JITZUROE   92,010
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Did you know that Vampires wear Axe cologne spray?

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Well, that's what I think that scent was anyway. Every time I feel the soreness in my neck, I tell myself that I was in a mythical world recently, and a cleanly shaven, pasty-pale, rail-thin vampire was simply introducing himself to me. We all know that vampires don't shake hands, right? : )

My nerve procedure last week went pretty well, or at least I think it did. I am supposed to see some results in a week or two (I hope). I am extremely impatient, so this is a tough one for me. I lost a lot of the use of my right hand this past October, and it has been holding out for better things until now, I guess.
As for the actual vampire hand shake last Thursday, that only took about 30 minutes. We checked in before 9:00 a.m., and were home by lunch time.

Before we headed out that morning, I was looking for my Pain Center outfit. I actually have a specific pair of yoga pants, soft T-shirt, and wire-free undergarments set aside for my procedures. I have learned the hard way that zippers and buttons are not my friends while trying to set the world record for speed-changing - from behind the thinly veiled privacy curtain around my bed - all with the nurses and my husband exchange small talk about me (while standing 6 inches from me). I was looking for my monkey slippers and saw something in my closet. It was a shiny formal purse. Ladies, this question is for you. Don't we all have at least one fancy schmancy purse, meant to be brought somewhere wonderful like a nice dinner or to see a play? Well, I don't know about you, but I haven't gone to any place that demands extra rhinestones and an unflexible (and flammable) hairstyle for years. I thought it was about time to get some mileage on this purse!
I put my wallet, cell phone and chapstick into what was now a new part of my pain center outfit, and we were off. Come on now, you can't tell me that my evening bag doesn't scream fashionista, while sporting that uber attractive hospital gown (opening in the back please!), right??? Thought so....



Since my Erythromelalgia keeps me running hot all the time, I packed a real live Spark Goodie from a spark friend, and used it often before my sterile 'limo' cruised down the corridor to the procedure room.



I've decided that the next time I do this, that I will let them put me out. I didn't really think it would hurt that much, since I was used to the other nerve pain procedures via my back. Sometimes ignorance is bliss! The anesthesiologist kept asking me if I wanted the local, but I would just flash a ridiculous smile and decline. Maybe it was the gold bag...

Once everything was set up, with my head cupped in a strange salad bowl-like thing, and blue paper covering most of my face, doctor #1 turned on some Norah Jones, and started on my neck.
I felt like I was underneath a giant plastic coated metal spider while on that table. It was stressed often to me how important it was that I not move. So, I ended up whimpering a lot (yowsers it hurt!), but nope, I did not move. It felt like the two doctors were kneading pizza dough inside of my neck, and it was a bit noisy (yuck!). Once it was done, I felt like I had a smurf in my neck, and my voice was raspy. My neck was very tender later, so my DH was not able to get the pen marks off of my neck until the next day. He did get most of the iodine off though, so at least I didn't look like I had a strange encounter with a spray tan canister! The smurf and the rasp remained for a few days, but as of today, my voice is almost completely back.



My body may not be 100% anymore, but it is still amazing to see how much better I feel only 3 days later. Yay body!

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and well wishes. I know that all of the prayers and virtual hugs kept my spirits high. I'll be scheduling another vampire nibble in the next few weeks (hrrrumph!). While I am not particularly excited about it, I am eager to see if this helps lift some of the iron blanket of pain off of my world, even just long enough to officially take my gold formal purse out for a real meal with my husband.
I'm not picky. We could be eating chicken hot dogs and baked potatoes for all I care, but that silly formal bag is coming!


'Nuff Said

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRENTDREAMER 5/5/2012 9:09AM

    "We all know that vampires don't shake hands, right? : ) "
* No, now they perm and fuss with their hair, sparkle, and act all emo. They used to terrorize, bite, suck blood from and kill people. Now they are high-contrast "complicated" french poodles. I know this to be true (I almost turned into one back in late 2010.)

- http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p
ublic_journal_individual.asp?bl
og_id=3607586

If you want a real vampire (or good facsimile thereof), I've got two words for you: "Fright Night"


"I am extremely impatient, so this is a tough one for me. I lost a lot of the use of my right hand this past October, and it has been holding out for better things until now, I guess. "
* As always, I really hope that things get good for you in this area.


"Ladies, this question is for you. Don't we all have at least one fancy schmancy purse, meant to be brought somewhere wonderful like a nice dinner or to see a play?"
* I think that's in chapter one or two of the Ladies Handbook. If not in the formal job description, it's implied in spirit. Stacey and Clinton would agree with you, either way.


"Come on now, you can't tell me that my evening bag doesn't scream fashionista, while sporting that uber attractive hospital gown (opening in the back please!), right??? Thought so.... "
* The bag is cute.


"It felt like the two doctors were kneading pizza dough inside of my neck, and it was a bit noisy (yuck!). Once it was done, I felt like I had a smurf in my neck, "
* Ouch!


"The smurf and the rasp remained for a few days, but as of today, my voice is almost completely back. "
* Hope for continued recovery.


"My body may not be 100% anymore, but it is still amazing to see how much better I feel only 3 days later. Yay body! "
* Yay indeed.

"Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and well wishes. I know that all of the prayers and virtual hugs kept my spirits high. I'll be scheduling another vampire nibble in the next few weeks (hrrrumph!). While I am not particularly excited about it, I am eager to see if this helps lift some of the iron blanket of pain off of my world, even just long enough to officially take my gold formal purse out for a real meal with my husband. "
* Sorry I haven't been there as much for you. Good use of "hrrrumph!" my Anglican ancestry is positively giddy, I'm sure. I hope for all that you look forward to.

