JODROX   40,363
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I Miss You, Dad

Friday, June 17, 2011

I still can't believe that it's true, but my dad passed away two weeks ago. He was a wonderful man, so dear to me, and I miss him terribly. It's hard to imagine life without him.

It feels wrong and impossible to resume normal activities, and if I had a choice I probably wouldn't. Not yet. It's too soon.

But work doesn't entirely let you off the hook. I was able to take a week off, and then I had to get back to work to finish a big project. My brain was only half working, so I'm hoping that I didn't make too many mistakes.

And kids need to get back to some semblance of a normal life, so we're back to baseball and other kid stuff that we had planned on. Before.

That first week especially was horrible. We were suspended in a bubble of disbelief and shock. How could this be true and how will we ever go on without him?

But then, forced to do some normal things, we had to start. Go to the grocery store, pay a bill, take kids to their activities... It feels wrong. I feel like I would like to curl up and cry in bed all day, but the truth is, when I wake up in the morning, I don't like to lie there and think about it too long. It's too painful. I want to get up and do something.

That first day back at work was very hard. How could I think about meaningless technical crap when my dad is gone? Then I imagined what Dad would say. Don't worry about work; it'll get done. Cut yourself some slack. Dad was always right.

Eventually I will be ready to pay attention to my fitness goals again. I don't want to gain back all this weight, and that is a concern because I've always been a stress eater. I want to run again too... later... Right now my body is just lazy and wobbly. I've gone for some slow walks, and that was nice to get some fresh air and move a little.

Dad would want me to take care of myself, my kids, and Mom, and look out for everyone in the family, and live a good life. It won't be easy adjusting to this new reality, but I can feel his calm, reassuring presence and imagine his wise words of advice and even picture the look on his face as he's telling me that it'll be okay. I just keep asking myself, what would Dad do and what would Dad say, and that helps me know that I just have to keep on. Maybe it starts with just going through the motions, and eventually I'll be living again.

I miss you, Dad.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HDHAWK 6/19/2011 9:09PM

    I'm sorry about the loss of your dad. Take the time you need to grieve.

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COSMIC_ENERGY 6/19/2011 8:50PM

    I too am sorry for your loss. I saw you were in the team (Moving forward Through the Grief and Loss) to post but then edited it. Come back in when you are ready. We understand. Allow yourself times to grieve long and hard. Sometimes life forces us forward, and if we don't honor that need to grieve it gets stuffed and keeps burbling back up. emoticon

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HARRINGTON5 6/17/2011 6:31PM

    There really isn't anything anyone can say about losing your Dad. I have lost both my parents and I really do know what you are going through because I felt the same way. You are doing the right thing though. Trying to get back on schedule as quickly as possible does help. Time helps too. I still miss my Mom and Dad every day, but now I just remember the good times and the pain isn't so strong any more. It does make me feel good when I think that my parents would be proud of this or that. I still feel like they look in on me from time to time. My thoughts are with you.

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HEALTHYMAMA4 6/17/2011 6:26PM

    I'm sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Maybe you could dedicate a run or workout or do something special to honor your dad! Is there a cause that sponsers a run or something? Perhaps this would help you focus on staying healthy, as he would have wanted and a great way for you to honor your Dad! Praying for you, especially fo strength and comfort.

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TRACEY719 6/17/2011 11:02AM

    I'm sorry for your loss. My dad was taken from us very suddenly in January 2010. It is hard to get back to work and 'normal' life. You want the world to stop while you grieve, but it doesn't work that way.
Take things slow. Only do what you can do. As the days go by, it will get a little easier to return to your routine.
Take care

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ABISMITHY 6/17/2011 10:33AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss... I lost my dad 9 years ago and I still miss him so much. I wish that he'd met my children as before them, I didn't know how much love you can feel for your children, which he must have felt for me and my brother.

Take things easy, it will be hard but try to think about all the great things you did together and what stories you can tell your children about what their grandpa did when you were growing up.

Take care of yourself - take a walk sometimes and try to squeeze in some time for you. He will be proud of you.

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BALOOSMUM 6/17/2011 10:22AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. May your Dad's memory bring you peace and comfort. Be kind to yourself in the coming days- loss affects us in unfathomable ways.

Your family is in my thoughts.

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LILIVW 6/17/2011 10:18AM

    I'm so sorry about your Dad. My Dad passed away 2 years ago this Father's Day. I pray you will find peace. I am glad you are working on taking care of yourself, family and Mom. I still miss my Dad but the pain is much less. When I run sometimes I talk with him; it probably sounds silly but it helps me to think he is somewhere close by still. Prayers to you and your family.

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ROSALIEESTHER 6/17/2011 10:17AM

    I'm so very very sorry for your loss. You express yourself beautifully and I can feel your love for your father and your pain at losing him.

You are so right, your Dad sounds wonderful and he absolutely would want you to stay on track taking care of yourself and your loved ones. You know that.

Please use this site to keep talking about your feelings and most of all, let yourself feel.

Our society is crazy. We expect everyone to "get over it" when we lose a loved one. I have gone through the same thing, my Dad died 11 years ago and 2 years ago, we lost my Mom.

Please don't force yourself emotionally. But, don't do like I did and let yourself down. I put on so much weight after my mother died and I'm just waking up to that fact now.

I'm here for you and so is the entire Spark community. We are glad you shared your grief with us. Please stay in touch.


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The Down Side of Blood Letting

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Let me start by saying I've been turned away the last four times I tried to give blood due to low iron. I tried it again today and was able to donate. Hurrah. I actually thought about skipping because then I wouldn't be able to work out tonight... but the Good Samaritan in me made me do it.

Let me also tell a little story about one time when I gave blood and was so happy it went well (former needlephobic) that I kinda forgot about it and proceeded to do a light workout and have a glass of wine and ended up passing out and being so completely drained of all energy that I couldn't get off the floor for hours. Yeah...

