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30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 2

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Day 2
I'm thankful for what my granny refers to as my "ugly gray robe". I got this robe for Christmas several years ago and over time it has become my security blanket. I wear it year-round (yes, even on those 115 degree summer days in the desert) not for temperature regulation, but for comfort. I wrap myself in my robe and my mind becomes at ease. I almost feel naked not wearing it when I lounge around the house. Despite the fact that I'm ALWAYS wearing it, I seem to have few photos of me actually in it... Anyway, I did scrounge up one from January of this year.

My security blanket ugly gray robe is worn and, yeah, now it's ugly, but it's my favorite clothing item in the whole world.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARUNNINGKAT 11/4/2013 5:44PM

    Everyone needs a "grey robe" even if it isn't offically a robe. Something that comforts us is priceless!

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 11/3/2013 10:29AM

    I LOVE your gray robe...the fact it brings you such comfort is awesome!
If it ever passes over to the other side, you must save a piece to frame or
Have as the Center piece of a throw pillow! Enjoy...
Love & warm gray robe hugs!
Mary

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30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 1

Friday, November 01, 2013

I did this last year, too, and had some fun with it. Its always appropriate to focus on thankfulness and gratitude any time of year, but we're extra-reminded during the holidays.

In light of the recent things happening in my life and the intense depression I've been experiencing, I think I need the "30 Days of Thankful" more than ever this year. Depression is seriously soul-decaying and it makes it so difficult to see anything beyond the hopelessness, emptiness, perceived abandonment & isolation, loneliness, etc. One of the things I've been trying to do is take the focus outward instead of inward. So, we'll see if finding 30 things to be thankful for can help me get myself out of this funk in time for me to enjoy my family and friends for the holidays.

Day 1
Today I am thankful for my best friend Shaina (aka Shy). We met when my mom used to take me to her mom's daycare. Of course, that's a little earlier than my memories allow. We were [unknowingly] reunited our freshman year in high school and have been BFF's ever since. Sometimes more time than we like elapses between conversations, but we always pick up and go forward. I can always count on her to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and another laugh so I'm not the only one making a fool of myself.

And after all, who else would make a 4 hour trip by car to come make sure you're okay?







  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARUNNINGKAT 11/4/2013 5:43PM

    What a great friend you have! And I love the idea of posting something you are grateful for every day! Love the photos of you and your friend too!

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SDLOV3R 11/3/2013 2:18AM

    Thank you for posting this. A couple of my friends on fb are doing this as well and I think it is so so important in this hectic and stressful world to focus on what is going RIGHT in our lives. Know that you have a friend in me (Toy Story song bomb, lol). I'm looking forward to your blog posts to tide me over until IRON GIRL in December!!!! emoticon emoticon

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GREGGWEISBROD 11/2/2013 3:54AM

    Such a great idea for a series of posts! I'm up with my little girl (7 month old) and it's ridiculously early (3:48am) and your blog put a nice smile on my otherwise tired and sleep-deprived face. It's so easy (too easy) to forget the good things we have in our lives to be thankful for, and when we think of them it certainly can make us realize things are better than they might seem. For example, sleep deprivation is a hilariously unfunny experience, lol, but I'm thankful for the smile my little girl gives me when I first come and rescue her in the middle of the night. Even though it's an unpleasant thing to have to wake up, at least it reminds me that it's worth every second. PS. The picture of you and your friend against the darkened sky is absolutely beautiful. :-D

Comment edited on: 11/2/2013 3:56:41 AM

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 11/2/2013 3:36AM

    Jilly,
I loved this...what a good friend! And good times!
Gratitude is essential to stay on top of any kind of negativity!
I look forward to your posts...
Love you!
Mary
P.S. I am grateful for finding you on Spark and having you as my SparkFriend!

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Seeking the Light at the End of the Tunnel

Friday, October 25, 2013

So, very few developments have occurred since my last blog. Sorry. One being that the only emotion I seem capable of experiencing for the time being is sadness (with a smidge of disappointment and frustration mixed in for good measure). Sadness at everything- feeling so lonely, feeling so isolated, feeling abandoned and rejected. I have yet to go a day without weeping. For good measure I found this blog/webcomic (blomic?) that seems to kinda reflect my state of being lately:

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/
10/adventures-in-depression.html

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/
05/depression-part-two.html


(Oh, yeah, um... strong language warning. But, it has a purpose, it's not just for the sake of dropping f-bombs.)

