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Sunday, October 29, 2006

Today is again one of those hard times. I miss my baby so very very much, that my whole being hurts. I want him home, but yet to think that would mean taking him away from something good and that thought hurts even worse. WHY GOD, does it have to hurt?
With Halloween just a couple days away, makes me sad that my son won't be here to enjoy this Kids holiday. But, for his friends and family will we celebrate it. Today we are finally going to get some candy, make our scarecrow, and carve the pumpkins that our friends have given us.

I am trying so hard not to eat unconciously but still I get hungry and find the quickest thing, or nearest which is not always good. In a few days it will be payday then I can plan my meals and buy the stuff for it. I think also just getting past Halloween will be relief for my stress too.
I guess also being in a financial strain is making me more stressed, that I worry constantly but again just a couple more days then we will be ok. It's not like we are starving or have no shelter, or gas for the car, it's just the what ifs that can come up that got me worried.
Oh GOD if your there now is the time I need you the most. Amen



Friday, October 27, 2006

This past few days have been the roughest for me, in my grieving. It seems that there were things, sounds, sights, words that just brought back memories that were painful. I mean I love my son, but for me to remember all the hard times (illness etc...) that he went through, and not knowing if I did enough or not just breaks me.
I was able to talk with friends and family who helped my throught these times. Sometimes I think I am strong and there's others when I know I am not and this was one of them. I think if I had written down my feelings it would have helped but I was trying to keep myself busy with other things which didn't work and I was lost.
But now I am able to focus, and when the memories come, I will embrace those and try to be happy, to know that I did everything in my power to help my baby while he was here.
Today is 34 weeks since he went to Heaven, and I know he can see us and have love for us all. My son is not alone, he is with JESUS and his many grandmas who all love him just as much as I do.


Not defeated

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Well, I guess this is it....I will now go on a more stricter way of eating.
At today's weighin I have gained 1.25 pounds, putting me be back to where I started.
Also my blood sugars have started to go back up. I thought I was making progress but in the past three days it has went up to where it was previously. So I will be doing a more protein, less carb way of eating, and I will increase my minutes of walking.
I will not give up, I will not give up. THANK YOU GOD for your motivation.



Sunday, October 22, 2006

I've had a very stressful week, but I did my best to stay mindful of what I am eating. I have noticed that I did have more dairy items but not enough vegetables. Fruit and protein were ok, but my breads could have been less. I guess we'll see how it worked out, by Tuesdays weighin.
For my spiritual aspects of my life, I feel so strong in my faith, that GOD is in control. I need to stop trying to do things all on my own and just let GOD. I am thankful to my LORD that I was able to see my son in my dreams. Within each one, I was protecting him and just enjoyed his company. GOD knows what I needed the most to keep from falling into dispair.
I could say more but it's best if I don't or I could talk about everything. I do want to thank my sparke friends who have added my to their friends list, who have also commented to me. I glad GOD brought me here to you all.
His love and blessings to all
mom to Angel RILEY

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KRISTY348 10/22/2006 7:30PM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You have been through so much and you still have the strength to keep going just amazes me. You are a very strong person and I am happy I have the chance to get to know you better. Keep believing in yourself and your faith and you will come through this a winner. Life is hard and there are things that happen in our life we do not understand Dont ever give up, keep going and keep your faith strong. Thank you for your words of encouragement to me. I wish you all the best of luck in your life and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.. Kristy

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Friday, October 20, 2006

Today is 33 weeks since my baby went to Heaven. I can only imagine the things he sees, but I know in my heart he is with his grandmas and our LORD JESUS CHRIST.
Each night I go to bed I am one day closer to being with him.

I had a very relaxing day with my daughter (19 year old) as we watched movies together at home. Later I went to the county jail, as that is where my oldest son (22) is. It was nice to see him, although not really in that place, but to know he is doing ok makes me feel better. Both of these kids know they have made mistakes and are accepting the consequences of them. I don't approve/condone the things they have done but I still love them and pray for them daily. I know GOD is working on both of them in his own way.
As for my step-granddaughter, that is another story. We have raised her since she was 5 years old (she's 16 now) and yet she still wants to do her own thing (thinks she's in love) so we've decided that if her dad wants her back (custody) he can. We feel like we've done all we can and there is nothing more we can do, if she doesn't want to listen or follow our rules about this boy she likes. Besides it's best if they don't live near each other. It is heart breaking though, because of all that we have done for her and treats us like crap.
Well those things are all a part of my stress, and I am trying my best to be less stressed and just work on my on things. Next month me and my husband are going to take off for a weekend and just go visiting friends and family. I am so looking forward to that time as my classes for the semester will be done too.
Well thats if for my update for today. Tomorrow is a new day, to praise my GOD and do his will.
Love and Blessings Friends
mom to Angel RILEY

P.S. Thank you to those who commented to me and added me as friends. I'll do my best to support you too.


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