So today I did it. It was fine. And then... I was ravenous and a little woozy to boot. I ate and ate and ate and slept and ate some more -- about 700 calories over my limit for the day. Jeepers.

I don't want to discourage anyone from giving blood. I wish more people would so I didn't have to :) Seriously, I think everyone should unless they can't. If I can overcome needlephobia (actually fainted many times just from the fear of it), anyone can.


Run Like the Wind, Bulls-Eye!

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

I ran my first 5k April 30, a huge, ginormous, big deal for me. I actually overdid it, I'm quite sure, because I developed this weird little asthma-like cough and then had the darndest time running the whole month of May. Ok, maybe I *am* a hypochondriac regarding my little cough (could be allergies), and maybe the fact that I tried to switch to early morning workouts would explain why I couldn't run as well. Still... May was a month of Runner's Self Doubt.

Or it could have been just relief and a celebratory relaxation period. WOW, I accomplished a huge thing. Now... collapse! I didn't do it intentionally. I just scaled back, relaxed my careful eating standards, gained a few, lost a few, ran less, relaxed more.

I lost a grand total of 3 pounds in the month of May and, not wanting that trend to continue, I jumped back into running and better eating. I was nervous about the running. How far back did I slide? I ran 35 minutes straight in the 5k. Could I even run 10 or 20 now?

I decided to take a different approach. Rather than obsessing about my numbers, try to run well and walk some. I found an 8k running plan, not that I'm planning on doing an 8k. I just loved how week 1 of the plan was run 7 minutes and walk a minute (repeat). I thought, "I CAN DO THAT!" And I did! It may take me a while to bump up to the next week. But I'm so happy to be on a plan again! And I felt good running again!


No Pain, No ... Pain?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Over the holiday weekend, my husband and I tackled a landscaping project. Truthfully, he did 90% of the work. Sunday he worked on it all day. I spent maybe 5 hours on it. Shoveling and hauling rocks... squatting and bending over in awkward positions.. It was grueling. Much as I like a good workout, I've never been a fan of the hard manual labor so many home renovation projects require. After an hour, I just want to quit. But we had to get it done, and we did!

We both knew that we'd be in agony the next day. I was worried about his back. The next day he said he was a little sore, but I wasn't sore yet. Then I remembered: these things always hit me two days later. So today I should have been all aches and pains. But I wasn't! I'm trying to decide if it's because I'm in better shape now or if it's this miracle Chia seed I've been eating. Either way, I 'm glad I don't hurt!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEEBEE1936 5/31/2011 11:58PM

    No pain is something we all would like to be able to say. Especially if you have artritis or fibro or many other things that cause us pain.

Good for you.

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PROFKORI 5/31/2011 11:54PM

    pain free is definitely good!

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High Calorie, No Satisfaction

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I just realized something today. I've been really struggling to get back to "light" eating... basically going a little or a lot over for the last 3 weeks or so, after 4 months of serious dedication. I cut myself some slack, thinking it was okay if my weight plateau'd for a short time, but then I'd get back on track and lose the rest that I need to lose. Alas, it's been harder getting back on track than I would have hoped.

So today was the day. After 3 days of not even bothering to keep track of food here on Sparkpeople, I started again today. Yes! I can do this!

I was meeting friends at 9:30 at Perkins. Great. Problem is, I usually eat breakfast right away in the morning. Sometimes I can hold off until 9:30, and sometimes I start feeling sick if I let myself go hungry for those 3 hours. So I ate a light and very healthy breakfast at home. I knew that I could sit there at Perkins and just order coffee. I had done it before. Or maybe I could get a muffin and just eat half. Whole muffin = 550-580 calories! I didn't really have a plan.

We met at Perkins. I kind of wanted something. I figured I could eat something now and just eat less the rest of the day. Yeah, that's a good plan...? I ordered the muffin. I ate the muffin, remembering vaguely something about only eating half. But it was like eating air -- very tasty air, mind you, but at no point did I feel like I had eaten anything substantial. 580 calories and no "full" sensation!

I went to work. We have the luxury of actually having lunches provided for us. I was thinking about my lunch sitting there waiting for me to come and fetch it. I thought, "I'll just eat the fruit and put the sandwich in the frig for later." This was only two and a half hours after eating that mammoth muffin. I fetched my lunch. I ate the fruit. I felt kind of hungry... So I ate half of the sandwich and put the other half in the frig for later.

All day I've been marveling at the fact that you can eat such a large, high-calorie treat like that, and it's like nothing. I never eat 500+ calories for breakfast, and yet today when I had that on top of my light breakfast, I was still hungry for lunch!

Just goes to show: Choose your foods wisely. Those treats we crave are so deceptive. They're really only good in your mouth. They do no good whatsoever in your body. They don't even bother to fill you up so you can eat light to compensate. Lesson learned. I'm not saying I'll never eat treats again, but I need to limit them and budget the rest of my day too accommodate such a splurge.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JODROX 5/30/2011 1:38PM

    Great idea! I agree it's all about planning ahead, as I obviously didn't do that day we went to Perkins. And it's all about getting back in that mindset. I'm getting myself there again - did pretty well this week! Thanks for your comment!

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STANBUSH 5/30/2011 12:41PM

    Hi... saw you in the new Team Leader forums. I know how repetitive it sounds.. .but if you will get some ziplock snack bags...and put measured portion snack bags of healthy alternatives in your ?purse?pants?... you can eat without guilt all day long. I make mine up on Sunday and carry them all week long. I don't worry about that sandwich calling my name, or the muffin that stretched my calorie intake... I just worry about the snacks. And..btw... I don't look at calories at all (unless I'm on a plateau)...

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