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30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 13, 14, & 15

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Day 13

This one I've been putting off for 3 days to write... not because it's not true, but because I'm afraid it might be someday. As long as I keep working on my goals and myself, I know I'll be okay, but damn if depression isn't some of the darkest sh*t I've ever experienced. This has been particularly crushing. I'm just amazed I'm not clinical.

So, I'm thankful I'm not suicidal. And years ago, when I was a few months away from ending my last relationship- with that abusive jerk- I was. Daily dread and the thoughts of how easy it would be to just do it and not have to live that sort of existence any more. Luckily I pulled myself out of that depression (which didn't feel the same way this depression does, so it probably was situational, not necessarily chemical) and ditched him before I did anything drastic. I reassure myself and the few friends that I've confided in about my current depression that they need not worry because I'm not suicidal. But, the scary [terrifying] thing is, I can see why depressed people attempt or succeed at it. Because, frankly, I wouldn't want to live for very long if this is how I had to feel every. single. day. I'm not there now, though, and I hope I never get to be.

Day 14

Today I'm thankful for my sister-in-law's dog, Aiden (or BooBoo as we call him). When my lil' doggie passed away last year, for the first holiday I was going to be home, I knew it was going to be weird. Our canine companion had been in the family 12 years. And I wasn't there when he passed, so I was going to be coming home to an empty house. But, the BooBoo was there to ease that transition and pain. Having another canine around made it less weird somehow. And the BooBoo would go out in the back and lay down on my doggie's grave and mourn him, too, so it was comforting to know we were all in pain together.

Day 15

Today I'm thankful for Starbucks Peppermint Mochas. They are my favorite of the holiday drinks (even more so than Pumpkin Spice, gasp!) And they taste like coffee got together with a candy cane and went dancing in an ocean of whipped cream. I do get mine with nonfat milk. Too much fatty dairy es no bueno with the ol' digestive system (thanks a lot Salted Caramel Mochas). Anyhow, I've had two this week, which is starting to make it less of a treat and more of a too-much-of-a-fat-thing. Oh well. It's not like they're around all year.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SMILINGTREE 11/22/2013 9:57AM

    After my dog died, it really helped that we had a pup in the house. It didn't make me miss Martha any less, but it did give me a snuggle companion.

A very, very long time ago, I would indulge in suicidal thoughts. I understand how people get to that point. But I also know that you get to decide. It took me years to figure it out -- I get to decide what I think about. (This is not to say that everyone can decide, but for me, that turned out to be the case. Please don't think I'm offering advice with that statement -- your counselor is far, far more qualified to do that than I will ever be!)

You have tried an amazing variety of Starbucks drinks. It makes me feel boring. I always just get a skinny vanilla latte because I know love it. Not too adventurous, huh?

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ARUNNINGKAT 11/18/2013 12:26PM

    Thanks for sharing! I am glad that you are able to share with us here..and I am very glad that you are not suicidal too. I so hope you start to feel better soon. I have struggled at times too (and definitely do some days right now) and it is not a fun way to live. As for Starbucks Peppermint Mochas, they are one of my many favorites! I try to limit myself to just one surgery splurge drink from Starbucks a week, but it can be a challenge because there are so many good ones right now and they won't be here long.

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GREGGWEISBROD 11/18/2013 10:03AM

    My lovely Jill, you've simply not enjoyed the best of Christmas until you've had an eggnog gingerbread latte. :-D That is of course if you like eggnog. If you do, it will BLOW your mind... if you don't, then you'd probably just retch it back up I suppose. I'm thankful you haven't hit a place in your current bout of depression where suicide starts to seem like a reasonable option. Your life is a treasure, your mind and your soul are uniquely brilliant, sometimes we just need the right mirror held up so that we can see ourselves for how we truly are - and not how we think we are.

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SLIMMERJESSE 11/16/2013 1:39PM

    I don't trust myself to try them. (smiling) They look so delish that, once started, I'd be hooked.

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30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 11 & 12

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Day 11

I've been drained of all my energy lately (I'm attributing it to this stupid depression because really, I don't have any other reason to be so tired all the time) so I totally forgot to post my thankful thing yesterday.

And, of course, it being Veteran's Day, I am thankful for our veterans. I have a family member or two in active service and more than my share of friends who are now or have been at one time in a branch of our military. From Iraq to Afghanistan, the people I've known have been there, on the front lines, risking their lives and safety. They've done something I don't know that I could do myself. These people are amazing and wonderful. They are truly heroic and brave. And I love them! So, veterans get a big "thank you" from me and to know I am thankful for them.

