JODAFEEN17   13,699
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Falling backwards...

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sometimes I just don't get it...I sabotage myself at every turn, it seems, and I don't understand WHY I do that. I joined a weight loss challenge at work last month; I figured it'd be easy, hey, I was already losing weight, was heading below 190. But, as soon as I joined, I gained, yes, GAINED 10 pounds! What the heck is wrong with me? Everyone comments on my lunches, how healthy they are, and I walk all over the store, all day. Wearing the pedometer at work has shown me just how much I DO walk (one day I racked up 17,858 steps!), and yet I am feeling puffy, lethargic, and let's face it, FAT. I'm tired and discouraged and feel like giving up.
Looking over a previous blog entry, I was about to break up with my boyfriend back in November; but of course I procrastinated for a couple months (can't break up with someone over the holidays, that's just cruel...). He found a job, started in December, and has started to bring in some much needed income into the house. And because of his job, he's lost 15-20 pounds in a month! He's finally weighing less than me...so of course I'm even MORE discouraged. I did write him a letter, letting him know how I feel about our relationship, and that I felt it was time to call it quits. Well, he was devastated...and then he wrote ME a letter, giving all the reasons why we should stay together. A lot of it was laced with guilt aimed at me; it was MY idea to come out to New Mexico, we used HIS credit card for the move and now he's in debt and because he wasn't working, he fell in arrears and now has a terrible credit rating. He loves me just SO much and he apologized for being so distant the past year. He's trying to make it up to me by taking me out to dinner a lot, but I don't want him to waste his money on meals all the time. I've told him, he needs to save up for a bike or some other means of transporation, since the bus system out here leaves a lot to be desired (like more routes and more run times!) and having just one car is becoming a real hassle.
I feel like I've fallen into a pool of negativity, and I want to give up, and I'm killing myself with food, all the wrong kinds and too much of it. I don't really want to be with him anymore, but now it's a question of survival...we need each other in order to be comfortable, get our bills paid on time, get enough food in the house for each other's needs, share in the chores so all of it doesn't fall on just one person. Crappy reasons to stay together, but it's all I have right now. I wish I didn't have so much pain, both physically and emotionally. I'm at a point where I feel lost and useless and ugly, and FAT, and I'm tired of it! I was so happy when I was able to buy some clothes a size down from my usual; now I'm going to have to wait to be able to wear the stuff. Frustrating, and I don't see a solution.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JODAFEEN17 4/24/2011 2:31AM

    Thanks for your kind words, Flame and Thisyearsmodel! I am definitely going to keep my focus on the big picture, and you're right, I've pretty well in the grand scheme of things. I have developed better eating habits, and I do more exercise than I used to, and I have lost (and kept off) the first 35 pounds. So yeah, I have done well, and I wiil keep doing better...it's just "right now" that has me down. But I WILL get myself back up again, and start losing this weight and keep the NEXT 20 pounds off...and so on until I get to where I want to be. Thanks again, all of you!

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FLAMENM 4/23/2011 8:48PM

    Ditto This Years Model.

Look at the total progress you have made. Sometimes the scale goes back on us. Sometimes our body rebels. Sometimes we just need to hug ourselves and share a little love witho ourself...

Take your right arm. cross it over your body and gran your lefy shoulder. Take your left arm. Cross it over your body and gran your right shoulder. Squuese.

you just gave yourself a hug!

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THISYEARSMODEL 4/23/2011 2:52PM

    Look at your tracker. Go on, look. I'll sit here and wait...[whistles a tune]

Now, did you happen to notice on your tracker how much TOTAL progress you've made? That's what you have to focus on.

Start again, small. Drink your water and track everything you eat, the good, the bad and the ugly. That will help you get back and motivated.


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JODAFEEN17 4/22/2011 10:15PM

    Guavagirl, thank you for your kind comments and hugs, I sure could use them. I'm generally the one who's "up", who gives everyone a good hug and pat on the back, but I guess I'm the one who needs it now. I will try to pull myself out of this doldrum, and soon, since I really don't like to wallow in self-pity...it doesn't get you anywhere except further down. Thank you again for your kindness!

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GUAVAGIRL3 4/22/2011 10:10PM

    Oh sweetie, I just read your blog and I am sending big, gigantic, huge hugs!!! While everyone's circumstances are different, we certainly all have these times when it seems like nothing is going right. I'm going through a time like that right now, too. What I just keep telling myself is that things will get better. We may fall into negativity and worry and stress for a while, but we always pull ourselves out. Try to find just one thing that is going well and hang on to that. Soon other things will start to turn around, too, and before you know it, you will be out of the bad time and into a good time!

