, you are doing such a great job. Thank You! Report Inappropriate Comment

Dont Quit

Monday, March 08, 2010

Steve was orphaned at birth. He spent the first eighteen years of his life in orphans homes. At age eighteen he joined the Navy. After four years in the Navy, Steve used the G.I Bill to become a gemologist or as we call them, a jeweler. Steve lead a comfortable life in a major Midwestern city until the day Sadie called.

Sadie was one of Steve’s “high end customers.” After forty years of marriage Sadie and her husband were getting a divorce. Sadie had caught her husband in the back seat of their Lincoln with a young lady of questionable virtue and a significant amount of marijuana. In the divorce settlement Sadie was now the proud owner of an industrial manufacturing company. She didn’t know anything about running a company nor did she want to. So she called the only person she really trusted, her jeweler.

Sadie’s instructions were clear. Get the place ready to sell. Since her husband’s interests lied elsewhere for the past five years or so things weren’t in great shape. Steve, by his own admission, didn’t have a clue. He was a jeweler.

He told me years later that he tried very hard to employ basic common sense. Apparently it worked. Eighteen months after taking over the company was showing a profit and all of a sudden Sadie didn’t mind owning a manufacturing company.

I asked Steve one time what motivated him and he shared with me that his life was a series of challenges and just as soon as he would deal with one challenge another would pop up. He had no family, no real friends when he was growing up.
He opened his desk drawer, smiled at me and pulled out a sheet of paper.

“I found this when I was in seventh grade. I am not sure who wrote it but you can keep it. I have plenty more.” He said.

A copy is hanging on my office wall. I have sent it to countless friends over the years. I share it with you this morning because it seems so appropriate in our journey towards health.

DONT QUIT

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will.
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill.
When the funds are low, and the debts are high.
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns.
As every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about.
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow.
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you can never tell how close you are.
It maybe near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit.
It's when things seem worst

That you must not quit!

Steve has been dead for close to five years, but I wont ever forget his lesson. Have a good Monday

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATJAMN 3/9/2010 9:10AM

Love it Report Inappropriate Comment

KLEONIKI 3/9/2010 8:44AM

valuable poem, thank you very much! Report Inappropriate Comment

KLEONIKI 3/9/2010 8:43AM

valuable poem, thank you very much! Report Inappropriate Comment

REMODELINGPAT 3/9/2010 12:32AM

What a wonderful story. I've always loved that poem. God bless you in your journey toward health! Report Inappropriate Comment

KAT573 3/8/2010 9:15PM

THANK you for sharing this wonderful story! There is that underlying character of strength where one always sees a "challenge" rather than a "problem" and engages it in a pro-active manner! THAT is it! Keep on keeping ON Report Inappropriate Comment

JUSTLYLE 3/8/2010 7:52PM

A great story and blog John, thanks so much for sharing it with us. Skeeter Report Inappropriate Comment

1WALKINGMAN 3/8/2010 6:41PM

That is a very inspirational poem. Thanks for sharing it. Report Inappropriate Comment

FREDIA2 3/8/2010 5:50PM

What a true inspiration. Hopefully when we get down and want to give up we will think of Steve's poem and nor quit. Thanks for sharing Report Inappropriate Comment

FREDIA2 3/8/2010 5:50PM

What a true inspiration. Hopefully when we get down and want to give up we will think of Steve's poem and nor quit. Thanks for sharing Report Inappropriate Comment

SPARKENISTA 3/8/2010 5:03PM

This is an amazing inspiration. I printed it out to keep in my office with a host of other affirmations. When we hear about someone like Steve we learn to count our blessings. Report Inappropriate Comment

DOLLBABE56 3/8/2010 4:57PM

What a great blog. I believe I'm going to have to copy this and put where I will see it everyday. Thanks John Report Inappropriate Comment