"We could be eating chicken hot dogs and baked potatoes for all I care, but that silly formal bag is coming! "
* :D Graduatin' from Go U!


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SMBRYCE1 5/3/2012 6:14PM

    you go! I'm all for the monkey slippers and whatever else feels right for the procedures you're going through. Maybe next vampire bite you would consider the local? Sounds like it might help it be a less difficult process. And then you can regale us all with descriptions of what it's like to have a numb neck

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 5/3/2012 9:46AM

    emoticon

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TIME4CARRI 5/3/2012 12:32AM

    You are an inspiration! Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I hope you feel better. emoticon

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RYDERB 5/3/2012 12:12AM

    Fancy sparkly bag, red lipstick, and monkey slippers!!! You're definitely a trend setter! We all would be lucky to have just a little of the grace, strength, and humor you use to face the world each day. Thank you for sharing. You reminded me again today, why you're my hero.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CLOVER2 5/2/2012 8:50PM

    I love your purse! Ummm...it does look a bit like you and Edward Cullen had a one on one there, but I am so hoping that it works like you want it to!
I don't know that I would be so brave, I'm the type who starts screaming for drugs and needles with oodles of novacaine when I do something as simple a walk into the dentist's office! Although you are one of the bravest people I have ever "met"! And funny, and beautiful, and smart....you got a lot of moxy, girl!
Feel better soon, I'll be keeping you in my prayers!
emoticon

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MISSB8604 5/1/2012 6:20PM

    You are the greatest girl. I have no words for your courage.

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CTUPTON 5/1/2012 8:20AM

    Praying for your comfort and peace. Love the fashionista statement purse! Chris

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SARASMILING 5/1/2012 6:07AM

    Oh, I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm so sorry you were hurting. I hope the procedure works and you'll be feeling better soon.
emoticon emoticon

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SUNFLOWER4ME 5/1/2012 5:41AM

    You are so strong. You are so sweet in that sugar free, not feeling guilty kind of way emoticon . You are SUPER funny and have gift for writing. You are amazing, you are amazing, you are AMAZING. And you don't need that shiny purse to make yourself feel beautiful and important, but I absolutely LOVE that you brought it with you.

Yay for your body, yay for YOU! I could not be happier that you are seeing some good results. Maybe the shiny purse is a 'goodness' magnet?! Maybe?

emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/1/2012 5:42:33 AM

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CANNIE50 4/30/2012 8:30PM

    I am so glad that Disneyland fan is helping! Wish I could take credit for the shiny purse. I think that purse is a fabulous addition to your "procedure" outfit (and you are so smart to have a "procedure" outfit based on trial and error). Honey, anesthesiologists are our friends, generally speaking. You look them in the eyes, tell them you know they are going to take really good care of you, and they do! I am thrilled that you are starting to have some benefits. No one over the age of 14 actually wears Axe, do they? Since my 8 year old wears it, as you know, I associate with the pre-pubescent set, not with people who are allowed to freely handle needles. Yikes! emoticon

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KAILYNSTAR 4/30/2012 1:51PM

    You're right, ignorance is bliss. Only, next time an anethiesologist keeps asking you if you want something for the incurring pain...take the hint.

You poor sweetheart of a girl. I wish I could be there to support you whole heartedly.

Thank goodness that there is less pain for you.

Thank goodness things worked out for you.

Thank goodness I found you.

You're in my thoughts. As for the purse...I don't have anything fancy like that. I never did. I would feel so self-conscious in a place where I would have to dress up like that.

I prefer pulling up the floor and making myself at home.

Have a good day.

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JCARDINAL 4/30/2012 1:38PM

    I believe you should take any drugs they offer you!! Glad you're feeling a little relief. Can I borrow that shiny purse for one of my outings????

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GUITARWOMAN 4/30/2012 12:16PM

    I so admire your positive attitude!

You are an example to all of us.

The purse definitely rocks, it has that je ne sais quois that make it qu'elle appropriate for any occasion :-).

You go girl!


emoticon

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SARAWALKS 4/30/2012 10:58AM

    Great news, I'm so glad it went well and you are somewhat more free of pain! FAB PURSE! Keeping prayers going up that you will be enjoying it in the proper atmosphere without a gown open up the back!
emoticon emoticon emoticon
I'm not sure I could have held still! I'd probably be such a nervous wreck from having to hold still that I would wiggle...
GREAT JOB!

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LGAR519 4/30/2012 10:17AM

    Love you and your purse. Hope the procedure works. What we don't do to help the pain!?!?!?

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SWEETYOUNGTHING 4/30/2012 5:44AM

    prayers going out your way, Pat

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AAAACK 4/30/2012 1:51AM

    Hey, your left hand is looking really good! Is that your wedding ring you can wear again? And sheesh what a lot of alarming armbands! What was the risk one, I'm prying to know (like my stupid pun)? I hope also that you get awesome results even before you have to go for the next one so that you'll look forward to this one (a little) rather than dread it like this last one.

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2WHEELEDSHARON 4/30/2012 1:22AM

    You deserve an endless supply of flammable and shiny accessories and tools with fans attached to them. Hugs!

