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JESSIEHESSIE's Recent Blog Entries

Revealing Dream

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Wow...I had such a revealing dream right before I woke up this morning. It made me realize how much of the fat girl mentality I still have and how much I beat myself up. My self confidence is so pathetic, and I'm fairly certain that my image of myself does not match up with what other people see.

My husband is always telling me that I still have the fat girl mentality, and I argue that I do not (at least not nearly as much as I used to), but that dream may prove that he is right.

All of the weight loss shows I watch (BL. EM-Weight Loss) always talk about the incident or point in somebody's life that caused their weight gain to begin. I have always discounted them as excuses and said that no one is responsible for their weight gain but them, but I guess everyone does have a "trigger" and while we are each responsible for what we do to our own bodies there can certainly be that trigger that causes us to begin treating our body badly.

In my senior year of high school, I met the "boy of my dreams". When I met him, he had a girlfriend, and I sooooo wished I was his girlfriend. At the time I was slightly heavy (at least heavier than my friends and most of the girls in high school). I asked anyone I knew that was close to this boy what kind of girl he liked and what his girlfriend looked like. A common answer was "thin and fit". I busted my a** to thin down and get fit, and when I did I began "operation steal dream boy from his then girlfriend". I succeeded in my quest and I became the girlfriend! I was head over heels for this kid! He was only a year younger than me, but had been held back in school twice, so when I was a senior he was a sophomore. We were inseparable, in love and in lust, had a dream night at my senior prom and decided that we would get married when he graduated high school even though I would be attending college in another state (we were so young and pathetic!!). My wonderful parents drove him from Buffalo, NY to Edinboro, PA at least once a month to spend the weekend with me, and we constantly talked about our wedding plans. 8 months into my first year at college I found out he was cheating on me. That was devastating enough, but the real kick in the a** was that he had cheated on me with an extremely overweight girl. I had busted my a** to get thin so that he would look my way, and he cheated on me with an overweight girl. I'm pretty sure that I slowly started gaining the weight back after that. I don't blame dream boy, but I'm pretty sure that event was my trigger.

Lately, I have been real down on myself for my appearance...I'm not where I want to be weight or LBM % wise, and when I see recent pics of myself I personally do not see any difference between these pics and the pics of me at nearly 300 lbs.

Well, my dream early this morning was that I was hanging out with dream boy, and he turned to me and said "you know, you would be so much more attractive if you just lost that weight". I replied "you do realize I have lost almost 100 lbs don't you?". He paused and said "yes, but it's not enough is it?". That was when I woke up.

Wow, there is almost too many much symbolism and too many messages in that dream for me to think about! (1) Don't lose weight for anyone else (2) be with people who love you for you (3) when you start out extremely obese you never lose enough weight to be happy with your progress-you always want to be one size smaller or another LBM % higher. (4) When you start out extremely obese and lose weight, you never truly lose the fat person mentality.

I would love your thoughts, comments and interpretations of my dream!

This picture is me with my boys this past month (July, 2012). I see a flabby, unfit, obese woman who has no business wearing the clothes that she is.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOBINVA 8/28/2012 1:24PM

    What a roller coaster of story to be capped by that dream. The search for being attractive to another. The desire for apprecaition.
I looked in
A more literal interpretation of this dream is your fears of gaining weight. You have an skewed perception of your own image which may stem from low self-esteem. Alternatively, the dream may just be a reflection of your waking weight or dieting issues.
I used to hear that men like skinny women. While the image of a healthy woman may be more visually appealing. The presence of a happy, confident and self assured and friendly woman many times overcomes the initial image. In fact being around an physically attractive woman who is angry and critical makes her much less attractive.
How deep do you want the relationship. Skin deep or soul deep?

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short and sweet

Thursday, January 06, 2011

please copy and paste this link and take a look:

this is a picture that I have hung up where I work out...this picture is from April of 2006 and it is DISGUSTING BEYOND BELIEF....I never want to look like that again. I look positively grotesque. I wasn't pregos but it sure does look like it. This was about 275 lbd. When workouts are tough-when I am exhausted-when I feel like I can't give anything else-when I want to eat a bunch of crap-when I want to give up on any part of my new healthy lifestyle I will look at this picture. Evaluating whether a workout is harder than living life in that out of shape,unhappy body isn't difficult. People ask me if working out and eating right is hard...DAMN straight it is-IT IS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE-but the alternative SUCKS a heck of a lot more!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LAPLESKY 10/3/2011 12:41PM

    You have done fantastic! Good job!

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ADNAW_YOTS 1/7/2011 5:52AM

    wow TWO different people inside and out ! you should be very proud of yourself!

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Happy Sparkerdays!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

This is an e-mail that I sent out to my team members (The Mighty Hundred) that I want to share with all of my sparkfriends.....

No matter what your beliefs or what name you give to your holiday one fact about this time of year is universal; this time of year is a celebration of life, love, perseverance and triumph. Those concepts are something that Sparkers have made a part of their daily life, and what a beautiful world it would be if everyone were a Sparker!! A Sparker has learned not only to appreciate the life and love that they have but to enhance them. A Sparker has learned to persevere in the bleakest of times. A Sparker has learned to celebrate every triumph, no matter how small, and has learned to reach for even greater triumphs in their lives. In short, a Sparker has made everyday their Christmas or Yule or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. That feeling of warmth and delight that is felt when gathering with loved ones and friends is one that a Sparker feels within every day. However, a Sparker does not give out gifts just at the holiday. A Sparker gives inspiration, hope, and love out every moment of every day to everyone they come in contact with. Sparkpeople has truly changed my life and made every day a celebration of life, love, perseverance and triumph. Thank you to every Sparker who has been a part of that...and Happy Sparkerdays!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOROTHYBERO 12/26/2010 9:06AM

    Beautifully put Jessie - Happy Sparker Day to you as well!!

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LOLAJO54 12/24/2010 10:52PM

    excellant Happy Spark days to you too
sparker Jo

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MINDFULFILLNESS 12/24/2010 12:48PM

    Well said! Happy Sparkerdays to you, too, Jessie!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Feeding the soul

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I saw this on and I think it is a FANTASTIC IDEA for all of us sparkers!! I am going to take some time and think about this and then blog my thoughts. Why not do the same? I think it will help us in our 2011 journeys!!

from :

I am going to make two of the things that feed my soul and the other of what depletes me. I am hoping this will clarify what I need to do in 2011 to be more balanced. What fuels you? Does that list offset what drains you?


Are you feeding the right wolf?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

This is a classic native american parable (I am not sure who the author is) that is truly beautiful and oh so applicable to our Sparkjourneys! I think it speaks for itself without too much of my commentary, so just make sure to feed the right wolf every day. Here is the parable:

A Native American man was telling his grandson of the tale of the two wolves that live inside of you.

One of the wolves is about positivity and good thoughts. It spends the whole day thinking of good things and letting the bad things go. The other wolf is about negativity and bad thoughts. It spends the whole day dreaming of evil things and won't give the time of day to good thoughts.

Every day these two wolves fight all day long inside of you.

The grandson asks his grandfather...which wolf wins?

The grandfather replies... The one that you feed.


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