Sunday, November 03, 2013
I'm thankful for what my granny refers to as my "ugly gray robe". I got this robe for Christmas several years ago and over time it has become my security blanket. I wear it year-round (yes, even on those 115 degree summer days in the desert) not for temperature regulation, but for comfort. I wrap myself in my robe and my mind becomes at ease. I almost feel naked not wearing it when I lounge around the house. Despite the fact that I'm ALWAYS wearing it, I seem to have few photos of me actually in it... Anyway, I did scrounge up one from January of this year.
My security blanket ugly gray robe is worn and, yeah, now it's ugly, but it's my favorite clothing item in the whole world.
Friday, November 01, 2013
I did this last year, too, and had some fun with it. Its always appropriate to focus on thankfulness and gratitude any time of year, but we're extra-reminded during the holidays.
In light of the recent things happening in my life and the intense depression I've been experiencing, I think I need the "30 Days of Thankful" more than ever this year. Depression is seriously soul-decaying and it makes it so difficult to see anything beyond the hopelessness, emptiness, perceived abandonment & isolation, loneliness, etc. One of the things I've been trying to do is take the focus outward instead of inward. So, we'll see if finding 30 things to be thankful for can help me get myself out of this funk in time for me to enjoy my family and friends for the holidays.
Today I am thankful for my best friend Shaina (aka Shy). We met when my mom used to take me to her mom's daycare. Of course, that's a little earlier than my memories allow. We were [unknowingly] reunited our freshman year in high school and have been BFF's ever since. Sometimes more time than we like elapses between conversations, but we always pick up and go forward. I can always count on her to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and another laugh so I'm not the only one making a fool of myself.
And after all, who else would make a 4 hour trip by car to come make sure you're okay?
Friday, October 25, 2013
So, very few developments have occurred since my last blog. Sorry. One being that the only emotion I seem capable of experiencing for the time being is sadness (with a smidge of disappointment and frustration mixed in for good measure). Sadness at everything- feeling so lonely, feeling so isolated, feeling abandoned and rejected. I have yet to go a day without weeping. For good measure I found this blog/webcomic (blomic?) that seems to kinda reflect my state of being lately:
(Oh, yeah, um... strong language warning. But, it has a purpose, it's not just for the sake of dropping f-bombs.)
Granted this person is a bit more extreme and has experienced these issues for far, far longer than I have, the "blomic" is sorta, well, me... And the rest of this blog refers to these two "blomics" so you may want to read them to understand the references. At least you'll be entertained.
I'm not suicidal, so that isn't me. Also, I haven't turned to any sort of self-abuse or self-hatred. And the day I realized I didn't have any other feelings in me (just sadness, etc.) I didn't feel liberated or invincible at all. Actually, I was sort of alarmed, but mostly just burdened by it. I know I can feel feelings because I've felt them before, and to suddenly not be able to was something terrible. I felt like an empty shell of person- a husk. Yeah, I felt like the corn husk wrapper of a delicious tamale that once had cooked masa encasing some sort of spicy meat, and if you got the *really* good tamales, a slice of potato and an unpitted green olive in there, too. That delicious inside was gone and all that remained was the useless, inedible wrapper. And it made my sadness feel more intense (probably why I can't stop crying anymore). The "blomic" said it pretty great: there's a huge difference between not giving a f*** and not being able to give a f***.
Now, before you all get to thinking I'm dooming myself and that maybe because I keep complaining about it that I really WANT to be depressed (let's face it, there are people out there that really, actually think that- but, can't you see how dead these fish are?!) I have been working on crawling my way out of this pit. I attended church for the first time in a long time on Sunday and found the experience favourable. If I had feelings to feel I'd have likely enjoyed it. I plan to go back. I've spent a lot of time in meditation and prayer. And, my friend Leah (SPRING4FAL) has been wonderful and emailing me regularly... we've been sort of doing our own little Bible study so to speak between us. I have found this to be very comforting, if not for the things I know I'm capable of and that God knows I'm capable of, but at the most basic level for having someone care enough to reach out to me in such a big way.
I also went to my general practitioner this past week, and while she doesn't seem to think my problem is, erm... "real depression"? I guess... I'm not sure how to say it... basically she believes my sadness is due to a series of situations that I have control over and that I'm fully able to control my emotions and change my situation to pull myself out of this "funk". She kept saying it's a "personality problem" which I know logically she meant it's something that I'm in control of and can change- but, when worded that way just made it sound like she thought I'm some sort of jerkface a-hole that repels people in my life and it's my own fault I'm depressed. And I did make an effort to fix a few of the things that have occurred recently that have contributed [back on birth control, reached out to my friend, attempted to reestablish regular communication with "special friend"] Not much I can do beyond that.