Granted this person is a bit more extreme and has experienced these issues for far, far longer than I have, the "blomic" is sorta, well, me... And the rest of this blog refers to these two "blomics" so you may want to read them to understand the references. At least you'll be entertained.

I'm not suicidal, so that isn't me. Also, I haven't turned to any sort of self-abuse or self-hatred. And the day I realized I didn't have any other feelings in me (just sadness, etc.) I didn't feel liberated or invincible at all. Actually, I was sort of alarmed, but mostly just burdened by it. I know I can feel feelings because I've felt them before, and to suddenly not be able to was something terrible. I felt like an empty shell of person- a husk. Yeah, I felt like the corn husk wrapper of a delicious tamale that once had cooked masa encasing some sort of spicy meat, and if you got the *really* good tamales, a slice of potato and an unpitted green olive in there, too. That delicious inside was gone and all that remained was the useless, inedible wrapper. And it made my sadness feel more intense (probably why I can't stop crying anymore). The "blomic" said it pretty great: there's a huge difference between not giving a f*** and not being able to give a f***.

Now, before you all get to thinking I'm dooming myself and that maybe because I keep complaining about it that I really WANT to be depressed (let's face it, there are people out there that really, actually think that- but, can't you see how dead these fish are?!) I have been working on crawling my way out of this pit. I attended church for the first time in a long time on Sunday and found the experience favourable. If I had feelings to feel I'd have likely enjoyed it. I plan to go back. I've spent a lot of time in meditation and prayer. And, my friend Leah (SPRING4FAL) has been wonderful and emailing me regularly... we've been sort of doing our own little Bible study so to speak between us. I have found this to be very comforting, if not for the things I know I'm capable of and that God knows I'm capable of, but at the most basic level for having someone care enough to reach out to me in such a big way.

I also went to my general practitioner this past week, and while she doesn't seem to think my problem is, erm... "real depression"? I guess... I'm not sure how to say it... basically she believes my sadness is due to a series of situations that I have control over and that I'm fully able to control my emotions and change my situation to pull myself out of this "funk". She kept saying it's a "personality problem" which I know logically she meant it's something that I'm in control of and can change- but, when worded that way just made it sound like she thought I'm some sort of jerkface a-hole that repels people in my life and it's my own fault I'm depressed. And I did make an effort to fix a few of the things that have occurred recently that have contributed [back on birth control, reached out to my friend, attempted to reestablish regular communication with "special friend"] Not much I can do beyond that.

Luckily I'm smart enough to realize she's a general practitioner/internist, so psychology would not be her area of expertise. So, I went to my school psychologist the next day. Thanks to the student health fees we're all required to pay every semester no matter what, even if we have our own health coverage, the counseling services at school are "free" for enrolled students. They're just meant for short-term counseling, really, but at least it's a start. I was very comfortable with the counselor there and she really wants me to come back. Since her area of specialty IS psych related, she was a little more kind in her initial impressions of me. Of course, she won't be diagnosing me with anything or making any assumptions until after a much deeper, thorough assessment, so I'll be seeing her regularly the rest of the semester.

In the meantime, chemistry still stresses me out. Medical terminology is interesting for like 5 minutes and then I get pretty bored. I should have done an online class for that.

Today I got a haircut. It had been a really long time since I did and feeling like a shaggy, overgrown mullet-coiffed Sasquatch was certainly not helping my sadness. I'm lucky to have a friend that cuts my hair and not just someone at a salon. So, I got my haircut and instantly felt a little boost (she told me, if you can't change your mood, change your hair- and it's SO TRUE). And of course, I had casually mentioned I was down and since we're friends and Facebook friends she just asked outright, "Jill, are you lonely?" And I burst into tears (as usual) and said, "Of course I am." And she said, "I'm lonely, too. Maybe we should hang out more so we don't have to be so lonely all the time." So, I think we're going to try to establish a weekly day where we just hang out and do something- go grab a coffee, go for a drive, go on an adventure, go to the store... something. It's nice to have someone actually want to spend time with me. She has an adorable son (who is starting to call me "auntie") so it'll be nice to have him around, too. He's a sweetheart and I love my friends' kids.