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SparkPeople mentioned in the Molina Healthcare Newsletter*Fall 2010!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Hi there, Sparkers!
I finally opened my Molina healthcare newsletter, and there, on page 5, is a short article about Sparkpeople! I think it's great that the word is getting out, especially into the healthcare community. If more people paid attention to the their health and well-being, then the pharmaceutical companies would go broke, because most of our problems are diet related, and exercise related. We can make ourselves better by doing the simple things:

Eat less, watch your portions, and get your protein, good carbs, and lean fats into your meal plan.
Exercise more, incorporating physical activity into your lifestyle so it becomes a part of your daily life, not something that has to be "planned in".
Keep a positive attitude, and tell yourself you are WORTH IT!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JODAFEEN17 11/25/2010 12:37PM

    Y'know, JWoods, I've been there, sometimes I feel like I'm still stuck there, but once you (and I!) realize it's an ongoing journey, then we know that it IS possible. I truly feel that it's a three part solution:
1. Portion control, moderation in all things dealing with food. If you want a bite of something "bad", then have some! But stop after 2 bites, get up and walk away from it.
2. Activity counts, exercise, walk, take the stairs, park far from the entrance to a store, little things add up. Gotta burn the calories if you want to lose the weight.
3. Change your mindset (for me, the hardest part of the whole equation) to a more positive, self-loving attitude. Tell yourself that you CAN do this, and your body will start to believe it and do what you want it to do.
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JWOODS3367 11/24/2010 11:34PM

    I really appreciate your comment to "make ourselves better by doing the simple things." I've come to realize that most of my life I've somehow made it complicated; possibly because I didn't think I was worth it! So - thank you!

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Making changes

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

After last month's fiasco, where I let myself go and gained back some of the weight I'd lost, I am happy to report that I am now losing the weight again. I had the opportunity to weigh myself during a study I'm participating in (a brain study...they're going to look see if I actually have one! emoticon) and discovered that I had lost 3 pounds since my last weigh-in at my doctor's office a couple weeks ago. It feels good to see some progress, so now I just have to keep up the momentum. I know it's going to be difficult in the next couple months, with all the food holidays coming up. On top of that, I am at the point of giving my BF an ultimatum...either get a job in 2 weeks, or you're OUTTA here. He's a good bit of the reason I'm so stressed; I'm carrying all (or most) of the financial burden on my part time job. I just had my evaluation, and I'll be getting a raise, but I just don't want to do it all with such small returns. He either has to pull his own weight (ouch!) or I'll just have to do it on my own. I think, in the long run, I'll be happier on my own. I've gotten too dependent on him on many levels, and I'm becoming very weak, physically and emotionally. So, it's time to cut the cord and make it on my own.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JODAFEEN17 11/18/2010 7:26PM

    Thanks, Rhi! For me right now, the hardest part is the timing of all this; I think it's a crappy thing to do right at the holidays. But, I also don't want to keep on feeling miserable to the point where I'll get so used to it that I won't do anything about it...aye, the conundrums...

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RHIDENISSEN 11/17/2010 2:34PM

    Baby, you ROCK. Sometimes, what seems painful at the time - turns out to be a wonderful choice. You'll be fine whatever you choose do. It's MAKING the choice that counts!

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Starting over, yet again...square 1 is getting old

Monday, October 04, 2010

Well, after my previous blog, I'm sad to say that all the bit of progress I'd made has gone *poof*. I have regained the weight, plus a little bit more, which is disheartening. I want to blame my work schedule, but deep down I know that's just another excuse. I want to blame the breakroom donuts on Fridays, but again, that's a copout. I think I just gave up.
I have felt many pressures on me: starting counseling, which I guess has brought up a bunch of old, unresolved feelings; being dissatisfied with my life, my boyfriend, my dead garden. It has just all piled up on me, with nowhere to turn but food for comfort and solace. I don't like when I feel this way, and have a hard time getting up out of that darkness when it's just so deep.
Yesterday, however, I got back into walking, which I hadn't done in a while (say months?) by walking to work (partway, just two miles). And, it felt good to do that! I ate salad for dinner tonight, with poached chicken, green beans and just a light sprinkle of cheese. Little by little, I'm working on getting myself back into the right headspace. Wish I knew why I sabotage myself the way I've been doing, but I really need help to get OFF this carousel and ON to a better frame of mind, and thus a better body. I must defeat my self-destructive tendencies before I can count on seeing any success.
Any ideas, anyone? I'll listen to any and all suggestions for fighting the demons!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JODAFEEN17 12/10/2010 7:05PM

    Thanks, TXGrandma! Since this post, I've been trying to keep on the right path, but it's been a tough road, what with being surrounded by Christmas candy (and donuts at work meetings...although I have to admit, the last time there were donuts in the breakroom, I sat right next to them and managed to IGNORE the beasties!). I do feel, however, that I'm making some headway, and right now my team challenge is to NOT gain any weight, so for now I'm aiming for that. Once the holiday temptations are gone, I'll be able to really buckle down and just DO IT. Oh, and getting some new insoles will help.
BTW, I got a kick when you wrote about your husband being from back East like me...I rememeber driving through Kearney and having to hold my breath passing through, the smell from the natural gas refineries was awful fierce! Glad I'm in New Mexico!

