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The Attitude of My JEANS, not Genes

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Over the past 6 months, I have pretty much gained back almost all of the weight that I had lot this past year. Things have been...complicated to say the least.

I am now in the largest sized pair of jeans I have ever owned. It makes me mad. And here's the rub:
My jeans KNOW that I hate them. They do. It's wild.
My larger sized jeans gnash their copper riveted teeth at me in response to the constant stink eye that I fling in their direction. It's like my jeans have their own rap star-shiny brass grill (give me a beat!!!).




I don't see the purpose in posting the actual size of my jeans, since some Sparkers might be thrilled to be wearing my current size, and I do appreciate that. BUT that does not mean that I should be happy with it.
This was a giant step backward for me.
I feel as if I am stomping dust and schmear all over reaching my weight loss goal last year.

And these new jeans must be able to read me like a dog-eared book, since they laugh and cackle at me.
It's audible too. See, when I walk in my jeans, they give off an audible, 'scruff scruff' sound.
Within that sound, emanating from my nether region, they tell me that I am lumpy and undesirable.

Scruff scruff.

They tell me that it's not worth the fight, so I should throw in that (workout) towel, and cave in to the inevitable.

Scruff scruff.

And I paid for these larger jeans, which just gets under my skin.
It wasn't easy to bring home my attitude-filed denim. It took some work, like going to a flea market, except I didn't get excited in the end with my purchase.

My first thought was to hit the mall. I tried to keep the walking distance to a minimum though. My old jeans weren't even buttoned up all the way, and it was uncomfortable to say the least. Those poor jeans were so tortured, that they only emanated a wispy whimper sound with each leg swipe. My jeans were sad....

I kept telling myself, it's denim! It's cotton! It's the fabric of our lives, right??? So what's the big deal?



Macy's had no love for me. Not one pair fit right. Everything seemed to be meant for a person with the thighs of a 12 year old boy. When I did manage to find a size that fit, they were practically a foot shorter than I needed. This just wouldn't do. I knew better then to humiliate myself in the juniors section, so I went to Marshall's on the way home. I needed to get the most bang for my buck since I am not able to be on my feet for too long.
My old jeans forced themselves to move as I pushed my cart into the store.

Whimper whimper (the sound of my sad jeans).

My first stop - the candle section. Why? Because I was determined to come home with at least something that I actually liked. I found some gardenia scented candles, complete with fingernail marks and dust on top. I told myself that I could burn away that evidence right quick once I lit them, and chucked them in my cart.
I swerved back to the clothing section and dove in.

Whimper whimper

The Lee jeans were OK. Not flattering, but OK. The coloring was a bit off though. Plus they were still too short. I tried to talk myself into buying them if I promised to NEVER sit down while wearing them so as not to make it obvious. No dice.

I wandered to the Seven jeans rack. Sticker shock, even a Marshalls! I took one look at the price tag, gasped, grabbed my left boobie for some reason (what was that about???), and backed away from those jeans.

Then I saw some Lucky jeans, on clearance!
They did not leave that strange gap between the crest of my toosh and my lower back. This was a great thing since I was sure that i would need to stash my wallet or something back there to fill that void. They fit.

Now there are exactly two things that I can do in response to the situation that I am currently in (angry jeans and all).
Well ok, there are actually three things I could do, but one of them involves throwing my jeans into the trash and then being stuck without jeans to wear (again). Not smart.

I can either:
A) Let the scruffy talk coming from the denim of my jeans actually motivate me to get out of those trash talking beasts, get back to my Sparkly self, and get BACK to my smaller BACKside.
or
B) I can succumb to the rhythmic, mind altering scruffing, believe the nonsense and give up. This option inevitably ends up with my then buying even larger sized jeans in the future. Not a good option.

But hey, I'm cheap. I hate to blow $ on clothes I have no love for.
I am fully aware that if I am unhappy with myself, then I will unintentionally make my husband's Iife, and everyone else around me miserable. That's just not cool.

I'll light my fuzzy gardenia candles, meditate on this a bit, and go for option A.

Scruff scruff - for now.

'Nuff said.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELIBUG 4/17/2012 3:27PM

    I hate, hate, hate jeans shopping. I usually get mad and think there is a store conspiracy of them thinking only fat people are short - WRONG!!!! I really have to be in the right mindset to go jean shopping, because it will knock me down a few rungs on how I feel about myself by the time I'm done.... trying to find something that is long enough, wide enough for thighs, big enough for hips/butt, and once over those mountains doesn't leave the gapping hole in the backside for someoone to easily scratch my behind without trying to hard - LOL.

Surprisingly, I have had better luck in the last 6 months with shopping at the thrift store for jeans. I have managed to find several like new, brand name jeans that actually fit. Of course, my first pass is to look for any touching the floor (cuz' then they are long enough), then the rest of the hard, depressing work begins!

Glad you were successful in finding something to work for you while in the transition back to where you want to be! Just give the new jeans the stink eye for awhile longer and you'll be there.

Hugs ~ Melissa

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RBLACKWOOD21 4/15/2012 1:08AM

    emoticon emoticon

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CANNIE50 4/14/2012 11:00PM

    I am the wrong person to comment since I have seen with my very own eyes that you look fabulous.

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2WHEELEDSHARON 4/3/2012 9:32PM

    Haven't you had health problems that make everything feel like sticks and garbage? Don't even think about getting down on yourself, sister! Wear those jeans, stick the candle in that gap, and walk like Tyra down the Marshalls runway! Or just sit like the Queen of Getting Through a Crazy Mess of H-E double hockey sticks! I figure uncooperative jeans are part of the process, and so is getting scruffless. You will do it!

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 4/3/2012 12:43PM

    emoticon

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CLOVER2 4/3/2012 2:50AM

    Jeans can be so cruel! We love them, our relationship with them is one of "Please don't leave me!" I had forgotten what it was like to put on a pair of jeans, pull them up without having to lie on the bed first, zip (ZIPPPP, what an incredible word!!) them up and wear them without having to figure out how to breathe. I figure you got option A all figured out, and you know you have a ton of Sparkle Friends who'll cheer and support and love you right into it! I know I'll be there, always!!
Love you bunches!
Terri
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MRSSCHENCK 4/2/2012 6:14PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JCARDINAL 4/2/2012 1:29PM

    I think I'm wearing the sister to your jeans!! Very mouthy girls that they are. Let's get working together and dump these jeans. We can do it!!

