Thursday, September 25, 2014
I hate having pants that are too small. So last weekend, I went to Pennington's & bought 3 pairs of pants & a pair of sleeper pants, all regular price. I washed them all shortly after I got home.
Today, I'm wearing the first pair, and d@mn it all, they friggin' shrank by a whole size. I read the label & it said to wash in cold water & tumble dry on low. Did that. They still shrank.
I also have to return another pair of pants from that day, because the sales lady said they stretch, so I bought a size smaller. WRONG! they're too small, period.
There's one pair of pants left to try on, and I'll do that tonight. If they shrank too, that means the whole order is going back.
I am NOT a happy camper!
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
In a couple weeks, it will be 2 years that My Guy passed away. It's not like I thought I would be fully recovered from such a sudden change in my life, but I figured I'd be well on my way.
In some parts of my life, it's starting to come around.
But not weight nor food.
I've been to psychologists, and it's not depression that I have, but an anxiety disorder that was made more intense by his dying suddenly. I can't seem to express that I need help managing the anxiety I feel around food.
I'm almost back up to 200lbs. I'm not happy about it, especially since I had to fight so hard to get under 200lbs.
My professional life is ok, and I know right now I can't handle much more. There are jobs opening up that I would be well-suited for, but they're more people-management or have an expectation to put in OT, and that's not for me.
My love life is fantastic, and having My Gal completes a part of my life I always wanted.
My handle on food broke. As in shattered to pieces. As in I can't seem to get my sh!t together and do the actions I need to do in order to get back to healthy.
My thoughts are right back where I was at 300lbs. My focus is on the numbers on the scale and not how I feel and how I live.
It's like I have lost the motivation to do the things that are tried and true for healthy living. No, it's not like that... is IS that. The positive motivators, that is. The negative motivators are still there, but they're not helping, since they keep me in a "bad person" kind of mind set.
I haven't even re-discovered hobbies I enjoyed prior to becoming a widow, or even new hobbies.
Some of you may be thinking, "Geez, Jo, be nice to yourself, you've been through a lot!" Yep, I was nice to myself... nice enough to serve up too much sugary & fatty foods to comfort my soul. And big surprise, it didn't even work.
I'm tired of my stomach hurting when I eat.
I'm tired of trying on winter pants that fit last fall but don't today.
I'm tired of feeling like a blob.
I'm tired of not having the oomph to get outside and enjoy the fresh air.
I'm tired of feeling completely wiped out after a 30-minute workout that wasn't all that intense.
I feel overwhelmed by the yardwork that needs to be done, and can't even consider the yardwork I would like to see get done.
I feel overwhelmed by the housework & indoor projects that need to be done so the house doesn't fall apart (setting up the unused rooms so mold doesn't grow in there over the winter & in the spring).
I feel inadequate because I feel like I'm whining about this topic, yet again.
I hate that I can't seem to get past this stage, again.
I hate that the anxiety leaves me with the inability to make a decision. I'm the Queen of Humming & Hawing.
I either need a fire under my gluteus maximus that burns all the time, or someone to take care of all those worries for me. So far, neither has come through.
The only way that I can see that would make a difference is to refocus all my attention to strictly controlling what I eat, and that means obsessing over the food scales.
I just don't have the same support system I used to have, the one that worked so well for the past dozen years. And finding a support group that answers my needs doesn't look like it will happen, either.
I just don't know how I'm going to get myself out of this hole I've dug.
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
I'm on a bit of a rant today. And it's not directed at the linesmen/women and tree cutting crews, but rather the upper crust of the corporation.
It's Day 5 since I've had no power. No one other than an assessor has been on our main road, never mind my dirt road. I now drive in fear all the way to work and back home, because the trees are still hanging over so many power lines.
It's not the power I'm worried about, since there is none going to those lines, but the fact these trees need to be cut down so they don't come crashing down on an unsuspecting motorist.
I'm not going to cut the branch that's laying on the power line in front of my house, and I'm not asking any of the neighbours to do it either. But if someone doesn't come soon, something will break. I'm hoping it would be just the line, and not the mast & box being yanked out of my house.
