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Why is it so hard to let go?

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Wasn't planning to blog today. Didn't really have a topic in mind. Yet as I struggled to find homes for yet more stuff, I am struck by chasm between who I am and who I want to be, wondering how to get there. Sound familiar?

I read books and articles about voluntary simplicity, how couples can fit all their stuff into just a few suitcases. And here I am surrounded by stuff. Too much stuff. Too much weight.

And yet it's so hard to give it up. I have donated, I've filled another 5 boxes of stuff to donate or sell, and we have an entire downstairs and garage half full of yet more boxes.

Are these all walls I've built around myself? To keep the outside world out? Why would I want to keep the outside world out, anyway?

I remember when we were first married. We'd have the occasional party. Even when we first moved down to TX, every once in a while we'd invite people over. At some point, that stopped. I know my husband was ashamed of the state of our carpets . . . that didn't bother me so much -- that was something beyond my control, really, when you have sick animals that can't help but mess up your carpets, there isn't a lot you can do. I did the best I could.

Exactly when did the stuff take over? Was it the same time I began to struggle so with my weight?

Don't get me wrong; I'm not a hoarder. You could walk into our old home. Sure, there was clutter, but it wasn't as if there were piles to the ceiling you could barely squeeze your way past. But I know sometimes it's a short leap from pitying someone else for their problems til you own their problems yourself.

This isn't the first time I've pondered this question, either, but having your belongings in stacks & stacks around you really brings it home in a big way. I feel like it may take me months to dig out. I really want to eradicate the surface clutter, but in the meantime, every surface IS cluttered because there isn't places to put stuff yet. I know for sure that the answer to clutter doesn't lie in more closet space, either.

It can be so hard to part with stuff. In my heart I know that's exactly what it is, just stuff, but there's little doubt that a lot of it has sentimental meaning for me; many things bought on our travels. Some things no longer make me smile, and they're already in boxes for garage sale/whatever.

But many things, however useless other than to bring a smile to my face, are just so darn hard to part with. It doesn't help that I hate to clean and these things are dust-magnets. Do I deserve nice things if I can't keep them clean?

Which brings us to books. I've gotten rid of a lot of books over the past year, but there are still so many. Some have been with me since I was about 12 years old. Will I ever read the hobbit again? Shogun? Parting with books is like parting with old friends. Which doesn't stop me from going out and buying new friends, of course.

Of course old eating patterns, old thought patterns, etc. etc. are hard to let go, too. The idea of never having pepperoni again . . . I probably would have shuddered when I was in college. Now I would shudder to eat it -- it long since ceased to hold any attraction for me. Wish I could say the same of sweets and chocolate. And so on & on.

I have made progress this past week. There are only a few kitchen boxes left -- the few I don't want to deal with yet (pantry items, crystal, china, that sort of thing).

Most of the living room boxes, aside from the DVDs, are also gone. I've been hitting the bedroom today. Yes, I did finally find my jeans a couple of days ago, thank God, altho my everyday sneakers is still just one sneaker, and I'd really, really like to find the other one.

I don't have much of a point today. Just a bit depressed by the extent of my stuff, I guess, and yet having such a hard time letting it go. I can let some of it go, but I know that to live the life I truly want, I need to let more go; it isn't easy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABYFACE26 5/10/2009 1:28PM

    Ah, now you have hit a topic of great meaning. I have a great book, called "Sacred Space. Clearing and enhancing the Energy of your home." and another good one, by Karen Kingston, called "Clear your Clutter with Feng Shui"
Oh, the first book is by Denise Linn....anyway, there are deep psychological issues at work here, as you touched on. ..and the bottom line is, that we are reluctant to let go of the Past, but when we do clear things out, we allow room for the New to enter our lives. We also Feel better, in a simplified environment.
....check out Karen's book. its full of good suggestions, for how to do this.

My problem is magazines! I've been forced to throw away a lot of stuff, because I've had to move so many times, in the past 7 years!..now I live in a studio, and there just is no room for very many things. Very little storage.

