Tuesday, February 23, 2010
It's one I'm sure a lot of us share. How many times in your life have you either not done something or abandoned it because you couldn't do it perfectly? Of course, this one is all tied up in the fear of failing, too.
I probably learned this one at a young age. Like my brother and my sister, I swam on the swim team (for our JCC, not at school -- they didn't have swim teams at school, not at that young an age, anyway). I wasn't very good.
I have always enjoyed swimming, but I'm no athelete. In anything. I am slow. Most athletic things don't come naturally to me. I'm the bookworm, the one with her nose always in a book.
Sometimes it's so much easier to not start something rather than to face up to our fear of imperfectin. You know, I blew it so I might as well just eat what I want mentality. Or I'll start my diet on Monday.
There have been times in my life that I have overcome my fears of failure and imperfection. I got married -- and stay married -- after all. I owned & operated my own business for 13 years (while not exactly a rousing a success, still, it brought us extra money and was very fulfilling, at least for a while, and brought me lots of great opportunities).
The bottom line is that none of us is perfect. So what, really, is there to fear? Failure? Pick yourself up and start again. You probably learned something from not being perfect.
I, for one, have put aside my fears of imperfection and registered for my first 5k in June. Sure, I still have lots of fears about it. Fear of being last -- probably not, it's a very large run, but there's no doubt that I am still very slow. I can't seem to get past 45 minutes or just a little less for a 5k, and even that is still hard for me. I'm sure hoping adrenaline kicks in and gives me a faster time.
Fear of looking foolish. Even fear of getting lost! I haven't yet driven into the big, bad city.
Fear is really such a useless emotion, mostly. It's useful if you're walking down an empty street you shouldn't be walking down, for instance, and it keeps you alert. But the fears that we let rule our lives hold us back from living our lives. Sometimes you just have to give that fear a kick to the side, live your life, and realize that what you feared wasn't so bad after all.
What sort of fears hold you back? Have you overcome any fears on your weight loss journey? Has being perfect ever really been all that rewarding for you? What could you do if you didn't worry about being perfect?
Monday, February 22, 2010
I was watching a kid skate last week. Maybe he was 6 years old. And he was fearless. Bombing around on the ice, coming to ice-showering stops.
I don't think I have ever been that way. I've always had a fear of hurting myself. I didn't particularly like bikes because I did fall once onto our gravel driveway -- and have the scar to this day to remember it by. When I wanted to go somewhere, I usually used my two feet. Until I got my license -- at a fairly early age because my parents were sick of playing tax driver to the last kid at home.
I didn't want to get that license, either. Yup, you guessed it, I was scared to learn to drive.
Is a fear of failure fueling my plateau? Maybe in the very back reaches of my subconscious, or almost-subconscious mind. I have been here before. Just about at this weight. Going to WW meetings (altho only once a month, not weekly, as a lifetime member). I was working out with a personal trainer. And no matter what I did, it seemed that I couldn't push past where I was at. Eventually I gave up.
Sort of -- I still worked out, I tried to eat healthy, but I gave up on going to meetings. That was about after a year of a plateau.
I don't remember that happening the first time I lost weight. Maybe I didn't fear failure so much then. Altho I'd lost weight before, I'd never lost it in a structured format; always on my own. Maybe I just didn't think about not getting to goal weight. Oh yeah, those last 10 pounds were hard and the weight never came off easy -- it never has -- but I was determined and I did it.
But that was 20 years ago. I've had 20 years of ups and downs, of trying so hard and always falling back down the mountain.
But this time is still different. I have more than WW -- I have all the support of my SP buddies, and that is something very different from every other weight loss attempt. I have the 29 pounds (more or less) that I've successfully peeled off this body when I truly didn't think I could lose weight anymore. When I was here before, I wasn't happy with myself. I thought I was so fat.
Now I AM happy with myself. I no longer think I'm so fat. Age has its priveleges after all. I still do think I am heavier than is healthy for my height -- despite my DH assuring me over & over that he thinks where I'm at is perfectly fine (maybe that makes him feel a bit better for being overweight and out of shape if I'm not quite at where I should be -- but I doubt guys really think about that all that much).
I do wish I could go back to the teenage me, the 20-something me, the 30-something me and shake some sense into myself. But I am the 40-something me I am today because of all the me's that have come before me. Changing the past would mean changing myself.
We CAN change. It's hard work. Sometimes it's scary work. But we can do anything we put our minds to.
How bout you? Do you believe you can change? Are you willing to do the work you need to to change? What's holding you back on your journey to a healthier you?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
For about a week and a half. I've both been looking forward to being on my own again, and not. It's nice to be part of a team.
I look forward to it because I get to eat the way I want to. No, not binging or anything -- but vegetarian (except maybe some sushi in there), partly vegan, partly raw. I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone but myself.
OTOH, I tend to stay up a bit later -- but get up at the same time -- because DH takes the dogs out at night. So they're used to going out later. I won't stay up as late as he does, but I'll stay up just a bit later so they won't be so uncomfortable.
Not to mention that they're making some noises about some weather at the end of the week. I won't lie, it was so nice to stay snug & warm in the house while DH applied the snow blower to our last snowfall.
But I'll deal with whatever comes my way. I always do.
Chester has been clingier lately. The dogs haven't really seemd to clue in to when we're going somewhere. The cats do. They know when something is afoot. They know what suitcases are.
I'm wondering if he began to realize that DH was leaving? He was howling a bit as I left to go skating Friday, which is unlike him (he suffered very severe separation anxiety, but we've moved past that and most of the time he gets downright excited when I'm getting ready to go anywhere). He was whining when I got ready to go out to the movies yesterday (by myself, so DH was looking after them).
