Sunday, June 15, 2014
I really thought when about a month ago I "came out" regarding my disordered eating, that it would be a pivotal moment in which everything I needed motivationally would culminate and I'd start being one of the super success stories you read about. For some reason, it seems to have had the opposite effect, and I've participated in some weird rebelliousness - rebelling against . . . myself? I don't know.
I'd set a major goal basically for all year long, then all summer long, then all month long, and I find myself now just weeks away from retreat in worse - not better and not the same - shape I was in after leaving the last one. I always say "but I can't beat myself up over it" type things and kind of dismiss them and move on, but I think it might be time to start beating myself up or something because what I'm doing isn't working.
It's not like going public was really going public. My body tells my story. I obviously consume more calories than my body effectively metabolizes, so I'm a walking billboard for overconsumption. I love working out and I exercise like an absolute beast, and then those burned calories get filled right back up. I guess the coming out part was that I don't do it joyfully or ignorantly - I can't include willfully there because I'l be honest - I don't understand the disorder, but I do know that what we consume and what we expend is a matter of choice-making. I've read the opposite as well in that it qualifies as an addiction the same way as other addictions / compulsive behavior, especially since the junk food is basically treated with what amounts to pharmaceutical level drug-sugar content. But that sounds like a cop out to me.
So hopefully you'll be glad to know that I got the contact info for a local counselor and am setting up an appointment to begin working on the inside the way Stacey recommends at the beginning - that if I don't address whatever is going on, I won't be able to fix the behavior issue that has resulted in a dangerous BMI level of extra body fat. Until then, what I'm doing on my own is trying maintain awareness of what I'm doing. My next weigh in is a few days away, and I've already consumed enough extra calories this week, in spite of my workout regimin, to gain 1.5 pounds. Using the sparkpeople database and calculation tools, I've always been able to accurately predict what the scale's going to say at next weigh in.
Stacey's method involved "getting [herself] on solid psychological ground so [she] could face [her] demons and get to the root . . . of what was driving [her] to overeat." So I'm going to explore getting to that ground and facing my demons, although I'm more than a little terrified of what I'm going to find there.
Sunday, June 08, 2014
I really thought "coming out" about things such as disordered eating and depression would spearhead a new beginning or fresh start for me in my weight loss journey. As Dr. Phil says, "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge." I don't know if I've just reverted the past few weeks into my old self-sabotage patterns or what, but I do know, especially with retreat less than one month away now (for me - I don't know who else is going the first week!) it's time to make good on the promises I keep making myself.
I appreciate the newer promotional material I'm seeing going around about the retreat - that it's for people of all fitness levels, and not to worry about where you are on the ddpyoga spectrum. I know they've said that all along, but it seems like a light bulb went off for someone somewhere to make sure that message is getting across loud and clear. And I'm hearing and appreciating it.
Not much news going on in working on things - more adult friendships have gone by the wayside as I'm learning is just a sad part of our grow-older life as we grow older, change, and fully recognize our boundaries (or get set in our ways.)
Am making Chef Bill's amazing crab cakes from last year's retreat today -- they've actually become what my dad requests for his birthday each year now - they're that good, if they're birthday request food. :) And onward farther into Clean Comfort in the upcoming week.
Monday, May 19, 2014
I compulsively overeat.
Again, I don't have a "story" per se that can't be summed up in that sentence. I compulsively overeat, and I did so as recently as 1:00 a.m. today. I haven't plumbed the psychological depths that Stacey recommends getting out of the way first, so maybe I have a story and just don't know it, but this qualifies me to be one of the ones she talks about in her book's dedication - although it hasn't been a lifelong cycle, it has been for a significant portion of my adulthood.
After gaining weight during the sedentary period known as law school, I actually developed a full-on eating disorder (bulimia) during my marriage. I compulsively binged and purged in private. What I didn't know before I started, was that purging process came with a follow-up feeling, I guess maybe adrenaline coursing through your body or something, that felt euphoric, and that keeps you going. I've never done any hard drugs that came with that kind of high, but I would bet it feels the same way. I'd accomplish a lot during the highs - painting the house, doing furniture projects, got some of my best work done -- and then I'd crash and the cycle would start again when I was once again in private.