By the way, I do astrology, and now is a GREAT time for going thru your stuff, and re-organizing and throwing away whats not needed, or what doesn't make you joyful..(its about Mercury retrograde, if you're curious)

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KUNGFOOD 5/8/2009 7:58PM

    My favorite bookstore will look at my books then give me the option to take whatever cash they offer or a very generous "trade" that I can use in their store. I always take the trade as it is at least double the cash offer.

I read what I like, recycle it. We are book lovers and have limited bookshelves in our small bungalow (downsized from a 4K square foot turn of the century brick monster!)... we have simplified a lot.

There's still clutter, and about twice a year I have to purge. But I try to recycle things using Freecycle, Goodwill, or other thrift stores. I love recycling, and I love auctions. The beauty of having a small space to work with is that you can reinvent yourself all the time.

Letting go of things... yes it's hard. There is more to look forward to than owning, dusting, moving them around.

What seems like a dark cloud may bring cleansing rain. (yeah, ask me about that one!)
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/8/2009 8:00:08 PM

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TRECECOOKS 5/7/2009 11:06PM

    I so completely understand what you're saying here. Voluntary Simplicity is something I am aiming for, all the more so because I recognize how much of the stuff here is the kids' cr*p.
And then there's the books. . .

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MTER67 5/7/2009 6:16PM

    First of all--what a beautiful blog. For not having a topic in mind, I think you have hit on something really important here. Are all the boxes of stuff walls you have built around yourself? Hmm, maybe. Maybe it is easier to identify with "stuff" and reminisce about mementos than it is to go out and live new experiences and forge fresh memories--especially if you are not confident about the way you look and feel. I tend to be a collector of things--pottery, artifacts from our travels--and I live behind them just a little bit. It is safer, I suppose then making my own art and putting it "out there", you know what I mean?

At the risk of blogging on your blog, I have to tell you this:

When I was growing up, we had two big book shelves of old books. Most of them belonged to my mom's aunt. There were some classics, with print dates in the 1800's. I read only very few of the books, but I used to thumb through them and savor the "age" of them, and look for old clovers, flowers (even old shopping lists) that might have been pressed in the pages.

Anyway, I assumed all my life that those books would be mine some day. When I was visiting them in GA, I learned that my mom had gotten rid of most of the books when they moved. The best of the collection she gave to my 17 year old niece. I was initially pissed off. Like I said, I thought it was UNDERSTOOD that I would get all the books.

But then I thought about it. My niece is exactly like me. She loves those books and all books and she will take great care of them. So, I let them go. What was really important to me is that they will be preserved, and they will. But the MEMORY of them and the recollection of how it felt to sit among stacks of them as a girl--THAT I will always have. It is hard to separate the intangible from the tangible some times, but our houses are only so big! Good luck finding your balance.

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KEAKMAN 5/7/2009 4:07PM

    A few years back there was a diet book out there called something like "Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat?" He had the same idea you did - too much junk in our lives means we have too much junk - period. Time to clean up and clean out. (but I can't get rid of books ever!)

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MOCACHOC 5/7/2009 2:50PM

    When you declutter your life, you declutter you. I know stuff can have a sentimental value, but when you are overwhelmed with stuff it needs to go no matter how sentimental it is. I have had old baby stuff and I asked my daughter did she want to keep it for her kids. She said no mom I am not going to start building clutter.

I want peace and tranquility where I live. The less the better. Just enough to entertain and keep the house looking lived in and well kept. You don't need a lot of things to be happy. Sometimes we don't even realized how much junk we have until we have to move and we look and see this mountain of things we have to sort through.

Let it go, Let it go, Let it go, you will find it will be a release for your soul. It will be an AaaH, moment.

Ever seen clean sweep, do it just take some time when it's warm take everything out of a room and if you don't absolutely need it give it away or have a yard sale, make some money. Everything else can go to good will. Donate the books to the Library if no one buys them.

Good Luck and God Bless you on your journey to Health and wellness and decluttering.