NBPower, you have been negligent in your commitment to keep power running, including the rural areas. There were many, many, MANY trees that have been threatening to fall since last winter, when Fredericton had another power outage in the middle of a snowstorm. I called in 3 of them, you've only cut down one. The other 2 are now laying across wires on my street. Thanks a whole fr!ggin' lot. I'm sure my neighbour, whose power box was ripped out of his house because a big tree that you were supposed to cut fell, would also appreciate that. Because of your sloppiness at head office, not having enough crew available to ensure the lines were free of trees and other debris, and generally not following through on your promises, he now has to pay an electrician to hook him back up. He's on a fixed income, and honestly, I don't know if he'll be able to afford it before winter.
I'm upset. Yes, I know it was a choice to live in the country, but I'm so tired of feeling like a 2nd rate citizen to NBPower and BellAliant.
You don't want to hear the decade-long battle I've had and still have with Bell. Really, you don't. Because their incompetence isn't worthy of more time.
On a better note, I picked up my generator at Home Depot this morning. When I get home later tonight, My Gal & I will set it up, and hopefully have it running for a bit tonight. I won't plug in the fridge right away, because I don't trust NBPower's notice that I should have electricity by Friday night. We'll live off food we can keep in the cooler, and purchase meals one day at a time at the grocery stores. At least this way, I can't hide any more cheesecake in the house. :-P
These past few days have been quite stressful, to the point where I couldn't even focus on getting a workout. Today was my first one since last Thursday. Now to remember to ease into it before I hurt body parts, again.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
For those of you wondering, My Gal & I are ok, as are house, garage & both vehicles. So far.
The storm started in the early hours of Saturday morning, while we were still on vacation in PEI. We opted to end our vacation early, so we could be home and keep assessing damages as they happen. On the last third of our trip home, it was raining sideways, and by the time we got to the edge of the city, we doubted we could even make it to the house, there were so many trees down.
We eventually made it home, knowing there would be no power. As a reminder, we're on well-water, which means an electrical pump. Yeah, no water really sucks.
We were home about 2 hours, with the car unpacked, and taking a break in the garage, when we heard a crack that sounded like wood. We rushed out to see what it was, but we couldn't see anything. Within 10 minutes, 2 more cracks, and a large branch from a yellow birch in the front yard is lying across the line, between the house and the pole. The branch hasn't snapped anything yet, and the power was already out when it happened. Phone lines were also down earlier that day, and cellphone service is spotty at best at my house. But My Gal & I both started calling NBPower to let them know about the branch on the line, and we actually got through. Mind you, I chose the French line, in the hopes it would be a shorter wait. And it was. Within 30 minutes, someone finally came on the line and took our info. I was afraid the cell phone might cut out before the end of the call, but obviously we were standing in the right spot.
So we have no water. On Sunday, we headed to My Gal's old workplace, Circle K Big Stop, since they were on generator and had hot water, including showers. Yep, that shower felt AMAZING. So she had to do some paperwork to pay it off *smirk*, but it was well worth it.
Because we were on vacation, there wasn't much left in the fridge to spoil. I've already thrown out some food, and more will follow tonight, most likely. Eggs, some salad dressings, frozen veggies, and a few odds & sods have already been chucked out. The deep freezer, however, isn't fairing as well. It was barely 1/4 full when we left. I've thrown out a little bit of meat so far, but there are 2 turkeys frozen at the bottom, and I've surrounded the rest of the food around them. Still, I'm likely to lose a little more food before we get power restored. At best, I'll have lost maybe $100 worth of food, and that's a cost I can easily handle.