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KAILYNSTAR 4/2/2012 12:01PM

    I too am wearing a size that I haven't wore for a few years. I lost 30 lbs and then managed to gain the weight back. I hate my jeans. They don't scruff, they're wearing out, because I refuse to buy another pair that size. I want my smaller jeans, the ones that say, "Hey there good lookin'!"

So, I'm in the same boat as you. Do I want to give up, or just get moving...

Spring is here. Walking outside will be welcome for me and then, I'm moving....

'Nuff said.

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JODIEST 4/2/2012 6:40AM

    I get it. I soooooooo get it. Thank you for putting that into words.

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MEDDYPEDDY 4/2/2012 1:45AM

    My large clothes are not that aggressive, they are more like depressed and lack energy.
My problem for the moment is that I need a new sweimsuit and I have two almost new pairs that I CAN get into – at the cost of risk of choking blood vessels and nerves because they are so tight. I have to go to the dressingroom bathroom to wiggle in and out of them... and I don´t want to buy a new larger one so I hang on to the old I bought in Florida....1994 or something it is almost falling to pieces. Just one size smaller... I can do that! But not until wednesday when there is water exercise and I don´t think the old one will work with that, I can swim in it in a ladylike manner but not jump around I think...
For the moment I am too fat for jeans, sweatpants is the sad solution...

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AAAACK 4/2/2012 1:03AM

    My new fat jeans like to move around on my body when I'm not moving - that's how I know they know...I hate them, too!

Yes, from a sitting position, they start scrunching down so I actually have to stand up to yank them up back over the rolls. Ugh. Not pretty. But seriously uncomfortable if I don't adjust them. Certainly not date night pants, that's for sure!

We've got to get back to our clothes that make us happy. Good choice on your part. I think I'll do the same!



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KRZYKAT3 4/1/2012 8:00PM

    rofl, that is how I felt aout buyin new work pants in a smaller size. they just felt different and made different noises thant my comfy too big pants

well done my friend

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LGAR519 4/1/2012 7:20PM

    Love you, honey, no matter what size you are!! We'll be here when you're ready to try again.

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TRUEREINVENTED 4/1/2012 6:36PM

    Your blog made me smile--and it was bittersweet too. Listening to the negativity coming from your jeans is definately a path to nowhereville. Keep trying--its all you got!

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Nitroglycerin and Toy Story band-aids, really?

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I have been meaning to post an update blog, but a lot has happened. And that "a lot" has affected the use of my hands even more. My husband refers to this type of situation as a cr*p sandwich. Forgive me, but it does seem appropriate!

We spent about 4 hours at the research facility clinic on Monday since my health issues were screaming bloody murder with a big nerve flare this last Thursday.
I got another ECG, the usual blood pressure tests, etc. No big deal. But once they started to really look at the lesions on my hands, things changed a bit.
The doctor examined me and then called in a cardiologist to administer nitroglycerin (minty!). Then I got to see their rheumatologist (poke poke squeeze, OW!).

All three of my medical musketeers gave me a discouraged looking face and a somber head shake. It's never good when a doctor says, "oh no", let alone all three of them.
Come on guys, I need good back up singers here to get me home!

All of this because one of them blurted out that they were trying to save my fingers. Ok, now we were a bit freaked out.

Next they gave me a cortisone shot, and now I have a small pile of Px's.
So what do I have in my bag of tricks? Lots of aspirin, nerve drugs, prednisone, nitroglycerine and something else (can't remember). My brain???

My wonderful hubby made 2 trips to the pharmacy to get the new Px's, and even made sure to go get me some silly band-aids to go over the nitroglycerin cream (Toy Story!). The only sour part of that great deed, was that he also came home with a giant bag of Reece's PB cups and TWO boxes of Swedish fish (which I love).
I asked him why he strayed from the list (Lord knows we always send them over with a list for a reason, right?!), but he said that he just wanted to get me something to make me smile. Aww...

I had to return the EM drug yesterday. And it WAS working too. I had more confirmation of that when I was able to wear my shoes for 3+ hours at the clinic! For people with Erythromelalgia, our shoes are always off. ALWAYS. That's a key symptom of EM.

The facility director called us later for my exit interview. She said that they were all a bit down in the dumps that I had been removed from this drug trial. One of the nurses told me later that when the director hung up with me, she cried. That makes me even more sad!
They tried to file for something called a 'compassion', where the drug company ideally gives me the drug to use at home while it is still in the testing phase, but they won't. I truly appreciate the effort though. It's too bad that my body was not playing well with others.

So now I have daily appointments with both the rheumatologist and the clinic doctor at 9:00 AM to check my hands. Part of me feels very privileged since it take months to get in to see my regular rheumatologist back home in CA : ).

But I just want to go home. I've wanted to go home since last Thursday, but we are waiting for the 'thumbs up' from the doctors.
Until then, I am not cleared to fly anywhere or leave their care.
Boy, if that doesn't that make me want to go home even more; to my own bed, to see my furry Jit-zu kitty and Olive the wonder puppy. I want to eat my hubbie's grilled chicken and veggies, and smell the cold ocean air on our front porch.

One of my spark friends told me to think about the things I won't miss from that drug trial.
Great idea!
I am pleased that I don't have any more pain induction tests.
Hey, no more tinkling in a cup, flashing my chest for all of those ECG's, or blood draws either!
Did I mention that I would bribe the nurses with gum if they could get my vein in the first stick successfully? It really worked! Orbitz is like gold!

Let me give you the visual I'm looking at currently in the mirror...
Fabric gloves to protect the lesions on my hands from opening, Toy Story band aids, my hairstyle a bit off (let's see you try to put your hair in pony tail without using your fingers), and crooked penciled in eye brows (gotta have functioning fingers to draw those puppies on!).

As for my insides...
Belly contents of bad hotel room coffee (clearly an offensive crime right there), too much sugar-free gum (to dilute the metallic taste in my mouth from the nerve drugs), and daily meals produced by our mini microwave.

Note to self: Brussels sprouts cooked in hotel coffee mugs within the mini micro make the room smell foul! My DH was horrified as he continually waved the hotel room door to dilute the noxious cloud, Ha!

So now we wait for my bod' to heal enough to tolerate the pressure of the flight. Can't bleed out on the plane like some scary tv episode.

I only lasted 8 days on the drug trial. We've been waiting 4 days to go home.
I know that I was meant to do this trial though, if only for this short stint.
I feel blessed to have been a part of it, but am so sorry that my current health drama would not allow me to complete it.

