Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Since we last visited the mind of Jillybean, some things have shifted a little. I think my cousinís upcoming nuptials have been processed and accepted. Iím excited for Frank to be a part of my family. He really is a cool guy. I may be a single crazy cat lady spinster for the rest of my life, but at least Iíll be an educated one. Iím still not finding much comfort in that. Iím still feeling lonely and sad about being lonely. But, Iím too distracted by school and church and other activities to really dwell on it. I donít really feel like thatís a good thing, but it is what it is. At least for now.
It was a bit of a rocky weekend. My mom got into a minor car accident on Thursday. She was stopped at an intersection at a red light and some distracted kid rear-ended her, pushing our car into the car in front of her. So, the car that was already embarrassing and a pain to drive is in even worse shape. And still drivable because that car JUST WONíT F***ING DIE! I hate that car. The trunk no longer latches thanks to it being smashed inward, so itís loosely bungee corded. It bounces up and down constantly since big cars are really jiggly on crappy roads. I canít wash it since the passenger window doesnít roll up and now the trunk doesnít latch. We have two huge mesquite trees in the front that cover the driveway where the car gets parked. Itís like a bird haven up in those branches and they leave their gross marks literally all over the car. Itís pretty humiliating to be behind the wheel now. I do get stares- Iíve seen people stare at the massive pile of crap car as I drive by. Iím not imagining it. Iíve never felt so poor, so humiliated, so white trash in all my life. It just picks at my soul little by little. I also feel like there is nothing I can do about it. People always tell me to be grateful I even have something to drive, but seriously, itís easy for them to say because they donít have to drive it. Thereís no a/c in it and I live in a DESERT. Its 100*F outside with 38% humidity. The only reason itís that low is because we have possibility of rain forecast today, so some clouds are blocking out the sun periodically! Normally its 104-108 this time of year. Oh, and the humidity is supposed to be way, way up later. But, yeah, at least itís a set of wheels. Eff that. Iím all out of gratitude when it comes to that car.
"Hate" doesn't seem like a strong enough word for the animosity I have toward this car.
Saturday night I ended up in the ER with yet another UTI. It had been a while since Iíd last had one. I was done and all in about 2 hours. But, my stubborn old lady mom never got checked out after the accident and was experiencing some back, hip, shoulder, and ankle pain by then. So, I made her check in and get looked at. That took almost 7 hours. We didnít get home until after midnight (WAY WAY passed my bedtime!) and by the 5th or 6th hour of waiting, my mom and I were about to kill each other. She wouldnít stop b!tching about having to wait and I wouldnít stop telling her to stop b!tching. I mean, HELLO! I could have gone home 4 Ĺ hours ago. Turns out sheís fine. Just some contusions and strains. No broken anything.
Of course, I live in a small area and totally forgot how many people I knew in this part of the ER. You know, people that have to be up in your business Ďcuz itís their job. The first person I encountered was actually in triage that day. My ex-boyfriend! Luckily, Iím still friends with him, but there was NO WAY I was going to step on the scale for him to record that in my chart. I told the other guy my weight verbally when he was distracted. But, it didnít really feel awesome to tell him I was there for a UTI. My ex is a sweetheart, though, and would come in to check on me periodically throughout my stay. Later, this other guy, whom Iíve had a crush on for FOREVER was on the swing shift. My mom had told me a little earlier that I smelled like garlic (I had Italian food earlier in the day) so this gorgeous specimen of a man gives me a hug and asks me if Iím alright, and all I can think is, ďHot Guy knows I smell like garlic.Ē *sad trombone* He was working with the isolation cases that day, though, so he swung by to check on me also when he could. I felt well cared for.
Anyhow, earlier that day I went to a bridal shower for a friend from church. Sheís actually marrying an old friend of mine from high school. We had a blast!!! There were games to play, food to eat, people to joke with, and tequila to sample. I have yet to lose the toilet paper wedding dress game. This is my 3rd win!!! WOO! It was a very nice time. I canít wait for the actual wedding (in two weeks!) But, then, the pictures of that day came out. And, as my friend SMILINGTREE said in one of her recent blogs, cameras donít lie. Now, I knew I had gained some weight. Iím not stupid. My clothes are getting tighter. My energy level sucks. Even my brain isnít functioning optimally. And that stupid ovarian cyst constantly hurts. So, I was preparing myself to confront the damage at some soon-ish point and face the music. Holey rusted metal, Batman! I didnít really think it would be soÖ visible. Noticeable. Obvious. I look absolutely HUGE. I couldnít stand to look at myself in these photos. Iím still too shocked by them to feel sad or angry yet. Maybe that will come later. All I can say isÖ DAMN. Itís time to get back on the horse. Itís time to ford the river. Itís time to hunt squirrel. Itís time to not die of dysentery.