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OOLALA53 4/29/2012 11:40PM

    Gold is the new black. It goes with everything. emoticon

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FINALLYBEINGME 4/29/2012 10:43PM

    That clutch is completely fabulous and definitely needs to go with you to a place better than the hospital :).. emoticon I hope you see good results from the procedure *soon* - keeping everything crossed. emoticon

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MAMADWARF 4/29/2012 10:40PM

    Only you Bren! Lol. Thank you for sharing what this was like for you and I am glad to see you used the fan Cannie gave you! I really hope this helps and I always say...TAKE THE DRUGS!!!!!! Hugs!

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 4/29/2012 10:01PM

    I really hope you get to take that purse somewhere fun soon!
I'm glad it went ok....other than the pain & gross noises.
Was your vampire all sparkly like the Twilight vampires?

emoticon

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Bull's Eye

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I'm scheduled to get another nerve procedure tomorrow morning. I've been in complete denial about this since writing the date down two weeks ago. Why? I need to figure this out. Well, I will apparently get poked (deeply) in my neck to find a specific vein or artery (?) and inject a magical potion that will hopefully help with my chronic pain.
I guess I am a bit wiggly about it. Well, I am wiggly anyway I guess, due to my health. But in the words of my Spark pal Cannie50, I am having my own personal earthquake!

Currently my attention span is like that of my puppy Olive:
What time do I need to stop eating/drinking again?
Ooh, a shiny pair of earrings on sale now!
I should wrap up my boss' travel in case I need more time off.
Wow, Peet's Coffee is on sale at Safeway! Need more caffeine! (no, no Bren, you REALLY don't!)
I need to ask my DH to get some meals together in anticipation of being couch-bound post-procedure.
I smell popcorn! Who is making popcorn?!?
Oy! Ok, let's re-group.

I've done numerous procedures to try to alleviate some of my pain. I am a pro at this. Why is this causing me to register a 4.8 on my richter scale? What is the deal?

It's definitely due to the location of the procedure. The Pain Center docs will be working in my neck for a bit. Creepy.
Think of your neck as a nice slice of lasagna if you will. From what I have (finally) read, they will be going pretty deep. I guess that would be the ground turkey layer of that lasagna...? Can't they do this through the nice cheesy top layer without messing with the wonderful stuff below?
This is not an inviting feeling for me. I don't want someone digging around in my lasagna.
Plus, there is a chance of seizure since the area is near my carotid artery. I was told that the doctors know how to stop that seizureif it were to happen. Ok, I guess?

I've decided that I need to use my (often twisted) sense of humor to get me to the Pain Center tomorrow in good spirits, especially since this procedure is only to treat my right hand. I will still need to book 3 more procedures for my other appendages, and then repeat, repeat, repeat.

So far I am looking for stickers like the Target bull's eye logo to slap onto my neck before my appointment. Wouldn't that be just awesome?
Or, perhaps I could use a scented magic marker and write a large 'X' to mark the spot?
I'm glancing at my office supplies as I type this, and wondering how I can use those nifty 'mark here' arrow stickies to pile on my neck, all pointing to the right area.

I AM making myself into a literal dart board, right? Should I bring darts? I could just hand them to the doctors as I enter the room and then stand up against the wall.
Maybe bring in a plastic samurai sword? Some fondue skewers?

In all honesty, I just want this to help my pain, with every fiber and nerve ending in my being.
Just for a little while.
If I could cross my fingers and toes for good luck I would.
Would you do that for me please?

'Nuff Said

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIME2BLOOM4ME 5/3/2012 9:47AM

    emoticon

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SKIPSIDE 4/29/2012 3:56PM

    Hoping for a dash of miracles sprinkled over your procedures.

All this going on and you can still hit the humor nerve and make me LOL with your recap of the wacked out attention span (that sounds incredibly familiar)

Even skilled doctors can be helped by the power of prayer
and a little fairy magic emoticon

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SARAWALKS 4/28/2012 10:08AM

    OH, I want this to help your pain too! Looked you up because of - guess who - CANNIE! You are famous now so we will all put stickies on our pages pointing to YOUR page.
You are a funny lady with a fantastic attitude. I wanna be your friend!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AFTERMYKIDS 4/27/2012 7:18PM

    I truly wish I could reach in there and give you a hug emoticon I know I'm reading this a little late and you have already had the surgery...which I'm SO THANKFUL to hear you're doing good, but YOU are such a trooper!! emoticon I don't know if I could joke around like that. I LOVE your attitude and God knew what he was doing when he gave you that Truly AWESOME Gift! He will see you through this emoticon
My prayers are with you!

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KAILYNSTAR 4/27/2012 6:58PM

    You are an amazing, strong and courageous person.

Pain is such a wearing thing for anyone. I wish there was something, some miracle out there that would get rid of the pain for you.

Just as you are being courageous, so are your doctors. I myself would be scared and wondering at this crazy, beautiful, delicate, yet strong individual that is trusting me to poke with a needle.

My thoughts are with you. I really hope that this helps you...I really do.

Good luck.

emoticon

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COLUMBINE2 4/27/2012 4:13PM

    What a great attitude you have...I hope it all went very smoothly....and the pain stays away permanently.

Take care....you're in my thoughts! emoticon

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OOLALA53 4/26/2012 5:38PM

    Geesh, you have to be awake for this? Not even an Ativan to get you relaxed?

Is there such a thing as reverse voodoo, where sticking needles in dolls ends pain? I wish...