This is usually where people sign off with something like, "well, at least I have my health", right?
Well, I don't.
But I do have a fantastic (and extremely handsome) husband as my support system, as well as my real world pals, and all of you Spark friends to keep me moving toward a cure.

'Nuff said.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSB8604 3/13/2012 12:07PM

    Oh my dearest girl, I am so sorry you're going through this but I am proud of you for doing the best you can in regards to your eating. You are seriously a SUPERSTAR and I am so proud to call you my SparkFriend.

You're in my thoughts and please keep us updated when you can.

We're here for you and we love you!

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CLOVER2 3/7/2012 6:44PM

    I am so sorry I didn't see this until now. I have been working odd hours, 12 hours last Thursday night/Friday morning, 10pm last night to 6am this morning, the same again tonight. But I read your words and I want to kick myself in the butt. I have absolutely NO reason to be feeling sorry for myself. How on earth you maintain a sense of humor that I absolutely love and would kill to have I will never know! You are so brave, and so silly, and so wonderful. And I do love you so. I wish I could make you all better.
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/7/2012 6:46:47 PM

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MRSSCHENCK 3/5/2012 6:40AM

    I know I'm late and wrong. Forgive me while I catch up with the goings-on of my friends.

First of all.... emoticon emoticon

Once you said Reece's and Swedish fish, you lost me for a moment. I kept thinking of the candy that is stashed away in my drawer for emergencies. Then I had to reel myself back in and focus. Okay. I'm focused. emoticon Your husband is really sweet.

Then you mentioned the cold ocean air and you lost me again. I'm from the east coast and now I want to go to the beach. Okay...I'm back emoticon

Seriously though, I think you are so emoticon. You're going through so much and yet you still have a positive attitude. I'm so glad we're friends and I pray for a treatment that works for you soon.

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TRENTDREAMER 3/4/2012 10:22PM

    "My husband refers to this type of situation as a cr*p sandwich. Forgive me, but it does seem appropriate! "
* I would agree.

"The doctor examined me and then called in a cardiologist to administer nitroglycerin (minty!). Then I got to see their rheumatologist (poke poke squeeze, OW!). "
* emoticon

"All of this because one of them blurted out that they were trying to save my fingers. Ok, now we were a bit freaked out. "
* emoticon emoticon emoticon

I really hope that you can overcome this.

I'm going to do some 8th grade detective work on this "Erythromelalgia" that you speak of.

again, emoticon emoticon emoticon



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STRIVER57 3/3/2012 5:20AM

    you are just incredibly brave (although i'm sure you don't feel that you are). i've been looking at your blog's via Cannie's comments for a while. frankly i'm glad your husband brought you those reece's and swedish fish and i hope you enjoyed them. and i hope you go home soon. and ... i guess that I hope ... is all i really have to say.

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MELIBUG 3/2/2012 11:53AM

    Prayers and hugs to you girlfriend that everything calms down so you can return home! Though short, your participation in the trial happened for a reason in the long term plan. Good things are going to happen as a result - I just know it!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RYDERB 3/2/2012 9:41AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MEDDYPEDDY 3/1/2012 11:58PM

    That seem a little bit too tough! emoticon

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KAILYNSTAR 3/1/2012 12:38PM

    emoticon



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JCARDINAL 3/1/2012 12:22PM

    You are so brave Bren! I love how you can still make the best of a bad situation. That's what keeps us going. I hope you can get back home soon and enjoy your ocean breezes. Love that man of yours, he's a keeper! emoticon emoticon

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SARASMILING 3/1/2012 6:03AM

    So proud of you for keeping your head up. And give that fabulous husband a hug from all of us. He does sound like a good one. ;) You are being so strong and you are such an inspiration to all of us. Thank you! emoticon

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SUNFLOWER4ME 3/1/2012 3:22AM

    I hope you get to feel that ocean breeze soon emoticon To infinity, AND BEYOND!

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FINALLYBEINGME 3/1/2012 2:12AM

    emoticon Sending a lot of positive thoughts your way. emoticon

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AAAACK 3/1/2012 1:44AM

    If I knew your hotel addr, I'd fedex you a Peet's care package with presspot (hey, it foams milk like a pro, and then makes yummy coffee).

I hope, as you know from our other conversations, that things get better extremely soon. I'm rooting for you from here. Hang in there.


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SHERRIE_BERRY 3/1/2012 12:48AM

    Oh dear Bren...sigh! How can such a huge pile of cr@p fall onto the loveliest lap in all the land???? I'm trying to imagine the noxious odour created by the sprouts...nope, can't quite imagine, but poor Randy...hehe, gotta love 'em...waving the door to let the funk escape!!! And what about the Toy Story band-aids and the sweets...awww, he's a doll!

Okay, so here's my two (I'm totally not a medical professional) cents...prednisone causes swelling....lots and lots of swelling....is this not a concern? I'm worried that this is going to contribute to the hand issue and create more swelling and more lesions, and if I'm not mistaken healing on this med is more difficult...again, unsolicited and totally not medical professional wisdom!!!! I am giving this bit of info from personal experience.

You know I love you to bits...mmm, that just made me think of bits and bites....I digress....ummm, where was I....oh yes, love you bunches and bunches and as always I'm sending cool breezes and hugs to you!!!

Be well, my friend xxx




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NUMD97 3/1/2012 12:11AM

    This one I didn't see coming. Who could anticipate that you would respond to the medication, only to be told that you could not continue in the study? I am totally perplexed by that. OK, this is not helping.

Then I guess the next best thing is to hope for a speedy and satisfactory conclusion to the trial, so that the FDA can approve of its treatment, and your CA doctors allow for you to continue with the Rx's in the private sector.

Bren, I'll add my own "I'm so sorry" along with all your other Spark fans. (The saving grace, perhaps, is that you went into this with very little expectations, unlike the rest of us, perhaps.) I wish there were something more that we could do for you. If you need, you know where and how to reach me.

Best,

Nu

Comment edited on: 3/1/2012 12:53:29 AM

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CANNIE50 2/29/2012 11:45PM

    I absolutely hate the phrase "if you don't have your health, you have nothing". Clearly, that is just not true. I am not surprised that the director cried after delivering bad news to you. I hope there is some comfort in feeling really seen and heard by doctors, in knowing there is compassion. I am thinking about you, as I often do (and I am not alone in that), and I am praying you receive some sort of relief, somehow, soon. oxoxoxoxoxoxox

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MAMADWARF 2/29/2012 10:29PM

    I'm so sorry you are going through all this. You do not deserve it and I was hoping for some good answers for you. I have a perspective on the "you have your health" crowd. In fact, I said it at thanksgiving....

