JITZUROE   97,948
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JITZUROE's Recent Blog Entries

Is this a test? Because I don't know the answers...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I am happy to say that I have learned a lot from my short time on Spark. I have been absorbing and sharing insight with other Sparkers on how to get out of my emotional eating patterns (that I have created). I am better educated on how to work out more effectively to lose the weight (that I have gained), and have built some healthy supportive Sparkly shiny friendships to cheer each other on in this journey.
But how am I supposed to take criticism from my spouse about my healthier lifestyle?

"I liked you just the way you were".
"You're curvy, and it's nice"
"I'm not sure if I like where this weight loss is heading..."

I didn't know how to reply to those statements. Was this a test? Since I would surely fail.
I felt like a 4th grader put in front of the classroom who didn't study, and therefore failed - Lose 1 point...
Was I supposed to reply? I wasn't sure. There's an awkward silence now- Lose 1 point...
My insides want to boil over like too much soda in too small of a glass. I'm upset and my time is up - Lose 1 more point...

I wanted to remind him that I have been unhappy and unhealthy for a while, and no doubt taking that out on him at times. I should have reminded him how supportive he was during my countless failed attempts in the past. So now that I am DOING instead of attempting, he's not on board anymore?

Later, I let his comments roll off my conscience since I knew that the burden was not healthy, and would likely trigger some emotional eating - Gain 1 point...
I made sure to be open for another opportunity to have a good conversation and restate my goals, ultimately benefitting our relationship - Gain 1 point...
I have made extra effort to reinforce my love for him each day. I will not repay fear and insecurity with the same actions - Gain 1 point...
I will stay focused on the prize; become healthier, be more calm in stressful times, rejoice in happy times, be more loving all the time - Gain 1 point...

I WILL pass this test when it comes around again (and it will). Life is full of them.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKYWATCHERRS 7/13/2011 4:31PM

    Maybe he's scared that you'll be so awesome when you've reached your goal that he'll kind of be left behind? Maybe he's unsure that you will still love him when you are fit and fabulous?

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WINACHST 7/13/2011 8:08AM

    Wouldn't it great if we had all the answers and knew exactly how to respond in every situation. I know that for me, when I first got on Spark People, I had a tendency to spend a lot of time on the sight; it is so easy to lose track of time that I had to learn to limit the time I spend on the sight or before I knew it the day was almost gone.

Great job in responding the way you did. I think you passed this test. emoticon

Oh, and congrats on being able to wear 2 shoes!!!!!

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CANNIE50 7/12/2011 9:27PM

    Oh, the tests - life IS full of them, right? I think you did very well. It is often a little scary for one spouse when the other changes. I like the approach of being loving and reassuring. I know for me, I want to know that what I think MATTERS to my husband. You married a good man so that is more than half the battle, right there. emoticon

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The Hamster Wheel Abuser

Thursday, July 07, 2011

I had a moment of clarity recently, and am now seeking to change my ways.
I am a runner, or, I was until this foot injury months ago (Good Lord has it really been since April?).
You see, my foot started to hurt out of the blue, so I went to the podiatrist. I had 2 separate bone fractures and was ordered to wear the big black boot you can see on my Spark Page for 12 weeks. Count 'em, 12...
I also had to use some bone regenerator machine to nudge my bones into healing faster, since my system is already compromised by a rare disease that I have.

Oh the thoughts that came at me from all angles were incessant.
How would I get my long runs in? What on earth can I do now to work out?
That doc is just being conservative. Surely I can at least do the elliptical right? Umm...no.
Have you ever tried to ride a stationary bike with a massive foot brace? Well I did. Not pretty.

I even had to sleep with the Bertha Boot for the first 4 weeks. Let me just say, you know that line about when the woman of the house is not happy, no one is happy? It's true.
I even went through the 8 stages of grief, I swear.

I didn't know how I had hurt my foot either. I used to joke that I needed a good story to tell people who inquired about my Bertha Boot. "How did it happen?" someone would ask. "I was running with the bulls in Pamplona" I would reply. The best story yet was that I hurt it while drop kicking toasters (ha!).
Although I had no injury to claim, and yes my body is considered a bit more fragile than others due to my disease, I am now certain that I did this to myself.

I would only run 3 days a week on the treadmill and do Insanity dvd workouts on the other days, so it seemed balanced. But it was the duration of those runs and the mindset behind the hours pounding on that hamster wheel that made me realize I had turned something beautiful into and ugly thing.

