Tuesday, September 16, 2014
I know I should be proud with how far I've come but I feel that things can always be better. I suppose that's what motivates me to move forward in whatever I want to accomplish. Unfortunately, not everyone around me is a positive influence.
I went to a bridal shower on Sunday for my mom's friend's daughter. I grew up with her and her sister and we were always pretty close. Things change over time and we all grew apart....I'm married, have a house, plus have dealt with many struggles in the past that have gotten in the way of friendships.
I'm quite an introvert, not very social so being at that bridal shower was very awkward for me. I went because a. I was invited and b. the bride-to-be is a very sweet girl and I wanted to be there since her mom and older sister came to my bridal shower. Her sister and I used to be pretty close, I have no idea what happened. Her and her MOM seem to dislike me.
I remember seeing her after I reconnected with her through facebook. It was maybe ten years since I've seen her last and obviously a lot has changed. I was no longer a size 8 for one, I didn't have a job, lived at home and was dealing with many issues at the time.
I wanted to get out more and I really wanted a friendship to come out of this.
Seeing her mom after all those years was the worst experience ever. First, she made an extremely rude comment about my weight and then about me not working. I was so affected by this I wanted to cry and almost immediately found an excuse to go home.
See, I've struggled with anorexia at age 13 for a short time before that turning to excessive exercise (a form of bulimia) and then started to vomit my meals until I turned 23. I haven't binged and purged since and I'm so proud of that. Of course, I put on a lot of weight almost immediately afterwards. I think I went from 160 to maybe a little over 190 in just a few months. All I did was eat while struggling with depression on top of all this. So , yes, it was a very difficult time for me.
I'm proud to say I've come this far mostly because I wanted to but my mom was my only support. I had noone and that was hard but I suppose it has made me stronger in many ways. I have one good friend right now and honestly I'll take that any day then a bunch of fake friends who would never be there for me.
Going back to the bridal shower, my mom and I were mostly ignored by the bride-to-be's mother and older sister but we sat at a table with a good group of people that we got along with well.
I'm almost 5 foot 9 and about 207 now and I definitely don't look it, most of it is muscle. I look about fifteen pounds less than I really am which isn't bad, I barely binge anymore and when I do it's not an extreme, endless amount of food, and I don't have a huge support system but big enough. I struggle with depression everyday but doing well for the most part. I'm not working right now but signed up for some public speaking classes in October. I would also like to finish up my veterinary assistant classes which begin in January.
I've always done well in school up until my struggles with depression began which have significantly improved. I have been in and out of college since I was 18. I've had two jobs in the past: direct care counselor in a group home and another part-time position in Macys. I'm half way done with my vet assistant classes and have been doing excellent academically. I hope to get my vet assistant certificate ASAP, I'd love to get a job, I'm seriously thinking of joining a gym and I'd love for this weight to finally go down to a healthy 160 lbs.
I will never understand how someone feels like they just know you by looking at you with knowing very little about you to begin with. I remember looking at my mom's friend as she had that surprised, disgusted look on her face when she saw me after all those years. I knew exactly what she was thinking and I didn't like it one bit. "All fat people are lazy, stay at home and eat all day was something I'm almost positive she thought of me. Especially after finding out I didn't work or go to school at the time. Oh, that was just icing on the cake.
I will always understand people to an extent that they can only imagine and I know it's probably because I've been through a lot. I know what it's like to be judged, hated, misunderstood and being alone. And most of all, I know that you definitely don't know ANYBODY unless you've walked a mile in their shoes.
Monday, September 08, 2014
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to work out but there are some days that make getting on that elliptical so much harder. Especially when you get into a fight with a significant other, family member, friend or just having a bad day overall. Sometimes, you just don't feel well, whether emotional and/or physical. Right now I'm in my tank and cropped sweats, literally inches from where my sneakers are and elliptical, yet can't bring myself to do this. I'm upset, angry and have a stomachache but I know I have to do this.
I have this feeling that right after I finish posting this blog, I'm going to go straight to the fridge and binge on whatever is in there. This thought is getting me all depressed added on to everything else I'm feeling. I hate when someone I love picks on me and says things that just aren't true. What I hate even more is how it totally seems like I'm punishing myself for that person's stupid point of view about me. I shouldn't care but I do and wish I didn't have to feel sometimes. Then maybe I wouldn't be 50 lbs overweight and struggling with my diet and weight.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Ugh...where do I begin? Everything seems to be going wrong for me nowadays. I feel lonely but the funny thing is, I know I'm not alone. I've been feeling sad, anxious, a feeling of dread and being down in the dumps. I lost a really good friend over something so ridiculous, I want to laugh out loud but I just can't. I guess it kind of hurts too much. Good friends are definitely hard to come by.