What if you don't have our health? We still have a lot to be thankful for...good friends, loving family, a home, pets...these are things we can appreciate even if we are sick. I was thinking of kd at the time but it applies here. The things we do have help us get through when our health fails us.

I'm here for you, Bren. And I hope you can get home soon. You are beautiful, even with your wonky eyebrows and funky hair...lol. give the hubs a hug for me, he sure sounds like a good one!!!!!

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2WHEELEDSHARON 2/29/2012 9:52PM

    I agree, that's a craptastic deal. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You have a right to say crap and make stinky brussel sprouts anytime you darn well please, even if I was exposed to the smell!

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 2/29/2012 9:33PM

    emoticon emoticon

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LGAR519 2/29/2012 9:31PM

    I don't really know what to say. I'm so sorry that you go through all this. You are an exceptional person and I wish they would have kept you on that drug. I pray that one day they will find a cure.

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EVERSTEPH 2/29/2012 9:26PM

    Oh, I'm speechless. I wish I could take away some of the pain for you. emoticon

It's good to have the support of a hunky hubby (those Swedish Fish were swimming with love!!)! Toy Story Band-Aids - sweet!

I hope you'll be able to get back home soon. Being away from home can be rough and stress-inducing on its own. No soft furry babies around for comfort and to stroke. Oh wait... maybe the hubs can help out there? hehe, that just sounds dirty; I mean PET!

Plus, your hotel room neighbors are probably ready to boot ya outta of there. Microwave brussel sprouts? I think I just gagged.

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Greek yogurt with cherries on top (and bottom?)

Monday, February 20, 2012


I can't really spill the secrets of this trial, other than to tell you that a small # of people across the U.S. were asked to be a part of a new drug trial for a rare neuromuscular / neurovascular disease. Only a handful of those were accepted to the trial (myself included).

I packed the necessities: Protein bars for emergency meals, comfy clothes for daily tests, lipgloss, and my monkey slippers. Oh yes, that last one was the most important part. Gotta add some silly to the serious whenever possible, right?

There are 4 of us in this particular trial. We are the second group. I had never met anyone else with my disease, so it was strangely special. We range in age from 23-77 years old, but share a few characteristics. One of which is that we are all very pale, (since we cannot be in the sun), and are very red on our hands and feet from inflamation and pain. See, I would like to describe us gals with skin likened to vanilla yogurt, but vanilla yogurt has a bit of color to it (and we are pasty white), so I opted for the Greek yogurt description- adding in some cherries on top to reflect the color of our appendages : ).
Also, we all need to be in cool temps at all times, like yogurt! Yes, we are a tasty group...

We are staying in a very nice research facility run by truly kind medical staff. When I was informed that I had been accepted into this trial, I was worried about the food situation. 2+ weeks of meals NOT prepared by myself (or my wonderful man) left me a bit stressed.
How on earth was I going to eat healthy?
Is green jello considered a fruit?
Does bad coffee help ween one off caffeine?
Is there a secret plan in this? Aack!

Thankfully, the facility directors live a very clean lifestyle. Phew!
We're talking organic roasted chicken (happy birds!), sprouted grain bread bursting with life (literally), loads of fresh produce, etc. They even make their own almond butter and freshly juiced yummy things. I am truly truly blessed.

My worries of being assaulted by deep fried unidentifiable protein and a side of tater tots were laid to rest. Yeehaw.

The only serious bummer is that I am the most extreme case that the drug company has seen, so I actually need to be in much cooler temps than the rest of the group. My room temperature is a a solid 60 at its warmest, so the other gals feel it's too cold for them; their room too warm for me. So I am alone most of the time in between tests and blood draws, and secretly jealous of the laughter and conversations I hear from the other room : (.

If I were antisocial, this would be great since I have an entire wing to myself: big tv, sofa, and a room with 4 beds. If I wasn't in pain, I'd probably fulfill my childhood fantasty of hopping from bed to bed with abandon. But hey, maybe this drug will work, will give me back some normalcy (aside from being a complete GOOFBALL, which no one can prescribe me a drug for, HA!!!), and then I can actually jump on those beds like a 5 year old, right?

Coming to Spark last year helped me realize the bridge between my pain and my emotional reaction to that pain. I had allowed my pain, stress, etc. to reign over my daily life, and wanted so much more. I truly have gotten so much from Spark, and my mindset has changed for the better. Hoorah!
Eating better and learning to work with what I've got has brought me to a much better place all around, even if it still is a daily struggle.
I might not be perfect, but parts of me are fantastic right?
God willing this drug trial is a success, and those other not so cute parts of me will 'cute up' a bit more.
But don't expect the goofball mindset to ever fade, it will only brighten.
Monkey slippers for all!

'Nuff said.
Bren

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BETHALEA 4/6/2012 3:33AM

  i love your goofyness. or is that goofiness? goof-a-palooza-osity? :) sorry i've been away too long. you're always in my thoughts.

xo, b.

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ROSGETSSERIOUS 2/29/2012 3:14PM

    Wow- so happy you were selected for the trial - monkey slippers sound like fun! Do you have monkey suit PJ's - just asking! Hope the drug help.
Cheers emoticon

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SARASMILING 2/29/2012 2:35PM

    Here's hoping the trial will work! Praying for you!!

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SARASMILING 2/29/2012 2:34PM

    Here's hoping the trial will work! Praying for you!!

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CANNIE50 2/22/2012 6:39PM

    Yes, you have fantastic parts, the most fantastic being your bouyant heart and sparkling personality. I am so glad the food is good and that, even though you can't room with the others, you have had conversations with people who truly understand the daily trials and tribulations you deal with day by day, hour by hour. I am thinking of you, as always, little yogurt girl.