Anyway, so I'm the compulsive eater - dieter cycle person Stacey refers to -- I wasn't even able to get through the book dedication without tears. And I'm still working on the Greek-inspired sandwiches, so I haven't started anything but reading the story parts at the beginning of Clean Comfort before starting the recipes.
Okay, again, let's talk about food. I don't like red meat. Never have - as a McDonald's child, I was a filet-o-fish gal and never a hamburger gal. But when a friend gifted me a Kindle so I could get Stacey's book, I agreed to make whatever's in it, enough for both of us, to share. And he likes steak, so hence the steak sandwiches.
It's weird, though, since I never buy steaks, it took some time pouring over the meat cases at the store to find the right kind. And somehow, driving home, even though there were something like a dozen grocery bags in the car, I could smell like a Bloodhound that there was red meat in the car.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
This will probably be all over the place because my thoughts aren't organized yet - I'll come back and edit at some point. But if you're reading this, chances are, Stacey Morris has been a big inspiration to you. She certainly has been for me. Of course, Arthur's ubiquitous viral video was my first introduction to ddpyoga, and I watched with tears streaming down my face and thought, like probably many of you did, "if he can do it, I can do it." I bought my system, and then explored some other people's stories, including Stacey Morris's.
I can't say I share her or anyone else's stories or even relate to all their experiences. It was one of my common themes at last year's retreat - I don't have a story. I wasn't overweight as a youth or young adult. I was an athlete and didn't have to watch what I ate at all (or so I thought - oh how I wish I'd developed healthy eating habits then along with all the exercise.) My weight problem began in late adulthood when life came to a screeching halt during law school and I was as inactive as I've ever been in my life. Continuing with the eating (sweets were never my problem - I'm a savory, breads and pasta and cheese gal) I gained a quick thirty or so pounds as a 1L and the scale kept climbing as the time went on. I remember having an absolute panic attack when I realized my weight started with a "2" instead of a "1."
Fast forward to being miserable and depressed with my chosen profession (and marriage) and the weight just came and stayed. I never have explored the psychological reasons, but have now found myself with a "weight problem" for the latter part of my adult life -- now going on more than a decade for sure.
About three years ago, with a then five year old and realizing I was heading toward a future of being one of those people who walks with a cane for no good reason other than my body's inability to support its own weight, I finally decided to do something about it. I joined an insurance-underwritten weight management program, using a gym and personal trainer, and had mild success. Then I found the cardio exercise I absolutely loved - Zumba fitness, which I still do several times a week (and have a secret, not-yet-said-out-loud goal of attaining my certification.)
BUT because of my unwillingness (I won't say inability because I know I can do it) to dramatically change my awful eating habits, while some weight came off, it was slow going and would basically park itself on the scale for weeks and months at a time.
Then I saw Arthur's video and discovered the missing piece of my workout component -- ddpyoga, and after purchasing the system I became very serious about the eating program as well. And I dropped 30 pounds prior to last summer's retreat.
I simplified what I call Phase I of the eating program for myself into the four rules of no white sugar, no white flour, nothing processed, and no alcohol. (That last one really got me.) But thirty pounds came off and I was feeling stronger and better than ever, although I still have a long way to go, that's how I knew I'd keep feeling better and better if I kept it up.
I saw Stacey's video and began reading her blog. Again, not able to relate to all of her experiences, I certainly could some. I had another "if she can do it, I can do it" moment, because at her highest weight she had a good hundredish pounds on my highest weight. And although I'm back to slow progress (albeit on the cusp of a breakthrough - I can feel it in part thanks to Stacey's inspiration) I haven't given up. But I have a feeling if I had reached Stacey's lowest point, I would have. That's why she inspires me so much.
I remember, as heavy as I got, refusing to ever get to the point where I'd have to request a seatbelt extender on a plane. At my highest weight, I would suck in as hard as I could and use every ounce of will to clasp the buckle together. Furious because of flying out of West Virginia, notoriously and consistently ranked one of the most obese states in the nation, I'd see these big men with their giant bellies not seeming to struggle, and realized I was probably not seeing myself very realistically.
I have to be honest. Even when (won't say if) I attain the goal weights that doctors and I have set for myself, I will never be drop-dead gorgeous like Stacey is. I know from weighing it before that I would have cankles and my genetic double chin at 125 pounds. But unlike during my adolescence and youth, it's not about that anymore. It's about getting the subcutaneous (sp) fat off my body to lessen my risk of heart disease and various cancers and other harbingers of doom that being obese lead to. I'm a single mom. I'm all my little one's got, and she's going to keep me for a long time whether she likes it or not.
