JESSKA82581   243
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JESSKA82581's Recent Blog Entries

Feeling blah

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Ugh...where do I begin? Everything seems to be going wrong for me nowadays. I feel lonely but the funny thing is, I know I'm not alone. I've been feeling sad, anxious, a feeling of dread and being down in the dumps. I lost a really good friend over something so ridiculous, I want to laugh out loud but I just can't. I guess it kind of hurts too much. Good friends are definitely hard to come by.

I've been bingeing a lot over my worries at night, over thinking things, not exercising as much as I should, being a crabby wife....just feeling horrible about myself in general. I have a feeling this has a lot to do with change. It's going to be harder for me to trust people now, like it hasn't been hard enough already. Losing a close friend is devastating; especially if there's no proper closure. I thought a lot about closure today and decided to explain my feelings the right way with no animosity involved. I mostly reacted in a negative manner towards this person due to all the negativity that was thrown at me to begin with. I shouldn't have reacted at all and just left it alone. That's what I'd normally do but anger got the best of me that day.

Well....I gained 4-5 lbs, another reason to feel awful about myself. It's the worst feeling ever to even gain a pound after losing a significant amount of weight. Plus, I'm pretty sure my cholesterol went up again due to the junk I've been consuming lately. That's not good at all, especially after how hard I worked to get it down to a decent number. I have a cousin who died of a heart attack in his mid-twenties, two fairly young cousins with pacemakers so heart disease is sort of a serious thing in my family.

It's going to be so hard to get back on track, eat right, doing something active everyday but most of all it's going to be extremely difficult dealing with this depression that's come to ruin me once again. Ugh.......blah..... emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLIMINDOWN31 12/12/2012 4:22PM

    Are you open to some feedback? I think I heard yes:)
Why not contact your friend and apologize for YOUR part in the conflict. Own what ever you can and tell her how sad it has made you. Why give up on the friendship?

Sorry about your weight gain, sleepless nights etc. It sucks! Use your tools and experience to get back on track. Commit to making today a new day of eating right and getting some type of exercise in. You've evaluated your slip so learn from it and move on! Looking forward to your next post when you tell us how you turned this around!

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JESSKA82581 12/12/2012 4:15PM

    I think I eventually will look beyond this. I'm just in those early stages where I'm in shock and absorbing what's going on around me. Im not one of those people that have stuff like this happen to them and not care, then go on as if it has never happened. Unfortunately, in cases like this, being sensitive is not a good thing! I will forgive myself, it'll just take time :). And you're right about letting it rule me; I have a tendency to let that happen with certain things. I'll be fine, it's just one of those days, I'm sure it won't last long (I hope). Thanks for commenting! :) emoticon

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BLEGNER1 12/12/2012 3:30PM

    Forgive yourself and if at all possible make amends, if not let it be a learning lesson and look beyond this. You are letting this rule you and that is never a good thing.

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Scale won't budge.....

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I have been working out consistently; have lost a couple pounds, then gained it back. My problem is munching on goodies at night, when I'm stressed, anxious or just flat out bored. Some habits are super difficult to break for I have been dealing with eating issues since my early teens.

Before I joined Spark, I lost 25lbs which I'm very proud of, don't get me wrong. I just want to get rid of the remaining 50 ASAP and it's very frustrating for me after seeing the scale not move day in, day out. It's been set at this particular weight since June already! Well at least I didn't gain back any of the weight I lost.

I'm thinking I've reached that point where it's going to get harder, not easier. If only I could control how much I eat sometimes. I tend to ignore that "STOP EATING, I'm already full" feeling. Some days I do great although it's depressing to see that once the scale goes down a few lbs a couple days later I'm back to where it was. Hopefully I'll figure something to do about it soon.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALIDOSHA 10/14/2012 5:43PM

    Hold on!

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Had a BAD Day

Monday, October 01, 2012

Ugh, if only I could turn back time. My husband was off from work today and will also be off tomorrow so sometimes I allow myself to "cheat" on my diet those days. I never benefit from it in any way so while I'm thinking how great it feels at the moment; I immediately feel guilty afterwards. The whole day becomes a disaster because I allowed myself to cheat for "just this one day" once or twice a week.

I feel so disappointed in myself. I didn't even workout today. I'm glad I got a chance to spend time with my husband though. He works many hours during the week therefore I end up missing him immensely. But mostly, everything went wrong today....the puppy relieved herself in the house after being so good with that for months. I couldn't even sleep last night because the puppy wouldn't stop barking for most of the night. I was almost late to an appointment I had and of course I let it all out on my husband. The best part of today is that it's almost over. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I know I'm only human and can't have perfect days everyday of the week but sometimes I forget that. I forget that noone's perfect and that everyone has their own struggles. Of course mine are always the worst that could possibly be imagined. LoL No, they aren't but it surely seems that way at times. I almost forget how fortunate I really am. I should take a minute to realize that instead of complaining about how imperfect my day actually was. I guess I can only put as much effort as I actually want to on a daily basis. It really is up to us what kind of day we're going to have. It's all about attitude and how you perceive things.

I don't give myself this pep talk before my day begins though. I kind of wait until I have the worst day ever in my eyes, of course-- then after that day is semi over-- I tell myself what I've pretty much known all along.

I remember when my brother used to live with us, he motivated himself everyday before it even started by having inspirational quotes that, he pretty much came up with himself, taped onto the mirrors in the bathroom. I think that's what got him through school. Having that pep talk with himself before the day even started. Not a bad idea.....'s 9pm so I'm going to sign off for a bit. Tomorrow's goal: Not to beat myself for what I did today but to start fresh tomorrow. To stick to my diet no matter what, and to exercise for 40 min (my usual time). I'm going to make tomorrow great and worth living for! emoticon


Starting again

Friday, September 28, 2012

Yesterday was the first time I worked out in a long while. I'm proud to say that even though it has been weeks since my last workout before then, I completed the usual 40 minutes. The last 10 minutes are the hardest but at the same time it's the best part of the whole workout. I really feel like I'm pushing it to the extreme when it gets to that point and am loving that feeling of accomplishment that settles in immediately afterwards.

I did overeat a little bit in the evening but I've been dealing with this problem for years. I'm an emotional eater. Every time I feel anxious, depressed, or any other negative emotion; I eat. Sometimes I eat when I'm bored although I feel that when it gets to that point it allows my mind to wander off a bit. I start thinking negatively about things and I suppose that's what brings on my negative emotions causing me to overeat. Eating to me is a relief, an escape from reality and how I cope with things.

Hopefully, today will be a better day. I'm going to go do my 40 minutes on the bike, take care of the dogs, do some housework, and I'd like to finish up reading this book I started reading on meditation. Maybe I'll go do the park with my spaniel, Phoenix, also. I know that I can't have a perfect day as much as I wish there was such a thing but I have to be more optimistic in life. So, wish me luck......

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNIBARG 9/28/2012 6:08PM

    Great job -- keep up the exercise -- it will become habit before you know it!

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JESSKA82581 9/28/2012 5:50PM

    Thanks so much everyone! emoticon

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KAKONOLADY 9/28/2012 3:53PM

    emoticon You can do it!! one foot in front of the other and 1 day at a time!!! If you fall just get right back up like you did today!!!! Hugs-Crystal emoticon

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BECKYSFRIEND 9/28/2012 3:50PM

    Congratulations-40 minutes is great. emoticon

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HHOLT6 9/28/2012 3:39PM

    Good luck. It sounds like a great day... time with your dog and with yourself! emoticon

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