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SUNFLOWER4ME 2/22/2012 3:48PM

    Keep yourself busy in that igloo of yours, so the days will pass with only happy positive thoughts of monkey slippers, sugar free gum drops, unicorns, glitter, and rainbows emoticon.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MRSSCHENCK 2/22/2012 6:21AM

    I pray that this trial drug works. emoticon

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CLOVER2 2/21/2012 8:45PM

    The most fantastictist (is that a word?, it IS now!!), part of you is your enormous, wonderful, superduper heart!
I am so happy to hear that you got into the trial, and you will be in my thoughts and my prayers all the time!
My daughter is staying with me right now, she is trying to teach me about Skype, I dunno...but it sounds like it might be a very good thing for you. But remember you always have us to bore you with the details of our hohum lives!
Love you bunches!
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KAILYNSTAR 2/21/2012 5:10PM

    I think it's great that you were accepted into the study. I wish I were there with my parka on and be with you and jump on the beds. (They might kick me out though).

Of course, you can imagine strange conversations and think of us two talking them. Then SEE them looking over to our room and feel left out of the conversation!

I really, really hope that this trial helps you. There is nothing more greater a wish that I have at the moment.

Know that I am thinking of you during this time of using you as a pin cushion, (rat), emoticonand I just wish that you brought a bouncy ball with you to bounce off the walls while your waiting.

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RYDERB 2/21/2012 4:13PM

    Vampire Girls UNITE! emoticon emoticon emoticon
Hang in there Bren! I really hope they start testing the relief part of this trial on you soon. I you to be able to post a video blog, of you jumping on those beds, wearing those Monkey slippers!
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MELIBUG 2/21/2012 3:59PM

    Let me first say - I am VERY happy you are able to be part of the super secret study. Saying my prayers that it brings you some relief.

Skype is a wonderful idea for you to be part of their fun!

The monkey slippers brought me a smile! I use to have sawsquatch slippers as a teen. Let me say I have always been blessed with larger feet (tall people need skis so they don't tip over right?) My aunt thought the slippers were appropriate for me. I'm just thankful these days that they actually make more size 11 then they did in the past... I secretly think the cross dressing males helped me out in that department as the sizes and selection did expand a bit over the past 15 years.

Have a super duper day! emoticon

P.S. Snowed here last night, so will have to wait to picnic with my two-fer gift - I'll make sure my work out buddy waves while I work out - thanks!

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1HAPPYWOMAN 2/21/2012 2:52AM

    Parts of you are indeed fantastic! Ooooooooh, I hope the drug helps!!!!!!!!!

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NUMD97 2/21/2012 12:34AM

    I'm sorry to hear that you're separated from your "motley crew" of fellow participants. Since you have your laptop with you, can I assume they have theirs with them as well? Why not then create a Skype group so all of you can share your experiences together, each staying in his/her own room, but still together?

I'm finding I love Skype more and more for personal as well as business stuff. It has got to be the greatest FREE adventure known to man!

Think about it. And of course all of us that follow you in SparkLand are rooting for you every step of the way.

All the best,

Nu

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 2/20/2012 11:41PM

    The fact that you have Monkey slippers makes me love you even more!
I will be keeping my eyes that this trial gives you some relief.

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MUSICALLYMINDED 2/20/2012 9:54PM

    Show us the slippers!!

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2WHEELEDSHARON 2/20/2012 9:25PM

    I'm glad to hear the medical man hasn't gotten your Goofball down. My slippers with a duck head on the fight foot and duck butt on the left are sending a salute (don't be nervous, its a double high five type of salute;-)

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MISSLISA1973 2/20/2012 7:15PM

    I'm sorry for the pain and inconvenience you have to go through, and that even now that you have met others with your same condition, you are still separated from them. I do hope this helps! Thanks for sharing the good news about the health-nut food. Hooray!
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LGAR519 2/20/2012 6:07PM

    I'm so glad that you got in the drug trial. I hope it works for you. Good to know that your nutrition won't suffer.

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CEEG-ERRIFIC 2/20/2012 5:57PM

    Well you've totally changed my idea of what clinical trials look like. I was expecting creepy little rooms and yucky food.
Sounds like you are more of a mini vacation - if only you could share it with others. I really do hope that the trial medication helps to alleviate some of the pain you deal with every day.

And now you need to post a pic of those Monkey Slippers!

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AAAACK 2/20/2012 5:45PM

    ok, so which parts of Spark helped you with this shift from being overwhelmed by the issues and being able to relegate them to only a portion of your life? I'm asking b/c you know my issue that overwhelms me - my son. So I'd really love to know where you found your mindset shift.

As usual, you inspire me to change my own life!

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JCARDINAL 2/20/2012 5:27PM

    I could join your group! Being Irish I have very white skin, having Lupus means I can't go in the sun. My husband is Italian and very tan. He and my son say I glow in the dark. Also I have red hair so there's the cherry on top! I'm glad the food is so good and can help you stay on track. Most hospitals I've been in you can't really distinguish what they're serving you. Hang in there, I really hope this trial is what you need to corral this disease. You have to get a picture of those monkey slippers! emoticon

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He's got nice hands...

Friday, February 10, 2012

And once again I remind you to get your gray matter out of the gutter!

Guess what? I pay attention to the hands of strangers. If you and I crossed paths and I could get a good solid peek, I would probably be looking a your hands too.

The barista at the coffee joint (zoom zooming up my icy blended caffeinated stuff) has nice hands. I'm thinking that the black nail polish is some sort of a statement, but it doesn't distract me.

The wonderful check stand gal at my Trader Joe's and I often banter back and forth about the multitude of uses for freeze dried strawberries (AKA red fairy dust for my popcorn). She has no idea that while she swipes my diet Hansens pomegranate soda across the scanner, that I am admiring her efficient and pretty fingers, doing their task at hand (har har).

The ladies up the road who walk our beloved dog Olive both have tanned, tough hands. The type of hands that announce how much they love to be outdoors, and get their fingernails dirty in the garden. Hands with strength and purpose.

At my rheumatologist appointment today, the doctor was taking notes as I basically speed-talked myself to death, rattling off the ever growing checklist of prescriptions, pills, creams, and all non traditional methods I have tried to slow down my condition.
He had smooth, almond colored healthy hands, free of any blisters or wounds.

My hands were cute once. Currently, let's just say that they...aren't.
I was told when I was younger that I had piano hands more than once, and even that I should try out the violin. I guess that means that they we long and lanky? The Gwenneth Paltrow of fingers? These hands I drag around with me currently seem so foreign. I was not born with them, yet in some way, I guess I was?

Perhaps this is me of those instances where I want something that I cannot have (right now).
I know that we're not supposed to strive toward unrealistic goals. Perhaps I should heed the advice of another doctor I saw this week, who told me that it was critical for me to continue to work on altering my daily tasks to fit my worsening health.
Would that be like trashing your car because it was in a fender bender, and opting for the little moped scooter instead?
What if I want to keep the car?!?