And to just add salt to that wound, I finally faced it and stepped on the scale. Since Iíd last weighed in sometime in the middle of May, Iíve gained 9lbs. And every. Single. Pound. Shows. Iím less than 20lbs from my highest ever weight. And that is totally not okay. That stops now.
Every. Single. Pound. Not cool.
Happily, that savings goal I had been working toward was finally achieved. Little by little (and I do mean little- $1 here, $3 there) I saved up $110 for the Fitbit Flex that Iíve been wanting. It took literally almost a year! Iíd save less than $10 each month, so it took quite a while! But, Iíve made it and now I can get my Flex! YAY! Iím hoping that itíll add to my motivation to get back on track with my health. Plus, it coincidentally (or not soÖ?) coincides with the beginning of my health ministry. I need to lead by example, so thatís another set of motivation. More than anything, though, I donít want to be heavy and I want to be healthy. Itís time to work on that.
Soon, my sweet. Soon.
Let's end this blog on a positive.
Yummy food! Whipped out the bamboo steamer for BBQ pork buns. Grilled baby bok choy basted in a sweet marinade. Pea shoot and enoki mushroom salad in an improvised vinaigrette. Ridiculously delicious and healthy (mostly).
Kyle thinks he's helping me study. He's really not.
Boredom today. Total boredom.
Sunday, September 07, 2014
This last week (including last weekend) has been a little tough. I guess I'm already feeling the school stress hit because I haven't really been sleeping that well. All last weekend I got only a few hours of sleep each night. By the time Tuesday hit for my anatomy/physiology exam, I was a walking zombie. And it really, REALLY reflected on the grade I got. Even things that I know, things I donít even have to think about, I answered incorrectly- or left blank- on the test. My poor brain was just too tired to bring the answer to the surface. So, call that test a big, fat F. I did better on my chemistry exam on Friday, but I still didnít do that great. Iíll be lucky if I got a C. Chemistry is going to be difficult because I just donít think in numbers. I donít think in significant figures or scientific notation. That appears to be a huge bulk of it.
Anyhow, Iíve had some other news come up recently, not really related to me, that kinda rocked my lilí world all of a sudden. My cousin is getting married. Thing is, I didnít really know she was in a relationship officially. This is the cousin who leads the womenís bible study and is helping me get my own ministry started. The one I speak to on a near-daily basis! And I just had no idea. I was totally blindsided by the news. Of course, Iím super happy for her and Iím excited to have her fiancť join our family. I do know him and he is totally awesome! I am genuinely stoked about their union. It was just a surprise that I needed time to absorb.
But, like any good world-rocking shock to the system, itís prompted some thoughtsÖ about myselfÖ not many of them good. And, yes, I know better than to compare my journey to others. Iím trying not to. Perhaps itís been my lack of sleep, stress from school, stress from my home life, and a whole multitude of other crap, but I ended up turning the magnifying glass at myself. See, this event means Iím the last in my family unattached. There are only two of us grandkids (out of 10) that are married. My cousin will make the 3rd, but the rest are in long-term relationships. Iím the 3rd oldest. All of my closest friends have either gotten married, are currently engaged, or had children. My best friend from UCSD and I are literally the last ones.
Iím 31 years-old, single, no prospects on the horizon, and still going to school. Itís really starting to feel like there is something wrong with me. I just really wish I knew what it was so I could fix it. What makes the opposite sex find me so unattractive? And I donít necessarily mean physically. What character flaw do I have that needs to be worked on? Am I doomed to never find someone, settle down, have children? Am I going to be a crazy cat lady spinster? What is it about me that made that last guy not want to be with me? Or the one(s) before him?
