JILLYBEAN25   23,867
20,000-24,999 SparkPoints
JILLYBEAN25's Recent Blog Entries

30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 4

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Day 4

Today I am thankful for Louis. He's my brother's cat technically, but very much "everyone's" cat. He certainly spends a lot of time with me. They say having pets is good for your health (but maybe not my allergies) and I do tend to enjoy my life more when I have pets around. Living in San Diego for 4 years without a pet was kinda a bummer, especially since I've had pets since I was 8 years old.

Louis is a sweet cat. Everyone that gets the chance to interact with him immediately falls in love with his chubby, squeaky, fuzziness. He loves my gray robe, too. He'll come and sit in my lap and just purr and knead my robe and stay there. I actually find it very relaxing to have him come snuggle with me. Occasionally he sleeps in my room with me. He has this high-pitched squeaky meow that's adorable and he always extends one paw to you when he's talking to you. He doesn't have those tiny little teeth between his fangs, so there's just black gums there. It makes it funny watch him meow or yawn since it's like this dark emptiness. Like a cute hillbilly cat. Anyway, he's a treasure and really helped me heal when the MeowMeow passed away.

How could your heart not melt with that lil' punam!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KARENE10 11/6/2013 8:50PM

    Hillbilly cat~ emoticon emoticon emoticon SO funny! He does sound like a sweetie emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DSHONEYC 11/5/2013 2:42PM

    emoticon Ahhhhhhhh. I love my kitties.

It is good to share your life with animals.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ARCHIMEDESII 11/5/2013 1:34PM

    Now that is a contented looking cat !!

I do miss having a cat. They do make good companions even though they tear around the house on Saturday nights. LOL !!


Report Inappropriate Comment
ARUNNINGKAT 11/5/2013 12:07PM

    Oh he looks a lot like my cat, Libby! So cute! And she does some of those poses too!

Report Inappropriate Comment

30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 3

Monday, November 04, 2013

Day 3
Today I am thankful for the two guys who sit next to me in chemistry. Jonta sits to my left, and Gabe sits to my right. They make the class much more tolerable, plus we struggle together, get angry and frustrated, fail tests together, compare each other's homework answers (inevitably all 3 of us have 3 different answers, ugh!) and I feel better knowing I'm not the only one. These guys are warm, friendly, and on my level. I lucked out getting them in my class and for fate sitting me with them. :-)

I don't have a pic of Jonta or Gabe, so instead here's Kyle (aka Cop Car) "helping" me with my chem homework.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 11/5/2013 5:38PM

    Loving reading about your Thankfulness! Looking forward to following along all month!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GREGGWEISBROD 11/5/2013 11:57AM

    Yeah, that's pretty stinkin' cute, lol! :-D Everything is easier in life when you can share your struggles and your triumphs with someone else. I'm glad you have those guys in your life too!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ARUNNINGKAT 11/4/2013 5:44PM

    Mr. Kyle (or Cop Car) is adorable! Looks like he has a lot of personality!

Report Inappropriate Comment
40PUDDLEJUMPER 11/4/2013 4:22AM

    Sometimes the people around us make everything feel much better, some of my classes were like that, we were all confused together!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
144AUTUMN 11/4/2013 1:20AM

  You can do it!!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ZRIE014 11/4/2013 12:59AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
CHIBIKARATE 11/4/2013 12:51AM

    cute enjoy your Day hugz

Report Inappropriate Comment

30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 2

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Day 2
I'm thankful for what my granny refers to as my "ugly gray robe". I got this robe for Christmas several years ago and over time it has become my security blanket. I wear it year-round (yes, even on those 115 degree summer days in the desert) not for temperature regulation, but for comfort. I wrap myself in my robe and my mind becomes at ease. I almost feel naked not wearing it when I lounge around the house. Despite the fact that I'm ALWAYS wearing it, I seem to have few photos of me actually in it... Anyway, I did scrounge up one from January of this year.