I don't think that I deserve a time-out in the corner for wanting back what I DID have once, right? And your struggle to get back those things in your life (whether it be a goal weight, crossing the finish line of a race, even a new career!) are all justified.
I want my functioning (and cute) hands and feet back, thank you very much.

So don't mind me, staring at your hands. I guess I am a bit envious.
But don't worry, I'm not one of those people who think it perfectly acceptable to ask you to peel an orange while I video tape you.
Creepy!!!

'Nuff Said

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OOLALA53 3/12/2012 6:24PM

    Corny as it sounds, your essence cannot be lost. Your essence is not your body or your actions. Your situation can change, but your essence is eternal. Only our outer selves long for things to be different than they are. Our inner selves can be at peace just observing the storms on the outside. To your essence, your hands are perfect. However they are IS what beauty is. Everything else is just a mistake of imagination your mind is making in the moment. And everything can change. When they do, that will be perfect, too.

Don't hesitate to throw this all back in my face with a pie tin of shaving cream, if that will help! emoticon emoticon

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CATS_MEOW_0911 2/22/2012 10:34PM

    Bren, everything about you is beautiful...and this blog shows why.
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FINALLYBEINGME 2/17/2012 10:24AM

    emoticon There's something beautiful about hands - they do so much! Sorry you're going through so many health issues. It must be hard to deal with. I think you're handling it with a lot of grace *and* humor! Thanks for being a great spark friend and stay strong. There are a lot of people rooting for you. emoticon

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MRSSCHENCK 2/16/2012 10:56AM

    Bren,
You have a way of reminding us to be thankful for what we can do instead of what we can't. emoticon
I often complain about my hands. The swollen joints. The everyday pain. But I can peel an orange. And if you'd ask me to do it while you video taped it...I would. No matter how creepy. emoticon

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CLOVER2 2/14/2012 8:18AM

    My absolute best features are my hands, feet, wrists and ankles. I really have never even thought about it until I just read your message. They are slender, nicely shaped and if the rest of me followed along, I'd be hot!! Ok, maybe not so much hot, but warm, for sure! emoticon
It is those kinds of things that we take for granted. You are most definitely a gift, I thank my Lord for putting you in my life and I do and will continue to ask him to make your life sweet as it can be.
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MISSB8604 2/13/2012 1:54PM

    You are a gift!

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1HAPPYWOMAN 2/13/2012 1:23AM

    I know it's a good idea to listen to your doctor, but it's also important to listen to your gut -- which I know you do!
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2WHEELEDSHARON 2/12/2012 12:03PM

    Totally understandable! I wouldn't mind the kind of hands someone would want to video peeling an orange, but mine fall into the strength and purpose category. I've had professionals try to round out and girlie up my nails, but that just made my hands look like paddles with sausages with radioactive bubble gum hanging off the ends of them. So if you were born with lanky cuties, don't give up on them just for me! You can be jealous of the practicality of my paddles, and I'll be jealous of the natural beauty of yours:-)

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RYDERB 2/11/2012 7:33AM

    emoticon emoticon
Nuff said.

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LILLI56 2/11/2012 2:06AM

    I have always had old hands. I have very small hands that have lots of wrinkles on them. I remember the dish soap commercial when I was growing up when Marge was soaking her customers hands in them. I always wanted smooth pretty hands. I have freckles and veins on mine.

I can understand what you are saying about your doc. Keep doing the things that you enjoy just don't over do it. But you should never give up. Maybe a little black polish on your nails will give you a dash of smash?? emoticon

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AAAACK 2/11/2012 12:35AM

    Never stop hoping and wanting! And as far as cutting back on daily tasks, I can see how it's very hard to let go of something that signifies a step backward. But what if you look at it differently. Rather than trashing that car for getting in a fender bender, you're just taking some time to polish it, vacuum up the glass, and maybe give it an extra bath, yes, and an oil change. You're just caring for that car that has been such a great vehicle all these years. Not putting it out for the repo man! That cute little vehicle is still awesome, even despite the little dent in the fender, and will serve you for many more years to come with the right care. Always keep wanting that fender to get fixed, but until you can find that right body shop, make sure to take care of that sweet, sleek, otherwise reliable car.

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CANNIE50 2/10/2012 11:51PM

    Oh, sweet-pea, I want this for you, too. You deserve this, and so much more. Bless you dear Bren. emoticon

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JCARDINAL 2/10/2012 11:20PM

    I was always told I have piano hands. I thought it was because I could stretch my fingers out and make a straight line from my pinkie to my thumb. No, there is nothing wrong with wanting your cute hand and feet back. That my happen in the future if they can come up with something to help you. I'm a hand person too! emoticon

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 2/10/2012 9:57PM

    I can relate to your hand & foot fetish Bren. When I'm out I watch people walking. I am fascinated by how effortlessly some people walk. Smooth even stride. They look like they could walk forever.

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AMYELIZABETH8 2/10/2012 7:06PM

    Well, like on Seinfeld... I feel like I have 'Man Hands". Stubby, and dry at the moment! lol! I admire your courage, and humor! Wanting functioning(and cute) hands, and feet is MORE than reasonable. Take care!
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Amy

Comment edited on: 2/10/2012 7:06:56 PM

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TRENTDREAMER 2/10/2012 6:30PM

    "And once again I remind you to get your gray matter out of the gutter! "
* Seeing the title against your Fozzie bear profile pix might not allow for that.

"I'm thinking that the black nail polish is some sort of a statement, but it doesn't distract me. "
* Emo Sparkling vampires, Gothies and Adam Lambert would approve though

"My hands were cute once. Currently, let's just say that they...aren't. "
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"I don't think that I deserve a time-out in the corner for wanting back what I DID have once, right? "
* Of course not.

You are probably handling it a lot better than I. Have you looked up homeopathic or natural cures?

I needed glasses up until about 8 months ago when my doctor unprescribed them. I started eating a lot of fruits and other foods with anti-oxidants. I fought for years on that.

I admit that I really don't understand the condition that you deal with, but see if there is anything that you can do.


"But don't worry, I'm not one of those people who think it perfectly acceptable to ask you to peel an orange while I video tape you.
Creepy!!! "
* Oh, so now you're judging me uh....I mean, Yeah! Hypothetically if someone did that it would be creepy.