PEACE

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CAROLJTD40 5/7/2009 2:31PM

    I have a lot of that "stuff" too. Hard to part with things since we both know that as soon as you get rid of it, you'll need it again. :-)

I also am having a hard time parting with old favorites - like hot wings, nachos and beer. If only I could enjoy those in moderation...

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Do what you can

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

I came up with today's topic yesterday, but I was going to call it something about being patient with yourself. Then I finished "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" (see yesterday's blog). She beat me to it!

Lisa, the author, talked about how life will throw you curveballs. That sometimes there will be things more important to occupy your time, and that you may not always be able to maintain all your healthy habits.

She gives the example of when she hurt her knee, and couldn't go running anymore. All she was allowed to do was cycle for 15 minutes a day. But she was totally committed to those 15 minutes a day, and faithful to them.

I can't quite exercise the way I'm used to yet. Oh, I could, actually, although it would be difficult, but there are other things that I need to be doing right now. However, I can be committed to walking the dogs twice a day. It's probably not enough to help me lose weight right now, but it's what I CAN do right now. Rather thank focus on what I'm not getting done, I have to focus on what I can get done.

I was being somewhat hard on myself for how long it's taking to unpack. They packed us up in 2 days, right, so why should it take 2 weeks (or much longer) to unpack? Well, it took 4 men, working 8 hours a day to pack us up. And they're professional packers; it's their job.

I'm only one person. I don't have 8 hours a day to devote to unpacking, not with dogs that need to be walked and meals that need to be cooked. Yes, I did cook our first "meal" last night: spaghetti & veggie meatballs. Ok, so it was basically warming stuff up, but I did have to wash up all the pots afterwards.

All I can do is what I can do. Some days, like today, when I seem to be thwarted at every turn -- basically getting totally lost even with a GPS -- where everything just takes twice as long as it really should -- I've got to give myself a break. So I don't get much unpacked today. I did pick up some (but not all) of the stuff I needed for both us and the animals, and it's a learning curve.

Applaud yourself for what you can do, and give yourself a break for the things that don't get done.

  
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MTER67 5/7/2009 3:16AM

    "Applaud yourself for what you can do, and give yourself a break for the things that don't get done."

I like that. I never get everything I want to do finished. Half the time I don't even get half of it done. But still, I don't sit around and do nothing--I DO accomplish a lot of stuff. Thank you for reminding us that we need to acknowledge those things and let the rest go (at least until the next day!)

Glad you are making progress!

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KEAKMAN 5/6/2009 9:07PM

    This is an excellent blog! Too often I find myself worrying about what I didn't do and don't focus on what I did accomplish. This is a great reminder to reflect on all the good I have done for me. Sure tomorrow might be more porductive, but that doesn't lessen what happened today.

Thank you for the reminder. Now I'll try to relax!

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TRECECOOKS 5/6/2009 3:24PM

    I'm just a Sparkmail away if you want some help!!

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Organize your life

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I really didn't realize the similarities between moving and weight loss til I actually moved. I've been reading a book called "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" -- see formerfatgirl.com/ .

In it, towards the end, the author (who happened to live in Austin for a long time & is a WW lifetime member, like me) talks about how in order to truly be a former fat girl, it's more mental than habit. That if we don't break out of our shells, our protective layer of fat, if you will, we'll always be doomed to be fat girls (or boys), instead of maintaining our former status.

She also says that it's like moving to a new neighborhood -- you've got to find your way around, you've got to find new places to shop, to eat, to have your hair done, etc. Just like we've got to form new habits: find healthier foods, exercise we can actually enjoy, and so on.

I definitely think she has a point. It's so easy to try to blend into the background, so scary to put yourself out there sometimes.

Funny, I really got to thinking about this as I'm researching ways to organize my kitchen. I did spend time organizing my kitchen in Austin -- trying to put the pots & pans near the stove, glasses near the dishwasher (unfortunately the dishes really didn't fit neatly near the dishwasher), and so on.

But because it was such a large kitchen, I didn't really have to think about what I used every day, what I used occasionally, and the things that only get used every 10 years or so (but are still really handy when you need them).

