Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wow...I had such a revealing dream right before I woke up this morning. It made me realize how much of the fat girl mentality I still have and how much I beat myself up. My self confidence is so pathetic, and I'm fairly certain that my image of myself does not match up with what other people see.
My husband is always telling me that I still have the fat girl mentality, and I argue that I do not (at least not nearly as much as I used to), but that dream may prove that he is right.
All of the weight loss shows I watch (BL. EM-Weight Loss) always talk about the incident or point in somebody's life that caused their weight gain to begin. I have always discounted them as excuses and said that no one is responsible for their weight gain but them, but I guess everyone does have a "trigger" and while we are each responsible for what we do to our own bodies there can certainly be that trigger that causes us to begin treating our body badly.
In my senior year of high school, I met the "boy of my dreams". When I met him, he had a girlfriend, and I sooooo wished I was his girlfriend. At the time I was slightly heavy (at least heavier than my friends and most of the girls in high school). I asked anyone I knew that was close to this boy what kind of girl he liked and what his girlfriend looked like. A common answer was "thin and fit". I busted my a** to thin down and get fit, and when I did I began "operation steal dream boy from his then girlfriend". I succeeded in my quest and I became the girlfriend! I was head over heels for this kid! He was only a year younger than me, but had been held back in school twice, so when I was a senior he was a sophomore. We were inseparable, in love and in lust, had a dream night at my senior prom and decided that we would get married when he graduated high school even though I would be attending college in another state (we were so young and pathetic!!). My wonderful parents drove him from Buffalo, NY to Edinboro, PA at least once a month to spend the weekend with me, and we constantly talked about our wedding plans. 8 months into my first year at college I found out he was cheating on me. That was devastating enough, but the real kick in the a** was that he had cheated on me with an extremely overweight girl. I had busted my a** to get thin so that he would look my way, and he cheated on me with an overweight girl. I'm pretty sure that I slowly started gaining the weight back after that. I don't blame dream boy, but I'm pretty sure that event was my trigger.
Lately, I have been real down on myself for my appearance...I'm not where I want to be weight or LBM % wise, and when I see recent pics of myself I personally do not see any difference between these pics and the pics of me at nearly 300 lbs.
Well, my dream early this morning was that I was hanging out with dream boy, and he turned to me and said "you know, you would be so much more attractive if you just lost that weight". I replied "you do realize I have lost almost 100 lbs don't you?". He paused and said "yes, but it's not enough is it?". That was when I woke up.
Wow, there is almost too many much symbolism and too many messages in that dream for me to think about! (1) Don't lose weight for anyone else (2) be with people who love you for you (3) when you start out extremely obese you never lose enough weight to be happy with your progress-you always want to be one size smaller or another LBM % higher. (4) When you start out extremely obese and lose weight, you never truly lose the fat person mentality.
I would love your thoughts, comments and interpretations of my dream!
This picture is me with my boys this past month (July, 2012). I see a flabby, unfit, obese woman who has no business wearing the clothes that she is.