Saturday, October 30, 2010
Like everybody else, the economic downturn has had a real effect on me. I supply most of the income and all of the health benefits for our family, so the stress of not knowing what would happen next with my job really took a toll.
I used to really like my job, but we've had some layoffs and the ones who are left are generally doing the work of two. We've also been reorganized a few times, and my job has changed dramatically from what it was 2 years ago. But still, I am grateful to have a job. It's amazing how fear, and in some cases survivor guilt because friends and colleagues lost their jobs, can cause such physical and mental anxiety without us even consciously realizing it. It makes it hard to concentrate on anything but the basics as we try to make ourselves indispensable in the workplace. Things like not taking a break, eating fast food from the vending machine for lunch at your desk - if you eat at all, working late -- the price is high in ways we don't even think about.
Now I feel that I am, in some ways, just waking up. I've been out of touch and at the same time internalizing a lot for a long time because I didn't feel I had a way to deal with my fears and anxieties. I couldn't talk to my husband or family about anything because I didn't want to get them upset, and my work colleagues were in the same condition I was.
But thanks in great part to the inspiration I am getting from my fellow Sparkies, I am starting to realize that work, no matter how great or bad it is, is only part of my life. What I do for a living should not define who I am. I can choose to be ruled by my dissatisfaction OR I can find and embrace the joy I have in the other parts of my life. I need to move on from this place and I think I have been making good steps forward. Choices, that's what it all comes down to, and just letting go of the negative and things I can't do a thing about.
It sounds strange but by letting go I feel like I have taken the first steps towards taking back control of my life.
Friday, October 29, 2010
I read a really good article today on how to tell when it's time to make a change. Almost everything the writer said was right on target for me. Chronic illness (check!), sweating after putting socks on (check!), etc. etc. One other indicator was lying on the bed and squirming around trying to button/zip up pants. Well, I gave these up for elastic waists a long while ago.
I haven't actually broken a chair or not been able to fit in an airplane seat, but I am always afraid it's going to happen. That nagging fear alone can make a person stress-out. I also try to find someone fatter than me when I go into a room so I fool myself into thinking I'm not so big. Ah, the games we play. I'm starting to see things much more clearly. It doesn't have to be like that. I CAN do this.
Right now, I'm trying to think of 3 things I can do tomorrow (today is just about over) to be healthier. 1) Drink more water; 2) walk around the block; 3) use my hand weights for 10 minutes. There! That wasn't too hard.
One other thing I think would be fun would be to figure out how many miles it is to go to different places and then "walk" there by accumulating steps/miles each day. I'd like to start out by walking to visit my younger son in Rochester. I wonder how many days that would take. If I get really ambitious after that I could trek cross country to visit my older son in Southern California. I could even track miles between different scenic things on the way, like the Grand Canyon or Hoover Dam to pretend it's like a real vacation. It would also help me learn more about geography, which is good because I'm terrible at it. I need to get a really big map so I can track progress. After I go cross-country, maybe I'll do the same for Europe!
I work with my husband sometimes on the weekends at a country club, mostly on weddings. It's good physical labor with lots of lifting and scrubbing pots and stuff. I'm also on my feet for 6-8 hours straight so I try to do calf exercises. I just need to keep away from the wedding cake! Unfortunately I have become the official cake taster for the rest of the kitchen crew. They know I can't resist cake. Not exactly something I want to be known for, but there it is. The one this weekend is actually on Halloween and all the guests are supposed to wear costumes. It should be fun. There's just one more wedding in November and then that should be it until the spring. Hopefully I'll look much different by that time. That would be so cool!
BTW, in my entry yesterday I mentioned that I was going to have a root canal. Well, I had it and it was definitely NOT as painful as a unit meeting.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
OK. So I have a unit meeting at work this morning and after that I have to go have a root canal. So, by tonight I will be able to definitely say which is worse, a unit meeting or a root canal. Everybody I've mentioned this to this morning is betting on the unit meeting.
I bit the bullet this morning and weighed myself for the first time in months. I'm a whopping 219.5 pounds, biggest I've ever been (even at 9 months pregnant). But, I actually don't feel so bad, especially since I've had such wonderful support from all of my new Spark friends. Big shout-out to Pattie in particular. Now I know where I'm starting from. I even posted it on my weight tracker so I'm going public with it. I'm starting with a 10% reduction as my first goal and then I'll go from there.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thanks in large part to all of the extremely encouraging emails I got yesterday, I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time. I'm ready to go... Today is Day 1!
I started keeping a food journal again. I'm using the old WW one, not because I think it's that great, but I'm used to it. The important thing is to acknowledge what I eat for better or worse. It's easy to forget the "little" things -- a friend of mine called them BLTs -- bites, licks and tastes. They all count.
I also just finished reading some of the motivation articles. They're really helpful and I printed off a couple to keep in a folder so I can look back at them when needed. I especially liked the 2-part "Mastering the Mysteries of Motivation" articles by Dean Anderson. I'll probably go back later and read some more of his work. So much of what he says is EXACTLY on target in my experience.
Tomorrow morning I am going to get on the scale for the first time in probably a year. I know it won't be pretty, but I need to have a starting point to begin the journey, right?
I am still having some navigation difficulties with this site, but I'm starting to catch on. So, today was a pretty good day, even though I went to the dentist this morning and found out I might need a root canal!
Friday, June 18, 2010
I thought I had a blog and now I can't seem to find it! Yikes!
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