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TXGRANDMA 12/10/2010 9:04AM

    Glad that you are back in here! I, too, have been through losing the weight and regaining it again (Weight Watchers is how I lost it and it is a good program, I just backslid) I didn't hear about Spark People until January of this year, 2010, and I joined immediately! Here I am, lost only about 10 pounds that stayed off, originally lost 13, but at this age, it is so hard to keep the weight off. I, too, enjoy walking and have the problem of mindless eating at night. I do wonderfully all day, then at night, fall to pieces! This is my biggest issue, I feel! We need to be Spark People buddies! I met my current husband here in Texas, he moved here from New York State, lived at Schroon Lake, but was born and raised in Kearney, NJ! We both are loving Texas, I was born and raised in Michigan. emoticon

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JODAFEEN17 10/6/2010 7:24PM

    Thanks, Emily! I actually got to take a short walk while I was on my lunch, and I'm eating better, trying to get those portions down. I have to allow myself to feel hungry sometimes, as I sometimes get into mindless eating and just don't stop, especially at night. I get to craving certain things, or a taste, usually sweet, so I'm just going to have to learn some tricks to "talk" myself out of the bad and into the good. Thanks for your kind words!
Jo

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EMILYD1952 10/6/2010 1:01AM

    You are back and that is all that counts.

It only doesn't count when you don't get back up and try again !

I am proud of you! It takes much courage to try again!

Keep it up, you will make it. !

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Signs of progress!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I just came back from the doctor's office for my quarterly checkup, got weighed, and was thrilled to see that the numbers are going down! It's not by much, but any progress is great, in my book. This gives me the added incentive and motivation to keep on doing what I'm doing, and doing more of it, such as walking and watching my portions. I am working on changing my mindset as well, so that I can have yogurt and cereal for breakfast, instead of my usual sausage and eggs, and not feel like I'm depriving myself of something.
So, now the plan is to keep cutting down on fats, increase my exercise (bands, here I come!) and walking, and try not to let the BF sabotage me when he buys all this junk food (this time, it was TWO half gallons of ice cream, chips and soda, followed a day or two later by crackers, my downfall).
Now, if only my stress levels could go down, but I don't think that's going to happen very soon, unless I can convince my immediate boss, the store's assistant manager, that he's endangering my survival by cutting my hours like he's been doing. To top things off, he's been giving the new lady more hours than me, which in my book is patently unfair. So, things will have to come to a head very soon; either I get more hours in the position I'm in, or I get promoted to a department manager position, or I start looking for another job that is full time to start with, AND pays better per hour. If I can hang in there for a while longer, then I can buy some wardrobe pieces for job interviews. If only I could wear the shoes, but my feet hurt so bad it's not even funny. It feels like my bones (the metatarsals) are separating, and the ligaments and tendons holding everything together are spasming, or something. It just plain hurts, which is one reason I have for not walking as much as I know I should.
Anyway, I'm just thrilled to have lost some of this weight, so at this point I am going to get my bands out, do some upper body workout, then go outside while it's still cool enough to work in the garden and pull weeds. Then, it's back to work again!
Everyone, have a great day! Remember, there IS hope!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JMLEE509 7/12/2010 2:51PM

    Sorry to hear that your foot still hurts. What did the doc say is wrong with it?

That sucks they cut your hours; I'll pray that they give you more.

Are you eating in veggies and fruits yet?

Congrats on losing weight!

Hang in there girl! a

Comment edited on: 7/12/2010 2:51:59 PM

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JODAFEEN17 6/22/2010 4:19PM

    Cool, Deb! Which store will you be at? I'm in the Eubank Supercenter, jewelry. If you're ever in the 'hood, stop on by!
Thanks for the congrats, and the sympathy on the feet...I keep going to back to the old ABC sports lead in...the thrill of victory, the agony of Da FEET! emoticon
It's okay about the BF, I'm learning that I'm the one who controls what's going in my mouth, so I just have to be stronger than his junk food. Working on it, always a work in progress, but at least there's progress!

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1DEBIE1 6/22/2010 2:09PM

    Congratulations on the weight loss!
Sorry to hear about your painful feet...that's such an owie when your feet hurt!!!

Bummer about the cut in work hours, I hope you're able to work that out with your supervisor.

OHHH...I too am becoming a Wal-Mart Associate here real soon. I'm going to orientation next week, and then hopefully get a work schedule that wont kill me, since this is going to be my 2nd/on the side job.

Real sad that BF doesn't truly support your Ne Lifestyle and continues to sabotage you and your efforts

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