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JCARDINAL 4/26/2012 1:23PM

    It's very hard to type with everything crossed but I will!! All my prayers are going with you and this WILL give you some relief!! emoticon emoticon

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SHERRIE_BERRY 4/26/2012 6:33AM

    Hey Sweetie-peetie,

I will cross my fingers, toes, arms, legs and even braid my hair (that's crossed right?). This procedure is going to be the one that makes it all better...pinky swear!! You are going to get relief I just know it!

I'll be thinking of you and sending telepathic messages to those docs to treat you with extra special care!!!

As always sending cool breezes and hugs to you!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SARASMILING 4/26/2012 6:15AM

    Everything's crossed and prayers are being said. We're here for you. You can do this. You are so strong.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AAAACK 4/26/2012 3:52AM

    Post-it arrows! And LOTS of la la land meds. Sheesh, I really hope it goes way better than you fear. And I hope you get some relief from it! Are the other ones for other body parts also deep neck piercings? Hey, that's it, bring a cute little nosering to stick in the hole. Yeah, right, sure, that's kooky. Good luck with both the procedure and with retaining your sense of humor.


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2WHEELEDSHARON 4/25/2012 10:19PM

    On I'm crossing every body part for you. And a friend pointed out that our intestines are always crossed for each other. Since we have football field length intestines, just think of all that intestinal love for you!

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EVERSTEPH 4/25/2012 9:26PM

    I'm crossing all my appendages for you!

Hey -- maybe it'll be like accupuncture; a little needle poke here; a little needle poke there; suddenly you're feeling good!

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LGAR519 4/25/2012 9:01PM

    I'm praying that everything will work out for you.

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FINALLYBEINGME 4/25/2012 7:42PM

    Ugh..needles..yuck..and yuck and I feel your stress.
Thinking of the good:
Needle poke = temporary pain to get rid of chronic pain (praying and keeping all kinds of things crossed)
Couch bound post procedure = time to watch lots of destressing movies and catch up on spark to get support from your friends.
The best "what if "to think of pre-procedure..what if this really really really helps..

Sending lots of emoticon and good thoughts your way. p.s. Thank you so much for stopping by my blog in the middle of everything you're dealing with and understanding. Sometimes you just need someone to get it!

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BECKYB73 4/25/2012 7:23PM

    Crossing stuff for you....maybe you can find some temporary tattoos to help with their aim?

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 4/25/2012 6:44PM

    I'm keeping everything crossed for you Bren....even my eyes!
emoticon

LOL....just read Marki's comment...great minds think alike ;P

Comment edited on: 4/25/2012 6:46:16 PM

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MISSB8604 4/25/2012 6:41PM

    Dearest Bren,

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and definitely praying. I think your amazing sense of humor WILL help you get through it. Please stay positive, think of wonderful things and don't be hard on yourself if things don't go exactly right. You can do this and I have no doubt you will.

You are loved.

Your Friend,
Brittney

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RYDERB 4/25/2012 6:23PM

    Bren, you know I'll cross EVERYthing including my eyes for you! Heck, I'll make my DH cross his too. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, sending prayers, and telling that Tracy girl she's going to have to wait, until we're both ready to move on together. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Who Knew???

Sunday, April 08, 2012

I am a lucky Spark gal.
Yesterday I got to meet TWO awesome Spark Pals.

I laughed! I giggled! I probably snorted.... : )

Thank You to Cannie and Mamadwarf for making my day!




Bren

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELIBUG 4/17/2012 3:16PM

    HOW FUN~!

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CANNIE50 4/11/2012 4:14PM

    It was SO much fun to spend time with you and Jan aka Mamadwarf. It was such a crazy blend of already knowing you and just meeting you. You are even more beautiful in person, you know (you do know this, correct?) Payton commented several times about how nice you and Randy and Jan were. You all were so sweet with his bouncy self, and so patient with him. The time flew by. How ironic that we forgot to eat because we were so busy talking and laughing. I am crawling out of my post-travel funk/exhaustion - I knew it would take me some time since I completely drained my batteries, so to speak. It was so worth it, though. PS QUITE the handsome husband, honey (but you knew that......)

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KAILYNSTAR 4/11/2012 12:50PM

    Nice to finally meet some friends! I bet you know more about them than their own family and friends. emoticon

Hey, wait a minute....that could be a really good thing. emoticon

Ahhhh, just kidding!!!! emoticon
emoticon

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FITNESSJEN11 4/10/2012 10:36AM

    So cool!! I hope to meet my Tracy friends someday!! :)))
God Bless!!!

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BETHALEA 4/9/2012 8:47PM

  "whenever i see your smilin' face, i have to smile myself, because i love you... yes i do"

:) i miss your snort.

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AAAACK 4/9/2012 3:17PM

    You all look so happy -- and a little dangerous (hee hee)!


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MISSB8604 4/9/2012 2:25PM

    COOL!

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JCARDINAL 4/9/2012 12:40PM

    Fantastic!! Hope you had a great day!

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LGAR519 4/9/2012 10:35AM

    Wish I could meet some of my Sparkfriends. Good for you!

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TRENTDREAMER 4/9/2012 9:40AM

    :)

Glad you had a good day.

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SARASMILING 4/9/2012 6:12AM

    How fun is that?! And how cute are you?! That's awesome you got to spend time together.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RYDERB 4/9/2012 12:07AM

    Sounds fabulous! Thanks for posting the picture! You're all so beautiful! And your smiles say it all! emoticon emoticon

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CLOVER2 4/8/2012 8:00PM

    How super cool is that!!! I would so have loved to have been there, Cannie you look amazing! And Mamadwarf, you are super too! Bren, you look so good, I am glad to see you looking healthy and happy, I am so happy you had a wonderful day with two incredible people! You all have a great day!
emoticon emoticon

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CATS_MEOW_0911 4/8/2012 7:51PM

    Soooo lucky! You gals look great!