LADYNLI 3/8/2010 3:42PM

Great blog!!! I love the poem. It is just what I needed to see today. I plan to keep a copy of it where I can see it. I have recommended your blog to the members of a team I am on. Thanks!!! Comment edited on: 3/8/2010 3:50:11 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

VEACHXCL 3/8/2010 3:07PM

Great blog, great poem, Thank you Report Inappropriate Comment

TEENY_BIKINI 3/8/2010 2:55PM

What a great story. I was referred here by AMABILE75's blog, and she was right. What an uplifting blog. Thank you. Report Inappropriate Comment

MARCYNA 3/8/2010 12:32PM

Hey, this is really food for thought. A great lesson to be learnt - and gracefully taught. Report Inappropriate Comment

TAZZAT2003 3/8/2010 12:01PM

I had this hanging by the door in my room. I put it there to remind myself why I moved to Va in the first place. I have moved since and I am not sure where it has gone. I think I should go and find it and put it back where it belongs. Happy Monday, John! Report Inappropriate Comment

YOYONOMORE1 3/8/2010 10:19AM

Yes, this is a great poem, I have seen it before, but always enjoy reading it again. Steve was a special person and your blog was a nice tribute to him. Have a nice day! Hugs, Shirl Report Inappropriate Comment

BIBLIOHOLIC57 3/8/2010 9:37AM

Very touching blog, very inspiring poem. Thank you and have a fantastic day, simply because you're you! Annie Report Inappropriate Comment

STORMTMB 3/8/2010 9:27AM

As stated before, this applies not only to the journey for better health, but to many aspects of my life... good reminder. I haven't seen this in a long time. Report Inappropriate Comment

TRIPLE_EMME 3/8/2010 9:18AM

Thanks for sharing this, John. Steve was a wonderful soul. Sharing this poem is a great way to celebrate him. Report Inappropriate Comment

CMBELISLE 3/8/2010 9:06AM

This one can apply to so many areas of our lives. Thanks for sharing! Report Inappropriate Comment

AMABILE75 3/8/2010 8:30AM

It's me again!!! I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I was missing something here!! I went on about my work, but it was nagging in the back of my mind. It just hit me! While I haven't read this in YEARS... when I first started working at 16, I came across a beautiful plaque with a beautiful sunrise and this poem on it. This was one of the very first items I bought for myself with one of my first paychecks. It hung on my wall all through high school!! How did I let something that inspiring slip my mind? Do you mind if I create a blog about this poem? I'll link back to yours and give you credit for bringing it back into my life. Promise. :-) Report Inappropriate Comment

WALKNLOVE 3/8/2010 8:11AM

That is one of my favorite poems. I think I saw it & memorized it as a teenager because I liked it so much.Thanks for sharing the blog.Your friend, Steve, just now, touched many lives through your story. Report Inappropriate Comment

AMABILE75 3/8/2010 7:59AM

What an awesome lesson we all need to learn. Thank you so much for sharing this, I really needed this. Report Inappropriate Comment

A Moment of Faith

Sunday, March 07, 2010

I decided to change my workout music yesterday. I was getting tired of listening to the same stuff. It’s not that the music is bad but when you have 1,256 songs on your IPod you can choose from a wide selection. So as I am walking around the track I decided to go old school --- Kansas. I had always liked their music and it has a good beat. Maybe it was where I was emotionally yesterday but the words to the first song, The Wall, caused me to literally stop in my tracks. It went something like this:

“I'm woven in a fantasy, I can't believe the things I see
The path that I have chosen now has led me to a wall
And with each passing day I feel a little more like something dear was lost
It rises now before me, a dark and silent barrier between
All I am and all that I would ever want to be”

Okay, so I am not your average run of the mill, sweating to the oldies sort of guy. I’ll bet I have heard that song a hundred times and never really listened to it. And please don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about gloom and doom. Quite the contrary. As I finished my exercise here is what I came up with, and it caused me to smile.