My security blanket ugly gray robe is worn and, yeah, now it's ugly, but it's my favorite clothing item in the whole world.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARUNNINGKAT 11/4/2013 5:44PM

    Everyone needs a "grey robe" even if it isn't offically a robe. Something that comforts us is priceless!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MEWHENRYSMAMA 11/3/2013 10:29AM

    I LOVE your gray robe...the fact it brings you such comfort is awesome!
If it ever passes over to the other side, you must save a piece to frame or
Have as the Center piece of a throw pillow! Enjoy...
Love & warm gray robe hugs!

Report Inappropriate Comment

30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 1

Friday, November 01, 2013

I did this last year, too, and had some fun with it. Its always appropriate to focus on thankfulness and gratitude any time of year, but we're extra-reminded during the holidays.

In light of the recent things happening in my life and the intense depression I've been experiencing, I think I need the "30 Days of Thankful" more than ever this year. Depression is seriously soul-decaying and it makes it so difficult to see anything beyond the hopelessness, emptiness, perceived abandonment & isolation, loneliness, etc. One of the things I've been trying to do is take the focus outward instead of inward. So, we'll see if finding 30 things to be thankful for can help me get myself out of this funk in time for me to enjoy my family and friends for the holidays.

Day 1
Today I am thankful for my best friend Shaina (aka Shy). We met when my mom used to take me to her mom's daycare. Of course, that's a little earlier than my memories allow. We were [unknowingly] reunited our freshman year in high school and have been BFF's ever since. Sometimes more time than we like elapses between conversations, but we always pick up and go forward. I can always count on her to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and another laugh so I'm not the only one making a fool of myself.

And after all, who else would make a 4 hour trip by car to come make sure you're okay?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARUNNINGKAT 11/4/2013 5:43PM

    What a great friend you have! And I love the idea of posting something you are grateful for every day! Love the photos of you and your friend too!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SDLOV3R 11/3/2013 2:18AM

    Thank you for posting this. A couple of my friends on fb are doing this as well and I think it is so so important in this hectic and stressful world to focus on what is going RIGHT in our lives. Know that you have a friend in me (Toy Story song bomb, lol). I'm looking forward to your blog posts to tide me over until IRON GIRL in December!!!! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GREGGWEISBROD 11/2/2013 3:54AM

    Such a great idea for a series of posts! I'm up with my little girl (7 month old) and it's ridiculously early (3:48am) and your blog put a nice smile on my otherwise tired and sleep-deprived face. It's so easy (too easy) to forget the good things we have in our lives to be thankful for, and when we think of them it certainly can make us realize things are better than they might seem. For example, sleep deprivation is a hilariously unfunny experience, lol, but I'm thankful for the smile my little girl gives me when I first come and rescue her in the middle of the night. Even though it's an unpleasant thing to have to wake up, at least it reminds me that it's worth every second. PS. The picture of you and your friend against the darkened sky is absolutely beautiful. :-D

Comment edited on: 11/2/2013 3:56:41 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
MEWHENRYSMAMA 11/2/2013 3:36AM

I loved this...what a good friend! And good times!
Gratitude is essential to stay on top of any kind of negativity!
I look forward to your posts...
Love you!
P.S. I am grateful for finding you on Spark and having you as my SparkFriend!

Report Inappropriate Comment

Seeking the Light at the End of the Tunnel

Friday, October 25, 2013

So, very few developments have occurred since my last blog. Sorry. One being that the only emotion I seem capable of experiencing for the time being is sadness (with a smidge of disappointment and frustration mixed in for good measure). Sadness at everything- feeling so lonely, feeling so isolated, feeling abandoned and rejected. I have yet to go a day without weeping. For good measure I found this blog/webcomic (blomic?) that seems to kinda reflect my state of being lately:



(Oh, yeah, um... strong language warning. But, it has a purpose, it's not just for the sake of dropping f-bombs.)

Granted this person is a bit more extreme and has experienced these issues for far, far longer than I have, the "blomic" is sorta, well, me... And the rest of this blog refers to these two "blomics" so you may want to read them to understand the references. At least you'll be entertained.