Iíve never had a problem being single before. In fact, I was always very happily unattached. It has only been within the last few years or so that it started to get to be bothersome. I want companionship, a partner. I want children someday and I donít want to be an older mom (too late!). I feel like Iím missing that part of my life. It feels empty and lonely. It makes me feel defective in some way. It makes me feel very sad. And like a total loser.
So, needless to say, this week has been a struggle, mostly emotionally. Iím putting on my happy face just to get through the day, but really I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. And also be lazy. Iíd really like a day to just stay in my jammy-jams, watch Netflix for 18 hours, and gorge myself on popcorn. Even my day trip to the beach last weekend was exhausting. I am so exhausted from being so busy with school and my normal, daily life. And, ya know, from not sleeping. September is packed full of activity, though. Iíll be attending a bridal shower, a womenís conference, and a wedding, all in 3 weekends in a row. Ah, wellÖ thereís always October. Hahaha!
I didnít mean to be such a bummer, but I had to get some of that out of my head and onto ďpaperĒ. Iíll make it up to you with some photos:
Torrey Pines beach. Beautiful.
I tried to rest and relax on the beach. Didn't really work out.
Kyle didn't want me to do my homework.
Oh, Louis! Such a weirdo!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
I'll include another graphic photo at the bottom.
So, I took the stitches out of my thumb myself (or rather, my mom did it). Wholly guacamole did it hurt! Not the removal part, but getting the scissors under the stitches to snip them was super painful. Anyhoo, they're out and the thumb is looking good. It's healing really nicely and is physically almost done repairing. The surface, mostly epidermal layers, are still cracked open and not fused back together. The funny Frankensteiny dots where the stitches were in my skin are still visible, too. I was hoping to be further along in being able to use my thumb, but with our fingers so highly innervated, its still super sore! I'm keeping it wrapped up still just for the cushioning. Which has sort of made my first week at school a little challenging.
I'm taking the second semester of anatomy & physiology. Everyone had me so afraid of that class. And maybe it is something to be stressed out about... but, so far I'm not finding it to be any more work or any more intimidating than the first semester was. Maybe I'll be singing a different tune later on? Anyway, I do find this material interesting, so I'm looking forward to the class. I like the group I'm in for the lab portion of the class. Which is really good because this semester involves fetal pig dissection (gross!) and human cadaver observation (extra gross!). I can trust my partner to catch me when I pass out. Hahaha! No, but really...
I'm also taking inorganic chemistry I. This class has me absolutely terrified. I'm not good at math, I'm not good at science, and I very much struggle in both. My friend is going to be a tutor at our tutoring center, so I'll have some help. However, he doesn't know much about inorganic chemistry because he didn't need it for organic chemistry (the class I *really* need!). At my school, and a lot of community colleges in this state, require inorganic chemistry (I & II) as prerequisites for organic chemistry (which sadly, my college doesn't even offer!). At major universities, however, organic and inorganic chemistry are not prereqs for each other and are treated separately and differently... because they ARE separate and different! Frustrating, to say the least. If I could just take organic chemistry and bio chem, I could be ready to apply to my master's degree program already.
Anyway, inorganic chem involves quite a bit of math. And chemicals that can do some bodily damage. Its going to be an intensive class. So, as hard as I'm trying not to be, I'm totally intimidated. I'm very nervous about how this class will be going for me. I don't think in numbers and concepts.
So, since having a bunk thumb, things on the homefront have deteriorated. My kitchen is an absolute pigsty. I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm really not. There is not one clean dish in my house (except for the bowl, plate, spoon, and fork I'm keeping in my room so I do have something clean to eat on). Most of it has been piled up on the counters, the stove, the FLOOR, inside the oven (still dirty), in the sink (both sides) since sometime in early/mid July. And NO ONE, not a single person in my family, has made any attempt at all to do anything about it. They are all waiting for ME to get better to do it- all by myself. I'm cleaning up after 4 grown adults without anyone to help me. It is so absolutely effing disgusting in there, I'm going to have to bleach everything. Literally! I'm going to have to add bleach to the dish water, bleach the counters, the filthy floors, the stove. I'm going to have to run the clean cycle on the oven in the middle of summer. I am so demoralized and resentful of my family. My pleas for help in this area fall on deaf ears. I shouldn't even have to ask for help. The adults in my family should be adult enough to take initiative to get that sh!t done! I don't know what else to do. I'm at the end. I can't wait to move out on my own and only have to deal with my own b.s. I have 2 more years before than can happen, though. I hope I can survive until then.