If you had told me a year ago that a forty five pound weight loss would be number four or five on the list of things I was proudest of I would have suggested you go get drug screened. I am very happy with my progress, so far. I am happier about the person I am becoming. I am becoming John. I am slowly, but surely getting rid of those things that are keeping me from being and doing all the great things I want to do. I believe my self awareness is what is driving my healthier life style. I have always believed in this but I never knew how to put it all together. But as I listened to the song a few times I realized that there was this wall between” All I am and all that I ever want to be.”

No blame. That’s hard not to do. I have to let go of the blame and I have to realize that things were as they were just as they are now as they are. No one is too blame for being unhealthy other than me. No ones to blame for poor habits
other than me. No one is too blame for all the excuses, except me. There is a wall.

I went to church last night and I thanked God, for that minor revelation. I saw, as I prayed “What I needed to do.” Or so I think.

Just about that time my inner voice spoke four words: “A Moment of Faith.” Between me and you I hate it when that happens.

The wall comes down during that one moment of faith when I made the choice to just have faith just let go. It was God saying “Give it all to me John. You can’t handle all of it anyway.’

Inside of me there was this uncomfortable silence. I had always thought an entire host of angels, saints and assorted holy people would show up at this moment and cheer. Instead it sat before me, a decision. I heard this voice tell me I was loved no matter what.

“All I am and all that I would ever want to be”

So I let go. It is really hard for me to explain the next few minutes. I felt this tremendous sense of release along with this awesome feeling of awe. I just sat there and it was like everything was okay. Then I got scared to death. Then I started crying. Joan is used to me crying so she just patted my arm. The lady on the other side of me probably finished Mass in the next county.

I am not the rose colored glasses type of person. I am not trying to make this all sweet and surgery. It was inside of me another moment of awareness and peace. Without being disrespectful it was a holy moment.

I offer this to you not as a “Look at me aren’t I wonderful sort of moment.” I offer it as a sign that no matter what happens, no matter how often we stumble fall or fail, that one moment of faith can sustain us for a long time. I was faced with a decision. I want to be healthy and happy and I want to help other people do the same. I will never be perfect but as I learn to use my gifts and talents, I can become a ray of hope to others

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAT573 3/8/2010 9:22PM

JOHN: I decided that since you wrote this on my birthday, I should read it after coming in here via a link from Amabile75's blog and reading the newer one; I cannot begin to tell you how similar what I am going through this Lenten season is with what you are describing; It is not new; I have always known that the barriers I have are the ones I inherited when I was dependent on others and had nothing to compare it to, for better or worse; once I became independent, so to speak, is when my journey to me began, and that is how it is with us all; the degree to which we claim ownership for our part in where we are at, is the degree to which that wall begins to be dismantled. Keep on keeping ON! Report Inappropriate Comment

MARCYNA 3/8/2010 9:40AM

I just can't believe it. It's such a wonderful moment. It's when you touch 'the hem of His garment' and you're healed. Keep this feeling, John. It's total beauty, heaven on heart. Thank you for sharing. God bless you!!!! PS Have you ever heard 'One Touch' by Nicole Cullen???? Comment edited on: 3/8/2010 9:44:07 AM Report Inappropriate Comment

PINETREEGIRL 3/7/2010 9:00PM

Faith, hope, continue (thank you!) Report Inappropriate Comment

TNTEACHER2 3/7/2010 7:35PM

good for you, John! Report Inappropriate Comment

CRYSELLE 3/7/2010 3:35PM

what an awesome thing. It's great to be aware when the universe, God, the Angels have a message for you, and the be open to receiving it, and to really take it in and understand it. I'm glad you had this moment. What a meaningful time for you, and something to aspire to for us all. You are truly an inspiration, John. Report Inappropriate Comment

DOLLBABE56 3/7/2010 1:50PM

A magical moment indeed. Report Inappropriate Comment

STORMTMB 3/7/2010 1:08PM

Awesome. You were listening when God had something to tell you. Report Inappropriate Comment