That said, let's talk about food. I know I can do it and it could be a forever thing if I just keep making the choices I made prior to last year's retreat that led to the 30 pound drop (where I still pretty much stand.) I didn't go gluten-free or dairy-free (yet) but was doing it in stages, and I loved the dairy substitutes we were introduced to last summer when I came home to replicate Chef Bill's chicken parmesan we had in a cooking demonstration.
So here's where I stand in summer, 2014, about a month and a half prior to this year's retreat, and where the introduction to these blog entries really start. As you know, Stacey's cookbook Clean Comfort came out earlier this year. And I wanted it badly so I could have new recipes and ideas for the clean eating I'm doing not only leading up to the retreat, but then I have two back to back work trips and my forty-second birthday, and all kinds of other things to look forward to this summer.
So I went to buy it on amazon, only to find out it was only available in a Kindle edition. Which I didn't have. Enter a very sweet man who recently purchased his own ddpyoga system, and gave me a Kindle Fire just because I said I wanted one. I was in business. Except he said offhandedly after giving it to me that I'd need a Wi Fi router in order to use it.
Hence began my quest to answer what in the hell is a wi fi router and how do I use one. The Kindle sat there for weeks until I finally got one this weekend, and labored through a phone conversation with my internet service provider's customer support (who told me I really should have called the manufacturer, but he'd go ahead and help me anyway.) So it's up and it's working.
So I go to download the book. But once again, there's something in the way. I have to update some 1-click something or other in order to make purchases from the Kindle. Which I did.
So here's where it begins. My plan in this space is to do kind of a Julie-and-Julie type work up of Stacey's book. Eating clean up until retreat and thereafter. This is going to challenge me in many ways, because although I love to cook, and as Stacey pointed out in a post just yesterday, it's meditative - I wouldn't exactly say my skills in the kitchen are all that . . . advanced.
Plus, I have a limited, unsophisticated palate. I grew up on processed foods, grilled cheese sandwiches and what have you - not caring and not developing a weight problem. I've never been an adventurous eater, and now my daughter is not, and I plan on changing that for both of us. At the retreat last year, I actually tried a few things for the first time that are probably in everybody's culinary repertoires. Calimari (didn't like it) mussels (didn't like 'em) and squid ink rissoto (freaking loved it.)
So I plan on going through Clean Comfort page by page, trying absolutely everything a la Julie Powell with the Art of French Cooking. And trying absolutely everything.
In the meantime, since I haven't been able to download the book successfully yet, I've been using Mike Mullins' recipes on his Mike at 90% page. I also went grocery shopping yesterday for the week, and this is what I'll be having for the next couple days:
STEAK AND TZATZIKI SANDWICHES
(from Fitness Magazine, May 2014 issue)
1 # hanger or sirloin steak
1 tbsp red wine vinegar
2 tbsp olive oil
1/2 tsp plus pinch of kosher salt
1/4 tsp plus pinch black pepper
1 cucumber, peeled and chopped
1 c. low-fat plain Greek yogurt
4 tbsp chopped dill
Make marinade with vinegar, oil, salt and pepper and marinate steak.
Make tzatziki sauce by combining cucuber, yogurt and dill.
Cook steak over medium-high heat, turning every 2 minutes, 8 to 12 minutes total. Let rest and slice thinly against the grain. Serve in pita halves with tzatziki sauce.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
So according to sparkpeople, if I stay on program and don't exceed their daily calorie recommendation, I can attain a long-term weight-loss goal by the time I go to my yoga retreat in July. So I'm gonna do this, along with the goals I already wrote about for mastering a couple yoga postures that I can't do yet.
I'm just tired of the up-a-pound, down two pounds, up five pounds, down four pounds stuck place I've been for a couple months. And I have to stop being satisfied with these non-results and just dig deep and get determined to get this done with once and for all.
I may have met someone, too, which is a bit of a motivator. Someone who could help drive the final nail in the coffin on the old relationship that I've suffered from relationship-hangover for months over. So there's potential there, but I don't want to say anything that will jinx it.
Press on, soldiers!
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