In the meantime, I'm eating like garbage because there is no one cooking anything. I can't cook anything lefty (I've tried a few times to disastrous results) and I can't use a knife lefty to prepare anything. So, we're relying on processed food and fast food for meals. I'm not exercising because it's still 110*F+ outside (and still in the upper 90's at midnight- I hate living in the desert!) and my treadmill is buried by 2 feet of someone's junk and a couch shoved up against it in my living room. My sewing machine and table are still set up in my room, so that's all the space I had. If I had my right hand available, things in this area would be a little different.
Hopefully, I can have my hand back by September 9. I'm starting a health/nutrition ministry at my church then. We're doing a jump-start/introduction to the ministry by following the Daniel Plan with the women's group. I have already read the book and material. Based on the classes I've taken and what I've learned about nutrition, it's pretty solid in that area. There were a few things- minor- that I didn't agree with, but it was overall pretty dead-on. I was skeptical at first, but ended up being pleasantly surprised. I'm excited to get it going. I like the intersections of faith and health involved with the plan. It is designed in such a way to be fairly universal. Rick Warren is way more conservative and evangelical than my own walk of faith is, but I found the Daniel Plan to be even compatible with my progressive and liberal beliefs. I'll keep you all abreast of how its going once we get it launched.
Anyway, if ya'll would keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers, sending good vibes my way, I'd appreciate it. I'm struggling a bit.
I haven't taken any pics lately, but here's the one graphic one of the ol' thumb's healing process.
WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT
Friday, August 08, 2014
Okay, so I havenĎt given a proper update in some time. I apologize for that, but as I said in my latest status, my poor body has been through the ringer!
I finished off my microbio class with a hard-earned A! It took some fighting, and Iím not sure the guy was totally honest to the rest of the class, or to me, but it worked out to my benefit. See, some afternoons when there was nothing left to do for the day except kill time, heíd talk to us about what we were doing in his class- why were we taking microbio? I told him my whole story and why I needed an A in his class. So, by the end of the class he said he would use our lab notebook, if we did a good job and actually turned one in, to make up any 5 pt. deficit we may have encountered for the next grade up. The last day of class he graded our finals immediately if we wanted to stick around and find out how we did. While he was at it, he totaled up our final grades for the class. Somehow, by some miracle, I ended up EXACTLY 5pts shy of an A. So, he factored in 5 additional points because my lab notebook was so badass, bringing my grade up to the next tier. What are the chances of that actually being the case? I think pretty slim. I think he knew I needed the grade, had earned a B, but worked really, really hard, and gave me the A and just told me I was 5 points shy. Either way, I appreciate the A.
Immediately after class ended, I began prepping for Comic-Con. For some odd reason summer school ended on a Wednesday and con was immediately the following Thursday. I had less than 12 hours to prepare. Needless to say, I really wasnít prepared. I had all my outfits planned and knew Iíd be crashing at the broís place. That was it, though. I hadnít thought about food, money, schwag, nothing. I got up to San Deezy a little later than I wanted on Thursday, but it worked out okay. I was supposed to donate blood, like I do every year, but it turns out my caffeine addiction, mixed with my asthma meds, really did a number on my heart rate. It was actually scary for me to be calm, relaxed, not at all out of breath, and to have my pulse be 107! Normally itís in the mid-70s. Yeah, not good. And I couldnít do anything about it yet. I mean, the next 3 days were defined by 3-4 hours of sleep per night, venti Americanos, and sh*tty stale nachos that cost me $8. Iím hardcore when it comes to Con. Iíll sleep when itís over! Iíll eat when I can! Etc . I even partially camped out one night. I had a blast, all in all! I got to see my buddies, had dinner at my favorite San Diego restaurant, went for a short zipline excursionÖ It was a great time! The best part, though, was getting to hang out with my brother. We had dinner Friday night. And Sunday night I decided to stay and leave Monday morning. I needed to sleep before driving two hours through the mountains to get home. We went to dinner again, got some froyo, and settled in at his place to watch part of The Stand. We both fell asleep before we got too far into it. It was cool. He had come down a few times while I had summer school, so I didnít get to spend any time with him. We always have a nice time when we get to chill. Anyway, Iíll just let the photos I took at Comic-Con do the rest of the talkingÖ Also, I'm only posting highlights. If you want to see all the rest of the fun look me up on Instagram: llij1983 or catch me on Facebook.