BIBLIOHOLIC57 3/7/2010 12:53PM

Fantastic insight, John. I am so happy for you! It is wonderful that you are so open to change and willing to do the hard work involved. Annie Report Inappropriate Comment

KATIEGLEN012 3/7/2010 11:23AM

Yes, indeed. Report Inappropriate Comment

URSULA125 3/7/2010 10:29AM

God is awesome! I am so thankful He can and wants to carry us. God continue to bless you. Report Inappropriate Comment

AMABILE75 3/7/2010 10:20AM

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LEEANNE1980 3/7/2010 10:15AM

Wow. Report Inappropriate Comment

Healing Part 2

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Before I write this morning post I want to stop and thank those of you who posted responses to my blog on healing yesterday. It is my normal practice to respond individually to each person with a short note. However, lol, I did not get home from my trip last night until close to 8pm and I was tired. So please accept this universal thanks for all of your support, your comments and especially your love.


Sometimes I think I would rather feel just plain old miserable as opposed to feeling “off.” As I said yesterday I hadn’t been with Karen for awhile and while I wasn’t really anxious, I wasn’t my usual confident self. You might say I loathed what I thought might happen. At any rate, things got worse before they got better. When I walked into the office yesterday, Karen’s secretary commented on how good I looked, wanted to know what I was doing to lose weight. I told her how much weight I had lost and she did a sort of fist pump and said “Go John.”
Karen was standing in her office door and made a scowling motion with her face. Her secretary looked at me and whispered, “Sorry!!!” I took a bit of consolation in the fact that I am not the only person Karen has a hard time getting along with.

I am not sure what I was expecting to happen yesterday. My goal was to get through the day civilly. I had this nagging feeling inside of me that there was something here I was supposed to learn. I was just missing it.

I had lunch with one of Karen’s coworkers. He and I hadn’t talked in a long time. He lost a family member recently and is going through some serious health issues. He told me once that outside of his family I know more about him than anyone else. So as we sat and ate our lunch, he just let everything spill out. As I listened to him I began to think. “How damn selfish you are, John.”

I mean, I am worried about some very small and petty ongoing argument I have with someone and this guy is stuck in a well of despair. It made me recall exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

My motto has become “Helping Good People Become Better” I do that by bringing hope to people in situations where they may not see the hope. That’s my “gift.” I gave up trying to figure it out a long time ago. I just do it.

I took my eye off of the ball. I was so worried about Karen and what she’d say or what she’d do that I’d miss that I may have missed a lot of opportunities to be present to other people who’s need to heal was just as great as mine.

I went back to our afternoon interview session and I wasn’t worried about anything other than the six people I was charged with interviewing, and yes they took a little longer than normal because I made a very conscious effort to be present to those people who were sitting across the table from me and not worry about what Karen thought. I felt whole. I felt like I had done the right thing.
On the way home it struck me that I will never change the way Karen thinks or feels, all I can do is be present. All I can do is in the truest sense of the word, love.
While there is a lot of water under the bridge and while I don’t think we will ever be best buddies I think I can look at her as the child of God she is and begin to heal that hurt inside of me.

The humor God presented to me is that the real healing here has to come from inside of me. Then I am more capable of being present to other people.

"Just love and let God worry about the rest."

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TINKERBELL200 3/9/2010 8:28PM

John!!! As I deal with the some of the same issues on my job!!! I can relate! I think what we need to get as a bigger picture , is these people don't know Jesus like we do! All we can do is love them into the kingdom! Have the confidence in ourselves that we are children of God! We can do ALL Things through CHRIST who strengthens us!!!! People in the world need to see Jesus' love shine through us. Just listening to people ministers to them! And also it should bring us to reality as to our problems really aren't that big compared to others! We have so much to be thankful for!! Keep being yourself and showing the love of Jesus! It's beaming out of you!!! Lynne Report Inappropriate Comment

MARCYNA 3/7/2010 8:40AM

It's wonderful!!!! God turns our wounds into healing, as in Cana water was turned into wine. I'm so happy this healing process has started in you and I'm amazed how this involves all the people you're meeting. May the Lord bless you now and forever Report Inappropriate Comment