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OOLALA53 4/8/2012 7:27PM

    This is SO COOL! What city are in you, BTW? (I shouldn't be online so I'm not going ot go to your page to see if you tell us, but I know you had to fly to go to the pain center.)

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2WHEELEDSHARON 4/8/2012 7:18PM

    Awesome!

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ARLENE_MOVES 4/8/2012 6:36PM

    emoticon emoticon

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VALERIEMAHA 4/8/2012 6:30PM

    UBER-cool...aren't SparkFriend meet-ups just the cat's meow!
emoticon
Maha

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The Attitude of My JEANS, not Genes

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Over the past 6 months, I have pretty much gained back almost all of the weight that I had lot this past year. Things have been...complicated to say the least.

I am now in the largest sized pair of jeans I have ever owned. It makes me mad. And here's the rub:
My jeans KNOW that I hate them. They do. It's wild.
My larger sized jeans gnash their copper riveted teeth at me in response to the constant stink eye that I fling in their direction. It's like my jeans have their own rap star-shiny brass grill (give me a beat!!!).




I don't see the purpose in posting the actual size of my jeans, since some Sparkers might be thrilled to be wearing my current size, and I do appreciate that. BUT that does not mean that I should be happy with it.
This was a giant step backward for me.
I feel as if I am stomping dust and schmear all over reaching my weight loss goal last year.

And these new jeans must be able to read me like a dog-eared book, since they laugh and cackle at me.
It's audible too. See, when I walk in my jeans, they give off an audible, 'scruff scruff' sound.
Within that sound, emanating from my nether region, they tell me that I am lumpy and undesirable.

Scruff scruff.

They tell me that it's not worth the fight, so I should throw in that (workout) towel, and cave in to the inevitable.

Scruff scruff.

And I paid for these larger jeans, which just gets under my skin.
It wasn't easy to bring home my attitude-filed denim. It took some work, like going to a flea market, except I didn't get excited in the end with my purchase.

My first thought was to hit the mall. I tried to keep the walking distance to a minimum though. My old jeans weren't even buttoned up all the way, and it was uncomfortable to say the least. Those poor jeans were so tortured, that they only emanated a wispy whimper sound with each leg swipe. My jeans were sad....

I kept telling myself, it's denim! It's cotton! It's the fabric of our lives, right??? So what's the big deal?



Macy's had no love for me. Not one pair fit right. Everything seemed to be meant for a person with the thighs of a 12 year old boy. When I did manage to find a size that fit, they were practically a foot shorter than I needed. This just wouldn't do. I knew better then to humiliate myself in the juniors section, so I went to Marshall's on the way home. I needed to get the most bang for my buck since I am not able to be on my feet for too long.
My old jeans forced themselves to move as I pushed my cart into the store.

Whimper whimper (the sound of my sad jeans).

My first stop - the candle section. Why? Because I was determined to come home with at least something that I actually liked. I found some gardenia scented candles, complete with fingernail marks and dust on top. I told myself that I could burn away that evidence right quick once I lit them, and chucked them in my cart.
I swerved back to the clothing section and dove in.

Whimper whimper

The Lee jeans were OK. Not flattering, but OK. The coloring was a bit off though. Plus they were still too short. I tried to talk myself into buying them if I promised to NEVER sit down while wearing them so as not to make it obvious. No dice.

I wandered to the Seven jeans rack. Sticker shock, even a Marshalls! I took one look at the price tag, gasped, grabbed my left boobie for some reason (what was that about???), and backed away from those jeans.

Then I saw some Lucky jeans, on clearance!
They did not leave that strange gap between the crest of my toosh and my lower back. This was a great thing since I was sure that i would need to stash my wallet or something back there to fill that void. They fit.

Now there are exactly two things that I can do in response to the situation that I am currently in (angry jeans and all).
Well ok, there are actually three things I could do, but one of them involves throwing my jeans into the trash and then being stuck without jeans to wear (again). Not smart.

I can either:
A) Let the scruffy talk coming from the denim of my jeans actually motivate me to get out of those trash talking beasts, get back to my Sparkly self, and get BACK to my smaller BACKside.
or
B) I can succumb to the rhythmic, mind altering scruffing, believe the nonsense and give up. This option inevitably ends up with my then buying even larger sized jeans in the future. Not a good option.

But hey, I'm cheap. I hate to blow $ on clothes I have no love for.
I am fully aware that if I am unhappy with myself, then I will unintentionally make my husband's Iife, and everyone else around me miserable. That's just not cool.

I'll light my fuzzy gardenia candles, meditate on this a bit, and go for option A.

Scruff scruff - for now.

'Nuff said.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELIBUG 4/17/2012 3:27PM

    I hate, hate, hate jeans shopping. I usually get mad and think there is a store conspiracy of them thinking only fat people are short - WRONG!!!! I really have to be in the right mindset to go jean shopping, because it will knock me down a few rungs on how I feel about myself by the time I'm done.... trying to find something that is long enough, wide enough for thighs, big enough for hips/butt, and once over those mountains doesn't leave the gapping hole in the backside for someoone to easily scratch my behind without trying to hard - LOL.

Surprisingly, I have had better luck in the last 6 months with shopping at the thrift store for jeans. I have managed to find several like new, brand name jeans that actually fit. Of course, my first pass is to look for any touching the floor (cuz' then they are long enough), then the rest of the hard, depressing work begins!

