Friday, November 06, 2009
Well it's been a few days since I stopped calorie counting and exercise logging. I've even managed to put my scales (my idol remember) behind the sofa. How are you? You know this is where I am keeping my blog at present and I feel the need to write (what am I doing up at 4.30am you may wonder...Hmm I'm asking myself the same question).
This week has been very stressful, lots of change and yet blessed.
On Tuesday I phoned T cos I was happy I'd had one banana instead of my ED mid morning snack of tomato juice. He said I was fat at 147lbs. I went ape. I phoned back at 5.30 thinking I'd get his sister and he accused me of lying about how my bones stick out in the bath and said I'd be 'porkie' if I got up to 160lbs. I need to get upto 160lbs and then reduce over a period of 6 months back down to 154 where I am happy. Was I happy at 147lbs? No no and NO! Food was controlling my life. Yes life was stressful and it was a welcome distraction. But even so. The fact I'd spammed a certain social worker (not including poor, poor K) and gotten myself respectfully reprimanded on Sabbath said it all (with thinspiration sites of all things). It was time to knock things on the head. And of course T NEVER apologised (G said he was ill) yet I have to apologise to them for least little thing about MY illness. I don't mind people saying the wrong thing - I do it all the time - but at least apologise after.
So yes I will calorie count (food log) from time to time but I won't let it control my life.
That was tuesday/wednesday. Actually I had a really hard time trying to get a chicken curry down me @ the drop in on Tuesday but fortunately there was a SW student sitting right next to me and she could see the turmoil I was in (ED thoughts v. non ED thoughts) and sat and reassured me and the last thing I wanted to do was throw it up like Monday. She was an absolute God Send. So here's a public THANKYOU to Y at the AC. Ya famous girlie (tee hee). Famousse.
On Wednesday Mr W's prayers were answered and despite taking the Nexium my gastritis went one step further. Half way through making Snickerdoodles to atone for the previous week's sins with the clinical director at the hosp. I wasn't sure if I'd gotten food poisoning or the 'wonderful' gastritis but I thought the latter was most likely so like I went with that. Missed Becycle (onto that in a mo), Shared planet cafe and counselling and just about got to the meeting at 5.30. Praise God there was no coffee at the meeting (about the only time I've appreciated the lack of coffee there) cos that just proved to me it was Gastritis. I'd have been none the wiser otherwise. 1.5 hours later and feeling fine (and buzzing), I left. The meeting was just waffle with a certain Prof being intimidating and setting his own agenda. The sausage rolls (thanks P) were FAB but of course, me with the eating etiquette of a 3 year old managed to mess up the floor big time. Och the cleaners will love me!!! I think that's the end of sausage rolls for the next meet LOL. (Sorry Prof - could well be the end of your brown sauce too).
Thurs....thurs...what happened on Thurs? It was fine (apart from the lack of coffee but now I'm onto cheap tea and Puerrh tea instead of coffee after a meal) until I got home from Asda and I remembered that dear DM was round here last GF for pizza and within weeks he'd killed himself. That saddened me. Asda was good. I'd menu planned so only spent £15 - including superglue 
for covering a bible with fabric. I actually had to go to Sainsburys last night because I bought potatoes (cos they were cheap) and I know I won't eat them all so I had to go to Sainsburys for carrots to make carrot and coriander soup later. Pray I get round to making it (and freezing it) but the bike is worse than ever. The brakes squeak something chronic and the lock needs some WD40 urgently. I don't quite kinow what's wrong with them so I'm off to Becycle today to try and figure out and DV get it fixed today. I need it fixed - like urgently!!! It's my independant travel round town. 10 mins to Asda (as opposed to 30 mins walk and you don't even contemplate getting a bus!!!) and like 10 mins to church/drop in/docs as opposed to 20-30 mins walk and about the same bus time (if it turns up). Independance 
Yesterday it was wet and cold which again did nothing positive for one's mood. Fortunately I have the daylight bulb I got the other week which really helps but now I'm hormonal. Seriously thinking of getting some Agnus Castus (I think it's called) to try and sort this PMS out. I don't want to consider the alternatives. Och roll on old age and the menopause. I'll get HRT then!
Anyhow best go and get a cuppa then prepare for my jog.
Hugs
J
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