KATIEGLEN012 3/7/2010 8:39AM

Sometime, somewhere, I read that we are to express thanks for all trials that come our way...for it is they that will be leading us to growth. No one yet has said that the journey was supposed to be easy. It can be difficult for me to practice this...but always when I can it is fruitful. We do the best that we can...and you, John, do an amazing job of reaching out to others. Report Inappropriate Comment

CMBELISLE 3/7/2010 8:34AM

I'm glad that you could see beyond Karen and understand that there are more people that need your unique wisdom and abilities, even when Karen is around. You are also fortunate that Karen is only a part-time situation in your life. Report Inappropriate Comment

WALKNLOVE 3/6/2010 9:29PM

Great blog! There is so much more to people than what we see on the surface.Loving people, in spite of themselves, is what we are called to do! Thanks for being real! Report Inappropriate Comment

YOYONOMORE1 3/6/2010 3:11PM

A pleasant word is a bright ray of sunshine on a saddened heart. Therefore, give others the sunshine, and tell Jesus the rest. L.B. Cowman/Streams in the Desert I think you gave your friend at lunch the sunshine yesterday, it's sad to think of all the sunshine Karen is missing out on. Well done John. Hugs, Shirl Report Inappropriate Comment

FREDIA2 3/6/2010 1:34PM

John, you are awesome ! When you continue to look at people the way you are then things only improve. Remember that you can't change other people only yourself. You appear to be on the right path. Report Inappropriate Comment

FREDIA2 3/6/2010 1:34PM

John, you are awesome ! When you continue to look at people the way you are then things only improve. Remember that you can't change other people only yourself. You appear to be on the right path. Report Inappropriate Comment

FREDIA2 3/6/2010 1:34PM

John, you are awesome ! When you continue to look at people the way you are then things only improve. Remember that you can't change other people only yourself. You appear to be on the right path. Report Inappropriate Comment

BIBLIOHOLIC57 3/6/2010 1:06PM

John, you are such an amazing person! You've got to feel sorry for all the "karens" in the world because seriously, what kind of life does she have? She can only see the worst in people, her main goal in life seems to torment others. My guess is, her personal life is nonexistent. You on the other hand, are there to encourage, uplift and help others grow, blossom, and become the best they can be. Fantastic! If nothing else, keep smiling at her. It will make her wonder what you're up to. And the answer is, absolutely NOTHING! Keep blogging, keep living, keep hoping. You are WONDERFUL! Thanks so much for giving me such a wonderful start to my day. Annie Report Inappropriate Comment

OHYESITSME1 3/6/2010 12:47PM

It is amazing how alive we feel when we stay/live in just the present moment! Namaste! Report Inappropriate Comment

NJMATTICE 3/6/2010 12:33PM

I call Karen"esque" types, prickly people. It has helped me to see those people as "gifts for growth". Without her, you would not have had the pleasure of the self-discoveries that you received. Loving people who make themselves so unlovable makes you feel like SUPERMAN when you have a victory. That is a good feeling! So have a great day SUPERMAN and say a little prayer for your prickly friend! I will say one for both of you :-) Love, Nancy Report Inappropriate Comment

STORMTMB 3/6/2010 11:53AM

What struck me is that you know your gift and you use it. Clearly you were blessed by using it yesterday and the man you shared lunch with was blessed as well. I'd call that a Fabulous Friday! Tina Report Inappropriate Comment

DOLLBABE56 3/6/2010 10:48AM

Well John, I hadn't read yesterday's blog so I went back and did. I remember people like her. Most of us probably do. It is very hard to let go of those feelings. I'm very proud that you had yesterdays's epiphany. Report Inappropriate Comment