This weekend my BFF is coming to visit me from L.A. I have been communicating with her fairly regularly about all this stuff, too, and I think she's really worried... worried enough to make a 4 hour drive here to see me. So, it'll be nice to see her, too.

Every once in a while, an emotion comes outta nowhere and surprises me that it's still trying to hang on, so I'm hoping that light at the end of the tunnel is just having it's bulb replaced and that I'll be seeing it soon enough.


And here I am as an adorable black cat in the 1st grade. For Halloween. I'm not some weirdo that just dresses up as a cat for no real reason (*cough*yesIam*cough*)

And this collection is why I've concluded I NEED to own a pug. Especially the Teen Wolf Pug. That was the best.
www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/costu
mes-that-prove-pugs-always-win-at-hall
oween?sub=2688717_1837265

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KUJAYHAWKGIRL 11/5/2013 3:09PM

    Sorry for the late comment but I haven't checked in on Sparkpeople and read blogs since before Halloween (pathetic) and have just been tracking from my iPhone app. I just wanted to comment on this because I really feel for you and am worried about you. There have been times in my life that I have felt very sad, overwhelmed, and alone. I just wanted to tell you, this too shall pass. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, talk to your counselor, and keep exercising (always helps me improve my frame of mind)...and at some point things WILL get better. Another thing that always helps me is FORCING myself to get out of the house! Whether it's just to take a walk, or grab coffee with a friend (old or new) - just try to get out and not be home alone as much. I know that's hard with your car situation. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. (((HUGS)))

Shannon

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/30/2013 1:08AM

    P.S. I loved your kid picture...how sweet!

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/30/2013 1:07AM

    My dear Jillybean...I have been there and I understand. And I have had the "you could have the world by the tail" comments made to me in the middle of a deep depression, that not only did not help, but I could not believe was even said! It is so hard to believe it will pass, get better, etc, but it will! You are doing great positive things...going to student counselling, reaching out to others and to find they, too, have similar feelings! You have had a number of things that have produced alot of stress in your life and it adds up!
If I can be of any help, please let me know, I am here! I know I am older but, that is why I can tell you, I get it, I have been there!
Love & Hugs,
Mary

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GREGGWEISBROD 10/29/2013 3:30PM

    It's weird, I read those 'blomics' (clever word for them) earlier this year, and although I understood what the writer was talking about, I simply was too busy laughing my ass off at her incredible humor over the whole thing. Reading through it again today though, understanding that you're going through a lot of what the blogger was describing, really moved me. It's funny that the doctor somewhat dismissed your depression as something you had control to fix... every overweight person here who struggled in deep sadness for years about their body can attest, the sadness is what handcuffs us into a general state of apathy, inactivity, a place where either we care and go insane because we can't stop ourselves... or we just stop caring altogether. So to say that we have control over it is a misrepresentation of what's actually happening. Anyways. I'm totes friending you. :-D Then I'm going to go read more of those hilarious blomics, I recall there's one that almost made me pee myself... true story. :-D

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ARUNNINGKAT 10/29/2013 2:05PM

    I feel really horrible because for some reason I didn't see this blog over the weekend and therefore did not comment. Please don't take my late comment as a lack of caring! As you probably saw from my last blog, I understand some of what you are going through. I have been there a little this past month. I wish we lived closer because I would take you out with me on one of my fall workouts in the sunshine. They do wonders for my soul! It sounds like you are on the right track. A haircut and getting some friend time is a wonderful start. And for the record, I can't believe how mean your doctor was! Hang in there girl! emoticon

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LODESTONE 10/25/2013 2:16PM

    Hope the second counselor is a better fit for you and helps you through the sadness you are feeling. Good that your haircutting friend is reaching out and you will be able to schedule some time together. kids are always a source of joy, and usually entertainment too!!!! they have such a refreshing outlook on life! Best of luck, Jill. emoticon

Black cats aren't always bad luck either....