Glad you were successful in finding something to work for you while in the transition back to where you want to be! Just give the new jeans the stink eye for awhile longer and you'll be there.

Hugs ~ Melissa

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RBLACKWOOD21 4/15/2012 1:08AM

    emoticon emoticon

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CANNIE50 4/14/2012 11:00PM

    I am the wrong person to comment since I have seen with my very own eyes that you look fabulous.

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2WHEELEDSHARON 4/3/2012 9:32PM

    Haven't you had health problems that make everything feel like sticks and garbage? Don't even think about getting down on yourself, sister! Wear those jeans, stick the candle in that gap, and walk like Tyra down the Marshalls runway! Or just sit like the Queen of Getting Through a Crazy Mess of H-E double hockey sticks! I figure uncooperative jeans are part of the process, and so is getting scruffless. You will do it!

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 4/3/2012 12:43PM

    emoticon

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CLOVER2 4/3/2012 2:50AM

    Jeans can be so cruel! We love them, our relationship with them is one of "Please don't leave me!" I had forgotten what it was like to put on a pair of jeans, pull them up without having to lie on the bed first, zip (ZIPPPP, what an incredible word!!) them up and wear them without having to figure out how to breathe. I figure you got option A all figured out, and you know you have a ton of Sparkle Friends who'll cheer and support and love you right into it! I know I'll be there, always!!
Love you bunches!
Terri
emoticon

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MRSSCHENCK 4/2/2012 6:14PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JCARDINAL 4/2/2012 1:29PM

    I think I'm wearing the sister to your jeans!! Very mouthy girls that they are. Let's get working together and dump these jeans. We can do it!!

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KAILYNSTAR 4/2/2012 12:01PM

    I too am wearing a size that I haven't wore for a few years. I lost 30 lbs and then managed to gain the weight back. I hate my jeans. They don't scruff, they're wearing out, because I refuse to buy another pair that size. I want my smaller jeans, the ones that say, "Hey there good lookin'!"

So, I'm in the same boat as you. Do I want to give up, or just get moving...

Spring is here. Walking outside will be welcome for me and then, I'm moving....

'Nuff said.

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JODIEST 4/2/2012 6:40AM

    I get it. I soooooooo get it. Thank you for putting that into words.

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MEDDYPEDDY 4/2/2012 1:45AM

    My large clothes are not that aggressive, they are more like depressed and lack energy.
My problem for the moment is that I need a new sweimsuit and I have two almost new pairs that I CAN get into – at the cost of risk of choking blood vessels and nerves because they are so tight. I have to go to the dressingroom bathroom to wiggle in and out of them... and I donīt want to buy a new larger one so I hang on to the old I bought in Florida....1994 or something it is almost falling to pieces. Just one size smaller... I can do that! But not until wednesday when there is water exercise and I donīt think the old one will work with that, I can swim in it in a ladylike manner but not jump around I think...
For the moment I am too fat for jeans, sweatpants is the sad solution...

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AAAACK 4/2/2012 1:03AM

    My new fat jeans like to move around on my body when I'm not moving - that's how I know they know...I hate them, too!

Yes, from a sitting position, they start scrunching down so I actually have to stand up to yank them up back over the rolls. Ugh. Not pretty. But seriously uncomfortable if I don't adjust them. Certainly not date night pants, that's for sure!

We've got to get back to our clothes that make us happy. Good choice on your part. I think I'll do the same!



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KRZYKAT3 4/1/2012 8:00PM

    rofl, that is how I felt aout buyin new work pants in a smaller size. they just felt different and made different noises thant my comfy too big pants

well done my friend

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LGAR519 4/1/2012 7:20PM

    Love you, honey, no matter what size you are!! We'll be here when you're ready to try again.

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TRUEREINVENTED 4/1/2012 6:36PM

    Your blog made me smile--and it was bittersweet too. Listening to the negativity coming from your jeans is definately a path to nowhereville. Keep trying--its all you got!

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Nitroglycerin and Toy Story band-aids, really?

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I have been meaning to post an update blog, but a lot has happened. And that "a lot" has affected the use of my hands even more. My husband refers to this type of situation as a cr*p sandwich. Forgive me, but it does seem appropriate!

We spent about 4 hours at the research facility clinic on Monday since my health issues were screaming bloody murder with a big nerve flare this last Thursday.
I got another ECG, the usual blood pressure tests, etc. No big deal. But once they started to really look at the lesions on my hands, things changed a bit.
The doctor examined me and then called in a cardiologist to administer nitroglycerin (minty!). Then I got to see their rheumatologist (poke poke squeeze, OW!).

All three of my medical musketeers gave me a discouraged looking face and a somber head shake. It's never good when a doctor says, "oh no", let alone all three of them.
Come on guys, I need good back up singers here to get me home!

All of this because one of them blurted out that they were trying to save my fingers. Ok, now we were a bit freaked out.

Next they gave me a cortisone shot, and now I have a small pile of Px's.
So what do I have in my bag of tricks? Lots of aspirin, nerve drugs, prednisone, nitroglycerine and something else (can't remember). My brain???

My wonderful hubby made 2 trips to the pharmacy to get the new Px's, and even made sure to go get me some silly band-aids to go over the nitroglycerin cream (Toy Story!). The only sour part of that great deed, was that he also came home with a giant bag of Reece's PB cups and TWO boxes of Swedish fish (which I love).
I asked him why he strayed from the list (Lord knows we always send them over with a list for a reason, right?!), but he said that he just wanted to get me something to make me smile. Aww...