CRANBERRYKITTY 3/6/2010 8:58AM

Woohoo John!!! That's a really good outcome and it sounds like you handled it all in a very dignified way. It's too bad someone can't reach out and help these people like Karen, but when people don't want help or are in denial, there's no way they would ever change. But, in reality, there will always be a Karen out there... and it's really (as you said) how we react to it that matters the most. Thanks for sharing your story and setting an example here. Congrats, Sydney Report Inappropriate Comment

AMABILE75 3/6/2010 8:41AM

I'm so glad that things worked out for you in this situation. It feels like you really did get something out of it, your eyes were opened and you didn't let her win. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Thank you so much for sharing with us. Report Inappropriate Comment

Healing

Friday, March 05, 2010

I am all for fresh beginnings, out with the old, in with the new. A lot of us get ready to do that this time of year. We call it spring cleaning. Time to shake all the musty, stale things out and open the windows to let in fresh air; air that not only invigorates us but gives us a new perspective on life.

Sometimes we have to go in the basement, crawl under the stairs and dig out an old box or bin that has been there awhile. Mostly we have forgotten about it. We haven’t been in the basement for awhile so we haven’t planned on adding it to the spring cleaning agenda. Another issue sends us to the basement, maybe it’s a hammer or a screw driver and we see that old box sitting in the corner and we sigh, and maybe screw up our face a bit and curse the fates.

“I forgot that was there.” We think about it all day, pretty vexed that we have to add it to the list and we lay in bed at night and toss and turn a bit because we have to deal with it. It wasn’t part of our plan.

I met Karen about four years ago. A client promoted her and hired me to train her in her new job. Karen is capable, competent and very bright. She has a grasp of technical issues that is amazing. She doesn’t like people. She doesn’t like me.
I spent a year training Karen. It was the worst year of my life. I found that when we were in a group or a meeting with other people Karen went out of her way to make me look bad. She would mimic the way I spoke or my mannerisms. When she would make a mistake she would tell her boss it was because I hadn’t taught her something properly which in most cases was a lie, plain and simple. Fortunately I had a huge bank of credibility with this client and Karen’s attempts to discredit me back fired on her. We finished our year together. I said all the right things but as I walked to my car I prayed Karen never walked in front of me while I was driving.

I could be all politically correct here and say that Karen “got on my nerves.” I’ll just be honest. I hated her. But after awhile I forgot about her, until yesterday afternoon. The client asked me to sit on some interviews yesterday afternoon and all day today as a favor to him. He is hiring a new executive administrative coordinator and he wanted my opinion on the candidates. I hadn’t seen Karen in about eighteen months.

Lest you think I am a total beast I understand why Karen reacts the way she does. It doesn’t make it feel any better but I understand. Karen is very insecure and has no reason to be. She masks her insecurity by making other people look bad.

Very subtly, she threw little darts at me yesterday. Thankfully I was only with her for about an hour. Today I will be with her for over eight hours. I tossed and turned last night. Around three am I had one of those moments. It wasn’t Karen who had the problem, it was me. I wouldn’t let go. I wouldn’t allow myself to be healed because it was way to much fun licking my wounds and looking for pity.
Allowing ourselves to be healed is tough. As much as we say we may want it, it’s tough to let go. It’s like that box in our basement we forgot about. We don’t like it but we wont let go of it.

How do I accomplish all this? That’s even scarier. To me it is simply sitting back and not controlling the situation. It’s allowing the Divine healing power to work. That means I have to relinquish control and even though I know that the outcome will be amazing, I know I’m not ready for that to occur. I still want my pound of flesh.

It’s a matter of integrity. If I am all that I say I am. If I believe the truths I believe, then I will let go and let the healing begin. In a larger sense I owe Karen a debt of gratitude. She helped me see that dark corner of my basement I’d been afraid to look at.

Time for spring cleaning.

