Friday, April 22, 2011
Sometimes I just don't get it...I sabotage myself at every turn, it seems, and I don't understand WHY I do that. I joined a weight loss challenge at work last month; I figured it'd be easy, hey, I was already losing weight, was heading below 190. But, as soon as I joined, I gained, yes, GAINED 10 pounds! What the heck is wrong with me? Everyone comments on my lunches, how healthy they are, and I walk all over the store, all day. Wearing the pedometer at work has shown me just how much I DO walk (one day I racked up 17,858 steps!), and yet I am feeling puffy, lethargic, and let's face it, FAT. I'm tired and discouraged and feel like giving up.
Looking over a previous blog entry, I was about to break up with my boyfriend back in November; but of course I procrastinated for a couple months (can't break up with someone over the holidays, that's just cruel...). He found a job, started in December, and has started to bring in some much needed income into the house. And because of his job, he's lost 15-20 pounds in a month! He's finally weighing less than me...so of course I'm even MORE discouraged. I did write him a letter, letting him know how I feel about our relationship, and that I felt it was time to call it quits. Well, he was devastated...and then he wrote ME a letter, giving all the reasons why we should stay together. A lot of it was laced with guilt aimed at me; it was MY idea to come out to New Mexico, we used HIS credit card for the move and now he's in debt and because he wasn't working, he fell in arrears and now has a terrible credit rating. He loves me just SO much and he apologized for being so distant the past year. He's trying to make it up to me by taking me out to dinner a lot, but I don't want him to waste his money on meals all the time. I've told him, he needs to save up for a bike or some other means of transporation, since the bus system out here leaves a lot to be desired (like more routes and more run times!) and having just one car is becoming a real hassle.
I feel like I've fallen into a pool of negativity, and I want to give up, and I'm killing myself with food, all the wrong kinds and too much of it. I don't really want to be with him anymore, but now it's a question of survival...we need each other in order to be comfortable, get our bills paid on time, get enough food in the house for each other's needs, share in the chores so all of it doesn't fall on just one person. Crappy reasons to stay together, but it's all I have right now. I wish I didn't have so much pain, both physically and emotionally. I'm at a point where I feel lost and useless and ugly, and FAT, and I'm tired of it! I was so happy when I was able to buy some clothes a size down from my usual; now I'm going to have to wait to be able to wear the stuff. Frustrating, and I don't see a solution.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Hi there, Sparkers!
I finally opened my Molina healthcare newsletter, and there, on page 5, is a short article about Sparkpeople! I think it's great that the word is getting out, especially into the healthcare community. If more people paid attention to the their health and well-being, then the pharmaceutical companies would go broke, because most of our problems are diet related, and exercise related. We can make ourselves better by doing the simple things:
Eat less, watch your portions, and get your protein, good carbs, and lean fats into your meal plan.
Exercise more, incorporating physical activity into your lifestyle so it becomes a part of your daily life, not something that has to be "planned in".
Keep a positive attitude, and tell yourself you are WORTH IT!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
After last month's fiasco, where I let myself go and gained back some of the weight I'd lost, I am happy to report that I am now losing the weight again. I had the opportunity to weigh myself during a study I'm participating in (a brain study...they're going to look see if I actually have one! ) and discovered that I had lost 3 pounds since my last weigh-in at my doctor's office a couple weeks ago. It feels good to see some progress, so now I just have to keep up the momentum. I know it's going to be difficult in the next couple months, with all the food holidays coming up. On top of that, I am at the point of giving my BF an ultimatum...either get a job in 2 weeks, or you're OUTTA here. He's a good bit of the reason I'm so stressed; I'm carrying all (or most) of the financial burden on my part time job. I just had my evaluation, and I'll be getting a raise, but I just don't want to do it all with such small returns. He either has to pull his own weight (ouch!) or I'll just have to do it on my own. I think, in the long run, I'll be happier on my own. I've gotten too dependent on him on many levels, and I'm becoming very weak, physically and emotionally. So, it's time to cut the cord and make it on my own.
Monday, October 04, 2010
Well, after my previous blog, I'm sad to say that all the bit of progress I'd made has gone *poof*. I have regained the weight, plus a little bit more, which is disheartening. I want to blame my work schedule, but deep down I know that's just another excuse. I want to blame the breakroom donuts on Fridays, but again, that's a copout. I think I just gave up.
I have felt many pressures on me: starting counseling, which I guess has brought up a bunch of old, unresolved feelings; being dissatisfied with my life, my boyfriend, my dead garden. It has just all piled up on me, with nowhere to turn but food for comfort and solace. I don't like when I feel this way, and have a hard time getting up out of that darkness when it's just so deep.
Yesterday, however, I got back into walking, which I hadn't done in a while (say months?) by walking to work (partway, just two miles). And, it felt good to do that! I ate salad for dinner tonight, with poached chicken, green beans and just a light sprinkle of cheese. Little by little, I'm working on getting myself back into the right headspace. Wish I knew why I sabotage myself the way I've been doing, but I really need help to get OFF this carousel and ON to a better frame of mind, and thus a better body. I must defeat my self-destructive tendencies before I can count on seeing any success.
Any ideas, anyone? I'll listen to any and all suggestions for fighting the demons!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I just came back from the doctor's office for my quarterly checkup, got weighed, and was thrilled to see that the numbers are going down! It's not by much, but any progress is great, in my book. This gives me the added incentive and motivation to keep on doing what I'm doing, and doing more of it, such as walking and watching my portions. I am working on changing my mindset as well, so that I can have yogurt and cereal for breakfast, instead of my usual sausage and eggs, and not feel like I'm depriving myself of something.
So, now the plan is to keep cutting down on fats, increase my exercise (bands, here I come!) and walking, and try not to let the BF sabotage me when he buys all this junk food (this time, it was TWO half gallons of ice cream, chips and soda, followed a day or two later by crackers, my downfall).
Now, if only my stress levels could go down, but I don't think that's going to happen very soon, unless I can convince my immediate boss, the store's assistant manager, that he's endangering my survival by cutting my hours like he's been doing. To top things off, he's been giving the new lady more hours than me, which in my book is patently unfair. So, things will have to come to a head very soon; either I get more hours in the position I'm in, or I get promoted to a department manager position, or I start looking for another job that is full time to start with, AND pays better per hour. If I can hang in there for a while longer, then I can buy some wardrobe pieces for job interviews. If only I could wear the shoes, but my feet hurt so bad it's not even funny. It feels like my bones (the metatarsals) are separating, and the ligaments and tendons holding everything together are spasming, or something. It just plain hurts, which is one reason I have for not walking as much as I know I should.
Anyway, I'm just thrilled to have lost some of this weight, so at this point I am going to get my bands out, do some upper body workout, then go outside while it's still cool enough to work in the garden and pull weeds. Then, it's back to work again!
Everyone, have a great day! Remember, there IS hope!
Get An Email Alert Each Time JODAFEEN17 Posts