Luckily I'm smart enough to realize she's a general practitioner/internist, so psychology would not be her area of expertise. So, I went to my school psychologist the next day. Thanks to the student health fees we're all required to pay every semester no matter what, even if we have our own health coverage, the counseling services at school are "free" for enrolled students. They're just meant for short-term counseling, really, but at least it's a start. I was very comfortable with the counselor there and she really wants me to come back. Since her area of specialty IS psych related, she was a little more kind in her initial impressions of me. Of course, she won't be diagnosing me with anything or making any assumptions until after a much deeper, thorough assessment, so I'll be seeing her regularly the rest of the semester.
In the meantime, chemistry still stresses me out. Medical terminology is interesting for like 5 minutes and then I get pretty bored. I should have done an online class for that.
Today I got a haircut. It had been a really long time since I did and feeling like a shaggy, overgrown mullet-coiffed Sasquatch was certainly not helping my sadness. I'm lucky to have a friend that cuts my hair and not just someone at a salon. So, I got my haircut and instantly felt a little boost (she told me, if you can't change your mood, change your hair- and it's SO TRUE). And of course, I had casually mentioned I was down and since we're friends and Facebook friends she just asked outright, "Jill, are you lonely?" And I burst into tears (as usual) and said, "Of course I am." And she said, "I'm lonely, too. Maybe we should hang out more so we don't have to be so lonely all the time." So, I think we're going to try to establish a weekly day where we just hang out and do something- go grab a coffee, go for a drive, go on an adventure, go to the store... something. It's nice to have someone actually want to spend time with me. She has an adorable son (who is starting to call me "auntie") so it'll be nice to have him around, too. He's a sweetheart and I love my friends' kids.
This weekend my BFF is coming to visit me from L.A. I have been communicating with her fairly regularly about all this stuff, too, and I think she's really worried... worried enough to make a 4 hour drive here to see me. So, it'll be nice to see her, too.
Every once in a while, an emotion comes outta nowhere and surprises me that it's still trying to hang on, so I'm hoping that light at the end of the tunnel is just having it's bulb replaced and that I'll be seeing it soon enough.
And here I am as an adorable black cat in the 1st grade. For Halloween. I'm not some weirdo that just dresses up as a cat for no real reason (*cough*yesIam*cough*)
And this collection is why I've concluded I NEED to own a pug. Especially the Teen Wolf Pug. That was the best.
Friday, October 11, 2013
And I think it's me.
I hate to keep being such a bummer because I feel like it's not "me". I'm usually a pretty positive, laid-back, go with the flow kind of person- at least most of the time. But, the last month or so has brought me into what I initially characterized as a "funk", but now I'm worried it's something far deeper (or more serious) than that.
When I went through my last ToM, I was feeling emotionally unstable and out of control. A little research indicated, to me at least, the possibility that I was suffering from PMDD.
icle/007193.htm (There's some info if you've never heard or don't know what symptoms are) After that, I seemed to level out a little bit, but was sure I was still suffering some sort of iron deficiency, as I was experiencing fatigue for no real reason. So, I suffered through a few days, then obtained some chicken livers, and declared myself sufficiently "ironed". Usually does the trick. And I did feel a bit better. Still not back to my usual self, but close enough. I got back on birth control to help even further and to re-shrink my ovarian cyst that likes to make an appearance every so often.
And still I feel off. I feel low. Down. So, so sad. All the time. Do I have a reason to be? Well, yeah, but still...
See, one of my bff's from my time in San Diego and I had started drifting apart. Talking less and less. Interacting on Facebook less and less. Before I knew it, we weren't talking at all. So, finally, I decided to write her a note to let her know I don't know what happened, but that I missed her. It took her almost an entire month to write me back. In fact, her opening sentence was that she didn't even bother reading my note to her until that day [that she wrote me back]. Her note back to me was long, longer than the note I had written to her. And basically, in summary, she heaped ALL the blame for our slow separation entirely on me. I'm the a$$h0le friend. It was I who stopped responding to text messages. It was I who stopped responding to Facebook posts. It was I who didn't answer phone calls or make time to Skype. It was I who canceled dinner plans when I was in town during Comic Con (not true, by the way). It was I who didn't care enough to text her when she got sick that weekend to check up on her (she posted on Facebook every day her status/symptoms and I was at a huge convention with crappy cell service). So, all this time it was my fault. Do I really think it was? No. I never once ignored any of her text messages. I may not have been able to have a full-on conversation at the time I received them, but I certainly never ignored any of them. Skype didn't work out for us the one time we tried it (my laptop is SUPER old and can't seem to handle Skype). Do I take responsibility for my share of the drifting apart? Absolutely. I could have indeed made a better effort to keep in touch. But, am I the one that's completely to blame? No, that seems unfair. And I know this logically. But, in my seemingly depressed state, I feel so much guilt I may as well bear the burden of all the blame.
