JODROX   40,540
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JODROX's Recent Blog Entries

Baby Steps

Sunday, July 17, 2011

It looks like I need to ease back into the whole diet/exercise thing. Last week I ran twice and walked twice and managed to track food most of the week. I'm up a couple pounds this week, but I'm not too worried about it - it's probably from the salty popcorn I ate last night. Next week I'll try to stick to my plans a little better.

I seem to have entered a new phase of grieving: crabbiness. I'm short with my family and don't feel like being very sociable at work. Getting some time to myself would be good... time to read, journal, reflect, walk... Maybe the thing is all the inane conversations. They can be a nice distraction, but sometimes I feel like shouting, "Don't you know I just lost my dad?!?!" It's selfish, but sometimes it takes a lot of energy to take part in those everyday, normal conversations. My mind is on other things. Obviously.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROSALIEESTHER 7/18/2011 9:09PM

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother 2 years ago and I grieve all the time. I too get cranky, self destructive and painfully aware that everyone expects me to just go on with life as normal.

Please be patient with yourself. Please be kind to yourself. Please keep writing about what is happening with you.

We're in this for the long haul.

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MDBUTTERFLY 7/17/2011 9:50AM

    Baby steps are good. So is time alone...just try not to shut out the world its easy to do).
Im so very sorry for your loss.

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Low Expectations

Monday, July 11, 2011

I ran today. I knew it would be hard, so I set my goal really, really low. After 6 weeks off filled with despair and lethargy, I knew my first time running was not going to be stellar. I decided I would go 30 minutes and run one minute every five minutes. I did it. Each minute of running was not terribly difficult. It felt awkward, like these legs aren't mine. Just odd. But I did it. It's a first step.

My plan is to continue with exactly that plan for a week and then try to do a little more. This is exactly how I started 6 months ago. I know I can do it.



Sunday, July 10, 2011

July 1 = restart day. NOT.

Since I "restarted," I've gained 4 pounds and still haven't exercised even once. This is even harder than I expected. I thought returning to my nearly obsessive food tracking and dedicated exercising might be something of a comfort, something for me to put my mind on. Instead, it's like the minute I told myself I was going to be "good" again, mentally I rebelled and started eating worse. What's that about?!

And the exercise... Just like the old days, I am struggling to find the time or the energy to squeeze it in. Even when I could, I just don't. The January-April me made the time no matter what.

I know what I need to do. I *just* did this!

When it comes to eating, I need to stay on top of food tracking so I don't go over.

For exercise, I need to plan ahead. Look at the calendar for the week and figure out when is the best time to exercise each day.

It's not that hard. It's just hard when you don't feel like it. But it's not going to get any easier as the days go by. I'm just getting lazier. Exercise will help me to regain some energy.

I have to do this. I want to do this!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROSALIEESTHER 7/11/2011 9:29PM

    Don't be so hard on yourself. You're in this for the long haul. Part of what got us into this fix (I think) is feeling that we're so stressed out and there are so many demands on us that we just are kind of in a state of rebellion.

So, maybe instead of berating yourself for not jumping in again with both feet, just breathe. Take a look at what you are feeling. Be kind to yourself.

These tools are here for you and you are using the very most effective one: writing to other SparkPeople members. You're going to be fine.

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DHARMAPHILE 7/11/2011 6:24AM

    It's so hard, isn't it? Once you're in "the zone" it gets easier but then life gets in the way and you struggle to get back into the routine of tracking and exercising.

I love how you're being honest with yourself but at the same time it doesn't sound like you're beating yourself up over it which is great. This is real life after all. Stuff happens, we wobble and being able to get yourself back on track - that is the real training.

What I do is start small - say with focussing on getting my water quota. It's funny how once I succeed with one small change that everything snowballs in a positive direction.

You will get there Jodrox (and everyone else going through smilar), just keep on doing the very best you can.

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JOAN_HEO 7/10/2011 10:50AM

    Maybe the reason for doing this or ANYthing in life is wanting it more than wanting what you are already doing. I've done this dieting thing before but this time it was a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes that scared me straight. I no longer have it after a year at SparkPeople but I sure as heck never want to go there again!

I hope you re-find your reason to get this work done. I know it's important to your friends and family to have a fit and healthy you! It's even more important to you. Who deserves that more? NO one!

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B2B2BA 7/10/2011 9:27AM

    I've been in the same place for the last two months. I am working on getting back to my normal exercise routine but it is hard, especially after such a long break.

Do what you need to do for yourself today. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.


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HOPN2SUMMER 7/10/2011 9:19AM

    emoticon I'm having the same problem! It's simple, but it's not easy is it? Let's just take it one day at a time!

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Starting Again

Friday, July 01, 2011

A few weeks ago, I became aware of the very real possibility that I would fall into my old, bad habits and easily gain a lot of weight through comfort/stress eating and lack of exercise. I don't want that to happen. I worked so hard to lose this weight and become more fit.

And so I decided that July 1 would be a good day to restart keeping track of food intake and exercise. I've done nothing but a few slow walks in the past month. My eating hasn't been too bad. Honestly I'm surprised I haven't gained because I haven't been tracking at all, and I feel like I have overeaten at times. Anyway, for whatever reason, I have lost a few. Now I'm only 13 pounds from my goal.