We donated some stuff before we left . . . the 12 qt pasta pot that came with the set that is way larger than I'll ever need, the pressure cooker that I haven't used since I lived in VT (unfortunately we found the piece that actually closes off the vent here -- why it wasn't with the pressure cooker, which will now be someone's really large pot, I'll never know).

I've already filled about 4-5 boxes with stuff for donations (not necessarily just kitchen stuff) or a garage sale. My computer desk will have to go, too, because it just doesn't fit here & I no longer run my own business (for now).

But now I have to really think about what really needs to be right in the kitchen . . . what could be in the dining room . . . what can live downstairs in the laundry room.

Just like I really have to think about what I put in my mouth, how large my portions are, and whether or not I've drunk enough water -- and am truly hungry or just thirsty.

I'm still not tracking my food. I plan to start up again next week, when hopefully the kitchen is cleared out enough so I can really start cooking again. I hope that we get the freezer set up this weekend, too, because I need more freezer space. I need to make catfood, but have nowhere to put it right now.

So for now, baby steps. Walking every day. Didn't get my 10,000 steps in yesterday, but I'm pretty sure I'm probably averaging that. Try to track just glasses of water & fruits & veggies.

Next week hopefully I'll be adding in some of my normal exercise in addition to my walking, and will start tracking points again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMMA_GRIZZ 5/5/2009 8:58PM

    It truly is coming out of our shells and learning new things. Most definitely. In fact half way through I almost quit - I was terrified of the unknown. I was heavy for so long that I didn't know how to be a 'skinny' person. I had no clue. But through trial and error, I learned (I'm still learning). Just like moving into a new house or a new neighborhood. Research, living in the now, trial & error.......

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MTER67 5/5/2009 6:54PM

    Moving forces you to "clean house" in a literal sense and a psychological one. Because you are realizing all these connections and giving them voice in your daily blog, I don't think you will have any problem "finding new places to shop, to eat, to have your hair done, etc." in the psychological sense. The changes you have made in your life--and are continuing to hone--are permanent, healthy ones and I know that you will stick with them.

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KEAKMAN 5/5/2009 11:52AM

    Great blog and great insight!

It is sooo easy to be on auto-pilot and not think. But it is the consciousness, the reallythinking about what we are doing that helps point us in the right direction - whether in healthy living or setting up a house.

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It ain't over til the fat lady sings

Monday, May 04, 2009

I'll get to the title . . . eventually. First I need to kvetch a bit. My husband couldn't understand why I'd want to set up my own computer, probably because space is tight in this office and it requires moving things around, not to mention the actual setting up part.

It might be because my computer has all my bookmarks, or because it has my address book, or because it has all my saved emails and there are people I'd like to contact whose emails are locked within its hard drive (I hope!).

Or it could just be because his computer setup is wonky and difficult. It doesn't always work, and because I didn't set it up, it can be difficult to troubleshoot. Or maybe because right now our only phones besides our cell phones is Magick Jack (it's really cheap, but your computer has to be on), and if the computer ain't on, then no one can contact me. As if anyone would. Well, maybe he would. Or the Rent-a-Center people who are supposed to pick up the bed we rented today.

He complains that I'm complaining too much about the kitchen. Well, it's a problem, and I feel I should be able to comment about it without him taking it so personally. Hey, he wants home cooked meals already -- well, it's hard when the kitchen is so small that I have nowhere to put all my stuff and every conceivable surface is covered.

Ok, it isn't really tiny, but it is very significantly smaller than my previous kitchen, and it's just going to take me some time & he's going to have deal with it. Both the lack of space and the lack of home cooked meals and my comments.

I probably do comment just as often on what a nice neighborhood it is, because it is. We've upgraded for sure in that department. I swear I've already met more neighbors here than I did in my old neighborhood where I lived for 15 years. We were lucky there; we did have good immediate neighbors, but beyond them, we barely saw or knew anyone.

I've also said how much I love being able to close off the office when I take the dogs outside so that I don't have to worry about the cats getting out.