With the TV on a news channel as I spun that treadmill wheel, I would later tell my friend, "ask me the weather forecast anywhere in the country. Go on, I dare you!" It seemed funny at the time.
But I would usually run between 13-16 miles on my long runs, and I wasn't training for anything.
I was trying to un-do the damage I had caused by stuffing my face the night(s) prior.
Somehow I had twisted my runs into a caloric depletion mechanism and made my bingeing on junk food OK. How could I turn something so wonderful into an unhealthy obsession?
It hit me like a brick as I looked down at Bertha. This was not good. Not at all.

You can't fix things backwards. I needed to change to behavior behind it.

Since I joined Spark, I have been working day to day to improve my eating choices; my 'relationship with food', as they say. I guess that food and I were really tight for a while, but in an abusive way. If you've ever been in a controlling relationship you might understand that feeling. I had not only been damaging my body and spirit by allowing myself to behave this way, but also injuring my marriage at times by being too hard on myself, directing my blame on him.

So as much as I hated the foot brace and wanted to wear those 2 running shoes, I am now actually thankful for this time, since I can see the true cause of those fractures. Fractures in my spirit if you will, and how I needed emotional (and physical) healing.

I can't wait to get my body moving more and leap into cardio workouts once I get the green light from the doc. But I don't think I will jump back onto that hamster wheel for a bit. I need to re-learn some things; do some mental re-wiring.
And be grateful for this journey, without the spinning tread beneath my feet.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WINACHST 7/11/2011 8:31AM

    Great Blog! I can relate to feeling the need to exercise more to negate calories that I have eaten. This week I was given orders by the doctor that I needed to take it easy this week, meaning no running for me. MY first thought was I really need to watch what I eat because it is the running that keeps my weight down.

I am glad that you are able to see the positive in your injury and are going to be stronger (mentally and physically) when you are able to start the cardio routines again.

Best wishes to you.

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RYDERB 7/8/2011 2:48AM

    Wow! I'm so touched by this blog! I'm glad that your fractured spirit is healing. "We are stronger in the places we were broken." is one of Jillian Michaels motivational lines. I believe and hope for that everyday.

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JENNSWIMS 7/7/2011 9:30PM

    What a great blog! There are days when I find myself wanting to exercise more and more and more... not to get healthier or so I can run a 5k, but so I can eat more. Twisted thinking indeed, and I appreciate you talking about it so openly.

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CANNIE50 7/7/2011 9:00PM

    I am very moved by this blog. Several of the lines really hit me. I love that you are now rethinking your relationship with exercise (as well as to food). I have said for years that I exercise to get stronger, to battle off depression, to spend time with friends. I don't think of it in a cash register way - calories consumed, calories burned. I have never gotten thinner through exercise, though it does seem to keep a bit of weight at bay but when I was binging I would have had to work out like Michael Phelps to burn off a binge. I think of exercise as an expression of gratitude, rather than penance for gluttony. I wish this for you - it brings more joy and less pain. You are really finding your wisdom and grace - they are the two biggest benefits of aging (though I still say you are a mere child, relatively speaking) . You are making amazing strides and I could not be happier for you - you deserve only the best.

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The Change (no, not puberty)

Monday, July 04, 2011

An elderly couple walked past my husband and I as we were waiting for one of my many doctor appointments this past week. They looked to be about in their 80's. I swear they were the same height, about 5' tall. She had a scarf over her hair, and he had a hat on. The woman in a skirt and blouse, the man had a suit on. Both were wearing huge Reebok sneakers, shuffling by, linked arm in arm. They took 2 laps around the block in front of us. It was beautiful.

I look in adoration at couples who have been together for decades and are still happy. Key words: still happy. I often wonder if each feel that their partner has changed, and as a result, their relationship was even better. Was she slim and perhaps a a knock out beauty years ago? Did she ever struggle with her image? With her weight? Was he supportive of her efforts; loving her regardless?

In the past I know I have been told in a heated argument, "you've changed" when I might not feel the same way about something anymore. My husband and I used to stay up late and then sleep until lunchtime the next day in our courting period. Somehow I morphed into a morning person. I was never into running, but decided to start 8 years ago. Not sure how that happened, but there it is.

Aren't we supposed to change? Was I supposed to retain the naiveté about the all of the things I did when I was married at 24? Should I whip out the canned veggies, ranch dressing and shake n' bake tub to make tonights dinner since this was what I considered a gourmet meal as a new bride?

People mature. Taste buds evolve. What once required American cheese to constantly reside in my dairy shelf now has real cheddar (light of course), and the cupboards are no longer stocked with sleeves of chips a'hoy cookies and fruity pebbles for that afternoon snack.

Educating myself with tid bits about health has encouraged me to keep healthier options for well, everything in my home. From sunflower seeds to SPF 30, I want to lengthen our years as healthier people, and not retain the same summertime behavior as I did years ago (too many cocktails by the pool and baby oil - eeks!)

