Thursday, October 08, 2009
I give thanks to GOD for watching over my grandson and keeping him safe....Although my heart felt guilt, because I didn't do what I was supposed to, and that was to keep him safe.
After my son had passed away, I still have feelings that there was more I could have done for him, and I promised GOD I would do my best to care for my grandson. I feel like I've failed.
BUT I've not given up, I will do all that I can to care and keep him safe. That means losing some pounds, because yesterday I was so out of breathe, it felt like I was running. I can do all things through him who gives me strength.
Thank you, Heavenly Father, Amen
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
My 2 year old grandson, WAS missing.
He had gone out the door when we were cooking, and the gate was left open. I thought I should check on him since I didn't see him in the front yard, thats when I saw the gate and just past that his three wheel bike in the middle of the road. I was struck with terror, because behind our house is an irrigation ditch with about 2 feet of water.
I didn't see our 2 dogs so I thought he may have followed them to the ditch and I look there first, (the momma, gramps, and niece) the others went looking in the opposite directions. I also thought he may have followed the dogs to the fields where the horses and cows were (he's been there with gramps) and I went that way too but didn't see him or the dogs.
As I was returning to the house, I went to the neighbors houses and asked if they saw him and they said no. As I was heading down another street, I saw my other niece running and yelled to see if they found him. She said yes. I was so scared still, because I didn't know if he was ok, or if other dogs had attacked him.
But he was ok, and by then there were others to help look for him. I was so grateful for their help.
I also thank GOD for keeping him safe. Please, give your kids and grandkids that extra hug, just because.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
My husband finally talked to me and he said he was really disappointed, not mad. And so far things are working out ok with our limited budget for this month.
Tomorrow I will plan my week, for meals, exercise, and my time. Also I really need to get back to attending Sunday church service, because I feel I really need the fellowship of others.
Thank you Sparkfriends, you all are precious, and special to me. Love and Huggs to you all
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Well, I finally told my husband, and only because he kept asking how much our balance is. I explained about my ATM withdrawel, and how much the bank had charged us for the overdraft fees. I know he understands because we've done this before, both of us. Anyway, he didn't yell, but he ask when I did this and again what our balance is, so I told him.
He took me and my grandson to Burger King, but he was quiet and wouldn't say anything to me. When we got home, he did tell me to go ahead and pay our current bills and thats it. I did as he asked, but I know he is still upset and his silence hurts deeply. I guess it could be worse if he yelled at me or even worse if he cursed, but he didn't. I know it will be a while before this upset is cleared between us.
Ok for my peace of mind, I do have an appoinment with a counselor on the 8th, although not a grief counselor, but I am hoping I can finally get my thoughts, emotions and feelings out to someone who is neutral. I know GOD listens too and I have NOT given up on Him.
I thank you sparkfriends for your comments, friendship, prayers, and love. Be blessed
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Although my money issue will be cleared with the bank tomorrow, I am so afraid of the outcome.
I still have not told my husband, and I know he will be very upset. Not angry but really disappointed in me. I also feel shame, that I knew what I was doing and did it anyway. My guilt still consumes me, I have a constant headache that won't go away, and now my stomach burns.
Oh, Lord GOD, I need you now.
I realize now that my guilt is for the things I have done, although I know they were wrong and I did it anyway, is because of my depression. I realize now that I used it as an escape from the hurt, sadness, and grief of my son, my baby, going to Heaven.
But, how do I change it? Is there a way to escape with out hurting myself or others feelings?
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