(*whew* That was close)

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KAYECAN 2/10/2012 6:30PM

    Like Forrest Gump says "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you'll get". Sorry you got the bad chocolate, but there are lots of other chocolates in the box and I bet you have alot of them and I bet as you are looking at other people's hands, they are looking at what makes you such a sparkly person. Keep Sparkling!!!
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LGAR519 2/10/2012 6:20PM

    I think it is wonderful that you haven't given up on your health. Wanting normal hands and feet is acceptable. And I believe in miracles! Never give up!!!

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Second Floor Please...

Friday, February 03, 2012

Some people refer to their memory as a vault; capable of retaining important information for decades, ready to be neatly opened to reveal valuable information like some sort of certificate.
They can remember key points of a speech someone gave in the past, or what time that ridiculous train arrives into Boston if it left the New York train station 3 hours earlier at maximum speed (ugghhhhh, somebody kill me!).

I remember the odd, useless stuff. I can tell you what color of socks you were wearing when I ran into you on the street 3 years ago, and likely what color they were the time before that (yes, really). If I noticed you picking the olives out of your enchilada dinner and pushing them into a little pile on your plate (looking like a stack of Hot Wheels tires), then I will forever remember to keep olives far far away from you. I cannot seem to forget my Junior high locker combination from 20+ years ago (18-36-24), no matter how hard I want to let it go.

My memory seems more like an elevator, not a vault.

I would like to think that we all want to excel in life, or get to the next level. At least out of the lobby area, right?
Come take a ride with me...

'Second floor please'

I read articles and books about how to better myself a times. I often try to apply that to my life:
Being confident in my work skills, and how to effectively ask for a raise (I can impress you).
How to stay engaged in a conversation and keep eye contact with someone while speaking to them (I want to show you respect).
How to make a savory chicken soup by not only reading the recipe, but feeling talented enough to color outside of the recipe lines a bit (I want to nourish you).

But when it comes to my behavior when I am in pain, no matter how much I read, I don't retain enough of the necessary tools for that critical moment. When my bodily pain starts to creak and moan and squeeze out all positive feelings from mere moments earlier, I seem lost.

The elevator in my mind has then slammed the shiny steel doors and sent the car to 'P' (Parking level), and for the life of me, I cannot remember where I parked my memory!!!

And then there is my denial about it: "what the heck?! I pushed the 5th floor, NOT 'P'! Who's driving this thing anyway???"

We all start off at the Lobby Level in life, right? No one wants to go below that floor. There's NOTHING fun at the 'B' level (Basement), trust me. I'm well aware (after many years of stubbornness and denial), that I cannot expect to graduate to the higher levels of life (err, floors), by attempting to skip over important steps. Nope, not even if you pry open that emergency door hatch in the elevator car, trying to scramble out and up a few floors on your own (believe me, I have tried).

I can try to blame the switchboard all I want to, but it is not faulty wiring. The used piece of gum smooshed into the 'Open Door' button is not to blame. Do you want to know why? Because I keep pushing the 'B' (Basement) button with my eyes closed, SO SURE that I am pressing '2' the whole time, and expecting to move upward in my life.
Insanity is exhibiting the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results right? Ouch. So true...

I know what I need to do, and I am certain that you know what you need to do in life as well. The fine details are individual, sure, but the framework is the same:
Set some goals
Devise a solid plan
Get a support team lined up and USE it
Slap on some tunnel vision
Create a back up plan
Add some grace for the inevitable hiccups along the way
(perhaps a bumper sticker for some laughs).

I can't cry all of the time as a result of my pain, and I can't blame anyone for it (unless that elevator door has closed on my fingers, and then it is sooooooo your fault!! Yowsers!).
In all reality, my health will continue to get worse, and my well of tears will dry up at this pace (and snot is not cute).

I can however, acknowledge that my ailments are mean and nasty, but NOT react in a way that is mean and nasty to my body. I can stop pretending that I don't need to listen my pain when it calls on me to pull that red Emergency Stop button.

I am so thankful for those of you on this ride with me. I appreciate your advice, your virtual shoulder, and those thumps in the head when I need it.

Don't worry, I won't push the 'Close Door' button on you as you gallup toward the elevator car, headed to higher floors of satisfaction in health and in life. I need you there with me!

Besides, it's WAY more fun to jump in the air just before the elevator car comes to a stop with someone next to you, right?

'Nuff said...


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BETHALEA 4/6/2012 3:40AM

  you know... i used to think that *I* was the writer...

remember that time we went to the Magic Castle and I River Danced in those ridiculous shoes on the hardwood floor?

i remember jumping with you in elevators.

i love you.

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FROSTIERACES 2/11/2012 5:50PM

    Wow inspiring blog! I'm wondering if I'm on the numb me floor..no more emotional pain please. I don't like the basement either and frankly I don't even like elevators! I had one crash in my office building...luckily no one was hurt! But the day prior to it crashing people were stuck inside the very same elevator. Alas your blog isn't really about that tho! LOL I hope you continue to thrive and feel great! You look fabulous and I love your energy in your blog!

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SUNFLOWER4ME 2/10/2012 1:44PM

    I'll ride that elevator with you, missy. But for now, here are a few ways to make the elevator ride more...enjoyable..or maybe, interesting for yourself and all those onboard emoticon

1.Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off
2.MEOW occasionally
3.Say “DING” at each floor
4.Make explosion noises each time someone pushes a button
5.When there is only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder then pretend it wasn’t you
6.Call out GROUP HUGGGG!!! Then enforce it.
7.Shake everyone’s hand who enters and ask them to call you "Admiral"
8.Drop a pen, wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream “That’s mine!!”

So what do you say?? emoticon

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FINALLYBEINGME 2/9/2012 3:04PM

    Loved this! emoticon

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KAILYNSTAR 2/9/2012 12:25PM

    So know the details of remembering what people are wearing, saying, looking like when I see them.

Brain stops working when I have to remember their NAME. No, really. I for the life of me, cannot remember people's names after I have been introduced to them. (It's amazing I remember my kids names.) emoticon Sometimes I start saying one of their names, realizing that I'm saying the wrong name and end up saying, "Hey YOU, Fred, George, Ginger! Get over here!" emoticon emoticon

It's okay, they seem to understand. They actually giggle at me and roll their eyes and think of me as hopeless. emoticon

The point is, is that a person learns what and how other people react. They learn to understand a person's shortcomings and then, if they are mature, forgiving and understanding...they become the wonderful shoulders that a person can use....when you need to.