Um... I don't think I have a veterans-y pic, so....

Day 12
Today I am thankful for old friends. Real ones. Not friends that have known me for the last 7 years and I've only *thought* I've known them. Yesterday I got together with some of my "old friends" to remember and reminisce about our friend that passed away. It was nice to reconnect and see familiar faces and just sit and enjoy each other's company for an afternoon (an afternoon that was just too short as it turned out). I've known one friend since elementary school and the other since junior high. And for a period of time (mostly while I was living in San Diego) we lost touch or didn't communicate as frequently... but, yesterday was a great time to catch up and spend time together. And hopefully, continue to do so more in the future. I left that day thankful that after all this time, they're still wonderful people and best of all, they're still there.

1999 (I was a junior in high school)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARUNNINGKAT 11/18/2013 12:20PM

    Love the flashback photo! Friends like that are so amazing. So glad you have them.

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ARCHIMEDESII 11/13/2013 3:42PM

    JIlly, you are far to young to have had a friend pass away. That's so sad.

I'm in touch with one dear friend from high school and I owe her an email. LOL.
I see one friend from grammar school, but that's only because she still lives locally. Everyone else seems to have scattered into the wind.

I would say I have more co-workers I've known over the years who are friends, than anyone in high school. Over the years, we really did grow apart.

You were Sailor Moon ! How cute !

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GREGGWEISBROD 11/12/2013 4:48PM

    I have maybe four or five friends like that. It always is the most amazing thing to be able to not see them for a year or two, but then completely reconnect everytime you see them - as if no time had passed. Really sorry to hear about your friend. :-(

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30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 10

Monday, November 11, 2013

Day 10

Today I'm thankful for vanilla rooibos tea lattes. If you've never had one, get thee to a Starbucks and enjoy! I make mine at home now (but, I still have to buy the tea bags at Starbucks). They are so ridiculously delicious. Perfect hot beverage on a cold night. Vanilla tea with some honey and non-fat foamy milk. It's a hug in a mug. It's my absolute #1 favorite thing to drink in winter (even more so than the Gingerbread coffee from Trader Joe's- that stuff is OFF THE HOOK GOOD, too!)

Vanilla Rooibos Tea Latte, the beverage of champions.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SMILINGTREE 11/12/2013 11:14AM

    Since vanilla is one of my favorite flavors, it's shocking I haven't tried this. It's probably because I always order a vanilla latte at Starbucks. Or any fancy coffee house.

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DIANER2014 11/11/2013 11:25PM

    Sounds yummy! Will have to try it.

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BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 11/11/2013 12:11PM

    Hug in a mug! Love it!

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ARCHIMEDESII 11/11/2013 9:43AM

    emoticon YUM !!

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30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 9

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Day 9

Today I am thankful for enchiladas verdes. Some of ya'll may not know this (but, many of you will recall) that I have a weakness for cheese enchiladas. And normally I stick to the traditional: cheese, corn tortillas, and red sauce. And then more cheese sprinkled on top. I used to eat such a concoction weekly, but since moving back home (almost coming up on a year now) I have ceased to eat any enchilada with such frequency. I'm sure my arteries are thankful for that.

One day, on a strange whim, I decided to get a green enchilada sauce in lieu of my usual red. And I never looked back. My only regret is not discovering the amazingness that is the green enchilada sooner! I'm not sure it'll please my arteries, but it sure pleases my tastebuds.

Yesterday my mom put a pork roast of some butt/shoulder sort in the crockpot. Today I used some of it to make cheese and pork enchiladas verdes. I am astonished that despite my depression, I have retained some sense of self-control with eating (not always, mind you, but today was a definite victory) and limited myself to just TWO enchiladas. I did, however, make two full casserole dishes of enchiladas so that I could feast on the leftovers.

Thank you, green enchiladas, for being a thing.

I may or may not have licked my plate.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GREGGWEISBROD 11/12/2013 4:44PM

    lol, I may or may not lick the bowl after eating an amazing ice cream sundae. :-D Enchiladas are the freakin bomb! I am soooo hungry now, lol.

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SMILINGTREE 11/12/2013 11:13AM

    I adore green sauce.

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BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 11/11/2013 12:12PM

    That looks so good, Jill! I've never made enchiladas before but your blog is tempting me to do so!