I’ll keep you posted

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KLEONIKI 3/9/2010 9:05AM

This "let go" thing.... So update with my situation that moment...! It is i believe a matter of taking pleasure.. Sometimes we find ourselves grown accustomed to taking pleasure from the risky, not always convenient position of PAIN, or ANGER..Anger is contagious I say to myself :when i feel stuck as a response to one's negative behavior it means there are some hidden desires that lie in my "basement" as you have wisely mentioned. It is then a matter of realizing whether this old pattern is the only one that may cause you pleasure and let yourself fly free..towards NEW LANDS! Report Inappropriate Comment

SPARKENISTA 3/6/2010 8:29PM

John--There are people in this world who are insensitive and downright mean. In many ways it doesn't matter why. I don't think it is necessary to be politically correct here. She tried to embarrass and demean you. There is no excuse for that. Your angry feelings are 100% justified. You don't have to bend over backward to find excuses for her. In the end she will be the loser--for one thing she lost the valuable treasure of your support and friendship. Don't stress over it. She is the victim of her history. Don't allow yourself to be the victim of her angst. It's perfectly okay to be angry. It's normal. Accept it. Be angry and vent as long you feel it's necessary. Then forget her for good and move on. Anyway, that's how I feel about it. Comment edited on: 3/6/2010 8:31:29 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

BIBLIOHOLIC57 3/5/2010 11:01PM

Dear John, It's sad to have to deal with people who can only build themselves up by tearing others down. My prayers are with you. I know you'll come through this even stronger. You are terrific! Annie Report Inappropriate Comment

TINKERBELL200 3/5/2010 6:27PM

John. How true this is...If we just let go and let God take care of it! I have been struggling with a similar situation at work and like you said, am I who I say I am! More importantly, who does God say I am. I have favor, His favor! Poor Karen, to be that insecure. She needs prayer, and an open door to a loving Father. Maybe God is using you to open that door, for her. His ultimate plan is that we all arrive with Him someday, and make an impact on people and bring them with us! God bless, and have success!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

WALKNLOVE 3/5/2010 3:10PM

I appreciated your honesty. I forgive because God's word says to forgive so that my your sins may be forgiven.I want to be forgiven.The main person we hurt when we choose not to forgive, is ourselves.I compare forgiveness to love in this way:We choose to love someone even though sometimes they don't act very lovable.Forgiveness is kind of the same.It's a choice.We can choose to forgive whether we feel like it or not.It's a decision.The feelings will follow....Best wishes to you with Karen. I know you will do the right thing for your healing. Thanks for sharing! Report Inappropriate Comment

CRANBERRYKITTY 3/5/2010 2:26PM

John, Wow... this sounds so much like what I'm dealing with right now. I am working with a person who is very critical and, since I am so self-aware and self-critical, her comments really tear me to the core. It frustrates me that, because of her position and that my boss gives her this power, I am forced to do things her way. The most difficult thing is just "faking it". It takes so much effort to fake it, but if I didn't, I would only be subject to her remarks even more. It's such a difficult situation. I have no power in this situation and the only thing I can do is just remind myself that I'm not alone and that there will be an end to this. I look forward to the day when I no longer have her in my life... but until then, reading your blog the comments has made me feel so much less alone in this battle. Best of luck to you today. Keep your chin up :) Thanks, Sydney Comment edited on: 3/5/2010 2:32:55 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

TRIPLE_EMME 3/5/2010 1:08PM

I'm wishing you strength as you get through this day. Please share your insight about the lesson learned from Karen. This is an area where I need help, myself, at times. My thoughts are with you. Report Inappropriate Comment

GIRANIMAL 3/5/2010 12:28PM

Caroline Myss calls it "woundology." She says we cling to our wounds because we find power in them. We feel that suffering grants us to entitlement. I think you nailed it by seeing that Karen had a lesson to teach you -- and her lesson just might lie in witnessing you be the "bigger person" and letting it go. I love your blogs! They are just so darn insightful and bring up for me things that I have allowed myself to cloud over or forget altogether. Report Inappropriate Comment

