Sunday, July 17, 2011
It looks like I need to ease back into the whole diet/exercise thing. Last week I ran twice and walked twice and managed to track food most of the week. I'm up a couple pounds this week, but I'm not too worried about it - it's probably from the salty popcorn I ate last night. Next week I'll try to stick to my plans a little better.
I seem to have entered a new phase of grieving: crabbiness. I'm short with my family and don't feel like being very sociable at work. Getting some time to myself would be good... time to read, journal, reflect, walk... Maybe the thing is all the inane conversations. They can be a nice distraction, but sometimes I feel like shouting, "Don't you know I just lost my dad?!?!" It's selfish, but sometimes it takes a lot of energy to take part in those everyday, normal conversations. My mind is on other things. Obviously.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I ran today. I knew it would be hard, so I set my goal really, really low. After 6 weeks off filled with despair and lethargy, I knew my first time running was not going to be stellar. I decided I would go 30 minutes and run one minute every five minutes. I did it. Each minute of running was not terribly difficult. It felt awkward, like these legs aren't mine. Just odd. But I did it. It's a first step.
My plan is to continue with exactly that plan for a week and then try to do a little more. This is exactly how I started 6 months ago. I know I can do it.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
July 1 = restart day. NOT.
Since I "restarted," I've gained 4 pounds and still haven't exercised even once. This is even harder than I expected. I thought returning to my nearly obsessive food tracking and dedicated exercising might be something of a comfort, something for me to put my mind on. Instead, it's like the minute I told myself I was going to be "good" again, mentally I rebelled and started eating worse. What's that about?!
And the exercise... Just like the old days, I am struggling to find the time or the energy to squeeze it in. Even when I could, I just don't. The January-April me made the time no matter what.
I know what I need to do. I *just* did this!
When it comes to eating, I need to stay on top of food tracking so I don't go over.
For exercise, I need to plan ahead. Look at the calendar for the week and figure out when is the best time to exercise each day.
It's not that hard. It's just hard when you don't feel like it. But it's not going to get any easier as the days go by. I'm just getting lazier. Exercise will help me to regain some energy.
I have to do this. I want to do this!
Friday, July 01, 2011
A few weeks ago, I became aware of the very real possibility that I would fall into my old, bad habits and easily gain a lot of weight through comfort/stress eating and lack of exercise. I don't want that to happen. I worked so hard to lose this weight and become more fit.
And so I decided that July 1 would be a good day to restart keeping track of food intake and exercise. I've done nothing but a few slow walks in the past month. My eating hasn't been too bad. Honestly I'm surprised I haven't gained because I haven't been tracking at all, and I feel like I have overeaten at times. Anyway, for whatever reason, I have lost a few. Now I'm only 13 pounds from my goal.
I miss my dad so much... but I don't know if I'll write about it here anymore. I came to Sparkpeople to help me lose weight and didn't really intend to reveal much about my personal life here, other than as it relates to weight loss. Thanks for your understanding and support - so many kind comments from my Spark friends.
Friday, June 17, 2011
I still can't believe that it's true, but my dad passed away two weeks ago. He was a wonderful man, so dear to me, and I miss him terribly. It's hard to imagine life without him.
It feels wrong and impossible to resume normal activities, and if I had a choice I probably wouldn't. Not yet. It's too soon.
But work doesn't entirely let you off the hook. I was able to take a week off, and then I had to get back to work to finish a big project. My brain was only half working, so I'm hoping that I didn't make too many mistakes.
And kids need to get back to some semblance of a normal life, so we're back to baseball and other kid stuff that we had planned on. Before.
That first week especially was horrible. We were suspended in a bubble of disbelief and shock. How could this be true and how will we ever go on without him?
But then, forced to do some normal things, we had to start. Go to the grocery store, pay a bill, take kids to their activities... It feels wrong. I feel like I would like to curl up and cry in bed all day, but the truth is, when I wake up in the morning, I don't like to lie there and think about it too long. It's too painful. I want to get up and do something.
That first day back at work was very hard. How could I think about meaningless technical crap when my dad is gone? Then I imagined what Dad would say. Don't worry about work; it'll get done. Cut yourself some slack. Dad was always right.
Eventually I will be ready to pay attention to my fitness goals again. I don't want to gain back all this weight, and that is a concern because I've always been a stress eater. I want to run again too... later... Right now my body is just lazy and wobbly. I've gone for some slow walks, and that was nice to get some fresh air and move a little.
Dad would want me to take care of myself, my kids, and Mom, and look out for everyone in the family, and live a good life. It won't be easy adjusting to this new reality, but I can feel his calm, reassuring presence and imagine his wise words of advice and even picture the look on his face as he's telling me that it'll be okay. I just keep asking myself, what would Dad do and what would Dad say, and that helps me know that I just have to keep on. Maybe it starts with just going through the motions, and eventually I'll be living again.
I miss you, Dad.
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