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JSALERNO 11/10/2013 6:53AM


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30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 7 & 8 (& training)

Friday, November 08, 2013

Day 7

I'm reluctantly thankful for Starbuck's Salted Caramel Mochas. They're so damn good and so damn terrible for you. I never remember to get it with nonfat milk. I like whip, too, so I'm going to have some whip with that! The only thing semi-healthy I do when getting one of these bad boys is to order it with light salt ('cuz ain't nobody needing more sodium in their diet!) Oh, and I get a tall instead of, ya know, like a trenta. Not that I could down that much coffee if I tried. At least these aren't a daily thing for me... more like a once or twice a week treat. So, thank you Starbucks for making these delicious beverages and allowing me to start my day off with something that at least tastes fabulous and doesn't toy with my emotions like certain heartless, soulless guys I know.

Day 8
Today I'm legit thankful for good shoes. I mean, if I had to try to train for a 5k in flip-flops, life would literally be a constant suckfest of foot and ankle issues, amirite? I got me these awesome grey and blue beasts to support my pain-in-the-ass high arches and my pansy weak ankles. I'm super jelly of the people that have those mega-bright fluorescent or 1980's neon colors athletic shoes. I'd rock me some bright, see-me-with-the-Hubble-Telescope green trainers if I could! A girl can dream... in the meantime, these babies do the job. Thanks, New Balance, for being off the f***in' chain!

As you can probably notice, I have somewhat lost my mind today. I got up to get ready for my counseling session and my psychologist had an emergency come up and had to cancel on me last minute. :-( Of all weeks, too, huh? So, she's going to check her appointment schedule to see if she can fit me in early in the week instead of waiting until next Friday at our regularly schedule meeting. Instead, my bro's gf and I went to Starbucks for a coffee and pastry. I had a mini-session with her and cried in public. During the morning rush. Again. I guess I'd be embarrassed under normal circumstances, but depression and lost emotions aren't normal. No only do I feel played, but I'm so sad at how easy it was for him to treat me like a piece of nothing and then walk away from a 6 or 7 year friendship. I hope it was worth it to him, 'cuz it sure wouldn't have been to me. Then again, I'm equipped with a heart and soul.

So, I also forced my self to train again. Hoping for another boost of anti-depressant interval run-induced endorphins. Maybe that's where all the sarcasm is coming from. My mom came along with me and rode her adult trike. It was nice having her join. She's gained a lot of weight and needs to get out and move, so it was good for her to go. Maybe she'll do it more. I dunno what the deal is with the phone service in my area (oh yeah, it SUCKS) so my phone's GPS couldn't get a lock on me and my numbers for this got a bit screwed up, so I had to come home and do some math. And I hate math. Anyway, according to my calculations, I did slightly better this time around than on Tuesday's training. Went from just over a 16 minute mile to somewhere around a 15 mile. I did discover that I think I've been training slightly wrong, so I'll be adjusting for my next training day (tomorrow, I guess). The wording for the training here on Spark is a little ambiguous, so I misunderstood my instructions... Now I've got some clarity and understanding. Will be adjusting accordingly.

This weekend the goal is to make a space in the living room to get the treadmill in. Then I won't have to breathe in the dust and dirt and pollen and factory air and crop dusting pesticides and whatever else is in the air in this "wonderful" place. Meh, who am I kidding? That crap is in the house, too. But, at least I can do my training in a more controlled way in a more controlled environment. With less risk of shin splints.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GREGGWEISBROD 11/12/2013 4:41PM

    Mmmmmmmm, that Starbucks drink looks effin amazing! They never made those when I worked there, but that was also a bajillion years ago... yes, that would be before the beginning of time itself. I totally am gonna make sure I have enough calories available tonight and go order one of those!! :-D

You know, love is such a stupid mess of hot, smelly, wonderful, sad, ridiculous, amazing, and also heart-breaking emotions. That he was your friend first only makes it that much harder I am sure. It really is awesome though that you have friends whose real shoulders can bear the weight of your tears. That is something to definitely be thankful for.

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SMILINGTREE 11/12/2013 11:12AM

    I rather enjoyed this sarcastic entry :)

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JSPIN74 11/11/2013 3:50PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SDLOV3R 11/8/2013 7:00PM

    Jill, you are an amazing, capable, WORTHY woman. I am so glad to know you and thankful that you allow me to be a support in your life. emoticon

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