He slept with me last night, and for a dog usually attached at the hip to me, oddly enough he usually sleeps with DH. But he willingly went into his crate when I got up this morning (mornings are dog-free time with the cats),without me even asking him to.
How do you deal when your SO is away? Is it easier, or harder? Do you prefer cooking for yourself, or can't you be bothered? Do you take it as permission to eat "forbidden" foods?
DH will be gone almost a week and a half. He has 2 meeting in CA, and then he's going up to Seattle to visit his folks. It will be very tiring for him. I know on the few occasions I traveled for business, it was tiring, but it's also somewhat freeing to be able to do what you want when you want to. Sort of like with him gone. Only I still have all the animals to care for.
And when we gets back, hopefully our kitchen will get finished!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
. . . you should talk to your doctor about whether or not you might have an eating disorder.
Let me preface this blog by saying that I know eating disorders are real, that they are very painful, and I am not in any way, shape, or form trying to hurt or anger anyone who has or has had an eating disorder.
Moving on -- I'm parphrasing what the SP Motivational calendar's message was for today. It's upstairs, and I can't be bothered to go back up & retrieve it, but it said things like if you think about food all the time, count calories, etc. you might have an eating disorder.
There is a big difference, in my mind, between disordered eating and having an eating disorder.
Am I obssessed with food? You bet. I love food. All sorts of food. I swoon almost as much for the perfect roasted brussel sprouts as I do for chocolate or my banana "ice cream" (frozen bananas + soymilk + small amount of walnuts).
I don't count calories, but I do count points.
I also know that I do not now, and have never had, an eating disorder. Disordered eating? Absolutely. As a teenager and a college student I had times when I binged. Never planned, never big -- but things like eating a whole 1 lb chocolate bar at a time, an entire box of cookies, an entire box of poptarts. In one sitting.
Those days are so far behind me.
Yet I still struggle, some days. Some days I eat totally healthy and am totally satisfied and am happy with myself. Some days I still struggle with cravings or just plain feel bad about myself. Some days I don't eat as healthy as I planned to, and I'm still okay with my eating and myself.
I'm a work in progress. We all are.
One of the biggest things I've been doing the past couple of months is to really pay attention to how what I eat makes me feel. Did it keep me full? For how long? Did I have lots of energy, or was I dragging or barely able to move? Did it satisfy me?
There are some things that I really enjoy that for the moment I've decided to take a pass on. Because they don't keep me full long enough or give me enough energy.
How I eat today may not be how I eat tomorrow or in 10 years. And that's okay. When we stop evolving, hopefully we're dead! I don't ever want to be stagnant.
How bout you? How have your eating habits changed? How do you WISH your eating habits would change? What baby steps would move you in the direction you want to move in?
I also realized I have another NSV to share. I have a pair of jeans that didn't fit me when we were in Austin. When we moved here, I was able to ear them, altho they were a bit tight. Now they're beginning to be a bit loose (still not falling off my body loose, so I can still wear them without giving myself permission to eat too much!).
I haven't lost a whole lot of weight since moving, but I do have to believe that my body is still changing.
Friday, February 19, 2010
I am battling those BLTs. Fighting the good fight. Mostly winning. I didn't take a spec of the date cake I gave DH this morning (and it's healthy, as much as anything sweet is healthy). I refrained from licking the peanut butter knife after putting peanut butter in the dogs' kongs yesterday, and I ALWAYS lick the peanut butter knife.
I've also given myself permission to have something and not count the points. Not on a routine basis and not without eating it mindfully. But sometimes you just need a get out jail free card, ya know? I view it like the no weigh pass at WW (which I never use, because I always want to know the details, good, bad, or ugly).
But I will write it down. I MUST write it down. It's a moral imperative for me. And more often than not, I'm finding if I write it down, I'll count the points, too.
I'm sure some of you look at the recipes I've posted from time to time and think you eat THAT as part of a healthy lifestyle? No wonder you've been on a plateau for half a year. But I don't (usually) just willy nilly eat some chocolate. I plan for it. I make sure I can fit it in my day. And if I do veer of course, I try to figure out why. So I can learn from my mistakes. It's a constant learning curve!
I've had a couple of weeks lately where I have lost. This past week even included my chocolate oatmeal, baking some cookies, and a slice of flourless chocolate cake on Valetine's Day. And I lost 1 1/2 lbs. Weird, huh?
So I plan to review this past week. What can I learn from it?
I also know that I'm heading into pre-TOM time, and that's the dangerous BLT time, so what better time to start an anti-BLT program, right? I know that I still CAN lose weight pre-TOM. I've done it sometimes.
And here's another bonus oatmeal recipe. I took yesterday's date chocolate oatmeal and ran with it. This still falls into the occasional treat category (the apple pie oatmeal, for instance, I consider to be completely healthy, and I eat it on a pretty regular basis -- the chocolate oatmeal is an occasional treat).
So with no further fanfare, I give you:
Peanut Butter Cookie Oatmeal
1/2 cup oats
3 dates, chopped
2 tbsp peanut butter
1 tbsp dark chocolate chips
Cook oatmeal to desired doneness.
Mix in dates and peanut butter.
Top with dark chocolate chips (do not mix -- unless you really wanna).
OMG, it's like eating a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie. Sort of. The sweetness of the dates and the chocolate chips (I like Hershey's Special dark chocolate) play off so well against the slight saltiness of the peanut butter. Heaven!
How is your own battle with BLTs going? Come up with any solutions you want to share? What else is tripping you up lately?
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