And then there's that "special friend" I mentioned before... Talk about painful. During this period of time (the last month or so) he has kinda dropped off my radar. We've been friends for years. Not bff's or anything, and a good chunk of time we haven't been much more than acquaintances since I lived in San Diego and he lived here. But, we've always considered each other friends, the kind that just easily pick up where they left off as if no time has elapsed. So, when we started unofficially dating in the most casual of ways possible, it was just kinda fun and almost natural (at least from my point of view). Hell, at first I think he was more into me than I was into him. But, over the months, we spent more time together and got to know each other even more and really, really enjoyed each other's company. Then this happened: www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5486662 [Third to last paragraph- the bigger one]
After that, well... I dunno. He isn't the type of guy to let something like that bother him. In fact, he doesn't even know how I reacted to his birthday weekend. And he appeared to have a fabulous weekend/week all around to celebrate (entirely without me). So, I don't know if it's related or not, but it seemed to be a turning point. Now, I'm lucky if I can get the guy to send me more than 2 or 3 text messages in a week. He doesn't seem interested in talking to me at all, let alone spending any time with me. I know he's having a rough time at home. And his workload has increased quite exponentially. But, he won't even use me as a sounding board. And I know he talks to his other friends about stuff. He just won't talk to me at all.
I get the hint. I know I do. And I know I need to just let it go and move on, but damn is it painful. To be so rejected without closure of sorts. He could at least tell me he isn't that into me anymore. Or that he thought he liked me, but it turns out I'm an a$$h0le friend to him, too. And just when I realized how much I *really, really* liked him. I've spent the last 3 years of my life trying to shed the pain, anger, and damage from my last relationship (which was very emotionally and verbally abusive). And I was very happy to discover I was the exact opposite of what I had been told I was (by that abusive jerk). My "special friend" treated me better than I'd ever been treated in any relationship before and I didn't expect that at all. In many ways, I was taken aback by it. But, by the time of the birthday disaster (go back to that link if you don't understand that reference!) I had freed my inhibitions and opened myself up to be happy with "special friend". Maybe it was too late by then. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and he really is struggling at home and with work. But, I'm already an a$$h0le friend to one person (two if you count my old bff/roommate Mike, who I miss dearly and have deep feelings of guilt related to how we parted), so it would make sense that I f***ed up with "special friend", too. And I probably did. But, I can't get him to talk to me long enough to tell me.
Oh, and an old friend from high school passed away on Sunday. It had been years since we communicated, but when we were in school together, we had been very close. Time and distance may have taken their toll, but it was still quite painful to lose him.
Now I find myself in a constant state of stress and depression. I have no job (yes, that's my fault, too) and no money (because I have no job which is my fault) and I'm struggling in chemistry class (and to some degree medical terminology, just not bad enough to effect my grade too much- yet) and I'm a jerk. I have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I have no motivation to continue on with anything, really. I'll probably end up quitting tap dance (no money to pay for it). I have 8 weeks until my favorite 5k in San Diego and I don't even feel like training for it or even going to it.
This feels less like a funk and more like something very seriously horribly wrong.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
That left ankle hurt so bad in my tap class on Thursday, I actually cried. I think I'll be needing to switch to some flat Oxford-style tap shoes instead of my beloved character heels. So far there's only been pain. None of that weird toe numbness. The back of my ankle (behind that jutting ankle bone) is a little swollen in a spot. I've been unsuccessfully trying to RICE the beast. The resting and icing I'm having the most problems with. I'm just usually so active and on the move. Staying in one place is proving to be difficult. And icing... well, I only have two ice packs, so icing for 15-20 mins every hour is difficult in that my ice packs aren't always fully frozen again for the next go-round. Compression is fine- I can keep the beast in an elastic ACE bandage no problem. Elevation I am able to do when I'm complying with the Resting part.
As for righty, I accidentally stepped on the cat's tail yesterday. So, in his defense, it probably hurt and his reaction totally justified. In my defense, he's mostly black and was stalking the door to the room across from mine in our inky dark, windowless, almost black hardwood floored hallway, so he blended in, didn't move and I didn't see him at all. Poor thing (both him and me). He seems fine. I checked him out later. I'm "fine" except that the scratches are pretty deep and burn continually.
So, it's putting a temporary stop to my exercise routine. I may just start this whole bootcamp challenge over from the beginning. I didn't do anything this last week. Struggling with iron deficiency and probably depression this week has made life in general very difficult. I could certainly use some prayers, good vibes, happy thoughts, and some encouragement, if you have any of that to spare. Thanks.
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