I had to return the EM drug yesterday. And it WAS working too. I had more confirmation of that when I was able to wear my shoes for 3+ hours at the clinic! For people with Erythromelalgia, our shoes are always off. ALWAYS. That's a key symptom of EM.

The facility director called us later for my exit interview. She said that they were all a bit down in the dumps that I had been removed from this drug trial. One of the nurses told me later that when the director hung up with me, she cried. That makes me even more sad!
They tried to file for something called a 'compassion', where the drug company ideally gives me the drug to use at home while it is still in the testing phase, but they won't. I truly appreciate the effort though. It's too bad that my body was not playing well with others.

So now I have daily appointments with both the rheumatologist and the clinic doctor at 9:00 AM to check my hands. Part of me feels very privileged since it take months to get in to see my regular rheumatologist back home in CA : ).

But I just want to go home. I've wanted to go home since last Thursday, but we are waiting for the 'thumbs up' from the doctors.
Until then, I am not cleared to fly anywhere or leave their care.
Boy, if that doesn't that make me want to go home even more; to my own bed, to see my furry Jit-zu kitty and Olive the wonder puppy. I want to eat my hubbie's grilled chicken and veggies, and smell the cold ocean air on our front porch.

One of my spark friends told me to think about the things I won't miss from that drug trial.
Great idea!
I am pleased that I don't have any more pain induction tests.
Hey, no more tinkling in a cup, flashing my chest for all of those ECG's, or blood draws either!
Did I mention that I would bribe the nurses with gum if they could get my vein in the first stick successfully? It really worked! Orbitz is like gold!

Let me give you the visual I'm looking at currently in the mirror...
Fabric gloves to protect the lesions on my hands from opening, Toy Story band aids, my hairstyle a bit off (let's see you try to put your hair in pony tail without using your fingers), and crooked penciled in eye brows (gotta have functioning fingers to draw those puppies on!).

As for my insides...
Belly contents of bad hotel room coffee (clearly an offensive crime right there), too much sugar-free gum (to dilute the metallic taste in my mouth from the nerve drugs), and daily meals produced by our mini microwave.

Note to self: Brussels sprouts cooked in hotel coffee mugs within the mini micro make the room smell foul! My DH was horrified as he continually waved the hotel room door to dilute the noxious cloud, Ha!

So now we wait for my bod' to heal enough to tolerate the pressure of the flight. Can't bleed out on the plane like some scary tv episode.

I only lasted 8 days on the drug trial. We've been waiting 4 days to go home.
I know that I was meant to do this trial though, if only for this short stint.
I feel blessed to have been a part of it, but am so sorry that my current health drama would not allow me to complete it.

This is usually where people sign off with something like, "well, at least I have my health", right?
Well, I don't.
But I do have a fantastic (and extremely handsome) husband as my support system, as well as my real world pals, and all of you Spark friends to keep me moving toward a cure.

'Nuff said.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSB8604 3/13/2012 12:07PM

    Oh my dearest girl, I am so sorry you're going through this but I am proud of you for doing the best you can in regards to your eating. You are seriously a SUPERSTAR and I am so proud to call you my SparkFriend.

You're in my thoughts and please keep us updated when you can.

We're here for you and we love you!

emoticon

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CLOVER2 3/7/2012 6:44PM

    I am so sorry I didn't see this until now. I have been working odd hours, 12 hours last Thursday night/Friday morning, 10pm last night to 6am this morning, the same again tonight. But I read your words and I want to kick myself in the butt. I have absolutely NO reason to be feeling sorry for myself. How on earth you maintain a sense of humor that I absolutely love and would kill to have I will never know! You are so brave, and so silly, and so wonderful. And I do love you so. I wish I could make you all better.
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/7/2012 6:46:47 PM

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MRSSCHENCK 3/5/2012 6:40AM

    I know I'm late and wrong. Forgive me while I catch up with the goings-on of my friends.

First of all.... emoticon emoticon

Once you said Reece's and Swedish fish, you lost me for a moment. I kept thinking of the candy that is stashed away in my drawer for emergencies. Then I had to reel myself back in and focus. Okay. I'm focused. emoticon Your husband is really sweet.

Then you mentioned the cold ocean air and you lost me again. I'm from the east coast and now I want to go to the beach. Okay...I'm back emoticon

Seriously though, I think you are so emoticon. You're going through so much and yet you still have a positive attitude. I'm so glad we're friends and I pray for a treatment that works for you soon.

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TRENTDREAMER 3/4/2012 10:22PM

    "My husband refers to this type of situation as a cr*p sandwich. Forgive me, but it does seem appropriate! "
* I would agree.

"The doctor examined me and then called in a cardiologist to administer nitroglycerin (minty!). Then I got to see their rheumatologist (poke poke squeeze, OW!). "
* emoticon

"All of this because one of them blurted out that they were trying to save my fingers. Ok, now we were a bit freaked out. "
* emoticon emoticon emoticon

I really hope that you can overcome this.

I'm going to do some 8th grade detective work on this "Erythromelalgia" that you speak of.

again, emoticon emoticon emoticon



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STRIVER57 3/3/2012 5:20AM

    you are just incredibly brave (although i'm sure you don't feel that you are). i've been looking at your blog's via Cannie's comments for a while. frankly i'm glad your husband brought you those reece's and swedish fish and i hope you enjoyed them. and i hope you go home soon. and ... i guess that I hope ... is all i really have to say.