I've got 2 coolers in the kitchen, and 4 bags of ice, that are helping to keep things cool. The almond milk and most of the eggs will have to be tossed out when I get home tonight, however, the Sara Lee cheesecakes are holding up well, especially since we polished one off last night. :-P
Yesterday, the highlights of my day were to find a laundromat and some ice. On my way in, I stopped at My Gal's store. She and another cashier were so busy they couldn't even get to the coffee machines to make more. So I stuck around and kept filling up the coffee machines for a couple hours, and kept the area clean. At that point, I don't think she cared if her store got a Mystery Shopper, she was more concerned about having enough product to sell. I was happy to help, since there was nothing more I could do at home. After that, I found a laundromat that wasn't too busy, and did 3 loads of wash. Oh, clean undies & socks!!! :-D Then I headed for home, without any ice. On the way, I swung by my office, and lights were on. Oh yeah, I thought... generator. Then I noticed the grocery store (Sobeys) also had lights on. And a huge freezer. I went in, and the ice chest was about 1/3 gone already, and going fast. 4 bags, please & thank you! :-D
I also heard that Home Depot had a waiting list for generators, and they were receiving shipments often between now and the weekend. So I called this morning, and I'm on the list -- #90. That's ok, since I also learned there were 80 in this morning's shipment, and there's another load coming later today or early tomorrow. My credit card is pretty much empty of debt and my debit card can handle up to $1000 per day. And then the work AMEX has no limit. I have the money for this generator that I should have bought this past winter.
I never expected this much hurricane to hit our area. I'll be ready next time.
So today, I'm at work. We have showers here, so My Gal & I were able to freshen up for the day early this morning. (The gym committee that I chair has decided to leave the doors open for shower access. More good PR for us.) Home Depot will call when a generator comes in. And my Uncle Gus the Electrician will come out and hook it up to the water pump, and hopefully the generator will be powerful enough to also run the fridge and maybe the wood pellet stove (for winter outages).
The worst part was the deafening silence in the house, without any electronics on. It creeps me out a bit at the beginning every time it happens, but now that I'm at work, I'm not as freaked out. Stress makes me eat, but so far, I've only polished off half a cheesecake, and that's only because I didn't want to throw it out before it spoiled. Veggies, however, don't seem to be my priority, so I have to change that soon, too.
Oh yeah... the week's vacation was awesome, and I have another 2 weeks worth in about 4 weeks time.
Counting my blessings.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
This morning, Sky crossed the Rainbow Bridge. For the last 3 weeks or so, she hadn’t been eating very much, and it was difficult to coax her into eating even her favourite foods. At first, I thought it was her regular Spring Fasting, something she did every spring, to help shed her winter weight. That usually lasted 3-4 days, but after those days passed, I knew something wasn’t right. Last Friday, I decided to call the vet, and I brought Sky in on Tuesday to see what was wrong. She was losing so much weight, and she wasn’t a big dog to start with. The vet said the prognosis wasn’t good, that she had fluid in her belly. I decided to get some blood work done for her, knowing that her days with me were numbered. Yesterday, I called to get the results. There was something wrong with her liver, most likely scar tissue that hadn’t healed well, and it was causing her stomach to bloat. That’s why she wouldn’t eat.
This morning, at 8:45, Sky crossed the Rainbow Bridge, quietly and painlessly. For those who knew her, you also probably know she was prone to wandering on the Hurlett. The biggest fear that My Guy & I always had was that she would die alone in the woods. I prayed to My Guy to keep her near the house, so she would die with dignity and not alone. She was on her bed this morning.
Sky, you were the best Puppy Dog Ms. Doggie Do I ever had. Yes, even compared to my childhood dog Candy, you were still the best Puppy Dog I had. You had a wonderful long life, over 15 human years, which made you nearly 100 in doggie years. You’ve had your share of bumps & bruises, and some pretty close calls over the years. You surprised us every time by coming back to us, usually limping or nearly crawling, but in no time, you were back to your excited self. The last couple years have been hard on you, especially after My Guy passed away. I worried more for you than for me during those first few months, hoping that you wouldn’t run away in search for him.
My Guy had done the best thing in the world by rescuing you from that house. You weren’t a year old when he brought you home. So many memories of you run through my head, in both snow and green grass activities. The best memory is the day we brought you home, to the Hurlett, where you finally had enough room to run, to move, and to chase rabbits. Today is a sad day because I will never get to watch you chase another rabbit, guard the house, or see your wagging tail again. But there is a sense of happiness too: you will get to leap like a gazelle like you used to do, when you see My Guy today. You loved him as much as he loved you. Sky, walk by his side, along the wooded areas of heaven that you and My Guy loved so much.
I miss you, and I love you, Sky My Puppy Dog Ms. Doggie Do
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