I have two shoulders Bren. I'll let you lean on the good one.

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MRSSCHENCK 2/8/2012 8:39PM

    Wow Bren. This blog touched a soft spot in my heart. emoticon emoticon

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CANNIE50 2/8/2012 4:16PM

    Well, my only excuse for not getting here sooner is that no one held the elevator door for me so I had to take the stairs - excuse my sweating and my panting (I know you will). Oh, doll, I wish I could take some of the pain away. I know what you mean about forgetting everything, when we are in pain (physical and emotional). It is baffling, isn't it? When we need our coping skills most, they seem to dessert us (which is when eating dessert seems like a coping skill) Keep writing, keep fighting, keep your friends in mind. emoticon emoticon

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MILLIE5522 2/7/2012 3:47PM

    Oscar Wilde said " We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars" Well if I have understood you I would say that you are definitely looking at the stars even if its from the basement! I am blessed to have met you Bren emoticon

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TRENTDREAMER 2/6/2012 4:35PM

    "I am so thankful for those of you on this ride with me. I appreciate your advice, your virtual shoulder, and those thumps in the head when I need it. "
* And we you/yours

"Besides, it's WAY more fun to jump in the air just before the elevator car comes to a stop with someone next to you, right? "
* :)

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MISSB8604 2/6/2012 1:26PM

    Girl, you are simply wonderful.

My favorite part:
"I can however, acknowledge that my ailments are mean and nasty, but NOT react in a way that is mean and nasty to my body. I can stop pretending that I don't need to listen my pain when it calls on me to pull that red Emergency Stop button."

In other words, stop complaining and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Thank you.

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EVERSTEPH 2/5/2012 5:10PM

    Speechless. Bren, I'm glad to have "met" you so that I can say I've known someone as courageous, remarkable, and witty as you. It's easy to forget all the wonderful things life has to offer and your stories always remind me how that no matter hard it gets, I can suck it up, rock it, and move on in a positive way. You are awesome.

Xoxo,
Steph

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NUMD97 2/5/2012 1:43AM

    This latest addition to your collection (soon to be book, I hope!), left me quiet (and if you know me, that's no mean feat!) and reflective.

Piece by piece, blog by blog, hints along the way, we are seeing who you are as a person, unfold. Maintaining a respectful distance, not wanting to invade your privacy, I have seen the person you are, revealed.

This is what I have learned so far:

You work. [So glad to see that!]

You exercise. [Accruing mega-minutes there!]

You love deeply. [Saw that in how much you were willing to sacrifice to please your neighbors over their Thanksgiving dinner.]

You are loved. [Not only by the people in your external world, but in this one as well. One of your fans implored me to tell you what I had shared with her about your gifts. I told her that I already did.]

You are generous with a giving spirit. [In spite of all that you are experiencing, you still take the time to visit someone's page, to leave a goofy comment or an "attagirl!" or a goodie, to cheer someone on in their own quest for better health.]

And probably above all, from our own selfish vantage point, you leave us all humbled, with your indomitable spirit. I sit here now in awe of you. And always reading the comments on your blogs, I see that many share what I see.

I realize, of course, that a lot done on SP is really for ourselves, but no matter. I just want to take this opportunity to thank you ever so much for sharing (at least, in part) your life with us.

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SHERRIE_BERRY 2/5/2012 12:00AM

    Hey Bren, do you think you could come to the "B" level, I'm stuck there...seriously! I so want to come up to the Lobby, just to get back to where I was, but alas I just cannot seem to get there. It's gloomy and grey and it smells like pee down here, but I'm stuck!

You're words were like the beeping of floors, as the elevator rises and opens the door to let those with the strength to move upward, on my psyche...like they were written just for me! I can hear them but I just cannot be in the car as it rides up the shaft...I hear it beep as more people join me in this abyss...as we suffer alone, individually with no strength to move to a higher level.

I'm stuck!
Hugs

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JCARDINAL 2/4/2012 1:01PM

    Like Marki said, remember we're in that elevator with you. Any time you need us we're their for you with a tissue to wipe up a little of that snot. I have a feeling this trial will be a blessing for you and that elevator is going to be headed to the penthouse!! emoticon

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AAAACK 2/4/2012 12:24AM

    Maybe we can decorate the basement a little? I'll help!
Internet spotty in cabin, but will try to get more Sparking done before bed!
Miss ya. Thanks for the blog, and as always, thanks for sharing your journey.

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1HAPPYWOMAN 2/3/2012 11:49PM

    It's natural that you forget your coping skills when pain hits. Pain takes us all back to being babies, unable to think logically. Pain makes us into reactive, squirmy little critters. The fact that you write these amazing blogs, and stay true to your funny, kind, thoughtful self is a miracle, considering what you deal with.
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MUSICALLYMINDED 2/3/2012 8:28PM

    emoticon

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2WHEELEDSHARON 2/3/2012 8:25PM

    Oh Bren, you are a gift! I'm glad you won't close the door on us, that's my biggest concern when people reach out, pull back, give up...
The elevator dropped me all the way to the basement last summer, I crashed hard, and I couldn't believe how willing and able my friends (Spark and otherwise) were to help pick the elevator up with their bare hands. Now I go back and forth between the first and second floors, but they're still carrying me around, and they do it with way more patience than I give myself. That just proves you're all smarter than me, and I love hanging out with people smarter than me! I'll subscribe to anything that makes pain easier. I hope you do too, you deserve lots of ease and love!

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LGAR519 2/3/2012 8:17PM

    I love you. And praying for a cure. Hang in there. God loves you too.

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ARLENE_MOVES 2/3/2012 7:44PM

    A beautiful post. You are awesome!

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RYDERB 2/3/2012 6:49PM

    Bren, you are a ROCKSTAR! You are one of the MOST courageous people i know. What you deal with EVERY day, would cripple most people, and leave us laying in a puddle of tears and snot. But somehow you manage to only shed a few tears at a time, and then find a way to make the rest of us smile.
All I can do is tell you I LOVE you. I'm here! I'm riding that elevator with you! When you find yourself pushing B, I'll do my best to keep you from stepping off. if you end up trampling past me, I'll be holding the door open to make sure you don't get stuck down there.
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Comment edited on: 2/3/2012 7:14:22 PM

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 2/3/2012 6:39PM

    Loved it Bren, you are awesome!
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DEBBIEOLMOS57 2/3/2012 6:25PM

    emoticon

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