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MELIBUG 3/2/2012 11:53AM

    Prayers and hugs to you girlfriend that everything calms down so you can return home! Though short, your participation in the trial happened for a reason in the long term plan. Good things are going to happen as a result - I just know it!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RYDERB 3/2/2012 9:41AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MEDDYPEDDY 3/1/2012 11:58PM

    That seem a little bit too tough! emoticon

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KAILYNSTAR 3/1/2012 12:38PM

    emoticon



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JCARDINAL 3/1/2012 12:22PM

    You are so brave Bren! I love how you can still make the best of a bad situation. That's what keeps us going. I hope you can get back home soon and enjoy your ocean breezes. Love that man of yours, he's a keeper! emoticon emoticon

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SARASMILING 3/1/2012 6:03AM

    So proud of you for keeping your head up. And give that fabulous husband a hug from all of us. He does sound like a good one. ;) You are being so strong and you are such an inspiration to all of us. Thank you! emoticon

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SUNFLOWER4ME 3/1/2012 3:22AM

    I hope you get to feel that ocean breeze soon emoticon To infinity, AND BEYOND!

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FINALLYBEINGME 3/1/2012 2:12AM

    emoticon Sending a lot of positive thoughts your way. emoticon

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AAAACK 3/1/2012 1:44AM

    If I knew your hotel addr, I'd fedex you a Peet's care package with presspot (hey, it foams milk like a pro, and then makes yummy coffee).

I hope, as you know from our other conversations, that things get better extremely soon. I'm rooting for you from here. Hang in there.


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SHERRIE_BERRY 3/1/2012 12:48AM

    Oh dear Bren...sigh! How can such a huge pile of cr@p fall onto the loveliest lap in all the land???? I'm trying to imagine the noxious odour created by the sprouts...nope, can't quite imagine, but poor Randy...hehe, gotta love 'em...waving the door to let the funk escape!!! And what about the Toy Story band-aids and the sweets...awww, he's a doll!

Okay, so here's my two (I'm totally not a medical professional) cents...prednisone causes swelling....lots and lots of swelling....is this not a concern? I'm worried that this is going to contribute to the hand issue and create more swelling and more lesions, and if I'm not mistaken healing on this med is more difficult...again, unsolicited and totally not medical professional wisdom!!!! I am giving this bit of info from personal experience.

You know I love you to bits...mmm, that just made me think of bits and bites....I digress....ummm, where was I....oh yes, love you bunches and bunches and as always I'm sending cool breezes and hugs to you!!!

Be well, my friend xxx




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NUMD97 3/1/2012 12:11AM

    This one I didn't see coming. Who could anticipate that you would respond to the medication, only to be told that you could not continue in the study? I am totally perplexed by that. OK, this is not helping.

Then I guess the next best thing is to hope for a speedy and satisfactory conclusion to the trial, so that the FDA can approve of its treatment, and your CA doctors allow for you to continue with the Rx's in the private sector.

Bren, I'll add my own "I'm so sorry" along with all your other Spark fans. (The saving grace, perhaps, is that you went into this with very little expectations, unlike the rest of us, perhaps.) I wish there were something more that we could do for you. If you need, you know where and how to reach me.

Best,

Nu

Comment edited on: 3/1/2012 12:53:29 AM

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CANNIE50 2/29/2012 11:45PM

    I absolutely hate the phrase "if you don't have your health, you have nothing". Clearly, that is just not true. I am not surprised that the director cried after delivering bad news to you. I hope there is some comfort in feeling really seen and heard by doctors, in knowing there is compassion. I am thinking about you, as I often do (and I am not alone in that), and I am praying you receive some sort of relief, somehow, soon. oxoxoxoxoxoxox

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MAMADWARF 2/29/2012 10:29PM

    I'm so sorry you are going through all this. You do not deserve it and I was hoping for some good answers for you. I have a perspective on the "you have your health" crowd. In fact, I said it at thanksgiving....

What if you don't have our health? We still have a lot to be thankful for...good friends, loving family, a home, pets...these are things we can appreciate even if we are sick. I was thinking of kd at the time but it applies here. The things we do have help us get through when our health fails us.

I'm here for you, Bren. And I hope you can get home soon. You are beautiful, even with your wonky eyebrows and funky hair...lol. give the hubs a hug for me, he sure sounds like a good one!!!!!

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2WHEELEDSHARON 2/29/2012 9:52PM

    I agree, that's a craptastic deal. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You have a right to say crap and make stinky brussel sprouts anytime you darn well please, even if I was exposed to the smell!

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 2/29/2012 9:33PM

    emoticon emoticon

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LGAR519 2/29/2012 9:31PM

    I don't really know what to say. I'm so sorry that you go through all this. You are an exceptional person and I wish they would have kept you on that drug. I pray that one day they will find a cure.

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EVERSTEPH 2/29/2012 9:26PM

    Oh, I'm speechless. I wish I could take away some of the pain for you. emoticon

It's good to have the support of a hunky hubby (those Swedish Fish were swimming with love!!)! Toy Story Band-Aids - sweet!

I hope you'll be able to get back home soon. Being away from home can be rough and stress-inducing on its own. No soft furry babies around for comfort and to stroke. Oh wait... maybe the hubs can help out there? hehe, that just sounds dirty; I mean PET!

Plus, your hotel room neighbors are probably ready to boot ya outta of there. Microwave brussel sprouts? I think I just gagged.

emoticon

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