When I got home, I decided to deal with the caffeine problem. Tuesday I went cold turkey. I did fine most of the day, just a little fatigue. But, by mid-afternoon, the raging headache showed up! As expected. I took some ibuprofen, which seemed to do absolutely nothing, and increased my water intake. The headache lasted until about Thursday morning. The fatigue stuck around and seemed to get worse. I can say I havenít had a drop of caffeine in more than a week! Turns out the fatigue was unrelated. Some evil PMS, which is increasingly taking its toll on my body. I havenít been on meds for it in almost two months. The pain in July was so bad, I actually physically looked sick. My microbio instructor and everyone in my class asked me if I was okay. I was pale, in so much pain, and that damn cyst had definitely come back. I couldnít stand or walk upright as much as I tried. I left class immediately after finishing up my lab (luckily just observing some results). This month is a repeat of that. The pain is so ridiculous Iíve been taking my Motrin 600s. Iím working on insurance or Medi-Cal or whatever so I can get back on meds ASAP. In my case, it is a matter of life or potential death. The cyst is huge- tennis ball sized, and I run the risk of it bursting or causing my fallopian tube to twist (known as torsion) which as I understand is the most intense pain I would have ever felt at this point in my life.
Speaking of crappy medical issuesÖ Iíll explain the stitches now. I was getting ready for church on Sunday morning when I had the misfortune of having one of those super clumsy days. After brushing my teeth, I set my electric toothbrush, with its almost pointless cover on, on top of my clothing pile. It slipped off, the cover popped off, and the damn brush landed bristle-side down on the floorÖ which happened to have a few stray granules of kitty litter on it. Talk about disgusting! I was totally grossed out. I picked up the brush to examine it and sure enough there was a clump sticking to the bristles. Knowing me, I would forget the whole incident and try using it again. To prevent that, I immediately went about removing the head to replace it. Well, unfortunately, I could not find the little tool that allows you to replace it quickly, easily, and safely. So, I started jimmying it as best I could. I got the head off in one quick unexpected motion, using mostly brute force, and before I could blink, my hand was covered in blood and it was dripping down into my lap. I got up and ran out of my room to get my mom. I rinsed off my hand in the kitchen sink, which was pointless Ďcuz the blood was a-gushing! I dripped blood EVERYWHERE! It was all over my house. And my room. And then my momís room. We couldnít get the bleeding to stop. It was a pretty deep, clean slice. So, off to the ER we went. It was in and out of there in less than an hour and a half! First time getting stitches. The worst part was the shot of lido in the thumb. As if it didnít hurt enough! They gave me a Percocet for the pain, which was actually a terrible thing for me. I donít do well with strong medications. I needed to go to the pharmacy (Target is my fave) for more pain meds and antibiotics. I was sitting down on a bench waiting for my stuff to be filled and all of a sudden I got mega diaphoretic. I mean, my pores opened up and I was literally dripping with sweat. My clothes got soaked, my hair got soakedÖ I got so hot, I thought I was going to pass out. My mom got a wet paper towel from the pharmacy and cooled me off and wiped me down. The pharmacist brought me a cup of water. They got me a wheelchair to ride out on. Unfortunately, you need a RIGHT THUMB to operate it efficiently! THANKS! I donít have a right thumb for the next 10 days.
I also had a terrible reaction to the Norco, which I thought Iíd taken before with no problems. It made me feel weak and shaky and borderline nauseated. Then, I had to take my antibiotics on an empty stomach. Only my stomach didnít dig that and I spent all of my Monday morning throwing up the NOTHING that was in my tummy. I forgot how painful dry heaves are. I can take them now with food, just no dairy or iron supplements or vitamins. Total pain in the ass. But, at least Iím not nauseated or puking anymore. I have just stuck to ibuprofen for pain management. I also have some stuff for nausea. Doing good. Stitches should come out on Wednesday.
Okay, so, how have you all been?