I think that the evolution of my marriage was first met with strong resistance. Some people don't like change, but how else does one grow?
Growth in relationships with spouses, friends, strangers, even how we relate to food shows growth within ourselves.

After all, I speak for myself personally when I say that my relationship with food needs desperately to grow and mature, far from the adolescent behavior I have had with it for too many years. How else did I gain so much weight? How else will I attain my goal in the long term if I don't change?

How many times have you ruined an otherwise nice evening since you felt bad about yourself, and then dragged your significant other over the coals for it? I've got my hand held high here. That's definitely something that needs to change.
When (and I do mean when) I do change my behavior around food, I know I will be better (and lighter) for it. That healthier relationship is something I have struggled with (and lost to) for years, but I know it will transform other areas of my life, my weight, and my marriage for the better.

As I drink my tea and type away, I can see that little note on my Yogi tea which says, "Realize that the other person is you".
Got it.

Now where do I order 2 pair of oversized Reeboks???


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RYDERB 7/6/2011 12:47AM

    Your blog reminded me of this quote…
"We generally change ourselves for one of two reasons; inspiration or desperation. If you don't like where you are, change it! You're not a tree. "
- Jim Rohn

The old couple you described could have been my parents. They've changed a lot over my lifetime, but they did it holding hands. The first "fight" I ever had with my husband, was over Bologna emoticon I bought "low fat" and flipped out! Today, we were grocery shopping and he just started laughing. I looked to see what was so funny and realized we were passing the Bologna. It's been over 14 years since he's touched the stuff. We've definitely changed! Thanks for giving me a little more inspiration to keep changing for the better!

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NUMD97 7/4/2011 4:22PM

    This was very sweet. Nicely written. Thanks.

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JENNSWIMS 7/4/2011 3:35PM

    Awesome. I tell my husband that I want to grow old together, not go to a nursing home together. :)

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GENELDABELDA 7/4/2011 12:37PM

    thanks so much for your blog. At first, I thought you were going to be talking about hot flashes but I was pleasantly surprised. I can totallly relate. A year and a half ago my husband got serious about improving his health. He lost over 100 pounds by exercising and changing his diet big time. I could hardly get excited for him because I felt so insecure about being left behind, and it really hurt him.

Now its my turn, and this change feels good. And yet it is something you have to do yourself. My spouse changing did change our relationship but it didn't change me. Only I can do that...and it feels good to be able to say, "I am!"

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CANNIE50 7/4/2011 12:07PM

    I love the images, and I can relate to so much of what you say in this blog. As you well know, I have been having "food fights" with my husband for our entire 20 years together. It has gotten so much better, based on him seeing that I was actually serious about "cleaning up my act" rather than just me waiting for him to change to make things easier on me. Yes, my hand is held high as well, for spoiling an evening based on my own failings. I am happy to say it happens much less often, now.

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"8-10 pair of jeans, really?" He asked.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Yep, and I need EVERY SINGLE PAIR baby!

Tell me I am not alone. I have at least 8 pair of jeans currently. Actually, even though some might rotate in and out of that stack (acid wash, zippers, etc.), I think I have always had about 8-10 pair of jeans.

Have I become some chipmunk of denim, and my closet is the knot hole in the tree, waiting for winter?

I really do think I have a pair for every occasion.
Need help painting your room? I've got a beat up pair that are so stretched out that I can actually breathe AND paint, which is useful.
Going to a cute-but-casual event? Darker washed longer jeans so I can wear heels. By the way, what is cute-but-casual anyway?
If there is a work related event that is considered casual, I have a rarely worn pair of jeans with a waistline that would not dare threaten to show my bum cleavage (embarrassing!)
Then there are two pair of the exact same size/length of jeans, that seem to be an oddity. One pair is comfortable, and the other is too big and too short in length (???), but I can't remember which one's which, so I have them both...
Waaaay at the bottom is the pair of jeans that I hope I never fit into again, since they were bought when I was at my highest weight. These are a reminder to me.
I think we all hold onto a pair of jeans that there is just no way possible in the physical universe that they will ever fit again. You know, that pair from college or even high school, but for some reason you cannot get rid of?

Lastly, I'll bet you have that pair you really really want to wear soon. The goal weight jeans. They were not cheap, the color is spot on gorgeous, and you use them as a good gauge to see how you are doing with your new lifestyle. Those would be the 'holy grail' pair.
I hang those puppies right on my closet door as a reminder to keep up the hard work.