I've been bingeing a lot over my worries at night, over thinking things, not exercising as much as I should, being a crabby wife....just feeling horrible about myself in general. I have a feeling this has a lot to do with change. It's going to be harder for me to trust people now, like it hasn't been hard enough already. Losing a close friend is devastating; especially if there's no proper closure. I thought a lot about closure today and decided to explain my feelings the right way with no animosity involved. I mostly reacted in a negative manner towards this person due to all the negativity that was thrown at me to begin with. I shouldn't have reacted at all and just left it alone. That's what I'd normally do but anger got the best of me that day.
Well....I gained 4-5 lbs, another reason to feel awful about myself. It's the worst feeling ever to even gain a pound after losing a significant amount of weight. Plus, I'm pretty sure my cholesterol went up again due to the junk I've been consuming lately. That's not good at all, especially after how hard I worked to get it down to a decent number. I have a cousin who died of a heart attack in his mid-twenties, two fairly young cousins with pacemakers so heart disease is sort of a serious thing in my family.
It's going to be so hard to get back on track, eat right, doing something active everyday but most of all it's going to be extremely difficult dealing with this depression that's come to ruin me once again. Ugh.......blah.....
Sunday, October 14, 2012
I have been working out consistently; have lost a couple pounds, then gained it back. My problem is munching on goodies at night, when I'm stressed, anxious or just flat out bored. Some habits are super difficult to break for I have been dealing with eating issues since my early teens.
Before I joined Spark, I lost 25lbs which I'm very proud of, don't get me wrong. I just want to get rid of the remaining 50 ASAP and it's very frustrating for me after seeing the scale not move day in, day out. It's been set at this particular weight since June already! Well at least I didn't gain back any of the weight I lost.
I'm thinking I've reached that point where it's going to get harder, not easier. If only I could control how much I eat sometimes. I tend to ignore that "STOP EATING, I'm already full" feeling. Some days I do great although it's depressing to see that once the scale goes down a few lbs a couple days later I'm back to where it was. Hopefully I'll figure something to do about it soon.
Monday, October 01, 2012
Ugh, if only I could turn back time. My husband was off from work today and will also be off tomorrow so sometimes I allow myself to "cheat" on my diet those days. I never benefit from it in any way so while I'm thinking how great it feels at the moment; I immediately feel guilty afterwards. The whole day becomes a disaster because I allowed myself to cheat for "just this one day" once or twice a week.
I feel so disappointed in myself. I didn't even workout today. I'm glad I got a chance to spend time with my husband though. He works many hours during the week therefore I end up missing him immensely. But mostly, everything went wrong today....the puppy relieved herself in the house after being so good with that for months. I couldn't even sleep last night because the puppy wouldn't stop barking for most of the night. I was almost late to an appointment I had and of course I let it all out on my husband. The best part of today is that it's almost over. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
I know I'm only human and can't have perfect days everyday of the week but sometimes I forget that. I forget that noone's perfect and that everyone has their own struggles. Of course mine are always the worst that could possibly be imagined. LoL No, they aren't but it surely seems that way at times. I almost forget how fortunate I really am. I should take a minute to realize that instead of complaining about how imperfect my day actually was. I guess I can only put as much effort as I actually want to on a daily basis. It really is up to us what kind of day we're going to have. It's all about attitude and how you perceive things.
I don't give myself this pep talk before my day begins though. I kind of wait until I have the worst day ever in my eyes, of course-- then after that day is semi over-- I tell myself what I've pretty much known all along.
I remember when my brother used to live with us, he motivated himself everyday before it even started by having inspirational quotes that, he pretty much came up with himself, taped onto the mirrors in the bathroom. I think that's what got him through school. Having that pep talk with himself before the day even started. Not a bad idea.....
Well....it's 9pm so I'm going to sign off for a bit. Tomorrow's goal: Not to beat myself for what I did today but to start fresh tomorrow. To stick to my diet no matter what, and to exercise for 40 min (my usual time). I'm going to make tomorrow great and worth living for!
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