Comment edited on: 10/25/2013 2:16:46 PM

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DSHONEYC 10/25/2013 11:26AM

    Oh, Jilly - I am so sorry to know that you are feeling all this sadness. I have been there and would encourage you to:
1. Get a 2nd opinion on depression. You sound to me like a "classic" case. No I don't have a degree, but I have had a couple of episodes of organic depression. There is medication that can help you.
and.....
2. Remember: He will never leave you.





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FEMISLIM 10/25/2013 8:21AM

    It is well with you.

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Something's Wrong

Friday, October 11, 2013

And I think it's me.

I hate to keep being such a bummer because I feel like it's not "me". I'm usually a pretty positive, laid-back, go with the flow kind of person- at least most of the time. But, the last month or so has brought me into what I initially characterized as a "funk", but now I'm worried it's something far deeper (or more serious) than that.

When I went through my last ToM, I was feeling emotionally unstable and out of control. A little research indicated, to me at least, the possibility that I was suffering from PMDD.
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/art
icle/007193.htm
(There's some info if you've never heard or don't know what symptoms are) After that, I seemed to level out a little bit, but was sure I was still suffering some sort of iron deficiency, as I was experiencing fatigue for no real reason. So, I suffered through a few days, then obtained some chicken livers, and declared myself sufficiently "ironed". Usually does the trick. And I did feel a bit better. Still not back to my usual self, but close enough. I got back on birth control to help even further and to re-shrink my ovarian cyst that likes to make an appearance every so often.

And still I feel off. I feel low. Down. So, so sad. All the time. Do I have a reason to be? Well, yeah, but still...

See, one of my bff's from my time in San Diego and I had started drifting apart. Talking less and less. Interacting on Facebook less and less. Before I knew it, we weren't talking at all. So, finally, I decided to write her a note to let her know I don't know what happened, but that I missed her. It took her almost an entire month to write me back. In fact, her opening sentence was that she didn't even bother reading my note to her until that day [that she wrote me back]. Her note back to me was long, longer than the note I had written to her. And basically, in summary, she heaped ALL the blame for our slow separation entirely on me. I'm the a$$h0le friend. It was I who stopped responding to text messages. It was I who stopped responding to Facebook posts. It was I who didn't answer phone calls or make time to Skype. It was I who canceled dinner plans when I was in town during Comic Con (not true, by the way). It was I who didn't care enough to text her when she got sick that weekend to check up on her (she posted on Facebook every day her status/symptoms and I was at a huge convention with crappy cell service). So, all this time it was my fault. Do I really think it was? No. I never once ignored any of her text messages. I may not have been able to have a full-on conversation at the time I received them, but I certainly never ignored any of them. Skype didn't work out for us the one time we tried it (my laptop is SUPER old and can't seem to handle Skype). Do I take responsibility for my share of the drifting apart? Absolutely. I could have indeed made a better effort to keep in touch. But, am I the one that's completely to blame? No, that seems unfair. And I know this logically. But, in my seemingly depressed state, I feel so much guilt I may as well bear the burden of all the blame.

And then there's that "special friend" I mentioned before... Talk about painful. During this period of time (the last month or so) he has kinda dropped off my radar. We've been friends for years. Not bff's or anything, and a good chunk of time we haven't been much more than acquaintances since I lived in San Diego and he lived here. But, we've always considered each other friends, the kind that just easily pick up where they left off as if no time has elapsed. So, when we started unofficially dating in the most casual of ways possible, it was just kinda fun and almost natural (at least from my point of view). Hell, at first I think he was more into me than I was into him. But, over the months, we spent more time together and got to know each other even more and really, really enjoyed each other's company. Then this happened: www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5486662
[Third to last paragraph- the bigger one]
After that, well... I dunno. He isn't the type of guy to let something like that bother him. In fact, he doesn't even know how I reacted to his birthday weekend. And he appeared to have a fabulous weekend/week all around to celebrate (entirely without me). So, I don't know if it's related or not, but it seemed to be a turning point. Now, I'm lucky if I can get the guy to send me more than 2 or 3 text messages in a week. He doesn't seem interested in talking to me at all, let alone spending any time with me. I know he's having a rough time at home. And his workload has increased quite exponentially. But, he won't even use me as a sounding board. And I know he talks to his other friends about stuff. He just won't talk to me at all.

