Sunday, January 01, 2012
Man, it has been a long time since I have been here! I have missed it. Missed all of you!
I am still maintaining my 145lb loss. Some parts of maintenance have been super duper easy. I truly hated how unattractive and unsexy I felt when I was fat. It is not hard for me to tap into those feelings again when I feel the urge to over eat and that keeps me on track. I don't want to go back there. However, I felt my best when I was tracking, eating 6 times a day, and eat clean foods which I have gotten away from so here I am, back to get myself feeling my best again.
Some parts of maintenance have been super difficult. Like the fact that almost a year ago, I screwed up my leg at a Roller Derby practice, had surgery to fix it, did it again, and finally, on Dec 6, got a new ACL. The past year has made exercising difficult. I wasn't able to do the stuff I love like running. Aside from walking, I have gotten away from exercising.
I am not mobile yet. Still using crutches and a wheelchair when I have to but here are my goals for 2012.
1. Eat 6 healthy, small meals a day.
2. Go back to the gym!!!
3. Go back to marathon training(won't happen until closer to the end of 2012)!
4. Track ALL my meals.
5. Maintain at 135(maybe even drop a couple more..we'll see)
6. Tighten and tone all over.
Happy New Year everyone!
Friday, July 08, 2011
I opened my eyes thinking about this subject this morning. You know those few moments where you aren't quite awake but not still sleeping, and the house is blissfully quiet, and your mind wanders? Well, my mind wandered to thoughts of twinkies and cheesecakes. Potato chips and margaritas. Then I started thinking of all the things I miss and I realized, there is A LOT. And this is probably going to be a blog that is totally counter-productive to everything we are supposed to have learned but if there is one thing that I have learned on this journey, it's that there is no right or wrong to feelings and these are my feelings.
Sometimes, I miss being the fat girl.
Here's some of the things I miss the most:
1. Food. Sitting down at the table among dishes of yummy goodness and just being able to eat and eat and eat. That feeling of being full and needing a nap after dinner.
2. Ordering what I want off a menu. Not having to consider every single nutritional element before I put the fork to my mouth. Usually a trip to a restaurant involves date night or friends and is supposed to include laughter but I am too busy worrying whether my meal is going to throw me into sodium oblivion to notice anymore. I miss just sharing food with friends along with a few chuckles.
3. People loving me for my personality and me knowing that they love me for my personality. Here's the thing I found when I was overweight. People don't want to socialize, hang out, and talk with you as much. It's like they are afraid of catching the fat. Those friends that did stick with me were friends who truly loved me. Now here's the thing I find now as a skinny girl. People approach me all the time. It's like my new self confidence is a magnet. I miss knowing that the people hanging with me were doing so because of who I am and not what I look like.
4. Being a wallflower. Yep, I miss it, There is something to be said for standing at the back watching everyone else do their thing. You learn to pay attention. You learn to read body language really well because you spend all your time staring at other people's bodies.
5. Parking my butt on the couch with a book, a movie, a pint of Ben n Jerry's and just immersing myself in some mindless drudgery. We learn on this journey that we need to be mindful. Sometimes I miss being mindless because sometimes I just need to shut it all off and just "be".
6. Comfort. I have to be honest and say that to me.....FOOD=COMFORT and nothing short of a lobotomy, is going to change that. Walking into a home that smells like gingerbread cooking, brings me comfort and peace and happiness. The smell of lettuce just doesn't bring on the same feelings, ya know?
7. I miss the choices and the indulgence. Not caring where my next meal came from as long as it came.
8. I miss movie theater popcorn and chocolate. Licking the bowl after making a cake...
9. I miss my boobs....LOL
10. Freedom. Not having to have everything scheduled so that I can squeeze in exercise, and 6 tiny meals a day. Not having to write down everything I eat. There is something free-ing, to me, about going to a buffet and not having to stick to the salad side.
No one ever tells you that there is going to be things you are going to mourn about your fat self. I spent years and years thinking...."Life would be perfect if only I was skinny" or "I'd be happy if I were thin!"
WRONG, WRONG, and some more....WRONG.
Being skinny doesn't make you happy. It doesn't magically make you feel beautiful or sexy. It doesn't suddenly make you feel less awkward in social situations or not trip over your tongue when you talk to boys. Being skinny isn't better. It's just different.
There are definitely things that I DON'T miss about being fat and in all fairness, I am going to list them too.
1. People staring and me *knowing* they are staring because I am fat. In reality, they could be staring because they are thinking, "Man, I love that girl's shoes!" or "That chick needs to do up her fly!" but to me, it was always because they were thinking, "That girl really needs to drop some serious poundage!"
2. Hearing...."You have such a pretty face if only......" followed by some comment about my weight. The rudest, most backhanded comment ever. Seriously, why do people use that line? Like somehow being fat, makes us not have feelings.
3. My thighs chafing. I will never, ever miss that.
4. Being a wallflower. This one, made both my lists. I remember standing in the back and always wishing. Wishing I had the confidence to dance, laugh, talk like everyone else.
5. Having to tie my shirts to the hangers because they were too big to stay on.
6. My muffin top(however, I do miss muffins!).
7. Dreaming about the day I was skinny. All those hours wasted, lost in thought, wondering what I would look like, be like, if only I wasn't morbidly obese.