E. coli growing in EMB agar. My final project.
Shirt Day 1- cut off sleeve seams and cut neckline asymmetrically. Left edges raw.
Shirt Day 2- removed collar and created gathered off-shoulder collar with elastic. Added glitter to superheroes.
Shirt Day 3- not really a shirt. A short "body con" dress that I wore with jeggings.
Shirt Day 4- took an oversized 2XL boxy t-shirt and removed the collar and hem. Added a new boatneck collar and thicker bottom hem using the leftover scraps. Created a fitted, but loose side seam and sleeves to make a cute, stylish, comfortable dolman.
Hall H buddies... missing Jimmy. You get to know the folks around you when you camp out for 12+ hours together.
I got to be Batman on a zipline for 15 seconds. It was awesome!
And now a few highlights of my experience:
WARNING WARNING WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING WARNING WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING WARNING WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING WARNING WARNING
Yup. That hurt.
To apologize for the above photo, here's an adorable cat photo:
They missed me while I was gone.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
Well, I'm a bit more than halfway through my super intense microbiology class. The truth is that is all I've been able to do lately. Class for 7 hours, homework every night, and weekends for studying. I mean, a big exam every week means constant time studying. And I needed to ramp up my studying because I failed the first two tests so far. Yeah.... Super hard. However, I am enjoying the class. Its challenging, my brain feels like its constantly stimulated, and I'm definitely learning a lot. Dunno how it'll tie into nutrition yet, but I'll do what I gotta do.
Sadly, I am losing my priority registration for the upcoming semester. That is actually pretty devastating considering the only classes I have left to take are in high demand and are really difficult to get in to. Registration started today for those with priority and I don't get to register until the 17th. That leaves my chances pretty slim. I'm going to email the professors of the classes and see what they suggest. Hopefully there is something they can do.
As for my home situation, I've completely checked out for the time being. The first week of class this summer I cooked dinner every night (except Tuesday, my Bible study night) and cleaned the kitchen by myself. That contributed a great deal to why I failed the first test in my class. I was so frustrated and upset, I vented to my mom about it. She was the second person to tell me to check out. My grandma told me to before class even started. Anyway, my mom said everything I already complain about: everyone is a fully capable adult that should have the sense of responsibility and the initiative to help me and they choose not to (herself included, which she fully admits to). So, in her words "f*** it! F*** the rest of us! You gotta do what you gotta do to secure your future!" So, I took her advice. I haven't stepped foot in the kitchen to cook or clean. It is a disgusting disaster zone in there. I think having it be so disgusting is stressing me out just as much as me having to do all the work and upkeep myself. I'm not really sure what to do about it.
Also, we got a new refrigerator on Monday of last week and guess who it was left up to to set up? You betcha. It took me almost 5 days to slowly find the time to transfer the stuff from the old fridge to the new fridge. And both fridges are still in my kitchen, which as you can imagine, takes up a ridiculous amount of space and defeats the power saving capabilities of getting a new fridge. Yeesh! While there are still things in the old one, they are things that just need to get thrown out. I suppose I'll have to take care of that sometime soon, too, so it can be moved out of the house. In retrospect, I wish we'd have gotten a new dishwasher instead!
As for my 38 day challenge to eat as clean as possible, I'm doing okay. I've admittedly been faltering lately, but with the addition of the fridge and the lack of clean dishes to cook with AND eat with, I've not been paying that close of attention. I do pretty decently most of the time, though. I still make the majority of my lunches clean (maybe 1 day out of the week its less-than-clean). When I do eat breakfast, which admittedly I don't do very often, I make that clean also. Those delicious Starbucks Doubleshots (NOT the energy drink ones) end up being my breakfast most days. Those are pretty clean, too, so I accept them. Dinner is where things get murky. Since I refuse to cook and it seems that everyone else does, too, we rely on fast food or processed food for most dinners, especially lately. Maybe that will change soon, maybe it won't. Trying not to let it be my problem.
Beyond that, there isn't much else to tell. I didn't celebrate Independence Day because I was studying. I didn't hit up any good 4th of July sales because I was studying. I decided not to go to the Kiss/Def Leppard concert I was supposed to go to in San Diego on Sunday night because I was studying. It paid off, though. I got a B+ on the test. Seriously only 1/2 a point away from an A. So unfair!
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