I get the hint. I know I do. And I know I need to just let it go and move on, but damn is it painful. To be so rejected without closure of sorts. He could at least tell me he isn't that into me anymore. Or that he thought he liked me, but it turns out I'm an a$$h0le friend to him, too. And just when I realized how much I *really, really* liked him. I've spent the last 3 years of my life trying to shed the pain, anger, and damage from my last relationship (which was very emotionally and verbally abusive). And I was very happy to discover I was the exact opposite of what I had been told I was (by that abusive jerk). My "special friend" treated me better than I'd ever been treated in any relationship before and I didn't expect that at all. In many ways, I was taken aback by it. But, by the time of the birthday disaster (go back to that link if you don't understand that reference!) I had freed my inhibitions and opened myself up to be happy with "special friend". Maybe it was too late by then. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and he really is struggling at home and with work. But, I'm already an a$$h0le friend to one person (two if you count my old bff/roommate Mike, who I miss dearly and have deep feelings of guilt related to how we parted), so it would make sense that I f***ed up with "special friend", too. And I probably did. But, I can't get him to talk to me long enough to tell me.

Oh, and an old friend from high school passed away on Sunday. It had been years since we communicated, but when we were in school together, we had been very close. Time and distance may have taken their toll, but it was still quite painful to lose him.

Now I find myself in a constant state of stress and depression. I have no job (yes, that's my fault, too) and no money (because I have no job which is my fault) and I'm struggling in chemistry class (and to some degree medical terminology, just not bad enough to effect my grade too much- yet) and I'm a jerk. I have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I have no motivation to continue on with anything, really. I'll probably end up quitting tap dance (no money to pay for it). I have 8 weeks until my favorite 5k in San Diego and I don't even feel like training for it or even going to it.

This feels less like a funk and more like something very seriously horribly wrong.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JSPIN74 10/31/2013 10:20AM

    HUGE hugs! You're having a crappy run of it lately...so of course you feel ill. I'm sorry that everything/one is crapping on you right now (even if you feel like some of it is validly your contribution to the occurrence). I have been (we all have been) where you are right now...battling through certain days/months/relationships. I hope you keep your chin up high & keep driving towards your own vision of contentment...because if you did you will get past this "character building" (hate that term but it fits) period. MORE big hugs... emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BAREFITNESS 10/16/2013 12:59PM

    Jillybean,

What a heartbreaking experience! You sound like a wonderful person, like could be a very good friend, and have tagged yourself the a$$hole based on how other (supposed) friends have made you feel. I've learned through experience some people enter our lives and just don't know how to be a good friend. For these "friends" who turn it to be all your fault, were not friends in the first place.

This saddens my heart~I have lost an old school friend, by no fault of my own, and with little explaination. I couldn't wrap my mind around the loss and now someone close to him trying to "be my friend" is like salt in the wound. I miss talking to my friend.......

Letting go is the hard part.....as a true friend, I tend to hold on to hope. It's when holding on hurts you, it maybe time to re evaluate what the friendship was really like :( It's never easy.

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SMILINGTREE 10/14/2013 11:48AM

    As you know, these kinds of extended funks happen to me, too. It's so easy to look at all the things that are going wrong, or at all the ways you are "responsible" or whatever. I do exactly the same thing. Here are a few things that help me (sometimes):
1. Make a list of what is bothering you (my list usually includes things like "I'm out of shape" and "my house is nasty").
2. Figure out which ones you can do something about. As far as friendships go, you can only control your own reactions to things, and that seems like what you were doing with the note to your friend. You can't really control what happens with your "special friend" but you can be open and honest and available...
3. Then make another list (lists really comfort me!) of actionable steps.
4. Start knocking out the steps.

You can only do what you can do, but at the same time, we are each responsible for our own happiness. Take care of yourself, Jill, and for what it's worth, I'm really sorry to have not been in closer touch the last few weeks, when you needed friends.