The kitchen is almost unpacked. Still a few more boxes to go. Ok, there's still the crystal & china that I'm not even touching for a while, but the bulk of it is at least out of boxes, and that's something. We're beginning to be able to almost move around again. I was getting a bit discouraged because it seemed like there was so many boxes left, but turned out quite a few of them didn't really have kitchen stuff in them.

I'd dearly love to do an exercise DVD today, but the only way I can do it is thru this computer (assuming it plays DVDs), and there isn't much room here. I also would really, really like to find out where my jeans disappeared to. I only took 2 pairs. I've been too tired to do laundry, altho I really need to. We found the new jeans, the ones that almost fit but are still just a little tight, but not the ones I am wearing now.

I have to really put the brakes on my husband, too. He wants to rush out and buy stuff; I want to buy some stuff, but for now, I want something really cheap -- that we can either repurpose somewhere or donate when we decide what we really want and are ready to get it. I don't want to rush into purchases we'll regret later -- we did that when we moved to Austin, and I really believe in learning from our mistakes.

He wants to fix my kitchen problem, I know, but I'm just going to have to put my foot down & decide what *I* want.

I want to talk a bit about goals, too, now that I'm done kvetching (felt good!). There's a reason baby steps can be so important. Sometimes when we get so focused on a big goal, you're really either at a loss or feeling let-down when you achieve that goal.

This move was a big goal. Not one of my choosing, but nevertheless, a big goal. And I got so focused on it, I felt that if I could just get it over with, then life would be good again.

Ever feel that way about your weight loss? If you could just get to your goal weight, then life would be great?

Well, I totally forgot about what a pain all the unpacking would be. It's been 17 years since we've done a major move like this, and we have so mch more now. It's going to take a long, long time to really feel settled. There's so much cleaning to be done, but who has time when there's all those boxes clamoring to be unpacked? We've got to get our NY driver's licenses. Register the cars. Fence in the yard. Figure out some way to erect a kennel for the cats. And we've got to do all that while unpacking, and still living our lives.

Weight loss is like that, too. You can't wait to start living until you get to your goal weight. Break it down into small chunks, reward yourself for every small goal, and remember that life goes on outside of your weight loss journey.

I find I'm totally missing my own baked goods, too. I didn't realize just how much I'd come to rely on them. I miss my home made waffles with PB; my cookies; my cupcakes; my scones. All those things are only occasional treats, but they're worked into pretty much every week, and I want them. I want them NOW.

I've been starving the last few days. Last night I had some frozen yogurt after dinner. Then some popcorn. Then some vegan "fudge". And finally some cereal. I was just plain hungry; I don't know why. Maybe all those days of not eating enough are catching up with me. Maybe I didn't lose weight because I didn't eat enough (wouldn't be the first time). Or maybe I'll have a gain this week (hope not!).

And finally to the fat lady. My parents couldn't wait; they came up to visit us yesterday, packing boxes and all. At least we'd cleared out enough room so that everyone could actually sit comfortably -- we have 2 couches instead of a couch and a love seat, and sometimes that really comes in handy (although it means the chaise doesn't fit into our living room anymore and neither of us is happy about that).

I was pretty surprised that my mom didn't say anything about my weight. She always notices. And hey, I'm 25 lbs lighter than the last time she saw me.

She did -- just as they were about to leave. Whew. At least someone finally noticed!

  
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MOMMA_GRIZZ 5/4/2009 7:18PM

    All I can say is - wow - I got tired just reading your post. It reminds me that I never want to move again....kudos to you for all your hard work and your patience!

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KEAKMAN 5/4/2009 6:52PM

    I am glad that you can find good things to say about your new home. And your DH probably is a little uneasy about the move and all, so that is why he is only hearing the negative things you say. I LOVE unpacking and putting away, the whole figuring out where everything goes. Wish I lived close enough to come help.

Glad your mom finally noticed! 25 pounds is a LOT! Keep up the great work. I imagine you ate because you were hungry. Just don;t let it become a habit!

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MTER67 5/4/2009 6:32PM

    I can't even begin to imagine your stress level! It is going to take a little (a lot?) of time for you and your husband to wade through the chaos and begin to feel "calm" again. I am sure you are just about ready to stuff him in an empty box and toss him out onto the sidewalk!

