Tuesday, March 09, 2010
I know now that things are not all to be understood, so I give GOD my questions, thoughts, and concerns. He knows my thoughts before I even say them, and I trust him completely to help me through each day.
I thank you all for your comments and prayers, please know that I am so thankful for each of you and that you all keep me from falling into deeper depression. You all are Heaven sent, so be blessed my sparkfamily.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
My faith has been shaken so many times, and I don't want to take it anymore.
First in 1999, my mom, Annabelle, the most wonderful woman in this community, was taken to Heaven in a car accident, with my only sister-in-law, Neva. Then a few years later my grandmother Helen, which made me feel so lost that I felt I had lost all connections to my heritage. Then my only brother, Thomas, who was the eldest of my siblings. Then my son, my sweet angel RILEY, my youngest child who was supposed to be with us for many more years.
There have been many others, very close friends of our family, Kip, Susie, Matthew, Robert, Johnny, Deane, Cleave, and Orlando. They were just like family, and all of them so loved and missed, it just hurts to know that we have to live on without them.
It seems just when I am ready to move on to life, something tragic happens and my heart is again torn, weighed down with such sadness, that there is real physical hurt. My family tries to hold me up, or lift this darkness from me, and I love them for trying to help. Maybe it's true you have to hit bottom before things get better.
Don't worry bottom does not mean drinking or drugging to me. It is a point of needing GOD desperately, and only He can help me from this darkness of my soul. I call upon him now to help me through this dark time, to give me peace, strength and understanding. "Please LORD I need you now". Amen
Saturday, March 06, 2010
GOD, why, why does our family have to face such tragedies? Please be with my oldest son Santeo as he and his friends face the sadness of losing their friend. Amen
Rest In Peace, Kip Proper
Friday, March 05, 2010
Although my husband and I didn't have our date day, we did spend it with family and I am very gratefull for their understanding.
I also did walk yesterday, even though I really did not want to. What I wanted to do was just go to sleep and wake up to a new day. Today I also got up and went for a walk, and feeling a little better, or at least that I accomplished something.
Not much happening this weekend, so I think I'll try rearranging furniture and catching up on my reading once that is done.
Sparkfamily, I want you all to know that you all are precious to me and I thank GOD for each of you. Be blessed
Thursday, March 04, 2010
I cried . . . .just before I went to sleep. I guess I had been holding onto those tears all day yesterday and when I was ready, awake alone, I felt them fall and I couldn't stop. I did not moan or sob, just gentle tears rolling continuous down my cheeks and the ache of my heart that will be there for awhile. (Until I see my son RILEY again)
I was listening to my playlist of Inspirational music and just imagining what my son sees in Heaven was so, so, heart wrenching. I want so much to there with him, and yet knowing that my place is here makes it hard to get up to another day.
But I did, My last memory before sleep over came me, was praying that GOD would get me through this and will reveal his will for me soon. Although the day is late now I feel I can come here and just write, about what? I don't know.
I do want to thank you all for your comments, for your hugs and for being my friends.
I think I've lost my groove, my momemtum for exercise. No, maybe just for today. I mean I will get back to it, it's just I need today to recollect, rejuvenate, to pause. I will be back tomorrow, so have a great evening with your families sparkfriends.
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