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ARCHIMEDESII 10/13/2013 4:06PM

    Jilly !!

emoticon

It's no wonder your depressed and in a funk with all the emotional stress you've been experiencing this past month. We hope that our friends stay friends for life, but that isn't always the case. Relationships and friendships do change with time. people do grow apart and that really isn't a reflection on something bad that you did or didn't do. It just happens. Unfortunately, all of this seems to be happening to you at the same time.

Basically, you're getting heaped on. What to do ? I would do your best to try to focus on that chemistry class. If you feel like you're struggling, it's time to get a tutor. For years, I wouldn't go to a tutor because I thought that going to one implied that I was dumb. No, I was dumb NOT to go to a tutor. Your school should have free tutoring services as part of your tuition. Take advantage of the tutors !! They can help you get back on track in chemistry. There is still plenty of time to improve your grade.

Don't beat yourself up because your former friend blamed you for the breakup of your friendship. She obviously has her own set of issues and took out her frustrations on you. Don't take anything she said personally because she was venting. It's time to let her go and don't blame yourself. Like I said, people do grow apart. it happens.

And definitely don't blame yourself because you don't have a job. Remember, I was laid off and out of work for 9 months before I finally got this contract job. The economy is in rough shape and you're not exactly in a boom town for jobs. It's not you. it's the economy. So, stop blaming yourself because you don't have a job. There are many people in worse situations. Look at all the things that are going right in your life.

The fact is, you really have to do your best to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Focus on getting your chemistry studies. get a tutor. a good tutor can help. And an education will help you find a good job !!!

emoticon





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MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/11/2013 10:15PM

    Oh, Sweetie!
I am so, so sorry you are in such pain! You are right to feel something is wrong! You most certainly clinically depressed (I have been there and my husband is there now)! You need to seek help for that and hand in hand the PMDD. I was a woman who suffered from what then was only called PMS but it was so much more! I am sure you would benefit from medication. Are you signed up for Obamacare...I know that is Jan but can atleast help then! I am sure there is sliding scale therapy you can get, too! As for you being an Ass*hole...give yourself a break! It takes two people...and if nothing else the others involved have chosen to be non communicative and not
Being forthright in telling you the issue(s)! And that is not right! I know you are a good person...if you made mistakes anyone who is your friend owes you to tell you why, especially if you are asking! It is most important you take care of yourself right now and worry about these people when you feel strong enough to put the energy into saying, hey, I was going through some major issues (moving, job, death of your dear pet, money, etc) and if I offended you I am sorry. You do not owe more than that...if they choose to still ignore you or have no input for reuniting, then let it go and move on. You are a valuable person and you need to take care of yourself!!! I am here if I can be of any help/support!
Love & Hugs,
Mary

Comment edited on: 10/11/2013 10:19:01 PM

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ARUNNINGKAT 10/11/2013 6:08PM

    emoticon So sorry, Jill! It sounds like you have experienced more than your fair share of heartache lately. Friendships can be so complicated sometimes, and frankly it can just flat be hard to understand people at times. I hope that a little ray of sunshine pokes through the clouds very, very soon for you. In the meantime, please know that I am here for you.

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BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 10/11/2013 5:00PM

    I'm so sorry, Jill. I think you are right, it sounds like more than just a funk. I hate to hear you so low! I hope that writing everything out has helped a bit. Do you have someone that you could talk to professionally? I'm sorry about your BFF and your special friend. I kind of want to kick special friend's butt! Let me know if I can do anything.

You better come to IronGirl!! :)

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SLIMMERJESSE 10/11/2013 4:45PM

    There are times like these that seem to tidal-wave us. Honestly, I understand more than I can say here. Try not to look at the big picture, which is overwhelming. One small part at a time. Oftentimes, I've noticed that people blame me for things as an easy way out of the friendship. They don't want to be bothered with friends.

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KLONG8 10/11/2013 3:25PM

    WHOA. I just found you today and I'm so sorry you're in this funk. But I totally identified with your surprising loss of a bff. I'm in the midst of something like that but at least my friend and I have talked about it. She feels that most of the blame is me, how I've dealt with things, etc. How I screwed up 30 years ago! (Yes, we've been friends that long). When I look at what's happened I see that most of the current issues come from her withdrawing from me. After all, how many times can you invite someone to do something, and to be told no, or have to deal with a last minute cancellation before things are damaged? Anyway, I'm thinking this sounds familiar to you because you're living it too.