There are a lot of parallels you can draw between packing up and not just weight loss, but life as a whole. Nobody can think clearly or relax with everything torn up around them...but you are absolutely right, if you believe that everything will be perfect once you reach your goal, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Better to make the most of the time along the way, rather than holding out for some elusive "pay off" right at the end!

Comment edited on: 5/4/2009 6:33:58 PM

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WOODLANDMYST 5/4/2009 12:26PM

  I have to tell you - I moved to GA in Dec. '06... and we've still got things stored in two - not one - storage trailers! I know firsthand that a small kitchen can be a curse as well as a blessing. No, my teensy kitchen space can't hold all the things I wish it would - but at the same time, everything that is in there is within arm's length. I can talk on the phone, pack my lunch and wash dishes at the same time LOL You'll get settled soon - and then you can relax, look around and smile.

Carrying heavy boxes is a type of cardio, don't forget that!

Cyndy

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TANYA210 5/4/2009 12:01PM

    I aslo try reward myself for my weight loss accomplishments. It is truly baby steps to get to our goal weight and retinking your lifestyle. Congrats on your weight loss. Keep it up.

Tanya

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There's no place like home

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Since I grew up just 90 miles south of Albany, it feels oddly like home here. The roads, the houses, the subdivisions . . . even some of the roads are actually the same routes as back home, and if I just headed south on them, eventually I'd get there.

There's a lot I do miss about Austin. Whole Foods, Central Market (can you tell I'm food driven?), my sushi loving lunch buddy, my WW meeting & more. But there are new things to discover here, too.

While the food stores are mostly uninspired, still, I'm finding more of what I want than I thought I would. Not everything, but I still have to do a lot more shopping. I think I'll end up shopping at multiple stores more often than I used to. There's a health food co-op here that we visited back in January. I have to ponder whether or not I want to join, but you can shop there without joining. They make awesome, healthy sandwiches. But there's a lot more there than just sandwiches. Even a knitting circle, apparently!

I did go to my WW meeting this morning. Basically I've stayed the same -- not a bad thing, athough I actually feel as though I've lost weight, frankly. My jeans feel looser. That may be just because it's so long since they were washed. Still, I haven't been tracking my food at all except in my head, have mostly been living off of take out and restaurant food -- and some fast food, which normally I never eat & don't really especially enjoy, but it has its places.

The only form of exercise I've managed for over a week is walking. I already know that just walking itself isn't enough for me to lose weight usually.

Still, the good news is that the WW center is very close to home. Maybe 10 minutes away -- closer than back in Austin, which will come in handy when winter arrives. Not to mention if I ever do get down to my goal weight, it would be SO convenient to work there (although I'd probably end up getting sent to some church out in Osh Kosh).

This neighborhood is very convenient to lots of things, and it's very walkable for the dogs. I suppose I'll get used to my tiny kitchen . . . eventually. I'll have to take some photos. If only I had a battery for my camera . . . or my computer set up (this is the computer my husband was using while he lived here before we arrived).

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MTER67 5/3/2009 6:43AM

    Hehe...if you only had a camera battery and the computer set up! Ack, I hate moving!

I bet that you will feel at home before you know it. I am sure there is sushi to be had nearby and you will find all the best places to buy your "whole foods," even if it isn't actually in a "Whole Foods" store!

I'm impressed you are still able to post these blogs while you are elbow deep in packing paper and big boxes!

emoticon

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KEAKMAN 5/2/2009 2:10PM

    I am so glad that you are finding things to like about your new home. It sounds like "home" to me (I'm from the Pittsburgh, PA area). It will be great if you find the right place/s for shopping - that is important!

Hooray for not gaining any weight over all this confusion. And you may really have lost weight - scales can be off. It would have been hard for me not to snack myself to death while unpacking and putting things away. I am proud of you for keeping to a plan - even if it is in your head and not on paper!

Keep up the good work.

(how do the dogs and cats like the new place now that they have been there for a while?)

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