Maybe I won't need all those jeans in my closet, but for now, let's just call them my blue cotton dyed security blanket, OK?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RYDERB 6/30/2011 6:31PM

    Definitely not 8-10, I only have 2, that I currently wear, let's face it, I've always been a dress girl. But I do have that perfect pair, in each size my body has EVER been, hanging in the back of my closet, and 1 pair that I bought too small, and have NEVER worn. When I can zip those, I'll be dancing all night! emoticon

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WINACHST 6/30/2011 8:13AM

    I don't even know how many pairs I own and yes, that old beat up pair is great for working out in the yard when I know I am going to get all dirty and muddy. For me, my old "fat jeans" are my workin' jeans - boy do I feel skinny as I am working. emoticon

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TUBLADY 6/29/2011 12:18AM

    Back in the day of my Calvin's I had a lot of jeans. Then I got to fat. I don't like the way jeans fit on larger people.
I think you should have a good shape to ware jeans. That's just me.
But when I went from a size 4 X,( no jeans ) to a normal size 16 I got a pair. Since then I have got a pair of 14, 12 and now I am a 10. Going to get a 8 in a few months.
My daughter gave me a designer pair size 6. I have those as the ultimate jeans that I would like to ware. I try them on ever so often, can't get them over my hips yet. But maybe one day the miracle will happen. And I will put on my red high heels and style like I am the hot, hot, so hot..
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANIMATED71 6/28/2011 11:40PM

    I own too many pairs to name. Of course I have 2 favorites that make me feel smaller than I am, and ones that look great with boots and heels..so yeah, he is nuts and you are 100% correct.
And I can't wait to get into my Holy Grail pair as well, it will happen soon.

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CANNIE50 6/28/2011 10:27PM

    No, I am sorely lacking in the jeans dept but I am planning on remedying that, soon. My husband has quite a collection of Levi's and I don't mind one bit because that is one of the reasons I fell in love with him - I saw him in Levi's emoticon

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AGRLNKY 6/28/2011 9:30PM

    LOL! I only have one pair at a time but I think I'm the weird one. Great blog!

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A Healthy Lifestyle Is Like Breaking In A New Bra...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Hear me out here...
Both look fantastic at first, but of course there is work involved.

Girls, we all know that when we bring home that perfect bra on that teeny plastic hangar, it STILL needs to be properly broken in to be given that "perfect bra" title, right?
Moreover, sticking to a new regime of eating good, healthy food and breaking a sweat with tough workouts can be work at first too.

My new healthy lifestyle plan and new bra share some other characteristics:

Both can be uncomfortable at times (i.e. birthday parties with my brain screaming, BIRTHDAY CAKE!, and that undergarment beneath your outfit that you wore to that party).
Both can poke at times and be unruly (no need to explain).
Both can seem pricy, but well worth the $ spent in the long run.

Now let's look at the similarities just for kicks:

Slips occasionally until you get the right fit
It lifts! It shapes! It makes you look flattering in anything!
It's breathable fabric will hug you.

Slips occasionally with consistency in both food and workouts.
WILL lift that toosh. My body WILL gain new shape, and look flattering in anything.
My clothes will hug me less...

Now let's be honest, the whirly gigs that we sometimes buy into like shiny pedometers and florescent music headphones might not physically make us stronger in the gym or on the trail, but those satin bows and perfect powder pink color of a bra doesn't make supporting your breasts any more efficient.
It's the mental aspect of these things that make us feel just that bit more 'put together' in life, don't they?
And it's worth the work!

Thank goodness my lifestyle changes can't be ruined as quickly as accidentally throwing that new bra in the dryer - AUGH!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RYDERB 6/23/2011 2:35PM

    I LOVED this blog! It's so true it's perfect! It's would have never occurred to me to even compare the two! Nothing makes me feel better, and look better than the perfect bra, and living this healthy lifestyle! emoticon emoticon

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CANNIE50 6/22/2011 11:31PM

    My perfect bra is actually pink, but it is a sports bra. How's that for tying your analogy together? You are welcome. It is the perfect bra because it has a lining which creates the perfect spot for stashing things but I have to be careful because I tend to "overpack" and get a little carried away and before long it is like Mary Poppin's bag - tissues, money, lip gloss, etc etc etc - the last 5k race I did I told my running partner I felt like I was running a "3 boob-ed race" because I had so much stuff crammed into my favorite pink sports bra. I am still breaking in my healthier lifestyle and since I have another party to attend (which will no doubt feature cupcakes, my cryptonite) I will be faced with some very uncomfortable moments. Uncomfortable short-term tends to lead to comfort in the long run - sort of like making myself go to the mall and shop for new bras (uncomfortable) so that I can wear comfortable bras where underwires don't unexpectedly break loose of fabric and poke me - ouch. emoticon

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