All I can say is that you try to own what you know is your bad but set yourself free on the points that were not your fault. And then understand (this is the hard part for me) that sometimes things change and you just have to ride that wave. I hope things get better for you...I believe they will. Take care....

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So this happened

Saturday, September 28, 2013



That left ankle hurt so bad in my tap class on Thursday, I actually cried. I think I'll be needing to switch to some flat Oxford-style tap shoes instead of my beloved character heels. So far there's only been pain. None of that weird toe numbness. The back of my ankle (behind that jutting ankle bone) is a little swollen in a spot. I've been unsuccessfully trying to RICE the beast. The resting and icing I'm having the most problems with. I'm just usually so active and on the move. Staying in one place is proving to be difficult. And icing... well, I only have two ice packs, so icing for 15-20 mins every hour is difficult in that my ice packs aren't always fully frozen again for the next go-round. Compression is fine- I can keep the beast in an elastic ACE bandage no problem. Elevation I am able to do when I'm complying with the Resting part.

As for righty, I accidentally stepped on the cat's tail yesterday. So, in his defense, it probably hurt and his reaction totally justified. In my defense, he's mostly black and was stalking the door to the room across from mine in our inky dark, windowless, almost black hardwood floored hallway, so he blended in, didn't move and I didn't see him at all. Poor thing (both him and me). He seems fine. I checked him out later. I'm "fine" except that the scratches are pretty deep and burn continually.

So, it's putting a temporary stop to my exercise routine. I may just start this whole bootcamp challenge over from the beginning. I didn't do anything this last week. Struggling with iron deficiency and probably depression this week has made life in general very difficult. I could certainly use some prayers, good vibes, happy thoughts, and some encouragement, if you have any of that to spare. Thanks.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SMILINGTREE 10/1/2013 11:39AM

    As always, I'm late. That looks terrible! I understand both about the trying to rest and about the depression - even a minor case of the blues can really make it hard to do the things you KNOW will help.

Get better, all around, soon :)

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ARUNNINGKAT 9/30/2013 12:30PM

    Oh, girl you look like you hurt. Sending happy thoughts and prayers your way! Cat scratches are the worst. Just make sure they don't get infected - that is what my MIL is always telling me. Hope you feel better very soon! emoticon

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OLIVIANIGHT 9/30/2013 7:22AM

    Aw I'm so sorry you're injured and scratched up. I hope you heal quickly and I'm sending lots of prayers your way.

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BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 9/29/2013 12:16PM

    Sending you lots of good thoughts and healing vibes, Jill! I know how hard it must be to feel so stuck. I hope the RICE-ing begins to help more. Thinking of you!

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LODESTONE 9/28/2013 7:26PM

    those are some mean looking scratches do keep them medicated boot camp will still be there when you are ready to attack again
Hugs! emoticon (helping out with a teensy pity party-- but it is over now)

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ARCHIMEDESII 9/28/2013 6:54PM

    Jilly ! IOUCH !!!

Keep putting ice on that ankle. it really will help. What to do ? Do you have any frozen bagged peas ? There is also a brand of ice pack called peas technology or something like that. It's a bag of glass beads that you freeze like a bag of regular peas. CVS has them.

Do you have a regular bag of ice ? That might work better than the solid ice packs.

Don't worry about any exercise. If you want to do something, just do some upper body strength exercises while sitting in a chair. You could just take a couple of weeks off too. Believe me, you won't derail any of your efforts at good health if you take a couple of weeks off.

emoticon


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MEWHENRYSMAMA 9/28/2013 6:30PM

    Oh Girl...sending you prayers, good vibes, happy thoughts, encouragemet, love and healing hugs! Please keep those scrathes clean and use Neosporin with pain relief!
So sorry you are laid up...and not in a good way...LOL
Hope to hear of rapid recovery soon!
Love,
Mary


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SLIMMERJESSE 9/28/2013 6:19PM

    Hope things get better for you soon. You may want to just shuffle from now on when in the dark and cat's whereabouts unknown. Like you do in the ocean to avoid stingrays.

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