I'm not suicidal, so that isn't me. Also, I haven't turned to any sort of self-abuse or self-hatred. And the day I realized I didn't have any other feelings in me (just sadness, etc.) I didn't feel liberated or invincible at all. Actually, I was sort of alarmed, but mostly just burdened by it. I know I can feel feelings because I've felt them before, and to suddenly not be able to was something terrible. I felt like an empty shell of person- a husk. Yeah, I felt like the corn husk wrapper of a delicious tamale that once had cooked masa encasing some sort of spicy meat, and if you got the *really* good tamales, a slice of potato and an unpitted green olive in there, too. That delicious inside was gone and all that remained was the useless, inedible wrapper. And it made my sadness feel more intense (probably why I can't stop crying anymore). The "blomic" said it pretty great: there's a huge difference between not giving a f*** and not being able to give a f***.

Now, before you all get to thinking I'm dooming myself and that maybe because I keep complaining about it that I really WANT to be depressed (let's face it, there are people out there that really, actually think that- but, can't you see how dead these fish are?!) I have been working on crawling my way out of this pit. I attended church for the first time in a long time on Sunday and found the experience favourable. If I had feelings to feel I'd have likely enjoyed it. I plan to go back. I've spent a lot of time in meditation and prayer. And, my friend Leah (SPRING4FAL) has been wonderful and emailing me regularly... we've been sort of doing our own little Bible study so to speak between us. I have found this to be very comforting, if not for the things I know I'm capable of and that God knows I'm capable of, but at the most basic level for having someone care enough to reach out to me in such a big way.

I also went to my general practitioner this past week, and while she doesn't seem to think my problem is, erm... "real depression"? I guess... I'm not sure how to say it... basically she believes my sadness is due to a series of situations that I have control over and that I'm fully able to control my emotions and change my situation to pull myself out of this "funk". She kept saying it's a "personality problem" which I know logically she meant it's something that I'm in control of and can change- but, when worded that way just made it sound like she thought I'm some sort of jerkface a-hole that repels people in my life and it's my own fault I'm depressed. And I did make an effort to fix a few of the things that have occurred recently that have contributed [back on birth control, reached out to my friend, attempted to reestablish regular communication with "special friend"] Not much I can do beyond that.

Luckily I'm smart enough to realize she's a general practitioner/internist, so psychology would not be her area of expertise. So, I went to my school psychologist the next day. Thanks to the student health fees we're all required to pay every semester no matter what, even if we have our own health coverage, the counseling services at school are "free" for enrolled students. They're just meant for short-term counseling, really, but at least it's a start. I was very comfortable with the counselor there and she really wants me to come back. Since her area of specialty IS psych related, she was a little more kind in her initial impressions of me. Of course, she won't be diagnosing me with anything or making any assumptions until after a much deeper, thorough assessment, so I'll be seeing her regularly the rest of the semester.

In the meantime, chemistry still stresses me out. Medical terminology is interesting for like 5 minutes and then I get pretty bored. I should have done an online class for that.

Today I got a haircut. It had been a really long time since I did and feeling like a shaggy, overgrown mullet-coiffed Sasquatch was certainly not helping my sadness. I'm lucky to have a friend that cuts my hair and not just someone at a salon. So, I got my haircut and instantly felt a little boost (she told me, if you can't change your mood, change your hair- and it's SO TRUE). And of course, I had casually mentioned I was down and since we're friends and Facebook friends she just asked outright, "Jill, are you lonely?" And I burst into tears (as usual) and said, "Of course I am." And she said, "I'm lonely, too. Maybe we should hang out more so we don't have to be so lonely all the time." So, I think we're going to try to establish a weekly day where we just hang out and do something- go grab a coffee, go for a drive, go on an adventure, go to the store... something. It's nice to have someone actually want to spend time with me. She has an adorable son (who is starting to call me "auntie") so it'll be nice to have him around, too. He's a sweetheart and I love my friends' kids.

This weekend my BFF is coming to visit me from L.A. I have been communicating with her fairly regularly about all this stuff, too, and I think she's really worried... worried enough to make a 4 hour drive here to see me. So, it'll be nice to see her, too.