8. Buying whatever off the rack just because it was the only thing that fit me. As long as it fit, I didn't care what it looked like.
9. Feeling like I was wasting precious time not being who I was meant to be.
10. Letting someone else's words(fatso, pig, whale, whatever....) define me. Like just because I was bigger, someone else somehow had the right to call me names. Fat really is the last acceptable prejudice.
What's the point of this blog, you ask?
I don't know. Not really.
I have come to some realizations lately though.
Who I am now is who I was before and who I was then, is who I still am. I find myself sometimes thinking of my former self as a separate person and the "new" me as a better person and that's not the truth. Sure, I am more toned, smaller, more confident but there are lots of really good things I learned from being fat. I learned to be a good friend because people somehow felt that being the big girl meant I was a good listener. I learned not to judge others so quickly because I was constantly judged. I learned to look at people for WHO they are and not what they looked like.
I sometimes read blogs where people say...."I don't even remember who I was when I was that girl(referring to their former, larger selves)." Like that's a good thing. Like that person didn't matter. It isn't and she did. She mattered then and she matters now. Who she was is who you still are.
Being skinny doesn't make you a different or a better person because grass isn't greener on the other side. Both sides still take sh!t to grow. I don't ever want to forget where I came from or that I wasn't less because I was bigger. I am more because I walked that journey.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Actually, it's TOTALLY boring.
So I am putting along. Holding my own and maintaining my weight(it really is time for some updated photos soon) which, don't get me wrong, is totally FREAKIN' AWESOME but man, it is completely dullsville. Especially when you are exercise restricted. Next weekend, I should have been running my first full marathon but I still face at least one more surgery on my leg, running is not on the horizon for me anytime soon. I miss it terribly.
Even the urge to buy every item of clothing that fits me has passed. For awhile there, trying on clothing became my pass time. Popping into stores just to see if I could fit the next size down from the last time I was there was exciting but there is no next size down for me. I am where I was headed and that's a good thing, right?
But I am bored.
Bored. Bored. Bored.
What do you with your self after you have lost more than 140 lbs? You step up your exercise game! But I can't do that right now.
Even the need to plant myself in front of the mirror and stare at my various new body parts(Yes, I did that) has passed. Probably some kind of sign of acceptance that this is where I am, who I am, and where I am going to stay. Cool but dull. I am a girl that needs a mission.
I spent an entire year wanting to get to the maintenance stage and when I would read other blogs about how hard maintenance was, I would think, "how could it possibly be hard? Everything will be so easy when I get there!"
Don't get me wrong. I am happy. Happy with my body for once in my life. Healthier then I have ever been. I just need to somehow kick it up a notch!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Sometimes, despite my IQ, I do the most idiotic things. Generally, those idiotic things are born out of stubbornness. I wish there was a pill for that.
My newly fixed knee is now UN-fixed because I didn't listen. My Doctor said I could go back to exercising as long as I avoided pivoting, running, and falling. He even said I could skate as long as I was extremely careful not to fall and I didn't take part in any hitting or play in any games.
(Totally boring to just skate around while everyone else smacks the hell out of one another.)
Sunday, I attended an off-skate practice. It's just as hard. We do everything we do normally, just in bare feet. I had a moment where I knew I was pushing it. I fell running. Snapped a toe on my other foot. Ego kicked in though because usually, I am the fastest runner. That day, I was the slowest so I kicked it up a notch. I didn't do the things that I knew would be painful but still, my leg was shaking and threatening to completely give out. And then my common sense went completely out the window. We were paired up to do a hitting exercise. I was partnered with a girl that I can literally push over with my index finger. I am thinking in my head..."I'll be okay." My H is b*tching at me not to do this exercise(like he had been all night. It was getting on my last nerve). Somehow, the pairs get out of order, and I am suddenly paired with the hardest hitter.
(Helllloooo....that was your cue to go home!)
Hit #1 caused pain. Hit #2 caused the most pain I have ever felt in my life and I have had three kids without drugs. Seriously. I tattoo various parts of my anatomy for fun and sleep through it but this pain made me pass out.
My new ACL that was just screwed into my knee weeks ago, tore out of my knee and my shin snapped. So gross. The most disgusting feeling ever. I made a mess of my leg. There goes my plans for running the Manitoba Marathon this year. There goes Roller Derby for awhile. All because I was too stubborn to listen.
I was really blessed to have a fabulous doctor at the ER. Waiting lists to even see the surgeon here are months long. She managed to get me into a Sports Surgeon guy on Monday. He was awesome and he specifically deals with hockey players. He had a custom brace built for me yesterday but unfortunately, he can't fix the damage I did and had to pull some strings to bump me up the line with an orthopedic surgeon. So, this time I am getting a graft from a cadaver(ick). My exercise is limited to walking and cycling. I can no longer wear any tight pants(that's all I have since I lost weight) because my new bionic leg cannot go over my pants. Physio, physio, physio. And they are watching my weight like hawks because any weight gain is going to cause my leg a problem and somehow, that just makes me want to eat, eat, eat.
So frustrated at myself today.
Get An Email Alert Each Time JODY22002 Posts