I miss my dad so much... but I don't know if I'll write about it here anymore. I came to Sparkpeople to help me lose weight and didn't really intend to reveal much about my personal life here, other than as it relates to weight loss. Thanks for your understanding and support - so many kind comments from my Spark friends.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOOGYMUM 7/1/2011 6:35PM

    Not gaining any weight has proven you've changed your ways for good and amazingly you've even lost a few emoticon

The last pounds are the hardest to shift and maybe a small break will have done you more good than you realise. Now you can push on with a new determination and reach that goal you've dreamed about - stay strong emoticon

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LADYRH 7/1/2011 9:12AM

    Hang in there, you can do it one small step at a time. emoticon

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I Miss You, Dad

Friday, June 17, 2011

I still can't believe that it's true, but my dad passed away two weeks ago. He was a wonderful man, so dear to me, and I miss him terribly. It's hard to imagine life without him.

It feels wrong and impossible to resume normal activities, and if I had a choice I probably wouldn't. Not yet. It's too soon.

But work doesn't entirely let you off the hook. I was able to take a week off, and then I had to get back to work to finish a big project. My brain was only half working, so I'm hoping that I didn't make too many mistakes.

And kids need to get back to some semblance of a normal life, so we're back to baseball and other kid stuff that we had planned on. Before.

That first week especially was horrible. We were suspended in a bubble of disbelief and shock. How could this be true and how will we ever go on without him?

But then, forced to do some normal things, we had to start. Go to the grocery store, pay a bill, take kids to their activities... It feels wrong. I feel like I would like to curl up and cry in bed all day, but the truth is, when I wake up in the morning, I don't like to lie there and think about it too long. It's too painful. I want to get up and do something.

That first day back at work was very hard. How could I think about meaningless technical crap when my dad is gone? Then I imagined what Dad would say. Don't worry about work; it'll get done. Cut yourself some slack. Dad was always right.

Eventually I will be ready to pay attention to my fitness goals again. I don't want to gain back all this weight, and that is a concern because I've always been a stress eater. I want to run again too... later... Right now my body is just lazy and wobbly. I've gone for some slow walks, and that was nice to get some fresh air and move a little.

Dad would want me to take care of myself, my kids, and Mom, and look out for everyone in the family, and live a good life. It won't be easy adjusting to this new reality, but I can feel his calm, reassuring presence and imagine his wise words of advice and even picture the look on his face as he's telling me that it'll be okay. I just keep asking myself, what would Dad do and what would Dad say, and that helps me know that I just have to keep on. Maybe it starts with just going through the motions, and eventually I'll be living again.

I miss you, Dad.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HDHAWK 6/19/2011 9:09PM

    I'm sorry about the loss of your dad. Take the time you need to grieve.

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COSMIC_ENERGY 6/19/2011 8:50PM

    I too am sorry for your loss. I saw you were in the team (Moving forward Through the Grief and Loss) to post but then edited it. Come back in when you are ready. We understand. Allow yourself times to grieve long and hard. Sometimes life forces us forward, and if we don't honor that need to grieve it gets stuffed and keeps burbling back up. emoticon

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HARRINGTON5 6/17/2011 6:31PM

    There really isn't anything anyone can say about losing your Dad. I have lost both my parents and I really do know what you are going through because I felt the same way. You are doing the right thing though. Trying to get back on schedule as quickly as possible does help. Time helps too. I still miss my Mom and Dad every day, but now I just remember the good times and the pain isn't so strong any more. It does make me feel good when I think that my parents would be proud of this or that. I still feel like they look in on me from time to time. My thoughts are with you.

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HEALTHYMAMA4 6/17/2011 6:26PM

    I'm sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Maybe you could dedicate a run or workout or do something special to honor your dad! Is there a cause that sponsers a run or something? Perhaps this would help you focus on staying healthy, as he would have wanted and a great way for you to honor your Dad! Praying for you, especially fo strength and comfort.

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TRACEY719 6/17/2011 11:02AM

    I'm sorry for your loss. My dad was taken from us very suddenly in January 2010. It is hard to get back to work and 'normal' life. You want the world to stop while you grieve, but it doesn't work that way.
Take things slow. Only do what you can do. As the days go by, it will get a little easier to return to your routine.
Take care

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ABISMITHY 6/17/2011 10:33AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss... I lost my dad 9 years ago and I still miss him so much. I wish that he'd met my children as before them, I didn't know how much love you can feel for your children, which he must have felt for me and my brother.

Take things easy, it will be hard but try to think about all the great things you did together and what stories you can tell your children about what their grandpa did when you were growing up.

Take care of yourself - take a walk sometimes and try to squeeze in some time for you. He will be proud of you.

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BALOOSMUM 6/17/2011 10:22AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. May your Dad's memory bring you peace and comfort. Be kind to yourself in the coming days- loss affects us in unfathomable ways.

Your family is in my thoughts.

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LILIVW 6/17/2011 10:18AM

    I'm so sorry about your Dad. My Dad passed away 2 years ago this Father's Day. I pray you will find peace. I am glad you are working on taking care of yourself, family and Mom. I still miss my Dad but the pain is much less. When I run sometimes I talk with him; it probably sounds silly but it helps me to think he is somewhere close by still. Prayers to you and your family.

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ROSALIEESTHER 6/17/2011 10:17AM

    I'm so very very sorry for your loss. You express yourself beautifully and I can feel your love for your father and your pain at losing him.

You are so right, your Dad sounds wonderful and he absolutely would want you to stay on track taking care of yourself and your loved ones. You know that.

Please use this site to keep talking about your feelings and most of all, let yourself feel.

Our society is crazy. We expect everyone to "get over it" when we lose a loved one. I have gone through the same thing, my Dad died 11 years ago and 2 years ago, we lost my Mom.

Please don't force yourself emotionally. But, don't do like I did and let yourself down. I put on so much weight after my mother died and I'm just waking up to that fact now.

I'm here for you and so is the entire Spark community. We are glad you shared your grief with us. Please stay in touch.


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