Every once in a while, an emotion comes outta nowhere and surprises me that it's still trying to hang on, so I'm hoping that light at the end of the tunnel is just having it's bulb replaced and that I'll be seeing it soon enough.

And here I am as an adorable black cat in the 1st grade. For Halloween. I'm not some weirdo that just dresses up as a cat for no real reason (*cough*yesIam*cough*)

And this collection is why I've concluded I NEED to own a pug. Especially the Teen Wolf Pug. That was the best.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KUJAYHAWKGIRL 11/5/2013 3:09PM

    Sorry for the late comment but I haven't checked in on Sparkpeople and read blogs since before Halloween (pathetic) and have just been tracking from my iPhone app. I just wanted to comment on this because I really feel for you and am worried about you. There have been times in my life that I have felt very sad, overwhelmed, and alone. I just wanted to tell you, this too shall pass. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, talk to your counselor, and keep exercising (always helps me improve my frame of mind)...and at some point things WILL get better. Another thing that always helps me is FORCING myself to get out of the house! Whether it's just to take a walk, or grab coffee with a friend (old or new) - just try to get out and not be home alone as much. I know that's hard with your car situation. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. (((HUGS)))


Report Inappropriate Comment
MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/30/2013 1:08AM

    P.S. I loved your kid picture...how sweet!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/30/2013 1:07AM

    My dear Jillybean...I have been there and I understand. And I have had the "you could have the world by the tail" comments made to me in the middle of a deep depression, that not only did not help, but I could not believe was even said! It is so hard to believe it will pass, get better, etc, but it will! You are doing great positive things...going to student counselling, reaching out to others and to find they, too, have similar feelings! You have had a number of things that have produced alot of stress in your life and it adds up!
If I can be of any help, please let me know, I am here! I know I am older but, that is why I can tell you, I get it, I have been there!
Love & Hugs,

Report Inappropriate Comment
GREGGWEISBROD 10/29/2013 3:30PM

    It's weird, I read those 'blomics' (clever word for them) earlier this year, and although I understood what the writer was talking about, I simply was too busy laughing my ass off at her incredible humor over the whole thing. Reading through it again today though, understanding that you're going through a lot of what the blogger was describing, really moved me. It's funny that the doctor somewhat dismissed your depression as something you had control to fix... every overweight person here who struggled in deep sadness for years about their body can attest, the sadness is what handcuffs us into a general state of apathy, inactivity, a place where either we care and go insane because we can't stop ourselves... or we just stop caring altogether. So to say that we have control over it is a misrepresentation of what's actually happening. Anyways. I'm totes friending you. :-D Then I'm going to go read more of those hilarious blomics, I recall there's one that almost made me pee myself... true story. :-D

Report Inappropriate Comment
ARUNNINGKAT 10/29/2013 2:05PM

    I feel really horrible because for some reason I didn't see this blog over the weekend and therefore did not comment. Please don't take my late comment as a lack of caring! As you probably saw from my last blog, I understand some of what you are going through. I have been there a little this past month. I wish we lived closer because I would take you out with me on one of my fall workouts in the sunshine. They do wonders for my soul! It sounds like you are on the right track. A haircut and getting some friend time is a wonderful start. And for the record, I can't believe how mean your doctor was! Hang in there girl! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LODESTONE 10/25/2013 2:16PM

    Hope the second counselor is a better fit for you and helps you through the sadness you are feeling. Good that your haircutting friend is reaching out and you will be able to schedule some time together. kids are always a source of joy, and usually entertainment too!!!! they have such a refreshing outlook on life! Best of luck, Jill. emoticon

Black cats aren't always bad luck either....

Comment edited on: 10/25/2013 2:16:46 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
DSHONEYC 10/25/2013 11:26AM

    Oh, Jilly - I am so sorry to know that you are feeling all this sadness. I have been there and would encourage you to:
1. Get a 2nd opinion on depression. You sound to me like a "classic" case. No I don't have a degree, but I have had a couple of episodes of organic depression. There is medication that can help you.
2. Remember: He will never leave you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
FEMISLIM 10/25/2013 8:21AM

    It is well with you.

Report Inappropriate Comment

First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 Last Page