PINETREEGIRL 3/5/2010 12:05PM

John, I read your blog this morning and for some reason these two paragraphs: "I wouldn’t allow myself to be healed because it was way to much fun licking my wounds.... I have to relinquish control and even though I know that the outcome will be amazing, I know I’m not ready for that to occur. " made me think of you saying that you quit smoking five years ago. I smoked for many years, and overcame. I can't think of any other time in my life that I've had to work so hard, and I came out of that experience a very different person in unexpected ways--I thought the change would be only physical. Perhaps you can relate to that statement. That is a huge and terrifying box in the corner of the basement, and once taking that on....there is probably very little that you can't do! I picture you as strong and determined, predominantly because you come across in your writing as being so very self-aware. I'm sorry that your co-worker is so unpleasant. One bad person can really ruin a work day. But I have faith that her subtitles and insecurities are no match for your inner resource. Comment edited on: 3/5/2010 12:10:05 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

CMBELISLE 3/5/2010 11:25AM

It's not just people at work - sometimes they are people in our lives that have done everything in their power to tear us down. It can be quite difficult to let go, but I try EVERY day. The hard part is when they start doing it to other people in your life and you see their pain as they struggle through the situation. I can't change the person, but I can do my best to let go and be there for the others. Report Inappropriate Comment

STORMTMB 3/5/2010 9:44AM

Your strength and ability to rise above amazes me. I learn something from you every day. I just hope you don't start charging us a consulting fee! lol. Good luck today. With your resolve, I'm sure you'll come out of it feeling better. Tina Report Inappropriate Comment

MARCYNA 3/5/2010 9:38AM

John, I can understand you perfectly. I met my 'Karen' at my previous job at Uni and I'm still trying to get over her. She did everything she could to throw a negative light on me , using all she could invent. She was not prepared for the job, therefore insecure, and she used lies, slandering, open offenses (...) against me. It still hurts. I'll pray for you , anyway you attitude's just amazing. There are so many Karen in this world...not so many like you John, you're unique. Comment edited on: 3/5/2010 10:20:40 AM Report Inappropriate Comment

YOYONOMORE1 3/5/2010 9:10AM

I think God puts impossible people in our lives to teach us something about ourselves. I don't have to deal with this in a work environment anymore, thank goodness, but those people pop up in our lives working or not working. I guess we need to keep in mind that saying, "till you've walked a mile in their shoes" we usually have no idea what the other person has had to deal with or is dealing with in their life. You have such good insight into situations you have to deal with, enjoyed reading your blog this morning, very much. Have a fabulous Friday. Hugs, Shirl Report Inappropriate Comment

AMABILE75 3/5/2010 9:06AM

What a difficult situation!! I work with a few people like that and often struggle to let go and not let them get the best of me. You have the right attitude though!! You have to evaluate who you are and who you want to be then take the steps to be that person. You cannot know who you are until you know who you are not. You might see yourself as a kind and loving person, but unless you actually do someone a kindness or show somebody love, all you have is an IDEA of yourself. Often it takes these kind of people to make us truly understand who we want to be and gives us the opportunity to be that person instead of simply holding an idea. :) Here are two quotes I thought you might like... :) I hope you have a wonderful day!!! The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out Who You Are, seek to determine Who You Want to Be. The way to reduce the pain which you associate with earthly experiences and events—both yours and those of others—is to change the way you behold them. Report Inappropriate Comment

TAZZAT2003 3/5/2010 8:54AM

Your perspective is always makes me go "Huh never thought of it that way." Perhaps you are cleaning out the cobwebs of my mind and allowing it to think differently...thanks. Report Inappropriate Comment

WANDAH3 3/5/2010 8:18AM

I missed being able to read your blog yesterday, so this morning first thing at work ...guess where I headed. You have such a wonderful way of looking at the work and inspiring me...thank you. I will not have access for the next couple of days and am really looking forward to Monday morning at work. Have an awesome weekend. Hugs, Wanda Report Inappropriate Comment

LOLEMA 3/5/2010 7:57AM

nice post, thanks for sharing. Report Inappropriate Comment